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my heart has tentacles
and claws
it's trying to grab on to something
and suck it out dry.
i didnt write anything to commemorate 2009 i have nothing new to say for 2010, i wonder did i even leave anything behind and move on...
on the way back from the 7 hour ride from chicago
i saw windmills
and an everlasting sky that looked like it was at the end of the world
but i know it isn't, because if it was, i'd only walk a few steps to find you.
the sky at sunset, in a cloudless sky was an inverted rainbow. red at the ground that spread out orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and the last violet that extended endlessly.
it was so beautiful that it hurt,
it hurts because well, my camera broke [because i dropped in on the floor it was too cold so i didnt want to take off my mittens even though i had gloves underneath it] and that just sucks not being able to capture it for remembrance sake.
but most of all, there was noone there to see it. noone sharing this moment with me. i know i've always felt that life is all yours alone, your own memories, your own path, but
it's hard not to think of the past sometimes, i keep wondering was i always like this or was it only recently, that i felt that im this single entity? i sometimes still think about people hanging out at my living room with watching mtv and eating instant noodles and the apathy of my dog but theres just no fucking point, a pit in my stomach lurches because its not like theres anything i can do. thats gone.
transatlanticism was playing.
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
oh no.
I need you so much closer
and then i realize im just a little sad, and its just my over sensitivity. i felt like crying for the person in the song, felt like crying for my father, for my friends, for my lost new year, for 2009. what was 2009 anyway? it felt like it was the split of past and present, that there were so many significant moments but all i can remember is the slow passing of days, like there was no future. and it was like that even here, just a low humming through time.
i thought that the whole reason we need to keep moving forward be filled with jobs and work and study and goals is so we dont ever have to stop and seep it in
think about everything as silhouettes of tree stay still.
i thought about the guy who saw the sidewalk get swallowed up by water and that all the memories he made walking to and fro from his door to her door felt like they were engulfed along with the pavement, how it seemed like he'd never reach her or that maybe he never reached her.
i thought no matter how much my parents love me, how much my dad was good and kind to me, i'd still leave. that i dont know when i'll ever be this constant part of their life again, that they were with me through my first steps and days but im just gone now [not completely obviously] but i thought if they slowed down and thought about it, it be kind of sad. that nothing really stays with you forever.
i thought about how i dont know really know whats happening in your life, or how reading something from your life makes me kind of sad but i feel like theres nothing i can say. and its not like, i dont know, its not like i can make a difference or do anything anyway. its just everyones own battle and struggle............how did we all get so alone? but i know the daily motion of things numbs it a little, fades it to a background a little. but it makes me sad that im already at a point when i dont know what to say....
i dont reallly have any wish for this year, any sure resolution or a destination to go to. i'd like to believe that i'll have a goal to work for, and that i'll hopefully work harder. and be able to go home during summer, be more involved in school, talk to friends more, be less mia. but hopefully, though im sure i will be
happy
and you too.
there were 100 or more windmills
rooted to the field
the way their lazy blades swung
not in unison but steadily, rhythmically
felt like they were free.
they could be flowing with the wind
they could be giving power to a family
they could be saying goodbye to me
or they could just be carelessly falling and swirling up again
around and around, just like that,
so easily.
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