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| so my next album is around a story. no one reads xanga anymore so the story will be flowing and ebbing on this site as a realtime way for me to edit and tweak it. if you happen to randomly come here, that is why things will seem weird.
They met in September in the California heat. Her smile gave him joy. He hoped to reflect a fraction of that back to her. And something was born.
The weeks passed and their friendship grew. They frequented common places, they frolicked with mutual friends through Los Angeles. They listened to music together, watched movies together. They quoted The Office to each other. Their time together was quality to say the least.
He began to feel something stronger. Overwhelmingly strong. It scared him. His knees felt weak. But there’s the question of friendship: Was it worth compromising something so important to them both to just get his point across? He decided not.
November came. These feelings grew. He began to really wonder if this was something more than a crush, something real. Then one night, she confessed to him the need for advice from a good friend. She had met somebody.
She enjoyed this other person.
This other person made her feel complete.
This other person gave her happiness.
This other person attracted her.
And this other person felt the same.
And she asked him for his advice.
He prayed for her. And he told her to do what made her happiest. And if this other person made her happy, then she should be willing to spend time with this other person. And that’s what happened.
Over the next months, he realized what he felt was love.
Her happiness meant more to him than his own.
If she could be a little happier through him biting the bullet, it was worth it.
She spent a lot of time with this other person. She held this other person’s hand. She kissed this other person. And he smiled through it. And he tried to love her as best he could. But it ripped at his core. It hurt. And he began to run to distract himself.
He ran faster.
He ran harder.
To block out the pain.
He began to feel less. He disgusted himself. He wasn’t good enough for her.
He wanted to change himself.
He would do anything to change himself.
But she never seemed to notice.
March came. And she began to doubt this other person. And she came to him for advice. And he loved her by caring for her more than himself. He told her to do what made her happiest. And she did. She stopped seeing this other guy.
But she still didn’t notice.
And it hurt.
No matter how much he ran from his feelings,
They never subsided.
They wouldn’t go away.
His love for her was killing him.
August. Things got worse for him. No matter what he did, he couldn’t ignore his love for her. Love that she didn’t feel for him. Everything fell apart inside of him. He felt unworthy of her. He felt burdensome to her. He wished he could just accept what she wanted to give. But it wasn’t enough. And he began to cut himself.
Slash. After Slash.
Punishment.
For never being good enough.
And punishment.
For never accepting what she had to give.
And being content.
Punishment.
During this time, he became afraid of everyone. Afraid to leave his room. Afraid to not be alone. All he wanted was to be with people… but his biggest fear was being around people. And he called her one night, the night he decided to end it all. And he told her everything about his lows. And he cried. And he yelled. And she responded. She proclaimed:
I love you.
I love you.
You’re good enough.
I want to walk with you right now.
But her love was different than his love. And hearing those words hurt even more. But he couldn’t tell her. Everything in him wanted to tell her how he felt. But he knew it wouldn’t be right. So he bottled it up. And he loved her as best he could.
Her eyes gave him hope.
Her heart gave him strength.
To live another day.
The story ends there. But it continues to be written. With the hope that one day, he will say to her:
I love you
More than any other guy has ever loved any other girl
I love you
More than I will ever understand
I love you
And
I love you
And
I love you
I love your blue eyes
And I love how you laugh at random things
And I love how you care about people no one notices
And I love how you only open up to me about some things
And I love when you’re near.
And I love your smile.
I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.
More than I ever could love anyone.
Hopefully, someday, she will respond.
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| i don't want to be one for self pity but every once in awhile venting is important.
i'm just sick of feeling like i never get a break. lately, very little seems to be going my way. it feels like i take one step forward and two backward. i'm sick of this.
i'm sick of who i am. i'm sick of never being good enough. i'm never good enough. i'm not good looking enough. i'm not musical enough. i'm not smart enough. i'm not spiritual enough. i talk funny and mumble too much. i'm too quiet and not fun enough. i think deeply too much.
i need to be the best. and if i can't be the best, i don't know how to react. i don't know what to do.
dropping my m.div. degree to a mWTA = second best.
running only 7.5 miles today = second best. (i normally run 15 or 16 on my tough days. this isn't acceptable)
looks-wise, i'm second best, if i'm lucky. i hate being ugly. i hate looking so stupid.
i start to think i'm ok at music and then i go to church today and all of the musicians are incredible, with great voices and great guitar skills. second best.
i know God loves me how i am. i know that. i believe it. but i don't really care sometimes. i want my day. i want to feel proud of something. i want to be able to leave my apartment someday and not feel embarrassed and ashamed and disgusted at who i am and what i look like and how i act. i hate myself so much sometimes. right now. and i hate hating myself because i know God has gifted me and things could be worse. this makes me hate myself more because i hate my reaction to that truth.
i'll never be good enough for anybody. i feel so lonely. i have more acquaintances than most people but i long so much to connect with someone on a deep level. i long to feel understood by someone. i feel weird and it seems the things i say to people are silly or disagreed with or just not understood. or maybe they're wrong. maybe i'm wrong. maybe i really just can't do anything right.
at church today, we were instructed to get together in small groups and talk about what part of ourselves we want to expunge in 2009. i want to expunge so much. i want to lose about 80 lbs. i want to leave behind the simple nice guy persona and become someone that matters, that isn't the third wheel in every group, every friendship, every organization. i want to matter to someone. i want to reflect a God that is beautiful, not a God that is disgusting and invisible. i want to be visible. i want to be the first person people call, at least once, to hang out. i want someone to tell me once, just once, that i'm doing well at this messed up game of life. i want to feel loved somehow. not just given money and provision like with my family or just given patronizing compliments. i want to be loved. authentically treasured and seen as somebody that another person really wants in their life. that's what i want in 2009. i want to matter to this world around me.
i'm just so sick of this feeling. i feel like my life lately is one big elliott smith song. i'm sick of feeling wrong. i'm sick of feeling like a gigantic failure at everything i set out to do. i want to feel right, i want to win, just for once, and i want to be good at something. God help me. I need You. | | |
| i broke my fast last night. got super sick, super dizzy, and passed out for an hour with no recollection of how i passed out. that's frickin scary.
God is good though and taught me some things through that and still keeps teaching me things. | | |
| i'm on day 6 now. things are getting a bit easier. day 4 was really bad. i was soooo hungry at night and couldn't sleep, which is highly unusual for me.
yesterday hunger pangs came and went. it was hard being around food... around campus, in my friend's apartment with brownies and cookies, and preparing cereal/milk for a friend. it's getting easier though.
today hasn't been so bad. i actually went to a smoothie place after dropping courtney raymond off at the airport. i ordered the fruit smoothie, asking for it to be vegan (water instead of milk). i thought that would make it just a fruit smoothie...but the dude put ice cream in it. what the crap?! what kind of smoothie is that? nonetheless, i thought it would have been stupid to just throw it out, so i consumed it. i guess i learned a lesson there. since then, i haven't been terribly hungry, at least relatively.
my health has improved slightly too. no more hives. and my weight has stopped dropping so quickly, which i predicted (water weight loss). so that rocks.
i've felt myself becoming more sensitive through this process. actually a bit snippy too. i really hope i can stay cool and chill.
i feel God saying something to me. a lot of things. not sure what though. i wish i could discern that stuff. i'm sure it'll come over time.
i'm gonna go do some homework now. i'll write again in a couple days. | | |
| so i had to restart the fast due some stuff out of my control.
fast date start: jan 2nd
fast date end: feb 10
the first few days were tough. i was hungry. at first i craved pizza, thai food, and pastries. real bad stuff for the body. however, finishing day 4 here, a few notable changes have occured.
1. today i wasnt always really starving. my stomach is starting to feel different. not sure how to describe. just not starving.
2. i'm craving healthier stuff. salad. lots of salad. black beans with hot sauce. protein. veggie patty at subway. lots of protein craving.
3. i've lost a lot of weight. tons of water weight. the second night of the fast, i peed a ton. i lost something like 8-10 lbs of water from the a.m. to the p.m that day. im drinking juice, water, and smoothies, so im not being too unhealthy. its weird. ive heard that happens though. all in all, i think i've dropped around 12 pounds of water weight so far.
4. at the end of day 1 thru day 3, i broke out into really bad hives on my face, ears, fingers, arms, and legs, most notably. they've since kinda gone away...they've dried up and don't itch much anymore, except occasionally on my fingertips. not sure what this is from.
5. my eyes have been tearing up a lot today. its weird.
6. i've been able to keep my workout schedule, albeit shorter work outs thus far. day 1 and 3 found me running 45 minutes. day 2 and 4 had me running 50 minutes. i don't want to increase that too much... i just want to maintain my conditioning. i've been continuing use of nitric oxide for an energy boost... my energy level is notably less on this fast and it helps to have a boost from NO. i'm also continuing my L-glutamine (muscle recovery) supplements before/after working out and my multivitamin twice a day.
but yeah. my cravings tonight, just in the last hour, have been really really REALLY bad. i REALLY want to break this fast. i must fight on. but this is really hard.
God is bringing some things to light. i've been trying to pray throughout the day. tonight, prayer came more easily. i prayed for God to be revealed to me, for me to grow into a stronger person and to have the contentment and trust in His will, even if the solution isn't what i want to hear necessarily. i feel more prayerful as each day goes by.
i'm 10% there. 4 done, 36 more to go. Lord give me the strength. give me the will. and give me the faith in You to believe you are stronger than any of my earthly urges. i believe in You. | | |
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