|
| The future. Probably the most loaded term in the mind of any college senior right about now. So much of life is spent planning and preparing for what happens next that sometimes it's easy to forget that what is happening right now is life too...Paul and I recently said that in a year we'll be "real people," which is amusing because that's how it feels although it's kind of ridiculous of an idea, that 22 years can be spent playing the waiting game and it's nothing real. But it's true that the future is a lingering thing that must be kept in the back of one's mind when making decisions. There's the aspect of self-protection, and that of doing what will set you up for the life and things you want.
But how do we really know what we want? "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans."
The past gets in the way also. We carry around so many battle wounds and expectations based on our prior experiences. "Live and learn" is obviously a great motto, but sometimes our experiences haven't taught us a lesson so much as jaded us and made us too afraid to really live. The trick is finding that happy medium. And I don't know what's the right answer. There's a fine line between recklessness and living.
| | |
| There's a whole nother set of stresses awaiting me back at school, but the hostility I'm dealing with at home is wearing me so thin that I feel like I just need to get out. Constantly surrounded my negative energy, I don't like what I do or who I am here...I feel like I can't break out and do what I want or be nearly as good of a person as I am outside of these walls. I can feel the suffocation of my parents' embarrassment and disappointment about what I'm doing with my time and my lack of any kind of semblance of a plan for the future and (as a stereotypical first born) that stings harder than anything else. 90% of communication lately has been fighting and it's really just been about stupid crap but it always turns into something huge and relating back somehow to some deeper issue and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
And apparently people are moving on with their lives moreso than I previously realized. This thus also pisses me off because somehow apparently I am still not over being messed up in the head by previous experiences enough to do the same. And that foundation that I used to fall back on is cracking...
Something more insightful abut said issues later...aka not at 3am and not when I'm so angry.
There's something I'm starting to rely on but I can't shake the feeling that it won't be around for long.
| | |
| I figured I'd better write something in here; it's been almost a month! I seem to develop these seeds of ideas of things to rant and rave about in my head and then either start writing about them and stop because I think I sound dumb, or just don't get around to it at all for one reason or another. Sooo...
Let's talk about relationships. It's funny how as we get older the rules change and lines blur to the point where it doesn't seem like there are any really rules at all. It's scary that especially after college, after getting out of the bubble of people who are all our age and at similar places in life, it's even more of a free for all. I have friends who are out of school or didn't go to school who are dating/have dated people with kids, who are married...(errr...that's all I'm gonna say about that one for now  ), and/or who are in their freakin' 30's!... It's a little nuts and seems all too grown up/scandalous for me.
And then there's the whole concept of the fling. I was kind of thinking that it would be nice to have some sort of summer fling/casual relationship(after being basically always in something "serious" for almost 4 straight years), but even though a certain male friend of mine proposed that very idea to me this summer (what exactly a fling entails, I don't even know), I hesitated. Upon consideration, I just don't think it's my style..granted, it could be just because I haven't been free to do that since I was 16, but I think it's just because I like being emotionally close to people and don't want to hold myself back. I've definitely had to play that keeping people at a distance game even when it was "serious," and let me tell you, it sucks. So as I've said before I have to be a little careful now in being with someone who has similar values and goals...which is a lot harder than it sounds! All the good Catholic guys I know are taken or discerning the priesthood...
Well I shouldn't say all. That's another story I guess. But it brings me to the next question.
What are the rules of pursuit? Another thing I don't know how to do is start off a relationship with someone without being good friends with them first. Which I guess is nice but it kind of eliminates that whole dating-trying-to-impress-each-other (aka you actually have to try!) phase. (I'm not bitter at all I swear... ) What if you meet someone and are interested, but for whatever reason they're not someone you get to see on a frequent basis...? That kind of leads to the whole traditional "Can I get your number?" type deal, instead of fostering the friendship first (because in that situation it's kind of impossible), but most good Catholic guys are way too overly respectful to do that! So...the girls who want that kind of a guy are left in (literally) no-man's land...except for the off-chance something happens with one of the like 3 guys in the world who happen to be within their circle of friends who aren't going to be priests or are gay or are already dating someone or just overly respectful to a fault (ok, 3 is a high estimate).
I'm slightly frustrated.
| | |
| Figuring out grad school is too much of a headache. I should just move to LA and become an actress.
| | |
| I was going through college newspaper archives for work this morning and stumbled upon this article...although it's fairly old, I still found it amusing. 
Stop looking for oppressionSarah Skilling The Daily Evergreen Published: 01/25/2002
As
I work my way through college, I am amazed by how polite many guys are,
especially when it comes to simple courtesies such as opening doors for
me, and even saying, "Bless you!" when I occasionally sneeze.
However,
it wasn't until I started my comparative American cultures class that I
realized as a woman, I theoretically should be offended by these
seemingly polite gestures.
If I am to believe an essay I
recently read, I am actually being mocked when a man opens a door for
me. This is because historically, women have been seen as servants to
men, and this obvious role reversal is just a chance for them to laugh
in our faces. As if that isn't bad enough, they also are implying that
I cannot even open the door for myself. I am too weak to do it myself,
being that the doors around here are so terribly heavy.
When a
guy opens a door for me, I take it as a sign that his parents taught
him about respect and courtesy, not that his parents had him locked in
a room watching movies that objectify women while subliminal messages
are flashed across the screen that say something like, "Open doors for
the weaker sex."
I never will be able to call myself a
feminist, or at least not a radical one, because I think people
searching for something to be offended about actually are oppressing
themselves. I'm not trying to say feminists are wrong, or trying to be
equal to men is stupid, because in writing this column I am taking
advantage of past work that feminists have done. However, I do believe
when someone says because they are a woman, they are oppressed, they
sound pathetic.
My advice to you, if you feel this way, is to
look beyond your gender and get a personality of your own. Only then
will you be able to look past the generalizations and become an
independent person who doesn't use a group mentality as a crutch for
your unhappiness in life.
Think about it this way: If you walk
around thinking everyone hates you or everything anyone does is in an
effort to hold you down, you've got a bad attitude. You also are
walking down a path to some serious paranoia and I'd suggest some
counseling.
I know I'm not making any friends with this column,
but I am sick of this idea that I am being held down because of my
gender. I realize I probably will have to work harder, but why complain
about it? The only thing I can do as an individual is work hard, do my
best, and take advantage of the opportunities I have been given.
Oops!
I need to go, Tom Leykis is on. | | |
|
