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| pls go to pr211007.livejournal.com in the future! The prodigal returns.. 21 Oct 07.. | | |
| Well, I've finished my first full show with Wild Rice.. It's been pretty fun..
Im pretty proud of myself.. Out of soooo many shows, I only made mistake twice.. Hee hee.. okie okie, it;s still a mistake.. Probly coz of the fact that I've worked day and night.. Good thing I still manage to rest..
Hmm... The house issue is still giving me lots of headache..
Maybe I should go to "that one" to help me.....
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
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| I need to worry about finding a place to stay with my mum (which means rent as well), debts to be paid to friends (yaaa, I know i owe money, so sorry, but pls be patient), family problems (too much to mention), a mother who keeps drinking when she not suppose to (in depression too)...
So at a time like this, i look high up in the sky, and God's beautiful clouds greeted me. I looked back to earth, looked around for morale support, but sad to say, its hardly there. There are more friends out there who like to advise then to listen, when I just need someone to listen. So, pardon me for not talking, or in your context, not open to any social groups.
Been crying every night. I know, I'm a cry baby. It's a known fact. Tears dropped silently, mum's still talking about how hopeless life is right now. Most of you might know, mum's always my pillar of strength. So when someone you relied emotionally on for 23 years, just broke down, you lost the main voice of your soul. Its been more than a year, since mum broke down. My super woman. Everytime I thought I finally pick her and myself up, some where, certain familiar forces made her fall again. Now, she's drinking herself silly. She's tired. I'm tired too, but yes, for her I smiled, and say, "Dont worry mama, everything will be okay." Hey, help me out here. It takes three times the strength to support the smile and lie i just told her. All she thinks about is dying now. So my dear friends, pardon me for not smiling, or in your context, throwing my temper or always having that black face.
Someone's leaving soon. Joining her love at the other side of the world. I should have been over her. I thought i was. Apparently I'm not. My heart's aching so badly, I cant cry.
Of all advices i have heard, the one that really crack me up was, "you should start feeding yourself" Perhaps i misunderstood. But I replied, isnt that what im doing now? Apprently not! Well, my friends, not to boast, but i supported myself since i was 14. So friends, pardon me for shaking my head whenever you guys say that because i dont want to be rude and answer you back, or in your context, bad body language.
A certain hope that i thought i had based on a certain promised told to me was gone. I still love my family. God has his reasons for putting me here, and I am not giving up.
My songs contained my tears and pain, sometimes love and dreams. I dont have much pride in anything. Except for my mum and my songs. You can join me in laughing at my size, weight, intelligence, race. But dont you ever dare talk about my mum and my songs like you know her, or the way you know how it feels. Pardon me for snapping at you guys whenever you guys comment about mum and songs.
i know this musical dream of my is slipping away.
So my friends, tell me. What's life without love, hope & dream?
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| Everyone's been asking me, "How's life after leaving Toy?" Well, first thing first, I starved more than usual. And there's a lot of things about me, that's changed.
Like for instance, my temper has died down a lot. But I still dont understand why I flare up so easily in front of stanley. I was able to keep my cool during the whole process of rehearsals and show times of BFL. But whenever Stanley talks to me, sometimes, I just get agitated.. Hmm... I think one of the reason is that, Stanley has this tendency (pardon the spelling) to be very stubborn and insist on speaking to me when i really dont feel like speaking. I dont quite understand a point. Coz we both has some muture friends who dont like to speak, and he usually leaves them alone. haha, its just weird. Coz i really really really, not so socialble as you guys deem me to be. I like to be quiet, and just listen to my music. How come I can always understand and accept that you guys behave the way you do, but why treat me differently.
I know i know, I've been called anti-social, rude, poor body language and whatsnots.. Is it so difficult to let me be quiet? I love stanley, there's really no doubt about that. But sometimes, when I insist on not talking to him, which sometimes means i flare up, he says things that really hurt me, which then again, i have to pluck up energy to apologize, which i really hate, thats why i refuse to speak in the first place, because I'm having bad moods!
I dont know how many million, billion, zillion times I've said this. I know myself, that's why, why I said nicely, I dont want to talk, equals to if-cynthia-talks-she-will-deem-to-be-rude-which-will-make-respective-friend-talking-to-her-very-angry
-which-means-cynthia-has-to-apologize-and-kena-whack-and-scolding-for-being-inconsiderate-
to-friends-who-are-trying-to-care
My dear friends, I know you care. I really do. There are some things, I really dont want to say, because you guys have heard too much. Why should I give emotional burdens to you guys, when you have your own to carry? And I know i won't take your advice at the end of the day because, I am stubborn. If you realize, sometimes, I dont really give advice, i only listen. Coz simple theory, dont do unto others, what you dont want other to do unto you.
Before anyone gets any misunderstanding, pls pls text me to get the facts straight. Oh ya, my line got cut. I know clearly about my financial situations, I've been working. Anyway, I'm using my mum's other phone, so anything just text this number --> 9672 6821. Its my mum's line, so pls understand why I didnt mass sms to everyone about the change of number.
Right, next on the list. Work. There's a sudden urge to work, any kind of work. And my best polar bear friend, ping'er, has kindly endured my ridiculas schedule and hired me as a helper. Though I've tried to save everyday, which I did, mum's been helping herself to the money I get everyday. DONT start about asking to stop or whatever, I know the problem, and you guys know what I will say. I'm just trying to make life comfortable. Maybe just her happiness, to build on my bitterness. She doesn't know the things I'm going through. If you guys think I'm anti social, try asking my mum about that problem, I dont talk to her much either. In fact, I have to start the conversation before she knows its safe to speak to me, without me flaring up and giving her my I-swear-I-will-chew-you-alive-if-you-dont-shut-up evil stare.
Anyway, back to the topic. Not working this week, rehearsal for JBJ has started, and already i missed the first one, coz of stupid flu.. I know i dont get migraine for fun. That means no pay till show starts, and then I can go back to work at potong pasir.
Then, come the songs I wrote. Haiz.. Somehow, its just not working is it? When you see me, do you see success? I tried my best, but apparently, I'm just dreaming right? My songs will never make it. I know my ideas will work, I guess.. It will not work for me.. Well, someday soon, I will wake up, I promise. I'm just not cut up to be a singer.
My name is Cynthia Sim.
I dont like talking on phones. I grow attach to things and people easily.
I normally fall in love with people that i worked with.
I fall in love with people who tends to look ah lian.
I love my mum, still trying to love my dad
I like my family.
I quit smoking and drinking for two and half month.
I like to sing, I write songs.
I'm learning to mix my own songs.
I like the philosophy of Buddhism, and I believe in God
I dont call myself christian because I dont accept and forgive myself
If I love the person, I will want the person to be happy, even at my own expense and hurt
I love my best friends
I miss my grandma (who past on 15 years liao) and my cousin greatly
I want to act and sing on stage.
I dont like to be SM, i like to be a technical crew.
I want to learn the sound board.
I want my mother to always be happy
I want a big house so that everyone in my family can live together
I have a debt of about 3, 500 to different friends I have to pay every month
I like to spoil my mum, and my nephews and niece
I dont wish to wake up everyday, if I do, I live that day.
I lied to the girl i like.
I became best friend with my rivals.
I think I'm a romantic fool.
I like to imagine I'm a jedi
I can control my dream, to fly and become spiderman.
I must have at least one meat for each meal
I DO like veggies (green), just that I am very choosy, I like brocoli the most
I turn violent if my family or friends are being bullied.
I like to create jokes and laugh at myself
I like people to scold me
I am an attention seeker
I like to sleep late
I have been waking up at 6.45am almost everyday
I still get cravings to drink
I dont like to go lesbian party
I think gays are more fun
I still want to write my book
I like to act in theatre
I love theatre
I dont like to ask about my pay
Money is never my priority
I am trying to quit surfing porn
I try my best to accept my friends for who they are
I dont really know how to advice people accept its some thing regarding work
I am tired.. i shall go to sleep
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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| Woah! And so finally, this show has finally opened, and started. I feel life coming back to me again.
I kinda used a different me handling this show, and i realised, hey, it's more affective in this sense.
I mean, i used to be really mean, and sacarstic, and i do bring down the morale of everyone whenever i do that.
So yaa, im glad my temper changed.
This show is very technical, I'm glad I managed to call every single cue, and I ended up rapping!
How I wished, my life could be as simple as calling cues.
Just in case you're making a wild guess, yup, I'm falling for someone again..And... I finally have time to write songs again!!!
Its kinda for my grandma. Doing this show just made me missed her very much.
Right.. I'm kinda distracted now.. Will blog more!!!!
Come watch the show!!
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