The psuedo-irony here is disgusting. Its been about a year since i last got on here and i realize why. I looked back on my older entries the other day and i feel disgusting. A part of me suggests that i wrote better back then. My word choice was more powerful, my thoughts were more indepth, i wrote with so much fake passion. Maybe i was better of intelegence-wise when i was ruining my body and slaving over my Poe Books.

But i'm torn when i think this way. I seemed deeper but when i actually look at what i meant, what i was writing was moronic. I claimed love for everything that showed an ounce of affection. Lust, possibly. For the three boyfriends i said i had loved i dont know which of them were lust. [this was origionally a rant on my stupidity and childness but emotionally, i'm clearing things up.]

Jordan had been my best friend for years. He had the power to make me feel better when someone died just by saying he was there for me. I always grew insanely jealous of the girls he went out with because he showed them the same affection he had always shown me. He was my date when i didnt want to go to snowball alone. He did that just for me and he did it right, a corsage and everything. I felt that i needed him to go on everyday. He made me feel better when he was there but i didnt feel right when he wasnt. I was sad. Jordan made life simple; like puppy love.

Brandon, despite how much i now believe he was a very immense judgement lapse [i honestly should have been with his brother, whom i'm now very close with], i think of him when i answer the question, "have you ever been in love?" It was four months when i felt it would be okay to tell him i loved him. I thought i did. I loved how he made me feel special, lucky, unique for his liking. It felt like it was right, like forever with him might have been a logical possibility. I felt like i was something more with him, something that mattered in life. I never felt that way before. He said i was beautiful before anyone else did. Brandon wanted me for me and we forgave every flaw; like unconditional love.

Jake was complecated. I remember meeting him, our first conversations, and all the things that i had felt for him. He said he wanted me from the start and even when it didnt work i'd wait for him because it meant so much that he liked me knowing nothing about me. And everytime he came back, we'd grow stronger. I waited two years for that first kiss [and not to sound rediculously corny and cliche] i couldnt breathe when he kissed me. And in spite of better things i still think of that kiss as the best kiss i'll ever have because i wanted it, i ached for it since the day that i had met him. I felt like he was what i had always been waiting for. He was something that i always wanted. Jake made my life complete; like love at first sight.

So as you can see, each of them was a different feeling and i'm not sure which was love, if any. My most recent, Nick, was a mistake and we understand that. But Ty, i think i might have loved him. I think i might still. But i'll never actually say that i do because i'm scared he'll just get lost with all the other boys that i thought i loved. He makes the most sense though. I was completely happy with him; like True love.

Boy of my dreams?

I'm crazy about my newest boy friend, Tyson. He's just so... amazing. I've never had a guy treat me this well before (let alone someone who cares so much about me). Missed out on the whole ordeal of me and Ty?

Well, it all started at Chelsea's party. Or rather before Chelsea's party when Elly came to pick me up and hang out before her party. She brought Ty with her because he crashed his bike a bit before and his truck isnt running. We ended up wandering around in Walmart for a while picking out music, games, and food. I must say I did not stop laughing while we were there. At this point, my mind was saying, "Hah. This guy's really funny. He's not so bad. Hah, plus he's really cute."

(Not so bad? Last year he was in a relationship with a close [was close] friend of mine. I never knew the actual details but I knew that some how She had gotten hurt by him. Little known to me it was actually her that hurt him pretty bad...)

So Chelsea's party was that night, majorally dancing and laughing and such. I, at the time, was attempting to get over Brandon so I was ready to party. Again, this guy was cute (tall, blonde, skinny, blue eyes, tattoos...) and funny so I really wanted to Dance with him. He seemed nice and fun so why not? Well, We only danced to 2 songs but I'll admit, that was pretty much clairity that I liked him.

So he left the next day or the day after back to Seward. We talked for a bit (by a bit I mean we spent hours online and eventually hours on the phone together) and I really began to like him. Really really. And as far as i could tell (from the obvious attempts at telling me) he liked me too. But I was in denial as I tend to be and kept insisting that he didnt. That is until he just came right out and told me he liked me. I giggled and felt amazing.

We spent the night together at Elly's party in Pasagshak. There were fireworks, showers, and a whole lot of dog piles. We slept on the couch arm in arm. Its no secret I hate my appearance but I loved the fact that I could believe him when he said I was beautiful after waking up and looking like shit. Even still, that kind of sealed the deal.

So then things progressed. He officially proved himself to be the most amazing guy I've ever met. I had a bad day so he left a rose outside for me. He special ordered a stuffed animal for me for my birthday. He tells me i'm beautiful. He makes me feel better. He's just amazing...

I've kissed someone... 45 Ways...
01. [Tyson, Ross, Casey, Jordan, Caleb H, Caleb P, Spud, Luke, Tyler, Brandon, Brendan, Patrick, Justin, Steven, Ryan F, Ryan K, Johnny, Chris D, Jake K, Jake N, Travis B, And a bunch of other people...] on the cheek.
02. [Thomas, Jordan, Thor, Caleb H, Brandon, Jake K, Spud, Ross, Tyson] on the lips.
03. [Brandon, Jake K, James, Spud, Tyson] on their hands or fingers.
04. [James] in my room.
05. [Brandon, Jake K, Caleb H, Thomas] in their room.
06. [Thomas, Jordan, Thor, Caleb H, Brandon, Jake K, Spud, James, Ross, Tyson] of the opposite sex.
07. [Green, Jaclyn] of the same sex. (Long story)
08. [Green, Jake K] a little younger than me.
09. [Thomas, Jordan, Thor, Caleb H, Brandon, Spud, James, Ross, Tyson] a little older than me.
10. [Thomas] with black hair/brown eyes
11. [Caleb H, Brandon, Spud, Tyson] blonde hair and blue eyes.
13. [ ] with red hair
14. [Thor, Jordan, Brandon, Spud, James] with straight hair.
15. [Green] shorter than me.
16. [ ] with a lip ring.
17. [Brandon, Jake K?] who i truly love/loved.
18. [Probably Jordan, Ross] who was drunk.
19. [Probably Jordan] who was high.
20. [Green, Brandon, Jordan, James] in the morning.
21. [Immediatly? James. No; soon after? Brandon, Jordan]right after waking up.
22. [Jordan, Caleb H, Brandon, Spud, James, Ross, Tyson] just before bed.
23. [Caleb H, Brandon, Spud, James, Ross, Tyson] late at night.
24. [Ross] who i had just met
25. [Thomas, Ross] who i really didn't want to kiss.
26. [Spud, Ross?] just talking not dating.
27. [Brandon, Thomas, James] on a bed.
28. [Brandon] On a teachers desk
29. [Brandon, Jake K] at school.
30. [Brandon, Tyson] against a wall.
31. [Brandon] at a show.
32. [Jordan] at the beach.
33. [Brandon] at a concert.
34. [haha, just about... Green] in a pool. (Frickin Bathtub was HUGE!)
35. [Thomas, Jordan, Caleb H, Brandon, Jake K, Spud, Green, James, Tyson] who was/is a good friend.
36. [Jordan, Brandon, Jake K] in the rain.
37. [ ] with an std
38. [Green] in the shower/Bath.
39. [Jake K, Brandon, Spud, Tyson] in a car/taxi/bus.
40. [Brandon, Jake K, Spud] in the movies.
41. [Green] in a bathroom/laundry room
42. [Jordan, Caleb H, Brandon, Jake K, Spud, James, Tyson] in the dark.
43. [Half Naked? lol, Green] naked
44. [Green] under water
45. [Spud, Tyson (They were driving, not me)] while driving
46. [Spud? He's not really a stranger though, but i dont know him like alot of my other friends.., Ross] a stranger.
47. [ ] more than one person at once.
48. [Jake K, Brandon, Jordan] crying
49. [Jake K, Brandon] goodbye forever
50. [Jordan, Brandon, Ross] when i was drunk.
51. [ ]who didn't speak english
52. [Green... it was a tub and it was hot as hell...]in a hot tub

Another Boy...

Well, today is not the best of days. Its February second. Few of you know what that means, but today would have been Brandon and I’s 1 year. Six months have gone by, I regret everything. Why I did what I did, I’m not so sure anymore. I just know that I miss him terribly. I keep listening to the song I decided was so very… us… while we were dating. Head over Feet by Alanis Morissette…

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

I miss him… I need him…  I love him…