Fool

I am not one to go reading the Bible in search of answers. But, a desperate soul will do desperate things to find answers to the questions festering inside of them.

Hebrews 11:1

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

I am not a strong believer. Too many bad things happening to good people help to make me a religiously weak individual. I try to believe. I want to believe. But, there is not much to believe in these days. My faith attacked from every angle every single day by things out of my control... Why should I believe?

It is hard to imagine no higher power. It is hard to believe in a higher power. I am stuck at a crossroads. To believe or not to believe. What happened to me? What happened to my faith? What happened to the girl who was optimistic? The girl who had faith in the goodness of humanity? The girl who had hope? The girl who dreamed of making a difference in this world? What happened to me?

I sit here, swallowing back tears, trying to forget the past. I look at the world with hate now. And, it scares me. It scares me to think that I have lost every bit of myself and that I am nothing but a broken soul.

Will  I ever find myself?

Seventeen Days

I will have one year of college under my belt in seventeen days—nine days studying, five days attending lecture, and three days testing.  My English Essay is coming along rather nicely now that I have a well formulated thesis. I feel like my writing is substandard at the moment. I hope I am able to revise and edit my paper to a higher quality before Wednesday. I am not looking forward to my oral presentation on the 29^th. I have two tests—Math and Chemistry—this week. I need to divide my time wisely the next three days to accommodate all the things that I have to study and complete by Thursday. I have found that I am not so great at managing my time wisely. I am going to get back to writing now. Wish me luck!
        

Western Civilization

I love reading and studying about Western Civilization; however, I do not enjoy being made to read about Western Civilization. I have read enough papers—printed back and front—to almost fill a two inch binder. That does not include my Western Civilization Book reading or On the Donation of Constantine by Lorenzo Valla. I would love my class so much more if it were more fact based study and if we were given multiple choice tests. Our midterm was insane because of the plethora of knowledge about multiple readings we had to know. Wait, not only did we have to know them and be familiar with their author, historical significance, and the date they were written, we had to be able to recognize passages from the readings and write a well developed paragraph about it and its connection to a specific topic given to us. I thoroughly hate having to do that because I have a very hard time understanding connections between things. Maybe, I am just not that smart. I do know that I can honestly say I have only missed one lecture in my History class this semester and I have completed every homework assignment given to me. I at least put effort into going to class and doing the work, unlike the majority of students. So, anyway, today will be spent revising my first history paper (of which I got a B on) and adding new information to meet a 1500-2100 word requirement. In my essay I have to answer the following question: What is the appropriate relationship between the Christian Church and Roman imperial power according to the authors of “The Life of Constantine”, the “Donation of Constantine”, and Valla’s “On the Donation of Constantine”? Glorious.

I guess I should be happy, though. I took my final “exit exam” in Computer Science yesterday. My final grade was a 102.8. I was pretty stoked because, heck, at least I know I’ll have one good grade this semester. Not saying that my other grades will not be good, just saying I know they’re not going to be as good as a 102. I should have an A in English at the end of the semester, the only way that I would not is if I totally bomb my last essay—hopefully this will not happen. Chemistry, possibly a B. Math, an A. Western Civilization, hopefully a B. I hate that I work so hard and manage to not score better than a B. That just discourages me and makes me not want to study, but I know if I do not study I’ll only make worse.

I have sausage balls cooking in the oven. I cannot wait for them to be ready to eat. I haven’t eaten anything today.

Wednesday

I need more sleep. I think I will really enjoy not having an 8 o'clock class next semester. I'm always going to feel like I am running late because I'm so adjusted to having one three days a week. Hopefully, I will learn how to manage my time more wisely next semester. Seems like I wait until the last minute to do everything these days. It is very stressful. I also need to pick up better study habits. It really bothers me how school becomes a controlling factor in my life. I clearly understand its importance in my life; however, I just wish the information could be transmitted into my brain without me having to read and study every day of my life. I have no free time to do any leisure reading because it is all spent reading sources for History or experts out of my Chemistry, English, and History books. Even when I make free time I find I am thinking about school work. I could really use a day or two just to spend time with Wade. It is depressing that this week is his Spring Break and I cannot spend much, if any, time with him because I have to work on so much school work. I am excited about the fact I only have seven days left of lectures then the infamous week of finals. I might study for my finals with Gilmore Girls in the background as I did last semester. I should find a new background noise that is easy to drown out. I am eager to be out of school because I will have the rest of May to do as I please before starting my summer job as a babysitter. It saddens me that my paycheck each week will go towards paying rent. I really wish my parents would help me out when it comes to paying rent; however, they are dead set on if they have to help pay, it would just be better for me to move back in with them. I really do not understand how one thing has to do with another because of the reasons why I moved out in the first place have not been corrected. I refuse to move back into that horrid situation. I do not think that is me being cruel in any form or fashion because they should have never forced me to live in that kind of situation. Anyway, I am hoping that I will have two babysitting jobs this summer. The one definite job I have is working for the Kirsch’s three days a week. That leaves me two weekdays and the weekend to work another babysitting job. If everything works as I plan, I will have enough to pay rent for an entire year with fifty dollars left over for spending… or saving. I need to go in search of a better job before summer is over. It would be nice to have steady income—even if it is not very much—to help pay for my wants instead of having to ask my parents for money. Richard is draining my parents of what little money they have pretty fast. I really wish he would get his act together. It seems as though he just does not care about anything anymore.

Well, I have to return to my Chemistry homework and Computer Science quiz.

Good Day!

Three Weeks Left

Normally, English is my passion; however, today it is the source of unwanted stress in my life. I thoroughly hate my final English essay for two distinct reasons:

It is an opinionated topic based on race and ethnicity

It is hard to find information and statistics to back up opinions on a controversial topic

So, what exactly did I decide to write about? For some reason, I thought it would be a wonderful and simple idea to write about race relations in American education. So far, I have one page. I am not sure where the other four to seven pages will come from, but I am hoping I will be able to find enough information to concoct some type of coherent essay.

Now, I must get back to writing. Joy. Oh, and tomorrow and Thursday will be spent writing my History essay discussing the relation between imperial power and papal power according to the On the Donation of Constantine, Eusebius’s Life of Constantine, and the Donation of Constantine. What a fun-filled week this has been and will be! I cannot wait for my first semester of college to be over so that I may bask in the warmth of the sun and get lost in the pages of a good book.