| “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good is a timely word!”- Proverbs 15:23
This society needs more men. I'm gonna be a man.
More specifically, I'm gonna be a man of God.
Humble, Wise, Diligent, Faithful, Forgiving, and Loving.
It's so easy to say... now it's time to act on it.
God, please give me strength.
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| It's 1:34am.
My car lets in rain.
There was a puddle underneath my trunk, where my spare is.
Everything is rusted.
I think it's been that way for a few weeks? Months?
I'm driving to SoCal in... 3 hours?
Hungry.
Tired.
Stressed.
Holy crap... this weekend was supposed to go smoothly...
Not a good start.
This is what happens when I try and go do things on my own again...
Humility is such a hard concept to grasp.
Once I think I got it figured out, I'm prideful in being humble.
I need to just be me.
I used to know how to be humble...
how to be quiet...
how to be led...
how to be nothing...
but now I think I'm so cool with all this random crap in my head.
God break me.
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| I want T.I. to come over and yell "Motivation" in my face.
I've been listening to a lot of Common Sense lately... good stuff.
It's hard to do things when you don't have to do anything at all. Makin money is one thing, but when work is done... what then?
I'm gonna make some bomb food. :) that sounds good.
Some bomb-diggity food.
Yeah... mwahahaha... now to decide what to make. Hahahaha.
Why am I writing in my xanga? Aigoo...
A random picture that i took in Oman. Her name is Manal and she's showing the girls on my team pictures of her family on her mobile. I want her to be saved. I've never seen someone resemble the word "sweetheart" as much as her. I wanna see her in heaven. Pray for her.
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| This is my rant:
To my audience of few, I have so many things to say of such little importance in relation to life and all its triviality. However, I blubber on.
The reason I am writing on Xanga is because the girl that I am currently putting all my hopes and dreams on is currently buckling under all of the pressure that I unintentionally put her under. Little to late did I realize that I was squashing her with every word that came out of my mouth.
What do I do to remedy the situation you ask?
I talk some more.
I squish her some more.
I squash her until she isn't herself anymore and has no idea what to do.
Society says to talk things out. If I were to give a metaphor to how much I "talk things out", I would have to say that if "talking things out" were like PeptoBismol, in a sense that it is intended to cure a whole array of conditions, I have been forcing her to drink unreasonable amounts of Pepto, while giving her a bath of Pepto, while throwing Pepto-chewable pills at her eyes, while singing the lovely Pepto-jingle [upset stomach, diahrrea...], inside of a pink PeptoBismol-shaped abode.
Get the picture? If the picture isn't entirely pink, just add more pink.
BY TRYING TO HELP HER, I HURT HER; WHICH IN TURN KILLS ME. I WANT BOTH OF US TO GROW TOGETHER IN HIM AND FOR HIM WITH EACH OTHER. NOT TO HURT EACH OTHER.
If you can't tell, I'm in a very sarcastic mood. Making her feel this way is physically paining. I can literally feel my inards wanting to be my outards. I want to comfort her, but since she lives 7 hours away, all I can do is talk. More Pepto coming right up!
Maybe if I dwell on her imperfections I can let this whole thing blow over? It's too bad that her imperfections is what makes her perfect in my eyes. So, perhaps I should hone in on her perfections then. Do a little bit of the ole' reverse psychology on myself. Brilliant. DUMB. Hahahaha...
I want to give up. I want to quit. I don't want anymore of this complication. I don't do well with complicated situations. I love simplifying everything. This is something that I cannot find a simple solution to. Maybe we were just destined to be good friends. LAME.
Destined? Destiny is in my hands! So, I want her in my hands! I want her with me! Me! Mine! I! Myself! Me! ME! MEEE!!!! Annnnnnnd, now I'm crazy/stupid/needy/pathetic/laughable/insecure/narcissistic.
I want her to be happy.
BUT.
I want to be the one to make her happy.
So selfish. I've never been THIS selfish about A PERSON in my ENTIRE life.
I've been listening to more worship music than I ever have before in hopes that maybe I can focus all my energy on Him, but it just so happens that when I pray or meditate, HER FACE is in MY HEAD. HAHA...haha...
One of my favorite rhymes is: Insane in the membrane. I am said quote. In abbreviated terms: IITM. This girl has made me insane. I have no idea what to do anymore. Maybe DO is the key word. I don't know what to DON'T anymore!
I really hope that not many people check on these new posts. hahahhaaha...
Is it sad that I feel like I am spilling my guts out to someone, when in reality I am typing a blog?...
And appropriately:
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| Everyone needs a balance of uncertainty and certainty in life.
The certainty is the daily schedule: what's planned, scheduled, preempted...
The uncertainty is the daily "whatever"s: surprises (good and bad), coincidences, spontaneity...
I have no clue what the hell is happening or what's going to happen every single day...
I need to schedule out something, anything...
I need to find a balance.
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