Argh!  Why have I been given such power to make people feel so happy they feel they are in heaven or to feel so sad and angry they want to go to the said place (or hell, if it applies)?  I don't want this damn responsibility.  How about I just tell everyone that I am gay?  I'm lesbian, I like girls, yeah.  Or I'm a nun.  Or both.  Yes, Maxine is a lesbian nun.  (I guess lesbian is not an adjective, so I've just adjectivized the word "lesbian.")  Ahh, who the hell cares anyway?  No one uses proper English anymore anyway...

*sigh*  It's Christmas Eve--It's my b-day eve.  I should be happy.  OK, no guilt today.  I'm sorry I gave anyone the wrong idea or anything, but I am NOT A LESBIAN NUN!!  I promise.  I think Orlando Bloom is hot (even if he had a crappy line like "a diversion!" in LOTR, which, btw, is a way awesome movie--definitely worth seeing).  And sorry to everyone out there I made unhappy, but I am being honest, and if the truth hurts, so be it.  Happy Christmas, (and Happy Maxine's Birthday).

Everything's good.  My mother still loves me, my friends still care about me, my brother is still the same, innocent, happy, oblivious little child (although he seems much taller to me now)--everything is as good as I had remembered it (perhaps even more so, because my being away helped me realize how much I miss home...).  Just watched HOLES, my bro's fav movie, and played a few of the 96 levels he's created on Jetpack (computer arcade game. GOAL: to collect all the emeralds and get to the exit while avoiding all the weird monsters and robots).  The levels, btw, are damn hard!!  (I must have died over 10 times in the sapce of 20 minutes...I only passed 2 of the 7 levels I tried!)  OK, not everything is wonderful: e.g. I just got dc'ed again by my horrible internet connection, and had to type this xanga entry twice because first time I submitted it, the site had already timed out cause I was logged off...

but nothing has really changed, and that is nice.

*sigh*  I am home.  And everything is so familiar and so wonderful--when my mother informed me there was cookie dough, orange juice, yogurt, and rolls in the fridge, I just wanted to jump up and hug her (although that is not usually done in our family--I don't know--maybe it's an Asian thing).  Yet, somehow everything in its sameness is different.  I worry about quite a bit, here and there, like I always do.  I catch myself staring at my mother all the time to make sure she is getting along all right, and never knowing for sure, feeling angry at myself sometimes for being so impatient with her when she initially worried about me so much when I left home.  I'm listening to naked's "red" right now, and because it's already 3:36 here (meaning I feel like it's 5:36), and I'm really tired, or perhaps I just have a lot to think about, I am in a very ponderous mood.  I have a lot to think about, to work out, to find out about myself, to find out about others.  To figure out what I want in life, what matters to me more, and what I should focus on.  To figure out if my mother is really doing ok without me; wondering if she's disappointed in me for how I've turned out; wondering if my dad will ever be proud of me and if he will ever show it; if my friends will be happy to see me and if they'll have changed so much we can't even talk like we used to anymore;  realizing the difficulty in which I experiencing towards adding together my life here and my life at MIT, which leads to my last thought: How can I choose between my favorite guy here and my favorite guy at MIT?  They are different worlds, and I live both, but I cannot seem to see them as both being part of one life, but that of 2; hence the confusion, frustration, and the inability to decide between the two.  Perhaps my problem is that I cannot see one in the other's world; somehow, that seems to violate some unspoken law--or maybe I just have a poor imagination.  No no, that's not it...It's more that don't want to.  It's just easier that way.

For all those who were seriously concerned about my mental health after that blog, I am just fine.  It's just that caffeine high + stress == a very crazy, confused, flustered Maxine.  (Not that I am usually considered exactly sane by most people in the first place...)  But I think jumproping with lots of old glowstick necklaces connected together is a little crazy, even for me.  (Although, I have to say that my joke that "There's a bird on Maroof" must have been my low point.  BTW, Maroof is the name of an awesome awesome fellow Nexty who lives 2 doors down from me...)

One final down and 2 to go!!  Woohoo!  I will be just fine... at least in chem.  6001 will not be that easy.  (Programming class for all those non-MIT-ers.)  But MIT will not be the end of me.  And I get to go home on Thurs!!!!  Yay!!  I can sink deeply into my queen-sized bed, and when I look around, i won't be blinded by the white, half-brick, half-concrete walls of my abode, but rather by the soft green wallpaper with tiny white petals, and my oak-colored dresser and my large, wooden ceiling fan. 

Ehhh, I could go on and on...