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| The Mind-Numbing End
This is the end. My final post. I’d like to be able to
say that this has been fun, but it’s actually been mind-numbingly useless. The marketers behind the blog asked that I
encourage everyone to go see the film this weekend – they said “it will lift
everyone’s spirits.”
It doesn’t do anything for me, but maybe you’ll enjoy it.
Don’t worry about me though, nobody ever does.
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| Things That Do Nothing For Me
Here’s a list of things that do absolutely nothing for me:
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Bikini-clad women
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Chocolate
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Puppies
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Sunsets
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Digital wrist watches
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Reality TV
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Sunrises
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Red States
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Poetry
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MP3 Players
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Jessica Simpson
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Flowers
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Short stories
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Sports
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Long Stories
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Nick Lachey
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Tea
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Exercise
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Combination appliances
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Fish & Chips
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Dancing
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Remote controls
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Politics
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Comedians
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Blue states
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Digital video recorders
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Ashlee Simpson
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| Ailments
I have a terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. I’ve
asked for them to be replaced but no one listens. I mean pardon
me for breathing, which is something I never do anyway, so I don’t know
why I even bother to write it. Oh god, I’m so depressed. | | |
| Computation
Humans are an interesting species – well, they would be if anything
interested me at all. I was bored today, so I calculated the
probability of a male successfully picking up a female at a nightclub
based on the following criteria:
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height
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weight
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symmetry of facial features
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jawbone structure
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net worth
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knowledge of poetry
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vehicular transport
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choice of aftershave
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personality
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level of generosity with respect to aforementioned net worth
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shoes
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testosterone concentration
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hair color, hair style
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estrogen concentration
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education
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size of knee caps
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confidence level
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hygiene
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eye color
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and finally the propensity for either boxers or briefs.
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I came up with a mathematical equation that if followed will increase a
male’s probability of success with a random female by 238%. The
equation is 57 pages long, and the most important factor in all of the
criteria was knee cap size.
After that, I had nothing to do for the remaining 86,395 seconds left in the day.
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| Life
Life – loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.
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