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Astella
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Interests: highfashion.shopping.dancing.partying.cocktails.girls'night out.the high life.beaches.pools.my girlfriends.alternative rock,brit rock,RnB&HipHop.exotic films, cuisine and cultures.ikea,interior home decor.cooking.advertising,public relations,clinical psychology,medicine, finance.
Expertise: Psychology (Medicine, health and human sciences).
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Medical
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
9/17/2004
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| i wanted a fuckin tattoo on my left wrist on xmas. it was gonna be a gorgeous young nubile fairy in the nude no bigger than a 50 cent coin. she was the symbolic representation of eden fairy of faith. the whole notion to it was the idea of raw femininity in its sensuality, and the powerful reminder of faith, not when things are real good, but even more so, when things are really fucked up.
it is true, everyday i still seek and search for approval, its insatiable its crazy and i m tired of it. do i really need approval and assurance all the damn fucking time?? seriously. what good does it stand to gain. i need to rely and trust my own judgement, opinions and choices sometimes not others'.
had the most amazing spa in batam on sunday. fantastic shite. it was weird coz it was totally full body nude and they apparently massaged your breasts as well so you're like fucking topless and baring your breasts partly blindfolded. damn weird. i think i saw my girlfriends' breasts as well. most of us were well endowed. haha =X anyway it rained halfway and we were in this nature spa thing so it felt pretty good. =x
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| i havent been bloggin for a very long time due to very obvious reasons. i've totally moved on. moved on from mark, from the intense heavy december fucked up state of mind where i was jobless and frantic and freaking out, into a epilogue of a beautiful ending to a horrible year and a smashing start to the new year. everything in good hands, in god's plan in good timing. i won't elaborate on mark, but i'll fill up on what happened then, which is amazingly a hell lot more beautiful than what i've lost. this situation has really opened up my eyes my heart and my mind and pushed me to see the greater good in everything and above all, ive gained alot of hope. and faith.
for weeks ive been freaking and flipping out. i was really afraid and terrified coz for once in a long time i was jobless and alone. i didnt have daphne and the whole 9 to 6 rountine of working and being with people, i woke up to a silent empty house where i was totally aimless and behaving like a post-alcoholic out from rehab. maybe working was my drug, my addiction to fuel me from my previous emptiness. rounds of interviews, spamming of resumes and stupid things like.... well you know what i did. i was barely home for days. i guess that severely fuelled into a deeper state of emptiness for me since i didnt have anything to really focus and live for.
one day it kinda hit me. so i left slowly and gradually into that little pile of shithole i was sinking into. and i guess timing could have been more perfect coz the minute i was home and realizing how much ive missed home i got more calls for interviews. i got hired on an interview which i wasnt interested to go but turned out to be a rather good choice out of all the choices i was given. today is my first day.
i got really close to my cousins vivi and melvin again and my aunt so that was kinda it for me. family, love, affection, understanding, acceptance and having healthy form of attention. that was really beautiful. i was shaking with a fever for xmas eve after a crazy night at zouk and i managed to make it for the xmas family party, then chinaone with vania and had the most amazing time w her. shes a dancer, we dance our brains out that night and it was good. i've gotten back with rachel williams and it is the most beautiful thing ever so far :) i realised once ive let go of the unhealthy things that drag me down and regain the beautiful productive ones, life is really kicking in. just like now. i cannot imagine a day without the things i've gained just like that. it is really getting better and i've got only one person to credit all this too. perhaps ive been hurting myself due to curiosity, of wanting to experiment, and learning that it all ends with pain when you fill it up with the wrong people, wrong things. we will see.
nothing matters more to me right now than love. affection. the whole notion of unconditional positive regard. the need to be accepted, understood and loved for what i am. the strong need to fit in. nothing matters more. for the longest time ive been hangin out with the wrong people doing the wrong things just to be love and guess what? thats right, more pain and i dig myself into a deeper hole. right now im learning, what makes me happy, im learning to understand and know myself more, so that is the best damn gift i can give to myself right now.
it is working out. i dont need to please people anymore. not that much anyways.
long day tomorrow. update later.
oh i have to talk about NYE. that was amazing too. i was with rachel, her bro timothy and his best friend bryan. bryan is a real sweetheart. and vania too! we had a fucking blast i would say tho there wasnt an after party disappointingly but it was the damn good shite too :) dance dance dance love love love live live live
i love to dance. did i ever tell you or anybody that? yes i love too. when the lights go out, crank up the music, we'll do it the dirty way. it was only with people i truly loved and have the most amazing time with that made me realized that. thats the thing with people you really connect with- you tend to realise the real you. you feel belonged and needed and wanted - you're understood and thats powerful enough to be the real deal. i remember me and mr P danced the fuck away at clubs and all and it was fucking crazy wild and ecstatic, like everything you ever wanted and not give a fuck. as you can see, i am still learning and discovering about myself every damn day and that is very important for me in dealing with alot of things. :)
i think sometimes its not about who you're with but the strongest connection you have with people that makes you feel loved, belonged and accepted. the people that matters the most to you. your loved ones. you see, we're all made to be connected. our five senses. who we are. what we are. what we have. and what we are trying to be. and everything we are. we are made to be with people. to be loved. to love. to feel. to have. to want. to take. and thats complicated - because with desires, there is disappointments, loss and pain. but you know what? have faith.
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| i remembered when me and P first met, it was at my house, i was wearing no makeup but he said I was.. hot
kind of shocked but sometimes i wonder whether i try to hard to be hot or femininely socially appropriate or what
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| mark says (6:04 PM): believe me we need to be love but it we are the ones who make ourselve wholedanielle says (6:04 PM): yes of course mark says (6:04 PM): well as long as ur realizing it then u getting over it alreadydanielle says (6:04 PM): yeah mark says (6:04 PM): ok to tell u. since i was with u. i see the really u u change and its seems to be betterdanielle says (6:04 PM): yeah it is danielle says (6:05 PM): and its not the drugs haha mark says (6:05 PM): and u like what u are....i thinkhaahamaybe im ur drugs | | |
| i have a lot of self esteem issues if you didn't already realize
for some reason also im always in black. is black the sleek color to make you look skinny?
or some kinda power tripping thing?
its either club wear, corporate wear, and for some reason there's black involved
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