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| I'm feeling rather good. There are reasons for this of course, but then there are little doubts that plague me. Still, these doubts are the hardships that any normal person faces. Difficulties in a person's life are meant to be beaten with a large stick. I feel as if I'm beating them pretty badly at the moment. We'll see how long that lasts of course.
My mom commented on my weight loss. I must say, I'm starting to wonder how this happened. Sure I can do nearly 200 sit ups with some extra effort, but I really have lost more weight than seems possible considering all I'm really doing is sit ups, push ups, and the occasional visit to the gym. Perhaps I am eating poorly. Ah, that hardly matters though. I like these changes. The more weight I lose, the more strength I get back, the more I can do the better I'll feel probably. The more confidence I'll gain.
And eventually I'll be able to be an example to my own children perhaps. Give them a reason to follow their dreams. Maybe take sports even more seriously than I did.
I've also noticed I'm doing work more often now. Getting shit done for college. It's bothersome and great all at once. If I keep this up maybe I can make up for my midterm grades. Get those Cs back to something more respectable. I'm not just going to hope for things anymore, I want to make them happen. I need things to be happy about.
I need something significant.
Furthermore, I nearly let an important part of me go. I had some hint of it returning after it had been lost, but I revived it in a different, but more unfortunate sense. I closed my mind to the efforts of someone that is more deserving than that. I once thought I would never be unnecessarily harsh to people or ignorant of other people as they attempt to gain things that in some way they deserve. I've lost things and I've been the brunt of cruelty. A man may be aggressive, a man may be stern, but a person is not a wall that can't be broken, a person is not an axe that is used only for murder. Psychology says we make up for our insecurities by projecting, in that case if I want to be stronger mentally, as well as physically, I need to actually go after what I want instead of speaking about it.
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| Things sure are changing. It's hard to tell if it's an improvement or a step backward, but it could just be the same thing again and again.
Situations tend to get lumped together in my mind sometimes.
When my significant other and I had our intense little spat and broke it off, that first week I got a good rush. It's faded now, but during that time I discovered that I can understand things pretty well and I've got some strength that I don't normally display. A couple of days ago, I think this strength appeared in a tiebreaker exercise in my tennis class. I guess I'm getting tired of losing, but I really just sort of exploded and won several points in a row with three very good serves and some incredibly well placed shots. Then I let up after a bit and let 3 points go by me, but by then my opponent could not have caught up and she lost the drill. Still, before then I was only doing okay with playing the other people, and I had already lost before to that girl due to carelessness.
I want to strive to reach that strength consistently in everything. I need some aggression in my life. It does no good for anyone if I'm always passive.
I figure if anyone can find that center place and be comfortable it's me. For my sake, I need to turn momentary strength into consistent strength.
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| It's kinda funny that I once thought separating from someone I love would be a little more traumatic than this. I've always been able to get over things rather quickly (always being a relative term with a range of under a decade of my life), but I feel the same with something of this magnitude that I do with something less important. It's the little stupid bits that really bother me, and only for that brief moment that I'm encountered with them. For example, I got stuck today between some fool in a BMW (some people in nice cars have problems with that it seems) and an ambulance because the guy wouldn't move himself. He finally got the message with a combination of my horn and the ambulance's sirens. It was ridiculous and that really bothered me.
To be honest, the whole situation wasn't too big a deal. The accident that the ambulance was driving to was just a turn away and they were already starting to move around traffic when the guy finally got some sense. It just took a minute too long for me and pissed me off.
I guess I'm stuck in one of those stages of coping. Probably denial, at least that seems to be what I keep thinking it is. But, in the back of my mind I sort of want to feel bad maybe. I might just be trying to make an excuse for feeling a little too indifferent.
Then again, I wouldn't be blogging if I wasn't feeling something. I guess Joy is right in some sense, I am scatter brained. Can't even figure out my own mindset.
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| Couple of good ol' friends got me thinking about typing on here again. This here is my little inane spot on the web.
Anywho, a lot has gone on. Got myself a nifty set of new personality traits (little bits of new traits) and a nice major. Had a girlfriend for a bit (imagine that, me with a girlfriend, I tell ya, things can certainly change) and recently that chapter of my life has closed. It's a bittersweet sort of thing. Probably why I have seriously considered Xanga as an avenue of release. Then again, I probably won't update this very much. It'll be my small release for as long as I remember what my intentions are.
Maybe I'll try some html and see if I can get some sweet JavaScript embedded on my page or weblogs (is that what we are calling them now?) but that requires some free time.
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My pain is self-chosen
At least, so The Prophet says
I could either burn
Or cut off my pride and buy some time
A head full of lies is the weight, tied to my waist
The River of Deceit pulls down, oh oh
The only direction we flow is down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
My pain is self-chosen
At least I believe it to be
I could either drown
Or pull off my skin and swim to shore
Now I can grow a beautiful shell for all to see
The River of Deceit pulls down, yeah
The only direction we flow is down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
The pain is self-chosen, yeah
Our pain is self-chosen
As heard on the album Above by Mad Season featuring Layne Staley, Mike McCready, John Baker Saunders, and Barret Martin as well as guest vocalist Mark Lanegan. Good band. | | |
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