holidaze

I have about six minutes of break left here at work this morning. 

Not much to say.

Haven't written in here in a long time.

Lots of things have changed.  Things can change awfully quickly.  I'm assuming anyone who reads this probably knows me to some degree and probably by now knows what happened, but if you don't or whatever, here is the short end of the story:  my mother died last month.  it was a very short illness and it happened pretty quickly.  there's not much to say about it. 

It doesn't actually feel like what you might expect it to feel like.  It's strange.  It's not exactly sadness all the time.  It's a million different things that happen.  You go from being happy one second to being really upset the next and then back to happy.  There's really nothing that sets you off, it just sort of happens unpredictably.  Most of the time I just feel numb.

I guess everyone deals with grief in their own way.  Nobody grieves in the exact same way as someone else.  Which makes the lonliness even worse because nobody can truly understand what's going on with you, even people who are in your family, grieving themselves.  It's just really strange. 

I've noticed I tend to only write in these online things lately when I'm feeling really really low.  But. that's just how it goes.  I thought about deleting everything.  I tend to do that.  This journal has lasted a long time though.  Through many meltdowns.  I don't know.  Virtual Jills might begin disappearing.  We'll have to see.  For now, this will stay up I guess.  Just probably not be updated much...which is actually pretty usual for this journal nowadays.

She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.

Why hello, xanga. 

I'm in Fort Worth.  Heading back to Whacko tomorrow to finish up that chapter of my life.  Cleaning out the apartment, moving things back and such.  I'm a strong believer that things happen for a reason.  I wasn't going to do this until a bit later in the month, but my mom's hip problems are back and she's up for surgery next week.  So, here I am, rushing down to get this thing finally over with. 

We're watching the All Star Game.  Pujols is the Cardinals representative on the team.  Well, only player.  Much of the coaching staff is there, as La Russa is manager for the National team this year.  I feel kind of sad as I truly believe Yadier Molina should be the National League catcher.  It seems wrong for him to not be out there.  I think people just didn't vote for him after he got hurt.  Not sure he'd be able to play.  He's by far my favorite Cardinal. 

Let's see...what else.  I really really really want to get a real job soon.  I have to wait til after summer b/c I've got a responsibility to stay with my job now til summer's over.  But I'm anxious to move somewhere and get my own place and stuff.  I need independence.  And I want a cat...heh.  This is not an incredibly smart idea because really, there's very little stability at this twenty-something stage of life, but I still want to get a kitten.  And my own apartment.  And a job I like.  Hopefully in St. Louis.  I was there all last weekend with the family, hanging out since my mom won't be able to leave the house for about 6 weeks after next week.  It was fun.  Jules and Adam and I hung out at a state park.  Walked the trails, got chased by bugs, scared a deer, you know, the state parky things you do. 

Good times, good times.  I'm still going strong on that photo project.  Like, almost a month.  That's really good for me.  Usually my attention span is long gone by now when it comes to projects like this.  But it's pretty good.  There are days when you don't want to take anything and just end up sort of wimping out and taking a picture of the cat or whatever, but it's cool anyway.  Because some days are great for it. 

Maybe the National League will actually win this.  Reyes has already scored.  Go NL. 

Ahooogah. Ahooogah.

I made it to xanga again!  Long time, no blog. 

Mainly, I wanted to add a little fun link to a project a friend of mine got me interested in.  It's a project where you take a photo every day for a year and upload it to share with others...or just yourself I guess if that's what floats your boat.  But I'm prepared to share.  You could think of it as sort of a visual journal.  At first I was really skeptical, thinking that there's no way I'll be able to hack it for a year...and I still am not sure I will, but I've done it for a week now...so that's a start.  Here's the link to my pictures so far:  www.flickr.com/photos/stairspirit 

Let's see...since last I updated...I can't remember exactly when that was and I don't trust this connection to make it back here if I leave to figure it out.  I'm working at the archives again.  Microfilm room.  Doing a lot of stuff.  It's pretty cool.  I find that I like that sort of thing.  I like seeing people's lives mapped out in different documents.  It's interesting. 

It's weird living at home again.  I find that I really really really miss having my own apartment.  I just need space.  I miss having time by myself.  All I have really, are my lunch break and my two fifteen minute breaks during the weekdays that I can just veg out alone.  I love my family and I love being back here near them, but...I don't like to feel like I'm back in my teenage years living at home again.  I'm trying to look at it as a really great thing because when I live far away I really miss it here.  So, I'm looking at it like that.  Soak it up.  It'll be gone before you ever realize it.  My mom's got something wrong with her leg again.  That was one thing.  When I lived in Texas it was easy to forget that my parents are getting old.  Now it's right back in my face.  I think that adds some stress and is part of the reason I'm getting my fleeing feeling again.  I've been getting really restless again and wanting to just up and move anywhere all over again.  It's weird because I'm so scattered right now what with being here but still having a majority of my stuff still in texas and then already wanting to move somewhere else.  Blah to indecision.  Blah to this crazy early adulthood thing.  It's exciting and exhausting all at the same time.

Blogthings, anyone? Why, yes. Thank you, internet.

Your Power Bird is a Vulture

You are always changing your life and the lives of those around you. You aren't afraid to move on from what holds you back. Energetic and powerful, you have a nearly unlimited capacity for success. You know how to "go with the flow" and take advantage of what is given to you.

You Are the Ace of Clubs

You go at everything in your life full force. You are a natural gambler. Your life definitely has some extreme highs and lows, but you know how to ride out the low times. A total adventure seeker, you are never satisfied by what's normal or ordinary. You like to push limits and shock people. You're dramatic, but a drama queen. Your life has been a wild ride so far. You have stories that people can barely believe. And you're probably still young... with a lot of wild rides in front of you. A gamble you should take: High stakes roulette Your friends would describe you as: Crazy Your enemies would describe you as: Demented If you lived in Vegas, you would be: A high roller