::walks in energetically wearing that same oversized t-shirt and warm up pants::

Hey guys!  What’s up?

::Happily sinks into her favorite chair and once again her coffee mug appears in her hands, but this time filled with ginseng tea::

Well, let’s get this started huh?  I started a new workout type routine thinger today.  I soooo want to get back to my pre-preg sizes and junk, so wish me luck.  Okay, we’ll start with viewage feed back, since I just watched Angel, then get to home front update, then the Rich and I update, and finally, a totally new category, the political rantage!  ::bounces excitedly::  I can’t wait to get to that part, but as I said, start with the viewage update…

Angel:

Right, so apparently I miss calculated weeks, and while I thought the new Angel wasn’t on until next week, it was on tonight.  A very good episode, thought slightly annoying with the Buffy crossover stuff (I was never too into Buffy, so I was slightly confused at first).  What happened?  Well, first off, Lila is now dead, thank heavens!!  Sorry, I really hated her, Wes is MY man, and she can’t have him.  Cordilia apparently is now the big nasty in charge, but the great stone dumbass is dead by Angelus’ hand.  Uhm, there’s this chick Faith, who I thought was the zappy girl, but apparently is some slayer that worked with Buffy and Cordi a while back.  She seems skippy enough, insane, fierce, brutal, fast, all the cool stuff, and yeah, she’s pretty.  Luckily my man has no interest in her, but apparently Connor does, poor kid, can never have what he wants when he wants it.  Yeah, see like he was all about Cordi, he jumped her bones, then he and Angel fought about it.  So yeah, he dumps the interest in Cordi, then this Faith chick comes to town, he get interested only to find out that Cordi is preg with his kid, and he’s stuck now.  Ah well, it seems as thought this Faith girl is going down soon anyway.  I dunno though, I think Cordi needs killed off, possessed by the powers that be, or just smacked upside the head and have the evil junk knocked out of her.  So yeah, that’s what’s up there.  I’m quite interested to see what happens next week, and yeah, you can be damn certain there will be a post about it.

Right, home front update…

Well let’s see here, mom’s no longer hating me cuz I moved the carpets around today like I was sposed to, and got most of the calls made today that I was supposed to make.  For once, everything’s going fine around here, that usually means a big fight’s on the horizon.

Rich and I update:

I went to see him today, not for very long, just an hour or so.  I put together a character sheet for Shade (long story, if you want to know, you’ll have to ask, I’m not putting the effort forth if no one cares), and he played Halo with Cyrick.  They were playing co-op mode (as you can tell from my last post from this afternoon), and I just had to know if they could shoot each other.  Cyrick’s done being mad at me, and all is well again there.  The plan is Rich is going to pick me up on Friday and take me home with him (yep, I’m a lost puppy), and I’m going to get some painting done for him before Saturday, which should be a fairly interesting social event.  Yeah, that’s about it there.

New stuff!!!  Political rantage:

Right, let’s talk about this war thinger.  Call me what you will, but I don’t believe in this war at all.  I think Bush is just trying to make a stand with other peoples’ lives so if we win, he looks good.  It’s not his life he’s risking, so what does it matter to him?  Now don’t get me wrong, I have all the respect, admiration, consideration and love for those soldiers who protect me, my daughter, my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends and everyone else in this country, and their families.  I will always support the soldiers, but I can however, never support this stubborn war.  I understand there is a need for war and junk, but I think this one is over foolish pride.  Okay, yes, I was around for 9/11, and I saw what happened, but yeah, we can’t go storming in on an enemy that we can’t locate.  Bah, I know I sound all preachy and hippy like, but damn it, this war is just going to claim innocent lives, and I can’t help but think that nothing good is going to come of it.  Why don’t we work on protecting our borders more?  Why don’t we clean up the messes in our own backyard before taking on another country??  I mean, if you live in Pa, look at the idgit they put in charge of HS.  The man is just plain crazy!  I know, so am I, but that’s why I don’t hold an important political office, I know I’m crazy!  Someone really should enlighten that guy.  Yeah, that’s really all I’ll say on that.  I have some info that I could post, but due to the fact that I rarely if ever watch the news, I don’t know what’s public and what’s not.  So yeah, but damn, even for the few times I’ve actually watched the news and heard this idiot speak, yeah, and he’s protecting me?  I don’t think so!  Man I need to move out of this state.  Okay, I guess that’s about it on that front, and I can’t really think of anything else, but if I do, I’ll definitely fire up another post.  Later guys.

::bounces up out of her chair, cup in hand and makes her way out of the forum::

::quietly walks into the forum, stretching and yawning, then curls up in her favorite chair with her coffee mug::

What’s up guys?  It’s been a long couple of days and it looks as though I haven’t written since like Sunday or something, so let’s catch up.  Sunday went semi-alright.  Like I dunno things still seem a bit off with Rich and I, but hey, whatever.  At this point I’m still somewhat waiting for him to break up with me, but not dependant on it, so whatever happens happens.  I can’t go on worrying about it forever, it’s not going to make anything better, and yeah, I’m not sure I really care which way it goes at this point (slightly angry, I know).  I didn’t come home until Monday afternoon, and Kailis came home from daycare and like was happy to see me and everything, so I was ecstatic.  Monday night went alright and faded easily enough into Tuesday.  I went for my job interview, found out there’s a couple other candidates, but once again, I can’t kill myself worrying about shit.  If I don’t get the job I simply try to get another one, ya know, the way it’s been going for the last 3 months since I’ve been out of work.  I’ve gotten so many rejection letters they don’t really phase me anymore.  After the interview, I went out to lunch with John and Rich, and lost track of time slightly.  I called home and left a message that I’d be home soon, but that didn’t even appease the great warden of the home.  She apparently didn’t check the answering machine and got pissed at me cuz I didn’t have my cell phone on.  “Why am I paying for a cell phone when I can’t ever reach you?” because you’re not paying for the cell phone.  You told me you’d pay the first month cuz I got cut from the temp job and had no money, but you didn’t pay it anyway.  Now I have back charges and what not, that I’m going to pay off as soon as I have money to do so.  I have never once asked you to pay the damn thing for me cuz I know it’s my problem, not yours, so eff you!  Yes, I forgot to turn the lights off when I left in the morning cuz I was half asleep, that’s my fault and I take responsibility for it.  No one can ever get the damn back door to lock on the way out, so it should be no shock that it wasn’t locked.  So yeah, everything you’re bitching and complaining about has been nullified except for the lights.  Oh wait, let me point out to you that you leave the goddamn lights on all the time, and that’s just fine.  Eff this double standard junk!  You wonder why I’m so hell bent on moving out, well look at things!  You take for granted what I do at the house, and nothing’s ever enough for you.  I can’t do everything around here, but you expect me too, so eff you!  Right, so now that that’s all over…  I slept real good yesterday, passed out on the couch at like 8, woke up in time for Cowboy Bebop, went right back to sleep after that.  I ended up going over to Rich’s for a bit today, which yeah, I really shouldn’t have.  He had Cyrick, and yeah Cyrick apparently doesn’t like me anymore.  If that continues to be his view of me, Rich is definitely going to break up with me.  He won’t date someone his son doesn’t like, and I understand that.  I just wanted to know if you could shoot your partner in co-op mode, was that so wrong?  We always need to know if we can shoot our teammates.  So yeah, life’s been real interesting.  I know, I gotta stop with these short updates, but lately it’s all I have the attention span for.  Later guys.

::stands up from her chair and walks off into the shadows::

::quietly walks into the forum and falls into her usual chair with a sigh::

Hey guys, what’s going on?  Right, so this weekend has been quite the interesting one.  First, there was the Friday night LARP, always… ::long pause:: interesting?  Yeah, it’s gotten mad boring, but hey, we all need something to occupy our minds, right?  I haven’t written in a few days, it’s been real around in my life.  Let’s see here, after looking at my journal, the last time I wrote was Thursday morning, in the early of the am.  What has happened since then?  Well, let’s see here, I was going to go take the SCSE, but that didn’t happen, so John and Rich came to pick me up.  We just kinda hung around at a few different places, and yeah, I got Care Bears ::lights up and gets all giggly happy::  I love Care Bears.  Rich got me two versions of my favorite, one being bigger than my 16 month old daughter, but it’s cute watching her try to carry it around.  So yeah, I had lots of fun with John and Rich, and of course when mom got home, like I got off-handed comments about the new additions to my massive stuffed toy collection, but yeah, I think she actually got a clue for once.  Like she noticed it was getting to me, and did the whole “well, in any case, it was sweet of him”.  She then made this suggestion that we do the whole meet and greet thing with Rich and Cyrick, and said about going out in a couple weeks.  I told Rich about this, and while he’s not ecstatic about it, he’s not like saying no.  I gotta admit guys, I’m reeeeeeeeeeally nervous about this one.  My parents have met boyfriends of mine before, and yeah, they were never really extremely nice to them, but I really love Rich, and I don’t want to see them drive him away.  Of course, yeah, if you would have seen my other boyfriends, you’d understand why they were none too nice to them, and maybe this will go different.  Once again friends, fiends, Fred, jacket guy, wish me mad amounts of luck and tranq’s, I’m gonna need them.  So that’s what’s up on the home front.

            Friday Rich came to pick me cuz I was crashing at his house this weekend, and yeah, yay, it was fun.  I found rides back and forth to the LARP and yeah, yay, it was fun.  One of our friends (John) went AWOL for a few hours, so Rich called off work.  Now yes, John did come home in time for Rich to indeed get to work, but yeah, he’d already called off and decided to just stay home.  So when I got to his house after LARP, he was there.  We had some fun and all that junk, though, I dunno, something’s been kinda off lately with us.  I think like I’m really getting freaked out and I don’t know what to do with it, but yeah I talked to the guy upstairs last night and I think everything’s gonna be cool if I can just convince myself that I shouldn’t be afraid.  Wish me luck on that junk too.  Oh, forgot the important thing, I have a job interview on Tuesday!  This seems like one of those things that unless I completely screw up, it’s damn near a sure thing, still means I can miss, but the chances are slim to nil.  So yeah, wish me luck there too.  Well guys, I’m still at Rich’s now, I just thought I’d do a quick post and fill everyone in on what’s been up, like not let you think I died or anything.  Later on guys.

::pulls herself out of the chair and quietly walks out of the forum::

::trudges into the forum wearing a t-shirt that’s 2 sizes too big and an oversized pair of warm-up pants as she yawns::

Hey guys.

::collapses into her usual chair::

I’m tired, but not tired enough to sleep, lonely as all he||, and yeah, just passing some thoughts and time.  It is 2:36am on a Thursday as of right now, and yeah, I’m all out of it and junk.  I’m hoping they’ll be nice at work and let Rich get home early so he calls me and I can talk to him for at least a few minutes before dad wakes up and I gotta act like I slept through the night.  They worry that I don’t sleep enough, but honestly at this point, there’s really not much point in sleeping.  I’m either going to take the CSE in less than six hours or, if the weather seems to bad and mom’s not going to let me drive the car, Rich is picking me up here at 10ish.  Okay, you’re all saying, okay, 10ish, I could sleep until like a quarter of and get dressed quick, uhm no.  I need to take a walk to the store before he picks me up and yeah, shower, dress, maybe do the whole make-up thing, he seems to like that, so yeah, there’s more planning than that.  Now, even if I’m not allowed to drive to the SCE, I may barrow the car to drive to the store instead of walking, cuz well, yeah, I’m lazy.  Well, okay I’m not really lazy as much as it’s freezing out there.  Damn, finding topics hard to find to discuss… 

            I watched Cowboy Bebop, of course.  Tonight was the first episode, which seems logical since last night was the last episode.  Poor Spike, that guy can’t seem to catch a break.  Uhm, yeah, it was cool and stuff.  Right now it’s just Spike and Jet, no one else in the crew.  No Faye, no Edward, no Ein, just Spike and Jet.  That makes it semi-boring, but apparently in the next episode they get Ein.  And what’s up with his ex-bosses trying to kill him anyway?  I mean if they let everyone of my old managers that had a grudge against me try to take me out, damn.  I think Tammy would have to get first crack, ever since I showed her up that one night at work, tension ran pretty high, but hey I wasn’t having some college girl who felt she was all better than me cuz she’s married with two kids and one of those fabled papers that says she paid to go to school longer than required, try to talk down to me on the one thing I know about, computers.  So yeah, of course (as I’m sure you can’t already tell), I didn’t have much respect for Tammy anyway.  Let me tell you a story about Tammy, now this of course is just workroom gossip, but knowing Tammy, I so believe this junk (the woman doesn’t even like Clockwork Orange.  Now I can excuse never seeing the movie, it’s not very widely known, but to see it and not like it?  What’s up with that?!).  Her now husband got down on his knee and did the whole sweet, perfect proposal to her and she said yes.  She then had the ring appraised and found out it was only like ¼ karat, then refused to marry him until he got her a full karat.  Now what kind of character does that show??  Dude, I’d just be happy to hear some guy (yeah, my guy would be nice) tell me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  Of course, I personally find typical engagement rings ugly and boring, but that’s not to say I wouldn’t tell someone no just because I think the ring is hideous.  In fact, Chris gave me a “real” (typical single diamond set in a gold band) engagement ring, and hey, I was just happy that he wanted to get married, but then yeah, that went downhill quick.  I usually pick a new “perfect engagement ring” out of every jewelry catalog that comes to the house.  Mom always laughs cuz mine are usually these cheap things that like any other woman in the world would be offended at getting, but I think they’re pretty.  They have color and stuff.  So anyway, needless to say, if I were in that man’s position, I would have told her to go to he||, but hey, to each his own.  Rich and I were kinda in a way, abstractly talking about marriage the other day.  I can’t really say much about the conversation cuz like I said in the previous post, I don’t know how much he’d be okay with me posting.  I think that’s safe enough.  So yeah, here we are.  I’m quickly running out of rambling material here.  Right, I think I’m just going to go plug a movie in (I’m thinking A Knight’s Tale) and hopefully pass out for a while until I have to be awake.  Later guys, lotsa love and all that.

::slowly makes her way out, her coffee cup (yeah, I guess that magically appeared) dangling by the handle from her left hand, and yawns again::

::steps quietly into the forum and takes a seat in her usual chair::

Hey kids, what’s up?  I find this a lot more comfortable than the soapbox, so here goes.  First, yeah, sorry about the lateness of yesterday’s post to any of you who like are dedicated readers or whatever, my machine was giving me mad loads of problems.  I did leave some things out of that post cuz I wasn’t thinking much, so yeah this is going to be today and yesterday, hope you don’t mind. 

            I spent a lot of time walking around downtown Harrisburg yesterday.  I had some things to take care of, the garage I wanted to park in was full, so I had to take in one a few blocks away, but all in all, it was an experience.  I apparently made a new friend when I gave a guy a cigarette, but yeah, I thought my friends from the scene were freaks?  Anyway, I made a stop in the center for the science and the arts.  The Whitaker (sp?) Center was calling to me for a long time, I’ve decided I want to pursue acting somewhat, and this seemed to be the way to go.  The guy from there gave me some decent leads, and there’s going to be auditions for “Much Ado About Nothing” with the Gamut theater group in April.  I’m thinking about taking a shot.  I was like in a play once back in jr high, but yeah I’ve never really taken much of a shot at acting, and I don’t know how this is going to go.  I guess you never do until you take that shot, huh?  Wish me luck guys.  Why acting, you ask?  Seeing as how I’ve never really mentioned it before, maybe you would.  Well, I’m going to explain it whether you’d ask or not, so just deal with it.  Right role-playing games have always caught my attention, and I enjoy doing the whole, pretend to be someone else.  Of course my character in my most recent LARP is basically me when I’m drunk and I guess pretending to be a vampire?  Really, she’s got the whole wits and intellect thing going for her (and yeah, I got that when I choose to show it, but I do the air headed girl thing for a reason that may be explained later in the post), she’s got an average physical stature (okay, so yeah, she’d kick my ass in a fight, there’s a discrepancy there), and a pretty much complete lack of social skills.  Of course her two social skills are intimidation (definitely not one of my strong points, but it seemed like something good to take) and persuasion.  Now I can be persuasive when I wish to be and with certain people (yeah, I pout and Rich about caves on anything, it’s kinda cute), but yeah, she’s a lot like me.  I programmed her mentally almost just like me.  She doesn’t fight over much but once you get her over that level, yeah, it’s never good and she’s schizophrenic.  Now for any of you who don’t know this, I went through times where I had “friends” as Cyrick calls them, and yeah, four medications later, all of my vision is gone.  I can’t even write my book much anymore cuz I lost that like artistic visionary trait.  Thought when I get extremely drunk or distraught over things, a “friend” comes back at times.  When I’m all like depressed or worried or somethin he’s usually this voice that argues with me in my head, but when I’m drunk, yeah I can see him.  It’s kinda freaky.  So anyway, yeah, she’s really me when I’m drunk, pretending to be a vampire (why I’m drunk and pretending to be a vampire, I have no idea), but I’ve also played some characters that were nothing like me.  So anyway, this whole being someone else is an interesting idea to me, so I decided I should try acting.  Looking for things to stir up that artistic vision again really, but hey, whatever works.  So yeah, I’ll let ya all know how auditions go if I end up going, dunno, I may lose my nerve by then.

            On to the next topic…  Rich and I have been talking a lot lately, really trying to fix that communications problem we have.  It’s good for it to happen, yet, yeah, of course talking brings up things that make life a bit more difficult.  I’m putting forth my best effort to make this relationship thing work, and I let go of all my safe guards.  In short, if this one falls apart friends, any faith I ever had in this “true love” thing, is beyond gone, but hey, let’s see how this goes, right?  I never did put much faith in love like this.  Like I love my daughter, I love my family, and I love my friends, everything else I always attributed to lust, but yeah, maybe this is different.  So anyway, that’s really about all I can say about our discussions, I don’t know if he’d be irked with me if I posted any of what we talk about, so just to be on the safe side, I’m going to keep it to myself. 

            Home life…  Mom actually got me to swallow all the pride I have over the last week.  I reapplied to ::shudders as the word catches in her throat:: Fox’s yesterday.  This was the place I worked at for three years and yeah, it meant absolutely nothing to them.  I was at the point where I wanted to cause myself bodily harm to avoid going into work at night, but hey, my options are running low.  I’ve tried most everything I can think of to find a job, and really everything’s coming up on nothing, so I have to do something.  I got decent skills, especially with the machine here, but yeah, everyone wants one of those pieces of paper that says I paid to learn my skills.  I’m not really sure college is the right way for me to go yet, I have no idea what I’d go for.  Like for the past two months it’s been something else every week.  I should go back and finish my CCNA, I should be a nurse (yeah one night at the ER with them putting needles in my baby about cured that thought), I should be a social worker, I should be a teacher, I should be a lawyer (yeah, waaaaaaaaaaay too much school for that one), I should be in child care, and so on and so forth.  I mean it guys, I just don’t know what the he|| I want to do with my life.  Anyone with any ideas, let me know, I need some direction here even if it is from a total stranger.  So yeah, mom’s been harassing me a lot lately about things.  I don’t think she means to, but yeah, most of the mental issues I have goin on right now originate with her.  “You don’t spend enough time with Kailis” “You’re too hard on Kailis” “You don’t do anything around this house (yeah, just look at the place after I’ve been gone a few days then tell me I don’t do anything)” “You need to figure out what you’re going to do with your life” “Oh look, your brother’s getting married  ::disappointed sneer to me::  that’s how it’s supposed to go, you get married first, then have kids” “You can move out, but you’re not taking Kailis, you can’t even take care of her right” “It’s no wonder she hates you” Yeah, it just keeps going like that.  I know she’s hard on me cuz she wants to see my make something of myself and pressure turns coal into diamonds and all that junk, but yeah, I can’t keep this up much longer.  She wonders why I constantly talk about moving out, well, yeah, Rich tells me when I’m being a dumbass but he’s still supportive of me and lets me know that he cares in other ways than demeaning me.  Right, so all that’s still the same, you guys haven’t missed anything there.

            Right so, I guess that’s really about it, all I did today was sleep, talk to Rich and clean.  Yep, spend an hour and a half cleaning the downstairs and yeah, I think it looks 10x better than it did, and I get a “wow, you can actually get off your lazy ass and move”, well once again, eff you too guys, eff you too.  Really, I clean a lot around Rich’s cuz like he doesn’t take me for granted and doesn’t make backhanded comments when I do things.  He also is really cool about when I say I’ll do the dishes one night while he’s at work and that sleep thing takes over instead.  Rich is great, I’m lucky to have him.  So yeah, that’s what’s up in my corner of the world, uhm, yay and stuff.  Lots of love and all that junk to you all, friends, fiends, Fred and creepy jacket guy.

::stretches and yawns on her way out of the forum, then turns back and runs in::

Wait!  Wait!  I forgot, Spike died last night!  What the frog was that about?!  I know it was like the last episode of the series, but man, he didn’t have to die!  Spike’s my man!  Well, okay, ranting is officially done now.  Later guys.  See you next time space cowboy…

::turns and walks off again as if the outburst never happened::