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So, I just got home from Prom, which I actually went to,
despite being sure I wouldn't go until about a week and 3 days before, but
considering such, and the fact that I didn't know my date too well before we
went, it went by pretty well. It all started with a dinner at the not so
fancy Olive Garden, then to Valle parking my car, and going into the
prom. We spent the first hour or so getting pictures taken and meeting
all the people we (well mostly she) knew. Then after that, we found
ourselves at a not so fancy dance floor (a second one) with a live 20's style
band, and we danced. So... I'd never danced before, or actually, I'd
never swing danced before, and after a very brief instruction from my date, I
danced, and apparently I did pretty well. That lasted for a while, until
the band left. At this time, I was forced to go the main dance floor
where all the rap music prompted many to dirty dance, of which I did not submit
as I didn't do any of the risqué dancing that has become popular. After a
while of that, and spending all my time with my date greeting many random
people and just doing things, the night came to an end, we went to an after
party thing (alcoholess) and played a few games and talked. I then
dropped her off and just... that was it... the night was over... and I went
home and here I am now. So basically, the whole overview of the night, I
did well, spilled nothing on myself, opened EVERY door for her, found out I
could dance, and just had fun. Too bad it doesn't happen more often, it'd
be a fun thing to do a number of times. But now, it’s over, and I don't
know what I got out of it. I spent a lot of money and all for spending 7
hours with a girl I hardly knew, but really, it was worth it, and if I had the
chance, I'd do it again. So... Now... Where from here... who knows...
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| This is my typical late night/early morning train of thought summed up into what I feel to be important:
Emotion is caused by differences between your mind's image of the world
oppose to what tends to happen. If we knew everything, and I mean
to the point in which it was subconcious knew everything, life would be
a indifferent emotionless existance.
Being smart is associated by the ability and willingness to
listen. Every intellectual activity includes something that
involes you somehow engaging your senses on a creation of someone else;
and by listening, you are in what the person who made it feels is the
closest they could have brought you to being within thier mind.
Everything is to some extent, you don't want to be ignorance creates a
dampener for emotions, and full knowledge does as well, everyone wants,
and therefore needs, to be somewhere on this spectrum to the point they
like, but the problem is, you don't know what you liked unless you try
something else, in which case you now know something else and can no
longer return to the original state. Congradulations, you are in
the risk taking venture in which we call life, along with happiness, comes
dissapointment and despair, have fun with it, make it what you really
want.
To all of you who cared to listen, you are now that much more
intelligent for doing so, and I also thank you. I would love for
you to somehow notify me that you did so, so I may return the favor,
because of course, "The only thing worse that accepting a favor (owing
someone) is accepting a favor involving money." Paraphrased
version of some guy that I once saw in the movie "Garden State".
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| I have made a realization, I will die and be forgotten shortly after,
but I accept this. In fact, in this world where those who
manipulate at the expense of others are shrined and honored and the
real heros are forever forgotten, I would much rather be
forgotten. As of today, the number of friends I have has
diminished to an all time low of zero. That's right, I possess no
friends, meaning those of you who just happened to stumble accidently
upon this should probably go on with your day. Though, because of
this post, I realize that there will be some people trying to deny
this, but they must then ask themselves, how many times have they had a
true conversation with me, one where they actually cared enough to get
to know me. After finding that the answer to this question is
never, then you find yourself at the truth, you find how much of a
friend you actually are.
So I figure, if I die today, I will be mourned by only my family, who
are really forced to do so by society and its norms. Knowing
this, and having known it for a long time, I figure that I will just
stop caring. Why should I distress myself when I somehow find
myself with the inability to find security within a group? Why
should I care about a world where I can sit and listen for hours and
then never be listened to? Why am I making this post right
now? Probably because I have no one that will listen, with all
those people I have listened to, and all those people that then ignore
everything I have to say, I have no reason to care.
I find myself hopeless, and hopelessly alone. No one to talk to,
no one to listen. I stand in groups of people only to find myself
doing simply that, standing amist a group of people, little else.
I am at the realization that no one will listen but myself, so I drudge
on typing this stream of conciousness rant of self pity and expect it
to do nothing, and know that I will always be alone. And to all
of those who spent their oh so precious time where they could have been
doing other things such as conforming to the selfishness inflicted upon
us by society, I am one who has listened many times to many people, and
have found only one thing as a result. People expect to be able
to talk to someone and have them listen, but truely care little enough
to ever care to return such a favor. So to all of those who have
blown me off, I thank you, you have showed me how selfish and
selfconcerned people are. And remember, to anyone who needs
someone to listen, I am always here, and I'd love to listen, no
strings attached.
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| As my life stays at a constant level of mediocrity, I seem to be seeing
those I used to be close to either fade away or fall into a mode of
self destruction. As I sit and watch my friends either just walk
away and move on or fall and refuse my aid, I find myself at a
loss. It seems to me that because everyone else is either
forgetting or becoming too bogged down to remember, I am forced to
watch, and slowly spiral down with it, as I too become forgotten and I
too loose what I once had and cherished. I am in a state of total
shock, as everything around me seems to crumble, and I know, I will
eventually go down with it.
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| In the company of many, yet never more alone. Lately, I find that
the only one listening is me, and the only one who cares is me.
It may be considered sad, maybe even as far as to say depressing, yet
true. I am alone.
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Console
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<$Username$>'s xanga console
http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1">
$: posts
<$Posts$>
$: calendar
<$Calendar$>
$: sir
<$Sites_I_Read$>
$: blogrings
<$Blogrings$>
$: help
Available commands:
posts
calendar
next
prev
home
profile
guestbook
sir
subscribe
blogrings
random
google
safemode
claf
mysite
motd
pwd
login
logout
whoami
help
$: motd
Message of the day:
This is the message of the day! Maybe I should change it!
$: whoami
xxreaderxx
Unrecognized command!
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