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| hasn't it?
in the last year, my life has changed considerably. last september i left my hometown to go to school. i just completed my first year of school, and left with something that i really didn't expect to leave with. rather, i left with someone. i met a young woman, and have since fallen in love. i'm telling you this, because i've discovered that my struggle for purity has changed considerably in the last 5 months since we met. with this change has come quite a bit of new understanding concerning myself, and my shortcomings.
in the last 5 months we have remained largely pure. save for one time, the first time we were really alone for any amount of time, when we stopped thinking and started doing. no we didn't have sex. but we came close before realizing what we were doing, and stopped.
the funny thing about all of this is that i have had no desire to look at pornography. not since a few weeks before this happened at that. i'm taking it as a sort of blessing in disguise. though i don't mean to say that what we did was ok, nor that we should have a repeat performance. instead, what we've done, is we begun reading the Bible together, and praying together. something that we hadn't been doing before. we've begun talking to our best friends about our relationship, and told them about what we did, as a means of creating accountability to help keep us from doing something like this, or worse, again. but the most beneficial thing has certainly been our time praying together. in those times the Lord has spoken to us things that we need to change, and areas that we need to modify in our relationship. He has reminded us that we don't belong to each other, and that we need to guard our own hearts, and protect each others. it has been a rich time since we stepped into this new place in our relationship.
but it's funny (or maybe scary is a better word) how easy it still is to put my hand somewhere that seems innocent(the side of her hip while we are cuddling, her stomach, her upper thigh while driving), while it in fact is a trigger for me and probably for her too. it's easy to justify that, 'there's no where else to put my hand' while we're cuddling watching a movie, instead of just moving positions, under the pretense that 'i don't want her to be uncomfortable'. i guess what i'm saying is that, though i know this to be true, i have yet to admit to myself that i need to run much further away from those triggers that 'turn me on'. because in all honesty, i really do 'like' being turned on. it feels really good... just like what we did those weeks ago. but that doesn't make it right. the Bible says that we need to run from the very appearance of evil. i don't think that applies only to those looking in on us, but even into our own hearts. if our demeanor is moving into something that LOOKS like it could be, or become 'evil', we should run from it.
so i ask myself, 'why don't i?'
it's a question that i can't fully answer right now. i know the truth, i know what i should do, i know what's right and wrong, yet i don't do what i know i should. instead, i do what i know to be evil, wrong, and disrespectful of this woman that i say i love. but i respond to myself, if i love her, i will wait. even if i have to wait 25 years. yet, being so heavily charged sexually, i seem to have no other drive that outweighs this one. it's stronger now than it ever was in the past when i was dealing only with porn, and i don't even know how to combat it. because i'm not alone in this anymore... she is in it with me, and she admits that it is difficult for her too. i'm not so sure i want to know that anymore, because that's just another thing that i can play off of, to seduce her if i wanted to.
i apologize for rambling the way that i have here. i wish to convey to you my successes, in that i have looked at porn less and less has time has passed, but it has, in the last year, ebbed and flowed the same as it always has. i have had my times of success, and i have had my times of failure, and worst of all, i have had my times of not caring. but through it all, i have learned, i have recovered, and i am today standing on His Word and Promises yet again. there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and i believe and trust God that, what one man can do, another man can do, and moreso, that what God can do in one man, He can do in another.
until next time, i pray blessings on us all who struggle for purity, and peace and patience for those who suffer through our failures, so long as we always fight.
Free
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| again, it's been a while since i posted. not because of failure, or because i've walked away from the Lord... just because i don't post much on any of my blogs anymore. so! that being said. i'm still here, i'm still chasing purity, and everyday, i get closer. in the last 10 months i have looked at porn/masturbated 5 times. those first 6 months i remained pure physically. more and more the battle is in my mind and not in what i do. i was talking with my accountability partner this morning(something that we do every day now), and i told him how last night i was being tempted and i tried to find something to look at. i have put up blocks and barriers in everything that i own that has a web connection, and gotten rid of anything that i can't block, and last night those barriers kept me from putting those images in front of me. in the past this has been enough. but my accountability partner told me something that i already knew, but sort of still don't want to admit. trying is as bad as doing. it is an issue of my heart. i'm very bad at changing my heart. i have a tool that will change it. i have a method that will correct it. but i don't use it. my key is the one thing that i don't want to use in this fight, and i don't understand why. i know without doubt that this is the key. and it's not just the key for me, it's the key for every man out there that wants freedom from lust. i'm going to tell you here in just a minute, but your probably going to just sigh, and say, 'that's what they all tell me.' because it is. i've taken it to heart and am trying to implement this into my life, and slowly, i think i'm gaining ground. nothing is fast. nothing is overnight. patience is highly important in this battle. "so what's the key Free??" i'll tell you. the Word of God. that's it. put it in you. get it in you. shove it in you. force it in you. whatever it takes. get a plan that will get you through the Bible in a year. get a few guys that you text the verses for the day to and read it. put the Word in you, and see your life transformed. be free! your free to be pure! your no longer required by the regulations of this world to be a lustful twit that walks around like an idiot checking out girls all day. what one man can do, another man can do. Free | | |
| this cat is still alive. and kicking at that. i've recently gone all out and abandoned many things that i was totally unwilling to give up only two months ago. in the last six months, i have moved out of my parents house, since being blessed with at GREAT job, and i've found that the battle is much more intense in my own home. for a while i had internet, and cable in my house. i didn't care that it was causing me to struggle, i didn't want to give it up.
but i have to admit a defining moment. it was at my bestfriends wedding. i was the best man, and all along while i was up at the front watching the ceremony, i kept thinking to myself, 'this may not be that far off for me.' i used to joke that i wouldn't get married till it would be cheap to get married on the moon. but now i realize that it's probably going to be sooner than that. i just have to WAIT FOR GOD's timing. so i all this, i realized that i need to deal with this addiction today. over the last six months i have had my down points, but not so nearly far down as years past. and i've had my high points, abundantly higher than years past. until sunday it had been over a month since i looked at porn, and nearly as long since i masturbated. God has made a change in my heart that wasn't there before. i got rid of my internet in my house. i have my tv unplugged, and i'm in counseling with a man of God that has been where i am. in fact i'm typing this waiting to go and meet with him.
my point for posting this is to say that even getting rid of your tyical avenues of sin, wont rid you of the temptation. the key to victory is to GUARD YOUR MIND. this week, i have given up that guard for something that seems more satisfying, when in reality, i've had to confess to my accountability partner, and my boss what i did at work, and now i have to confess still another(i messed up last night with a movie... rule of thumb... don't watch corny b-class thrillers) to my accountability partner, my counselor today, and my pastor what i've done this week. the stakes are higher, and will only continue to grow, until what i do risks everything i have. it's the grace of God that i still have my job. what i did at work was putting my job at stake, and i knew it the whole time. i hadn't guarded my mind, and i gave into the lies that were planted there.
GUARD YOUR MIND! the Word says, "turn my eyes from worthless things; preserve my life according to Your Word!"
i realized how much easier it was to avoid temptation, and to resist the devil before i gave in. when i gave in and sinned, i gave him liscense to come into my life, and to affect what i do. i gave him ground. i also realized how much harder it is to get him off of that ground once it's given to him, than it is to keep him off of it. he will fight tooth and nail, to keep what he has.
pray for me, as i pray for you, that we will win this. more is at stake than we know.
Free
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| i find all too often that when i mess up, when i masturbate, or look at porn, that i continue for the rest of the day, saying, 'well my day is shot anyway.' i say this on the premise that every day is a new day. as if i had to wait till tommorrow to get a new fresh start. that just plays into how i feel at the moment. i woke up this morning, late, and didn't make it to church, because i woke up feeling poor, and didn't want to make the effort to go. it was about how i felt at the time. and in turn, i looked at pornography. i played into my emotions today, and i fell into them too. but on my way home tonight, i realized that i didn't have to wait until tommorrow. i can start new now. Jesus doesn't care about the sun going up or coming down. He'll fix me now. now is a new day. as long as it is called today, then it is a new day, every moment of it.
don't let your mistakes keep you down. get up. clean up. and go. He still loves you, He still desires you, and He still longs for you. your dirt doesn't matter. blindside has a song on their album 'silence' that has a line that goes, 'the thing i hate most about me, is the thing you want to make your trademark.' overcoming this can be Gods trademark in me.
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| Many times we will take purity and set it up in it's own little world, and seperate it from the rest of our lives, as if purity is something deliberately designed to be harder to gain than anything else. But it's not. It's a part of Christian living. Time and time again, we are commanded to be pure. Through out the OT, God continually demanded purity from His people. Why? Why does God want us to be holy, to be sanctified as the NIV puts it in 1 Thess 4:2-4? It's because God Himself is holy, in His very essence, He is holy. There is absolutly nothing in Him that desires sin. In His holiness, He wont have an intimate relationship with someone that isn't holy. But His heart is to have close friendship with us anyway. His heart is to know us intimatly, and for us to know Him the same way. It's like friends that can complete each others sentances. God wants us to know Him so well, that we can complete HIS sentances! And yea, it's possible! When Jesus came, and died for us, He opened up a door that hadn't been open since Adam and Eve. He gave us the Way to God, from here, and now. And moreso, it's a personal door. It's a personal access to the King. Without being pure, we cannot walk through that door. If we are living in blatent sin, and continually practicing the lifestyle of impurity, then we can't be close to God. We can't know Him the way He wants us to, and the way our hearts cry out to know Him. Purity is a part of the Christian life. It's not an extra, or a bonus for when you get to Heaven, it's a part of the here and now.
If your struggling in your walk, take a a look at your life, morally. Are you walking in purity, or are you continually going back to the things that are morally reprehensable? Seek purity, and you will open doors in your heart to God, that you never knew existed!
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