Currently Reading The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap By Stephanie Coontz see related

Things I have realized.

1) As much as I thought I hated history, I actually love it.

2) I do not want to work minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life; I /will/ get my degree.

3) I am hopelessly addicted to cigarettes.

4) I hate Michael Moore.

5) Hate is a strong word, only to be used when it is truly meant.

6) I /DO/ hate Michael Moore.

7) I don't need a girlfriend, like I always say. I just /want/ one.

8) I love being in love, and I hate being alone.

9) I am not gay, I am transgendered.

10) Despite what I would like to think, my father is an idiot.

11) Dropping out of high school was a mistake.

12) I /will/ and MUST go to college this summer.

13) I /do/ want to become a teacher.

14) I miss writing poetry and stories

15) I work too hard for my money. I shouldn't waste it like I often do.

16) I miss my friends and being around them as often as I got to when I went to school.

17) Despite what he'd like to think, Tom is nothing more than the average human being.

18) I love my twin more than anything.

19) I need to work out every day again like I used to.

20) I am through with letting people boss me around or take advantage of me. Amber is gone. But what is to come will be happier. Not necissarily new, but improved.

And lastly, if you don't accept me for who I am - or others for who they are, then fuck you. You are a low life peice of fresh horse shit that smells like your great grandfather's asshole after he has skipped being bathed for the last five days.

EDIT: Yeah, it's almost 8 am now, and still no sleep  0.o;

I layed awake in bed for about two and a half hours, stirring and trying to go down, but it didn't work.  So I got back up and started studying for my promotion to team leader at CEC.  Been doing that for the past three ish or four ish hours. meh. Bet you can't tell me what the two rules at chuck e cheese are xD

BUT I CAN TELL YOOOOOOOOOUUUUU! *Snickers like a cornball* I've got work today at four.  Will probably go in around three and try to clock in early for some extra cash, and to see about taking that test.  Oh and I'm slowly (but not too slowly) gonna cut myself back down to two and no more than two cigarettes per day.  I'm not even 18 yet, cheeeese!

Wish I were a kid again

so innocent and totally oblivious

With all my heart - In love with life;

each day so very delicious.

Wish I were a child- waking up to mother's smile,

crawl onto the couch, watch Sesame Street-

then rest my eyes again for a while.

by mama's tender touch-

she grabs my palms and joins in laughter-

tells me she loves me so much.

I smile and run off, stuffed lion in hand-

sissy yawns but follows closely

hardly alert enough to stand. 

then sillyness all afternoon;

served macaroni and ice cream

with our favourite cartoon.

Royal twins on royal carpet

playing royal games of tag;

we'd play a game of pretend Royal House-

she'd be Queen Mom,

I'd be King Dad.

no worries, none at all.

Now almost every day

I get some sort of crazy wake-up call-

a reminder that I need to know

that things are nothing like they used to be. 

Damn how I miss the way that mama would take care of me.

numerous things have changed.

It's time for that love exchange now,

time to show her that I care- 

to let her know I will never forget

that she was always there.

She knows that she has taught me well.

had to (of course) throw in a twist- my way to handle

certain things.

Done with giving her hell,

now I offer mamma wings.

It is time to grow up and be smart.

So today, a new start-

I do promise my momma

not alone this time -

but together.

~written by me~ 05-23-06

It's a little after 1 am. I am outside having a smoke and clearing my head.  I am thinking about life again. Damn.  All I really want out of it is a girl whom I love and who loves me in return - and of course, like everyone else, to know its purpose.  Is that so much to ask?  It is.  Everyone wants to know life's purpose.  No one ever will though - thus it's an opinion - at least until there can be an explanation...which is not probable. 

Once upon a time, there was this girl.  I fell in love with her.  I wanted to make her my everything.  But it wasn't that easy.  In fact, it was over before it began.  She couldn't love me back.  Not the same way.  ----   I'll never be able to fall in love again - not until I can fall out of love with her.  But do I have the power to do that? I don't know.  Until I fix this problem, I can't, I won't- live happily ever after.