You Stink California!

A Week In The Life...

How to make friends and influence people

(I'm reposting a blog I posted on another blog...I'm tired and unimaginative)

One of the most worrisome but not oft talked about issues with moving away from the city and friends we have known for 10 years is the idea of making new friends. Not only do our old (aka "golden") friends set a high bar for any perspective future friends, but being relativly introverted means making friends can be even more diffcult than normal. I think I'm a little "friend-making" challenged, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

"Be open and honest with people". I think that's a horrible idea! I've tried it a couple times and most people said that the first time they met me I scared them. There's plenty of stuff peope don't really want to know about me, not even the friends I already have. "Hi, my name is Crystal and ignorant people bug me. How are you doing today?" Yeah, that one just really perks'em right up! Or my favorite, "I do my best thinking in the bathroom."
Or:

"I think it's funny when my dog snores."
"I get bored when people talk about themselves."
"I like to read books, but I don't really like to discuss them."
"I love shoes."

And where exactly am I supposed to meet people to be open and honest with? In the grocery store? Walking down the street? At restaurants? So I'm in the produce aisle and I see a guy checking out the tomatoes and I'm supposed to be like, "I make my own salsa!". Or when I'm walking down the street and see someone power walking passed me I can shout out to them, "I have a dog and she's real cute!". Or maybe at a stop light I can just roll down my window and say, "I bought this car from an old guy who died!". Why didn't I think of this before! I'm going to be swimming in friends!

This however, is not how I've made friends in the past. Not like I've made a ga-zillion friends. The last friend I made by inviting her over for a movie and then locking us both out of my house at 2 in the morning so that she was forced to offer me a place to spend the night until my husband got home with a key. I might just stick with that option, it's worked so well for me.

"Just be yourself". Yeah, great...if you like yourself. I personally am not very impressed with myself. Who wants to be friends with someone who would much rather read than try to come up with conversation that is bound to be boring? Who wants to hang out with a person who is either too quiet or too loud, doesn't like sports or politics, couldn't care less about the weather, doesn't have any hobbies, has either no opinions or far too many opinions, is easily bored with games or gets too competetive, and has no basic interests that can be shared in a group setting. I think we all understand that some people really shouldn't just be themselves, some people should try to be other people.

"Learn to listen". I've done this before. I've been very careing and listened a lot and not said anything. This seems to attract the clingy, needy, and self absorbed. Or just plain weird. I've had people who talk and the more they talk and don't get a response the more bizaare they get, and suddenly they're talking to you about being able to turn street lights on and off with their mind when they get in 'the mood'. And to be completely honest, I don't just want friends, I want cool friends.

Here are some ideas I have put together which I think are way better than those silly little sayings that your mom cross stiched and hung in your bedroom.

"Be a hero". Everyone likes a hero. If you've saved someone from accident or near death, they'll be your friend forever. I suggesting tripping someone accidentally on purpose and then catching them before they fall. Then, when they thank you profusely you can be very humble and most people like that a lot. If that doesn't work, the next time you see them you can push them in front of a car and then push them out of the way sacrificing your body for their safety. This has to work although it may make you dead.

"Stalk 'em if you like 'em". For this you have to be a little bit sneaky because you don't want to get caught. Getting caught makes enemies, not friends. Stalking means you need to find out everything they like, and don't like, and all the people they hang out with. Then, when you 'meet accidentally' you like everything and everyone they do. This works because most people are in love with themselves and will immediatly like anyone who is exactly like them. This is hard, however, because it means trying to find someone cool enough to be worth stalking.

"Be cool and mysterious". This works but you have to find the perfect balance of both cool and mysterious. I am very mysterious but it's often hard for me to be cool, that makes people not want to get to know me. If you're cool but not mysterious, sooner or later people are going to figure out that you're not that cool. To be both cool and mysterious the best thing to do normally is to lie. Say something like, "It's so hard to date famous men. The last one I dated got shot", when they ask questions, refuse to talk about it.

"Kidnap". The accidental kidnapping has been a proven friend maker in my time. This can be done by locking yourself or someone else out of their home. I also think this would work great in an elevator. You could accidentally spill your Big-chug on all of the buttons. Then you've got plenty of time to meet and greet while waiting for the rescue team to arrive. It works even better if the elevator does not get good reception, then people cannot ignore you by talking on the phone the whole time. Take advantage of the whole situation, remember firemen can be friends too!

Personally, I have not found very many people that are worthy of being kidnapped or almost killed. Plus, I just don't have the energy for most of these ideas. To be honest, as I move on to new places and new things, I'm going to stick with the old saying "If you want a friend, be a friend". It's a good saying and it actually helps me to remember it when I'm dealing with new people. To keep in mind that I need to be the person I most want to befriend. Someone funny, kind, and outgoing. I can't expect people to come find me so I have to go find them. I have to be the one to say "Hey, let's go get something to eat" or "Do you bowl?" or "Do you need help with that?" I have to keep my eyes open for the opportunities that present themselves. It's hard, it's not always fun, and it's not always worth it. But, if out of 100 tries, I get 1 genuine friend, then I think I'll be ok.

The Groves Child Rearing Technique...Raising Kids for Fun and Profit!

Last Sunday was the dedication of the new Doty Center and we happened to run into friends from college who we hadn't seen since their wedding (which was 3 weeks after ours about 5 and a half years ago) plus some other friends we hadn't seen in some unknown but large amount of time. We went out to eat with both of them and between the two couples there were 7 children under the age of 6 at the table.
 
Ben and I tried our best to be helpful with the kids and understanding that with so many small hands, feet, and mouths at the table, things are going to happen, just roll with the punches. We left feeling like we'd just been through a tornado but it was pretty hilarious.
 
But it really got me thinking, these two women who I knew in college didn't strike me as the Uber-moms they have become. They love their children...no I mean they LOVE their kids and yet they haven't lost their own identities. They are women who have goals for themselves, goals that include their children but are not guided solely by the needs of their children.

People have ideas of what kind of parent they will be but I've come to the conclusion that no one really knows. There are some girls I thought would have 5 or 6 kids but seem content with 1 or none at all. There are some girls who can handle 4 kids at a time and never get flustered and others that start panicing when their one and only gets a runny nose. Their are parents I thought would coddle and spoil their kids who are in fact quite stern; and parents I thought would never put up with a rowdy child instead are very passive.

You can say it takes a village to raise a child but I think that only works if the whole village has the same idea of what is and is not acceptable for a child. The only kids I feel really comfotible babysitting and diciplining are my nieces and nephews because I know what is and is not acceptable behavior and I know what their parents would do in the same situation. Even with Gretchen, who is autistic, I have a general understanding of how they handle her issues. I have learned that many of the ideas I have come from my parents and the fact that my siblings still follow most, if not all, of the rules and because I see my nieces and nephews, most if not all, becoming well behaved, obediant, and respectful people, I guess it works.

So, for all my friends with children out there (and there seem to be more and more of you) here is a list of the Groves Rules for Child Rearing....maybe you better read through this before you ask me to babysit.

#1   You should not interupt adults when they are talking. You're a kid, whatever it is, it's not that important.

#2   If you are old enough to sit at a table for meals, you are old enough to learn to sit still, ask to be excused, and eat food without playing or crawling under the table. (Notice I did say "learn" meaning this is a continual process).

#3   You will only be asked to do something once, it should be done immediatly. The second time you are asked, it tends to hurt.

#4   Attitude can be disciplined the same way as inappropraite actions, watch that attitude!

#5   "No child left behind" means everyone does chores. When you can dress yourself you can help put clothes away and when you eat at the table you help clean up even if it means just taking your own plate to the kitchen.

#6   It's ok to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. Consequences are also ok. There are always consequences. Learn from your mistakes.

#7   If you did something stupid and got hurt, you're not allowed to cry about it or ask for sympathy (see #6)

#8   Whining is strictly forbidden.

#9   Temper tantrums are strictly forbidden.

#10  There is a time for play and a time for work, your job as a child is to learn which is which.

There are 2 main values in the Groves Method. Obediance and Respect. Do as your told and don't cop an attitude, everything else falls under learning from your mistakes. Groves Method understands that childhood is the opportunity to learn to be an adult before we send you out into the real world to fend for yourself.

The Positive Part of the Negative

I haven't been blogging because I figure everyone will get bored with me talking about how much I hate my job which is about all I got going for me right now. But I will say this.

1) Inventory is a great workout. I haul around a 300 pound book cart, I lift heavy refernce books, and I do this several times a day. I work up a sweat seriously.

2) I gave up most sugery things like candy and dessert for Lent. I didn't give up sugar all together because I still put it in my coffee which is down to about 2 or 3 cups a week, but I drink diet pop so that's cutting more out as well.

3) I'm wearing 5 pound ankle weights when I walk my dog, which can almost kill a person when it's icy out but again, it's a good workout.

All in all, I'm about 4 pounds away from what I weighed when I got married, I haven't been that lean since....I got married.

Awesome.