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| Go figure that the moment I get back to the apartment, I'm suddenly seized by my productive tendencies. Leave Hawaii and the stress starts to ease back in.
At least it's easing in and not blowing up in my face.
Time to read Anita Blake while I wait for my Chinese food delivery. Nom nom.
Also, Aline's angels gave me further conviction in what I already knew. And even if they didn't say yes, I'd still believe just as strongly.
Hungry~
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| It's been a while since my last entry, and quite a bit has happened since then. I originally got the inspiration for this blog from Christmas Eve mass. I don't go to church regularly, and I used to make a big deal out of it when we went during Christmas time. This year was different. I went without resisting. It was something my family needed, and it was something that I felt would clear my mind. Other than the birth of Christ, the message of the mass was love. Love that Jesus gave unconditionally. When you love a person so much that all you want is their happiness in return, I think it's apparent the depth and magnitude of that person's affect on you. For me, I want that person to be happy. But I also want that person to be happy with me. Because it's only fair, right? Because you figure that a person who is willing to give up so much, should expect just as much in return. And right now, I'm in the middle. My love for Brian seems to be bi-polar. ^_^; I love Brian, and am willing to do anything, under certain conditions: 1. He's not seeing anyone else. 2. The feeling is mutual. However, that aside, the fact that I'm even agreeing to these things in the first place when I would like more, especially when originally I decided that the best thing to do would be to cut things off for now and make him miss me... Well, apparently that's how it did not end up so conclusion is that we're both weak to each other. The fact that neither of us are willing to go completely makes me happy, and relieved...? My other thing is while I agree that he should see other women and "get more experience" - WTF THIS ISN'T A VIDEO GAME - I can't help but feel shelved. I mean, I'm confident in myself to believe that no guy would let me go unless I did something REALLY STUPID like cheat or whatever. And I'm even confident in myself that I wouldn't ever do something so disloyal to my partner. But anywho, I think that's what hurts my pride the most. There's nothing wrong with me, yet he let me go. Is it really necessary? Is dating other women really necessary? And how long would I have to wait for that? Truth is... I'm already waiting. And have prepared myself to wait, regardless of what I or others may think. Yeah, I may date other guys, but I know I'd always be waiting for him to come back. Because honestly, when you've found that person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life with, why go searching for something or someone else? I'd rather wait then waste mine or others' time. I'm so dramatic. >_>;; Somehow though, I have this feeling that everything will be okay. If he needs time, I'll give it to him. I just hope it isn't unreasonable. On to happier news... I got to spend Christmas with my whole family, including my sister. And... yeah, I didn't say goodbye to Brian FOREVAR. Like that was going to happen. <_<;; But really, why is it that I finally find a guy with whom I want to share forever with, AND THIS HAPPENS? THIS? I really shouldn't be complaining though. Why? Cuz it could always be worse. We're not together, but we are sometimes? Am I here just for convenience? I'm not getting any straight answers, but for some reason, I don't expect any. There used to be a time where everything was black and white to me. Either you love me and we're together, or we're not. And now I've made exceptions to saying I love you, you won't say you love me (even though I know you do, goddamn you but you won't say it because it'll complicate things more than they already are), and we're not together status-wise. And now... everything's gray when I'm not with you. But when we're together, there's nothing but rainbows.~ | | |
| My younger sister who is 18, has decided she's had enough of home and has decided to run away to North Carolina with a 22 year old marine.
She's tried to once before a couple weekends ago, but Dylan was able to get a hold of her.
And now she's run off again.
A lot of it has to do with how we grew up. My dad is very strict, but he's also a good father, and more importantly a good man. So, even though he told us to come to him if we had anything on our mind, we were afraid to because he got angry easily, and we didn't want to get beat for voicing our opinions. So, I didn't have understanding parents as some kids might've had. And a lot of the times, I held in my emotions and thoughts while growing up at home. And it's probably why I am the way I am today. I've had plenty of practice reflecting on why people do the things they do, why things happen, and forming my own opinions and standards.
It took me a long time to feel comfortable to openly talk to my parents and have them take me seriously because I'm not a little girl any more. I still kept my relationships hidden because I was afraid my parents would make me come back to Hawaii.
It wasn't until my relationship with Brian that everything had changed. I didn't hide him from my parents, yet I didn't bring my relationship forward because I didn't know how they would react still. All I knew was that I had complete faith that they wouldn't disapprove of him, because for the first time, I felt like I had made the right choice.
So, things got easier with my parents. I'm lucky in that sense. For my sister though, she's the baby and she's still young. And she's been sheltered. Of course she'd get tired living under our house, still having to abide by rules and getting yelled at if they're not followed. Being alone, it's hard to turn to someone to talk to, to give advice and tell her that if she wanted to have our parents take her seriously, she would have to talk to them as maturely as possible.
Instead she took the opposite route, listened to her peers who told her she was 18 and could do anything she wanted, and decided to follow in one of their footsteps to run away with a marine.
My whole view on this is, I love my dad, and I understand why he gets easily upset. He's so focused on trying to raise a good family and steer us clear of drugs and other such influences while we were growing up. But in his "my way or the highway" attitude, he drove an invisible wedge between himself and everyone else. And the saddest part yesterday when I talked to him about it to make him try and realize that he's partly at fault, he had no idea.
And after I had him realize that, he broke down and cried.
I can only imagine how horribly guilty he must feel. To be a parent and only want the best for your child, and to realize that you've driven them to this corner - it's like a slap in the face, a kick in the gut. And it wasn't just my sister. I even told my father that while growing up, even I had a hard time talking to him and mom. Mostly him though, because of the same reason. I didn't want to get beaten.
So... My parents talked last night. And I'm glad they've been able to get it out in the air. My mom, bless her, is sticking my by father's side and working this out. She could've left him years ago. But she stayed for us, and because she knows that he's still a good man. Our main concern right now is finding where my sister is, and making sure she's safe.
If she wants to be free, my parents will give her that. Because all they want is for her to be happy.
And now, I might not have a complete family to come home to.
And there's also the possibility that I might have to say goodbye to Brian for good.
They say god only gives you what you can handle.
But right now, on top of the 5-6 hours of sleep I'm getting daily, I'm emotionally/physically/mentally drained.
It really feels like I'm slowly dying.
I feel sick. I want to throw up. This is too much on my heart.
But I still want my happy ending...
So I'll live.
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| I am feeling so strained right now. @_@
It sucks when I can't sleep properly, for whatever reason.
Work is busy right now. And it's going to be busy for the next 3-4 months. Ugggggh. And, even though I have a lot of responsibilities now and constantly sort of supervising, I guess it's some sort of backhanded compliment. Perhaps a raise is in order as well as a bigger bonus next year.
w00t.
I am exhausted though. And restless. And it's starting to take a toll on me. I'm losing focus at work, I've screwed up twice. I know, nobody's perfect.
But I'd like to think I'm damn near close. ;)
I can't really sign up for any winter courses, as there's nothing available that would apply to my degree, and nothing interesting to take anyways. Meh.
As far as to what I'm going to decide for the upcoming weekend about three weeks from now, I have no idea.
I am the most inconsistent person EVAR. My workout schedule attributes to that. I've hovered between both sides of the line, and though there are times where I seem resolute and I know what I should do, there are just as many times where I want to do what I've always wanted from the moment I realized it. It's definitely half and half right now.
I should have my mind made up beforehand, but I know it's not the conviction behind the choice that could be lacking should my resolution waver, it's the fact that there's a much more stronger feeling, wanting, that demands to be the choice I should make.
But then again, there never really were any choices for me, were there?
I've always wanted one thing.
Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. And you either ignore it or embrace it.
I feel like I'm ignoring the whole point of this break up entirely, but goddamnit, I can be selfish too. ._.
And stupid.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
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| This weekend has given me some sort of peace of mind and heart.
I went into Friday prepared and conditioned to not get my hopes up too high, and was ready to accept denial if it came down to it. Yet, I was still hoping I'd have my wish. Well, some sort of it. To hope to get back together again immediately would be foolish and unrealistic. A possibility, as all things are, but highly unlikely.
If anything, at least I know he still cares. And to me, that's probably the most important thing of all.
Currently my heart is twisted in knots. Aching, painful knots mind you.
What I want doesn't seem like it'll be coming any time soon, if ever. (Ouch. Painful spike there.)
It would probably be the best, most beautiful Christmas this year if my wish came true.
But after Brian and I broke up, I stopped making wishes. I know stuff like that doesn't work. Well, maybe not in the sense I meant it to, and maybe it wasn't time for that wish to come true. Or wishes rather.
Then again, I wanted to be the one that made Brian happy. Not some wish.
I feel like I can be resolute in three weeks, which will be the next time I see him. But I'm still choosing which path to take.
In the end, I could always be steadfast to my heart. But I'm prepared to lose this battle, and accept defeat.
If it comes to that, I don't think being friends is an option.
I love him too much to settle as being friends and we both deserve much more than that.
Then again, I could always see him face to face and just fall apart.
You would think it would be pretty damn apparent on what to do if your attraction to one another is just too strong to ignore. In fact, it's pretty damn logical if you want to go that route.
It's not just emotions. It's science. THE SCIENCE OF LOVE.
I try to be serious in my posts, I really do. But then I end up making myself laugh at my own silliness. ^_^
Uuuuugh. Honestly, guys, am I not someone worth fighting for?
Am I not someone worth keeping?
And I know the reasons for the break up have nothing to do with me.
But I would like to be the reason for staying.
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3 weeks, huh?
Shimatta.
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