On a sabbatical for awhile…

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past year, and it’s been an amazing journey – a roller coaster ride of soul searching and escaping.

What’s most important is that when I wake up I’m content with who I am.  Sure I have lots to improve on, but it took me awhile to figure out how to love myself despite my flaws.

No regrets, no matter what…

Everyone is placed in your life for a reason.  Maybe I didn’t trek out to LA for the right reasons, but this move has taught me how to live outside of my comfort zone.  And, despite my remarks about the superficial people in LA-LA Land, I have connected with a few people here in ways that I have never imagined.

“It is possible to be standing on one side of a door and perceive the world as a dark and lonely place, while on the other side of that very same door are countless people just waiting to lend support and cheer you on. All that is required is that you turn the knob.”

My daily routine used to consist of making myself miserable, everywhere and anywhere I was (usually alone or on some sob call with a Chi-Town friend).  Without realizing it, I shut everyone out.

When I finally let my guard down, I opened myself up to many opportunities of friendships... and experienced for the first time in awhile that warm, fuzzy feeling when one discovers that maybe someone does understand and care for you.  Now, I cherish the moments alone when I can close my eyes and imagine this rush.

I’m looking forward to the New Year and putting 2004 and HeLL-A madness behind me – a fresh new year of natural highs, dealing with and accepting the “lows”, and strengthening the bonds of friendship and love that surround
me.

******************************

Strange (Tori Amos)

Strange
Thought I knew you well
Thought I had read the sky
Thought I had read a change
in your eyes
so strange
Woke up to a world
that I am not a part
except when I can play
its stranger

After all
what were you really
looking for
and I wonder
when will I learn
Blue isn't red
everybody knows this
and I wonder
when will I learn
when will I learn
guess I was in Deeper than
I thought I was
if I have enough love
for the both of us

"just stay" you say
"we'll build a nest"
so I left my Life
Tried on your friends
Tried on your opinions
So when the Bridges froze
and you did not come home
I put our snowflake under a microscope

After all
what was I really
looking for
and I wonder
when will I learn
Maybe my wish knew better
than I did
and I wonder
when will I learn
when will I learn
guess I was in Deeper than
I thought I was
if I have enough love
for the both of us

so strange
now I'm finally in
the Party has begun
it's not like I can't
feel you still
but strange
what I will leave behind
you call me one more time
but now I must be leaving

veggin' on a sunday afternoon, trying to collect myself after a crazy week. actually, now that i think about it, after several weeks.  today's the first day in a while i've stayed home and just... chilled.

i feel like i did post-phil breakup, drinking and partying with friends almost every night.  hmmmmm, barely surviving on 3 hours of sleep a night is finally starting to take its toll on me.

not that i'm complaining.  i'm starting to have fun out here, for ME and no one else.  OK i admit it, there's *some* OK things to do out here.  but - it's always such a production driving around everywhere and having to watch how much you drink.  i miss those random drunken nights in chi-town when cab drivers picked me up off the sidewalk a few blocks away from the bar and told me i needed to go home.  another chi-friend told me he's going to be spinning at liar's club the first thursday of every month.  (yep, that's a plug just for you, atomtyr .) i'm missing out.

and i do miss my friends, though everyone's getting OLDER.  one of my best pals came to visit this weekend for our friend julie's wedding.  i'm barely 26 & the weddings are finally starting for me: this week 2 of my best friends informed me of their upcoming engagements, and i am probably going to be in both weddings, 1 as the maid of honor.  i also have a wedding to attend in jacksonville, florida at the end of this month. 

phew. at this point, i'll end up a spinster with her 10 cats, reading books at home on a saturday night, smoking cigarettes & drinking whiskey.

not that i'm complaining.  i'd rather be alone (with my cats) and happy than divorced and fighting over who takes the kids which weekend.

Ok, so i'm a bit cracked right now writing this and probably don't mean all of it, but hey, it's a lazy sunday afternoon and i'm feeling relaxed for the first time in a looong while.

Currently Playing Things to Make & Do By Moloko see related

From kajama.com:

"We must acknowledge that there can be no hope of gratifying the senses permanently. At best, the happiness we derive from eating a good meal can only last until the next time we are hungry."
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama

As we struggle through the last days of winter, it can be especially hard to resist negative habits. While we try to hang in there until spring, many of us reach for unhealthy "comfort food" or choose other ways to numb ourselves from cabin fever. We then end up feeling worse and worse, because that "comfort" is so quickly replaced by regret. If you're feeling down these days, root out habits that are driven by immediate gratification and replace them with choices that will lead you to lasting happiness. It will get you out of a discouraging rut, boost your personal power in the present and raise your hopes for the future.

"Never shall I forget the days which I spent with you...
Continue to be my friend
as you will always find me yours."
-Ludwig Van Beethoven

"But if you love... let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook
That sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
And give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour
and meditate love's ectasy,
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep
with a prayer for the beloved in your heart
and a song of praise upon your lips."
-Kahlil Gibran

Currently Playing If You're Not the One By Daniel Bedingfield see related