Try to make it pounce!!!

Picking your teeth

            Sigh... Looking for a job is not easy… Been sitting around doing nothing for the past week and I’m feeling totally ‘useful’… Bumming is not exactly very fun if you have no money to bum around with… I think I know why they call it bumming, cos you’re practically sitting on your bum the whole day and guess which part of your anatomy starts to expand? Your WAISTLINE!!! Hahaha… Those that were thinking, ‘your bum… duh!’, that was a trick question!!!

            Anyways, I was just bumming around and I came up with something ingenious! Picture this, you’re in this really fancy restaurant with fantastic ambience, great service and the food is absolutely delightful, then you feel this sudden urge to go to the toilet. You excuse yourself and rush towards the toilet and LO AND BEHOLD!!!! The toilet is in the shittiest condition (in every sense of the word, and I hope to spare you guys of the more graphic details, but for those who want the really graphic details, feel free to e-mail me) that you’ve ever seen… You take a deep breath, rush in, finish up your business and rush out, swearing you’ll never ever want to enter that bathroom ever again.

            Back at the table, you’re enjoying your  meal and suddenly you have this incredible urge to pick your nose… Ever had one of those crazy nose itches whereby you really really need to pick at it or you feel that you might just explode or rip your own head off just to get rid of the itch… That’s the kind of itch I’m talking about…

            So now you can’t or are reluctant to go back to the toilet to do it cos you might explode or rip your own head off before you even reach the toilet, or you’re afraid to break the oath you’ve made earlier… What do you do? Here’s where my genius comes in!!

            Ask the waiter to bring you a toothpick as soon as possible, say you buay tahan the thing stuck in your teeth and it’s driving you crazy…. Once you receive the toothpick, immediately start to pick at your teeth and using the other hand, cover what you’re doing… Since this is the proper etiquette for picking your teeth in public, what has this got to do with picking your nose? Well, now instead of concentrating on picking at your teeth, use the third or fourth finger of your hand holding the toothpick and start picking the itch in the nose!! Voila! Everyone will just think that must be some huge piece of thingy stuck in your teeth…

            After you’ve satisfied yourself, please do not forget to smile and suck at your teeth a little or just make some mouth movement to at least pretend that you were really picking your teeth. With this method, you can virtually pick your nose, anytime and anywhere without seeming like a rude person, and you can even use it when walking down Orchard Road!

PS. A little training is required before attempting this method in public… U gotta start learning how to pick your nose with your 3^rd or 4^th finger because these 2 fingers aren’t usually meant for nose-picking

PPS. If you’re a lousy actor, I’d suggest for you not to try this method cos most probably those at your table would have seen through your act and think you’re a very gross person.

Another ingenious idea, proudly brought to you by,

Isaac

Interesting note:

A friend finally enlightened me on this age-old conflict: Who enjoys more during sex? The male or the female?

His analogy was: When you dig ur ear, which one feels better? Your finger or your ear?

*Urp…*

            Sigh… Ever had this bitter-sweet feeling in you before? School has finally come to an end for me, I’m happy cos no more lectures, tutorials, term papers and exams. However I shall miss the freedom, fun and MOST IMPORTANTLY, the friends I’ve made, especially those made while I was in Arts Club… Honestly I think my life began when I happen to join Arts Camp 2003, which subsequently led me to join the Management Committee. The journey has been a huge roller-coaster of emotions from joy to anger to sadness… I’ll miss all of you!

            Ok, enough of the mushy stuff…

            From the title you should have guessed that this entry should have something to do with Burps… If you didn’t guess it, I think you might be intellectually challenged, so please check with your nearest practitioner to confirm my diagnosis… BUT, wahahhahaha!!! This entry is about farts!! I decided to change the title in the course of writing this blog cos I was just bored and wanted to make this entry more interesting for all my faithful readers…

            What sparked this entry was this incident that happened during one of the nights in O-week… A few of us gathered outside to decide what song item we wanted to perform to attain the pages of the WU LING MI JI (Sacred Martial Arts Manual),  which would give our group extra points… It was about 5 am when we finally decided to do the Little Mermaid’s Kiss the Girl, and the few of us who were still awake started practicing the song.

            All of a sudden, while we were singing, there appeared in the melody, a tiny *poot*, like a staccato fart in musical terms… Had the ‘note’ blended into the melody, I’d have said nothing, and assumed it was part of the beat, but the ‘note’ was WAY OFF-KEY, probably an octave too high…. What was funny was not the fart but the fact that everyone who were singing, pretended that nothing happened and continued singing with straight faces till I couldn’t help but laugh…

            I believe there are tricks to farting… I mean farting is part of a bodily process which occurs in everyone’s bodies and I’m sure, ever since the evolution of modern man, man has discovered ways to fart without causing too much embarrassment to oneself…

You could make it totally soundless like what girls usually do… Pretend you’re in a crowded lift and suddenly you smell this horrible odour which can be nothing but a stale fart from somebody’s arse. Who would you pick as the likely person who has farted? Obviously not any of the girls, but more likely that uncle or that fat ugly guy standing in the corner… I think if you were in a lift just with this amazing beauty, you smell a fart which you know you did not release, and that amazing beauty started to stare at you as though you did, I think you’d start doubting yourself and wondering if you had accidentally farted… My point is girls are so excellent in farting without sound that we’ve come to think that girls don’t actually fart but YES THEY DO!!!

            Another way is to just grandly announce its arrival and let it all out, the noisier the better! Guys tend to use this method cos I dun think you’ll feel too embarrassed after you’ve done it, and you can gladly relief yourself of all the pent up discomfort. (maybe girls are always very edgy cos they have a huge load of fart they’ve stored up for their entire lives, unless of course they are skilled practitioners of the silent method) The only thing embarrassing about this method is if your fart comes out silent or if there’s a FOLLOW-THROUGH!!! According to a famous Chinese saying, ‘Smelly Farts No Noise, Noisy Farts No Smell’… So if after declaring your fart is coming n no one hears anything, they know they’re in for a real treat… And if there’s a Follow-through… good god, you’re in for a treat…

            Love,

            Isaac

Of Photos and Pimples

Hello one and all…

            Yes I know I haven’t been blogging much. To my ardent fans, I’m really sorry for not giving you some laughing fodder. To my critics, well, u had your peace, but it’s over now cos now I’m back!

            Recently many things have been happening, events after events and when there are events, well, you’d expect people with digital cameras around snapping away. Sigh… Where are the good old days where the people usually anxiously snapping away on their cameras were the Japanese tourists. Now everyone’s a Japanese tourist. Guess it must be the age of digital photos whereby u can continue taking photos and as long as your memory stick in you camera can allow.

Amazing isn’t it? Some tiny little card like that can store so much stuff and as the years go on, the size of the card remains but the memory size increases. It still baffles me how such a small thing like that has so much memory and certain people’s brains, which is like many times bigger, can hardly remember stuff that was just said to them! (Not gonna name names…. Nope, don’t ask me who… Okok fine… It’s me… I wanted to say something funny but forgot wad, crap… )

But despite this improvement in technology, I think man’s intelligence has remained stagnant. How else can you explain this phenomenon:

You’re posing for a photo with a huge group of friends. Each has a camera and all of you waylay this poor unfortunate guy to help you all take A photo. Then each of you proceed to dump your camera on the confused guy who then asked ‘I thought only take A photo?’, and all of you reply him ‘YEA, A PHOTO FOR EACH CAMERA!’ Details, details….So then you all proceed to pose and the poor guy then has to take a photo for each camera. The stupidity of man shows in this process whereby, for each photo, the POSE REMAINS and the guy is practically snapping the same picture over and over again. I mean HELLO!!!! Digital age ya know… Just take one photo and send the freaking photo to each of your friends!! If you don’t have the contacts of the people you’re taking photos with, then he/she’s not worth taking the photo with… Soon you realize your face and legs are cramping up from faking a smile and posing, and you start to realize the person you’re posing beside doesn’t smell exactly like a bouquet of flowers and suddenly you don’t want to be his/her friend anymore cos he/she stinks…

Oh well... You get the idea.

Anyways, on the topic of photography, I was captured in one photo with me having this huge pimple on my face and goodness I think it must be the lighting but it looked humongous!!! Can even see the yellow tip, all ripe and ready to pop... Call me weird but I think it is quite fun to pop pimples, as long as they do not grow like a billion all at once, but one or two occasionally is quite entertaining. You can watch it grow from a tiny red swell to a full-sized pimple complete with the yellow tip all ready for u to pop. Yes, I get shudders every time I squeeze one and the yellow stuff that comes out hits the mirror! *shudders at thought*

Those that I really hate are what the Shiseido lady calls, ACNE! (yes, people, the same Shiseido lady who tells the same jokes and the same story time after time, year after year…) Those are really irritating (the acne, not the stories but the stories do become boring after you've heard it once... )because it grows under your skin and you can’t pop them. You’ll have this irritating swell with a yellowish tinge under your facial skin and you can do nuts about it!! Absolutely irritating!!! At least with pimples, you can have the fun of popping them but for acne, you gotta wait for it to disappear like in a year or so and during that time, you’re virtually hideously deformed to a point such that many have avoided even going out of the house, and you know who you are!

Alright… enough of my senseless ramblings…

Love,

Isaac