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Name: Matthew
Birthday: 7/25/1982
Gender: Male


Interests: UCLA soccer team and English Premiere League, MLS too Traveling Nature Cultural performances ACA Go and Chess Exercise Math (abstract algebra, fractals, dynamic systems, chaos, recursion) A.I. Poetry Folk literature (Journey to the West - DBZ was based off of it) Fictional literature Philosophy Programming (C++ and Lisp) Movies (comedies, drama, action) Puzzles Music (hip hop, R&B, foreign) Anime (Dragon Ball Z, Naruto, Hikaru no Go) Drawing Concerts (LA philharmonic) Van Gogh and Monet paintings Cooking Baking (not Dancing! I suck) Comics (Calvin & Hobbes) and above everything the goal of maturing as a Christian is all consuming.
Expertise: Sleeping. Driving long periods of time without getting bored. Doing easy math problems.


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Thursday, April 26, 2007

http://www.stanford.edu/group/King/publications/sermons/680331.000_Remaining_Awake.html

Spoken by Martin Luther King Jr.

Gosh, it has a lot of relevance for today.

 


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I saw a tv interview of Richard Perle making the case for war and I feel compelled to respond in some way, but don't know how my response will look going into this...

First of all, from my point of view, he states his mind very clearly, and presents his arguments with no b.s., he gets to the point, so to evaluate his case is a matter of considering the truth behind what he says.  He actually goes up and talks to his critics, which I applaud him for, but some of them couldn't possibly argue at his calibre.  Those that could exposed some weaknesses in his position.

I felt the one thing that rang funny with his argument is that he kept falling back on a dichotomy, perhaps unintentionally.  When he talked with Pat Buchanan I felt some weaknesses were exposed.  Then a person from France added some further doubt to his points, but their discussion ended on an unresolved point.  What I got from it, summarized, would be something along the lines of:

Richard says: 'we need an activist interventionalist stance towards problems in the world, because otherwise, we will just be a fat blob, living contentedly in our own bubble in a very self-serving way.  We must be willing to act unilaterally if need be.  Since we have the power we should use it to try and achieve good ends.  Action with force has worked in the past.  Put the blame on our enemies if we fail.  If they weren't there, we wouldn't be failing, would we?  Our motives are morally sound and our reasons for starting the war do not merit serious doubt.  We can't give up, therefore, even if it is hard.'

Opposite counsel says: 'the world can't have one country push its weight around to say what is right and what is not, because, 1]then the world is depending on a country outside themselves to be their ruler and understand their needs.  But this ruling country may have a government without good discernment or the ruling country may be unable to balance doing what is morally right against supplying for its own needs.  2]Also, the war in Iraq is not a good one, in the sense that its grounds are unstable, the support base it would need from the public to continue is only eroding, success is elusive and receding the more we stay in it.  This was seen in Vietnam.  3]Moreover, perhaps something like 90% of the people who die in this war are innocent civilians.'

The false dichotomy is that we must either keep going in the war, or fail.  It is an argument that goes in hand with the use of fear-mongering tactics to gain the imperative for some of the administration's actions and policies.  It assumes from the beginning that the war is a necessary element to our effort of bringing Democracy to Iraq.

The unresolved point is how we should use the power we have.

Why do I think the dichotomy is false?  While it's true that if we were to pull out, we would fail, and it would hurt, it's also true that by staying, we may in fact be making things even worse, and pushing the situation farther from healing.  This I believe is what we're doing.

What really matters is not staying in the war, it's healing that region.  Now that we're in this, we shouldn't fail, and we should act, and we should use our power, but the way we use our power is pre-eminent in whether we achieve success or failure in this venture.  Since our fighting only seems to encourage more killing of innocents, obviously we need a new tack.  The enemies are strengthened because we are weak morally and they view things in a spiritual sense.  If we become strong morally, their tactics of suicide bombing and sectarian violence will be put more and more out of place.  I would like to see us once again support the UN, voice an apology to the world for what we have done thru our arrogance, and seek their help.  We could move to focus entirely on projects of healing rather than violence, let the violence become completely one-sided on the side of the terrorists.  Above all, we must start to value the lives of Iraqi's more than our own, in every possible instance.  We have to demonstrate this in our actions, whatever those may be.  One key way this can be done is to stop fighting until we have improved our standing on the battlefront of ideology.  Then we can start to be of help.  Right now, ideology is what is fueling our opposition and we are sorely losing on this front, thus losing the war also.

Basically, we need to heal our image before we can help.  We have to sterilize ourselves before we can operate.  We'll accept the costs of mobilizing global help to relieve the situation in Iraq as our repentance.  We'll be using our power by refraining from using military strength, using the resources at our disposal instead to negotiate help from the world, and aligning the ideological struggle behind the actual aim, which is to get rid of oppression there. 

Therefore, we should do actions that generate stability and uphold morals (and our rhetoric), perhaps these will cost us the most, but it is better for that than for the cost to fall on innocent lives.  The fastest way to resolve the war is to right now take a humble posture, ask forgiveness, admit our mistakes, and then choose a better course where the lives of Iraqis are held to be more valuable than our own, but where we of course don't devalue our own lives either just to make this happen.  The justification for stopping the war is that even if the cost will be  -1000, the cost of going as we have been will be worse.  This has been all but proven.

The American people, if they are actually forgiven by the world, need to learn how to use our wealth of resources properly; that means less preoccupation on trivial things, less self-centeredness.  Our politicians need to learn how to advocate a posture of self-denial, self-restraint, by connecting it to 'good' in the long run.  We should use our power in a moral sense, and our power should be derived in part from our moral standing.  The world right now is acting as our counsel, telling us our morals are bad.  We don't see this very well.  But, as a people, media, lobby groups, politicians, etc. we need to.  There may come a time when we know our morals are good and the world is telling us they're bad, and the world is in fact wrong.  This is not that time, but in the end, it doesn't matter who is on what side, we will be upheld by God if we are just, and right now, even if our intent is just, our hearts and our method of conducting this war on terror are not, as long as we continue on this course.

1] Maybe he's saying, the world must elect them to power, and they can never use this power unilaterally.  I think he's all but right, and it would be almost safe to adopt this attitude.  There are times when we need to take courage and act even if no one else supports us.  But this is only when we can remain ahead in moral standing throughout our endeavor.  Right now, Americans are pretty self-centered, this needs to change in a big way, we need some help from a person like Martin Luther King Jr. to act.

2]We fuel our enemy's side if we act incorrectly.  Incorrect action strengthens their foundations.  If we are morally unsound in our actions, we strengthen their side, we do not weaken it.  Even if we use force, without discernment and a clear moral guideline and plan, and moral support, the force damages our own cause.  It would be like a blood transfusion given to another patient who is of a different blood type.  Sure we are trying to help Iraq, but we need a correct diagnosis, we can't keep giving the patient more and more blood of our own that it will just keep rejecting.  We need to give it a transfusion that matches its own type.  Ignoring this reality is pretty much what's happening.  When people say, 'we need to keep trying, if we give up, the patient will die' they should question whether their own efforts are what is worsening the patient's ill health.  Moreover, this resolves the dichotomy, for our aim is to heal, it is the healing we can not give up on, the method is expendable.

3]I think this is a good demonstration of how there is something lacking in the battle lines of this war on terror, lacking in its definition and purpose, so that people for and against can't just take sides and fight each other squarely.  I guess that's what asymmetrical means, but it shouldn't be so, if it were a war that would enable us to garner support from other nations and our own country.  The only justification I can think of off the top of my head for sticking in such a war as this is, if it's morally the right thing to do, and our friends have abandoned us out of cowardice or selfishness.  That is by no means clear, which it should be if we're really gonna try even harder to stay in it on our own and send more troops.  There is in fact something to be said for valuing counsel from friends, even if the counsel is negative, even if the message from the friends is that they've abandoned you.  This is really hard and painful to do but is necessary because deciding what course to take on your own, you tend to evaluate truth in a one-sided fashion, looking at things that will support your own conclusions over those that differ.  Even here, in my argument, I may be doing this.  Yet by considering other's arguments, which I've tried to incorporate into my own, it mitigates against going in a bad direction.  Ultimately, there has to be an authority greater than you leading you, because you do not know everything you need to know to plot the types of courses that need to be plotted.  While George Bush purportedly does this, he doesn't walk the talk, he walks rather arrogantly.  No person knows it all and some just come closer than others, by their adherence to wisdom.  For us, whose government is hardly in a listening posture, we don't see this from our government.  John Kerry really exhibited the ability to listen to multiple viewpoints before making a decision, and, being a soldier, he would respect/fear war more and not engage it rashly.  I think he would have done a much better job frankly.


Sunday, April 02, 2006

I'm doing alright these days.  Just wanted to share some poems which are about time, and also some that I find cool.  Otherwise, I'm almost done with my third puzzle =).  Work is going pretty well.  I thought today, it's my own expectations that are keeping me from peace.  Infirmity in mind and body, but yet reassured and thankful in some things is how I feel.  I've experienced these moments where I'm receiving such beauty and grace, but I can't measure the effect they've left on me, except by giving thanks for them.  But, from this ongoing sin of mine (which I don't share with everybody) I sense it leaves me poisoned and ill.  And there are things I wish to accomplish and work towards, seeming to require more time than I have to give so I just do the best I can... Sort of just gotta let things outside of myself happen, give them the opportunity to.  I've been reading and spending time with Elaine and my new small group.  All that time has been a real blessing.  I'm gonna be getting baptized on April 9th!

Mutability

From low to high doth dissolution climb.
And sinks from high to low, along a scale
Of awful notes, whose concord shall not fail;
A musical but melancholy chime,
Which they can hear who meddle not with crime,
Nor avarice, nor over-anxious care.
Truth fails not; but her outward forms that bear
The longest date do melt like frosty rime,
That in the morning whitened hill and plain
And is no more; drop like the tower sublime
Of yesterday, which royally did wear
Its crown of weeds, but could not even sustain
Some casual shout that broke the silent air,
Or the unimaginable touch of Time.

 

To __

O dearer far than light and life are dear,

Full oft our human foresight I deplore;

Trembling, through my unworthiness, with fear

That friends, by death disjoined, may meet no more!

Misgivings, hard to vanquish or control,

Mix with the day, and cross the hour of rest;

While all the future, for thy purer soul,

With 'sober certainties' of love is blest.

If a faint sigh, not meant for human ear,

Tell that these words thy humbleness offend,

Cherish me still - else faltering in the rear

Of a steep march; uphold me to the end.

Peace settles where the Intellect is meek,

And Love is dutiful in thought and deed;

Through Thee communion with that Love I seek;

The faith Heaven strengthens where he moulds the creed.

 

Friends are welcome to come:

Sunday April 9th,

Newsong Church in LA

At Crenshaw High.

(don't know whether it'll be morning service or second service yet, but you can still come see me =)  .)


Thursday, December 15, 2005

These past few Christmas days have brought good cheer but also sadness that must be tied to this time of year.  I've been content for awhile now because of God working in my life.  I'm often happy and fulfilled, especially with Elaine - I can tell that I am when I contrast to how (I remember) I was oftentimes before.  The hurt still comes up but I am aiming to deal with it.  Some of it came up when driving back home from work.  I think it was connected to potential I may or may not ever realize.  That is also connected to a longing to be someone I'm just not built to be, socially.

'Be who you is, cause if you ain't who you is, then you is who you ain't.'

Who I am is who I am at each moment.  It is not the same, I guess, as the person I want to be at each moment, or who I think I am.  Anyway, I want to quickly mention, it's ok to accept who you are, with your lacks and your gifts, while still not giving up hope of filling your lacks should that be the course you come to set your eyes on.  It is not contentment, it is acceptance (which is probably more important).  Well, I was confronting the pain with truth that God has built me exactly the way I am for a reason.  To fulfill his purpose.  It was his good pleasure to build me as I am, and I do not need to doubt my own making.  Since I know God is good, this conclusion is a firm assurance.

Well, confronting painful aspects of yourself and not being able to resolve them or attain resolution is a lot like having an open wound that won't heal.  This is a state I seem to reject completely.  I had a moment where I saw my melancholy as a skin I used to cover myself; to maintain a sense of internal balance.  Thinking back, I may even have used depression as a means of feeling whole when otherwise faced with open wounds I could not close or perhaps did not even know how to close or face.  That might explain (at least partially - I could go into this more) the paradoxical nature of depression, which I wouldn't wish to let go of, but which deeply saddened and paralyzed me (it being its own source with minimal effort, like a well oiled wheel that keeps turning by gusts of wind or a negative-reinforcing cycle).  So depression would be a skin that covers a wound superficially, while ensuring that it won't be healed but can indeed worsen.  In place of melancholy, I have God's assurances now as a skin to use and cover myself.  Yet, these assurances don't suddenly heal the pain and they shouldn't be used just to distract myself from what should be faced.  Oftentimes they are hard to recall, though they pop up when I'm in need.  I shy from taking on a forced smile as I have sometimes tried.  I want to be genuine, even in sadness, though certainly in happiness.

God promises that in this life, we will face suffering and persecution, in walking the path with Him, with his son Jesus.  With him, we are broken, like a rock we fall on.  Without him, we'll be crushed, when the rock falls on us.  The rock is inevitable, haha.  God and Jesus exist, just as life exists.  The two, God and life, are inexplicably tied together.

Well, though the pain was there, I struggled with it, to face it, while holding on to the truth I know from God (of God), and something happened I hadn't expected.  I gained relief from the pain.  It may not be gone, I don't know.  I gained relief as I got tired enough of the effort it took to generate the depressing line of thinking.

[I must interject here that a key component in confronting my depression is knowing that God accepts me for who I am, not for who I should be.  This is how I can see myself as mediocre in many ways yet know that this is not what is most important about life.  Being accepted as I am, at that moment, allows me to focus on living life while being honest that I exhibit many flaws.  Around the time right after my conclusion below I was listening to the song 'Marble Halls' by Enya, and it got to the part that says, "...that you loved me, you loved me still the same." <-- listening to it may have more impact.]

Whether it being the part causing me to focus on painful thoughts or the part wishing to deal with them by God's promises, I just got tuckered out and there wasn't anything there to sustain me thinking about the past.  More than that, the part generating the problem emptied out and I was still standing.  I still had thoughts.  I realized that the problem wasn't as big as me.  Perhaps the parts of me that cause depression are meant to cause struggle.

In the midst of a battle, it seems like you're way in the red, and only falling deeper, unstable, without enough energy to recover or fix all that is being lost.  It's like being tethered to a rock that sinks you deeper into an ocean.  But in reality, whatever part of you that generates those thoughts is still just a part of you.  If you will face it honestly but (this is important) while keeping yourself accountable and in awe of God, then perhaps this is the key to what I experienced.  In the analogy it would be like finding that the chain has broken, and all of your sinking was just a dream, as you awake to stand on dry land once more.  What's more, you'd now see the dream for what it was - a dream.  You are greater than each problem, perhaps just as God places his eternal Holy Spirit inside of us as something greater.  Having that unexpected thing happen made me wonder if perhaps my depressive tendencies have been  placed there, to be of use so that I could struggle against them.  In struggling, to be exhausted to the point where the chain holding me to the problem breaks as the problem is emptied through the weight of my efforts.  Efforts to face it honestly, and to confront its attacks with the truth I know from God.  And this to develop my spirit to overcome these chains.  To see that my spirit still lasts, existing in a realm without the chains - one day, completely free.


Thursday, November 03, 2005

I'm listening to Black Eyed Peas, Don't Lie and Union.  Also Creedence Clearwater (did you know they went to my highschool), Who'll Stop the Rain.  That song seems pertinent considering all the hurricanes recently.

Here's a poem I encountered that I really like, from William Wordsworth:

CHARACTER OF THE HAPPY WARRIOR

Who is the happy Warrior?  Who is he

Whom every Man in arms should wish to be?

-- It is the generous Spirit, who, when brought

Among the tasks of real life, hath wrought

Upon the plan that pleased his childish thought:

Whose high endeavours are an inward light

That make the path before him always bright:

Who, with a natural instict to discern

What knowledge can perform, is diligent to learn;

Abides by this resolve, and stops not there,

But makes his moral being his prime care;

Who, doomed to go in company with Pain,

And Fear, and Bloodshed, miserable train!

Turns his necessity to glorious gain;

In face of these doth exercise a power

Which is our human-nature's highest dower;

Controls them and subdues, transmutes, bereaves

Of their bad influence, and their good receives;

By objects, which might force the soul to abate

Her feeling, rendered more compassionate;

Is placable because occasions rise

So often that demand such sacrifice;

More skilful in self-knowledge, even more pure,

As tempted more; more able to endure,

As more exposed to suffering and distress;

Thence, also, more alive to tenderness.

'Tis he whose law is reason; who depends

Upon that law as on the best of friends;

Whence, in a state where men are tempted still

To evil for a guard against worse ill,

And what in quality or act is best

Doth seldom on a right foundation rest,

He fixes good on good alone, and owes

To virtue every triumph that he knows:

-- Who, if he rise to station of command,

Rises by open means; and there will stand

On honourable terms, or else retire,

And in himself possess his own desire;

Who comprehends his trust, and to the same

Keeps faithful with a singleness of aim;

And therefore does not stop, nor lie in wait

For wealth, or honors, or for worldly state;

Whom they must follow; on whose head must fall,

Like showers of manna, if they come at all:

Whose powers shed round him in the common strife,

Or mild concerns of ordinary life,

A constant influence, a peculiar grace;

But who, if he be called upon to face

Some awful moment to which heaven has joined

Great issues, good or bad for human-kind,

Is happy as a Lover; and attired

With sudden brightness like a Man inspired;

And through the heat of conflict keeps the law

In calmness made, and sees what he foresaw;

Or if an unexpected call succeed,

Come when it will, is equal to the need:

-- He who, though thus endued as with a sense

And faculty for storm and turbulence,

Is yet a Soul whose master bias leans

To home-felt pleasures and to gentle scenes;

Sweet images! which, wheresoe'er he be,

Are at his heart; and such fidelity

It is his darling passion to approve;

More brave for this, that he hath much to love:

'Tis, finally, the Man, who, lifted high,

Conspicuous object in a Nation's eye,

Or left unthought-of in obscurity,

Who, with a toward or untoward lot,

Prosperous or adverse, to his wish or not,

Plays, in the many games of life, that one

Where what he most doth value must be won;

Whom neigher shape of danger can dismay,

Nor thought of tender happiness betray;

Who, not content that former worth stand fast,

Looks forward, persevering to the last,

From well to better, daily self-surpast:

Who, whether praise of him must walk the earth

For ever, and to noble deeds give birth

Or He must go to dust without his fame,

And leave a dead unprofitable name,

Finds comfort in himself and in his cause;

And, while the mortal mist is gathering, draws

His breath in confidence of Heaven's applause;

This is the happy Warrior; this is He

Whom every Man in arms should wish to be.

I feel like it might be missing something.  Maybe something about the importance of friendship and community.  But maybe that could be incorporated into the man's (or woman's) values, seen in the lines '

Plays, in the many games of life, that one

Where what he most doth value must be won;

Yet it amazes me that he can put to words thoughts like these.

I watched a good show recently on the state of health in the world called Rx for Survival: Global Health.  I did not know that people can, by a concerted and collective effort, eradicate some diseases (such as small pox or polio).  Unfortunately new and deadly multi-resistant strains are cropping up.  Research in health is a good investment of money.  

I also watched a similar show on the same public TV channel a few weeks prior about the state of world hunger.  I didn't know before then that we've (collectively, from a rational standpoint) had it within our means to end world hunger (or at least put a serious dent in it) since the time of JFK.  I've always thought this was something over-idealistic people wished for.

A certain researcher featured on the show quantified his work as dollars spent per lives saved, and it was estimated to be something like one life per dollar, or perhaps four dollars.  Regrettably, his research facility was in constant need of funding.  (What gains such a facility produced!)  From what I remember, for one year's funding, it required roughly the same amount as the cost to build one bomber.  This irritated me to consider that if our priorities were even a little less skewed towards military and protecting ourselves, we could be saving thousands upon millions of lives.  If I look at myself, I stand guilty, since I often slip into a state of focus on myself when, by giving that focus to others I'd be helping them.  It is not to neglect or denigrate oneself, but simply to think about others (well-being) more often (more frequently, more consistently, for longer periods of time).  Just as I can shift my focus from myself to others, government can do the same for this country.

Research in producing environmentally sustainable agricultural techniques is also a good and practical way for governments to spend money.  In addition, there are some obvious and easy steps governments can take towards fixing the bottlenecks that stand between the food that is produced and it actually getting to people in need.

Lastly I watched a show on global warming (same channel once more, ah ha).  Environmental sustainability I also view as a remarkably wise investment, considering the havoc nature will begin to wreak if the earth's regulatory mechanisms fall out of whack.  Consider that the cost to fix natural catastrophes will soon outweigh any of the short term gains businesses needed to make or that the economy required to remain stable.  Even if you consider that a business must cut costs by ruining the environment, it is infinitely more worth it for the environment to be spared and for that business to go out of business.  From a humanistic standpoint, it may not be infinitely more worth it, but I'd still say that people (especially those of us whose decisions affect these matters) could at least care enough to be smarter in what we do.  And if the businesses don't care, then they deserve to go out of business.  Even if I or my family were part of such a business, I'd rather see the business fail than see us continue selfishly in a manner that jeopardizes lives and the health of others in the long run.

But in the above reasoning, when do you let something that is failing actually fail?  What if it happens in small increments, while there always remains a presence of hope?  How could you betray that hope by letting yourself fail, even if it temporarily costs others?  Put another way, where would you draw the line?  Maybe what's most important is that you do draw a line.  Otherwise, what might end up happening is that you'd suffer the fate of the frog that's boiled.  You know the story - the frog is placed in a pot of lukewarm water.  The water is very gradually heated and the frog never detects the change until it's too late and it is boiled.  What is nobler still though, than drawing a line, is making a statement by one's actions, and with the resources that one has, which helps solve the problem, or at least a problem.

Obviously I don't live by such a statement as the one two paragraphs above.  I hardly do at all.  It does show the extent I feel about this matter though.  I always have a problem with pinning responsibility on any one entity.  The only person I can with certainty claim as responsible is myself.  I hope that I'd be willing to face the music for what I've truly done.  I'd like to make a comment however.  In general the people who cause trouble may not be the ones who can do anything to change the situation.  The people who can do something to change things are often remote enough from the problem that they won't have to care about it in their lifetime.  Or perhaps they really aren't aware of it.  And this is bad when the problem is such that, once it occurs in someone's lifetime, it will be too late to fix, like a Pandora's box.  If it gave no warning signs at all, we wouldn't have much hope.  Humanity in that case would be like a baby learning to crawl, that ends up crawling off a cliff.  We already tempt our destruction with the existence of nuclear weapons thousands of times more destructive than the atomic bomb.  Fortunately, I'm optimistic and believe that there is hope.  I believe the ones who matter most in such an equation are the ones who have the power to change things but don't necessarily care.  Their authority is ultimately dependent on the people around them.  (This is because, I don't think you can morally have authority over something without being invested in it yourself.  Even if you exist independently of it's survival, if you wish to claim authority, you have to be invested in it.  If not, it would fight or reject you.)  Therefore, if and when opinion shifts, like an avalanche, it would force them to adapt to a different set of practices which means a greater consideration for the environment.  This is just one way I can imagine things might go.  A pessimist might say opinion could very well shift only after there's no one left to hold an opinion.



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