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| yes, i'm back.. it's about 9 months since my last post and well, the madness is still there.. but what has happened during the lost time?
a. i taught geometry to 2nd year high school students as part of my practicum - this was a requirement for graduation in the degree Bachelor in Secondary Education - which i was taking then..
b. i graduated.. finally.. woohoo! after 8 years of college, i was finally out of the university..
c. there was this person from school that i liked.. liked because now, i don't like the person anymore.. i actually spared myself more depression by choosing to let go of the thing which was the cause of it..
d. i taught in a review center - where incoming senior high school students enrol to brush up for collegiate entrance exams.. i taught General Science, Physics, Math 1, Algebra, Trigonometry, and Introductory Calculus.. plus i was given a tutee to teach: i taught her Geometry and Chemistry.. high paying, tiring..
e. i joined musical theater workshop again.. we did a production of a certain pop-rock musical.. i played a jock! LOL
f. the love of my life and the gf broke up..
g. i like this person from the workshop.. this person has special powers - surprisingly..
h. now that workshop is over, i'm jobless and beginning to have a craving for alcohol.. more alcohol.. i'm still in control, though.. i say it makes me happy..
i. i got back in twitter
j. i attended my first toy convention
k. i'm back in xanga..
what else? more to come.. | | |
| i've been feeling a lot and a lot more depressed lately.. firstly because i rarely get to see him or spend time with him, and also because i feel more and more left out by my other friends (or rather, by people that i consider to be my friends)..
we had our first show together last week.. i don't know what's with me but i kinda felt awkward being around him again after a long time without his presence.. it was like i wanted to hug him or talk to him, but i felt that i just couldn't.. this was several days after the "new best friend" issue, which he totally ignored (i guess).. so there.. our dressing areas are beside each other and we had a lot of time before the show so naturally we should be talking.. the other guys are kinda busy chatting everytime, and apparently they convened that i was the most quiet among them.. anyhow, that day with him wasn't an exception.. he totally noticed my being silent and started joking around that i was constipated.. he was trying to get me to talk, but frankly, i didn't feel like talking - or maybe i just didn't have something to talk about.. i couldn't pinpoint the exact reason actually.. maybe it's because there were too many people there and i really didn't feel talking around people i barely know..
our second show together was yesterday evening.. same thing.. but i sorta had more energy yesterday and was talking to him.. but i felt depressed again when robbie didn't invite me to watch a movie.. he invited my usual group of friends, but not me.. i don't know if he merely forgot or he did that intentionally.. i was like almost beside him when he called out people and asked if they wanted to watch a movie.. i really felt bad, because even though me and robbie aren't that close close, just the thought of being left out by my friends was making me lose it.. i was feeling kinda down the entire show, but of course, it can't show when i'm on stage..
i texted him again as part of my personal tradition, and he blurted out something which was really bad (in filipino).. i was shocked and surprised at his reaction, but i kinda let it go and just laughed it out.. i'm thinking now if that's always his reaction whenever i text him.. i guess i'll have to wait for our next show to prove it, or maybe ask him about it..
anyhow, the show ended and i asked him casually if he was already going home.. he thought for a bit and said yes and i asked my usual follow up question.. he agreed but said he was gonna buy some candy first.. weird.. anyhow, while inside his car, i asked him if i could share something, and he was like defensive and said that it depends on what i was going to tell him (i suspect he's thinking that i'd be telling him how much i like him and go emo and get depressed because he's ignoring me and that he's got a new best friend and stuff).. i said it was about a person - robbie - and he listened.. he asked things and analyzed them and gave me advice.. i listened intently while trying to dig deeper into my own entangled mass of thoughts.. i felt better after.. he said that i should try to make more friends from the show.. i think he knows me enough to tell me that.. when we're together, i talk a lot about stuff - stuff that i can't talk about to my usual people, but with him it's just too easy.. that's what i really miss about him.. our "connection" - though this same connection is kinda getting loose and garbled because he has someone (of course he'd rather spend time with him gf than me)..
but whatever.. i'm glad i got to spend time with him last night, and even hang out with him for a while during the ride.. we only have one show together next month, and that's one of the three shows he's scheduled to do.. he'll be doing his OJT and thus, have no time do shows because of the crazy work schedule.. i hope we could hang out more.. | | |
| it's monday again.. one of my most boring days of the week, but this is also the day i have lessons with my voice teacher.. i've only started with him around 2 months ago, and i can definitely say that he has helped me a lot - first through my workshop show where I played Dr. Henry Jekyll (the love of my life played my alter ego) and next through my first professional show which is still ongoing.. For the role of Jekyll, i was required to sing several songs, most of which were fairly difficult because of the high notes and fast tempos in some songs.. of course i was also acting while singing, which added to the difficulty of being able to sustain the level of reality and the singing.. i faced the danger of losing my voice when we first started as i felt i was merely shouting and shouting all my songs without technique.. my voice teacher helped me on that.. i only took like 3 sessions from him before the show, and boy, that pretty much allowed me to go through the show.. he's really amazing.. that's why i decided to continue on training and learning with him so i can further enhance and develop my singing capabilities.. it's not really my dream to become a singer, but in musical theater that is a very big requirement.. until now, i still lack self confidence with my singing, but the lessons my teacher taught me gave me encouragement that i can really do it.. that i can really perform, only if i concentrate and focus and learn and remember, and listen.. he often says that it takes years to perfect the technique, but i'm lucky to be on my way.. it's never too late to start learning how to sing properly..
i'm getting No More Heroes later!!!
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| it's been almost 40 days since i last wrote here.. not that there wasn't anything of interest to write about, or anything eventful that could've caused massive emotional distress on my part, or anything that could've let me again to worship the "porcelain god" (to quote him). i've been absent from this site for reasons of laziness.. i just didn't feel like writing.. of course i've been busy with other stuff too, like school, and doing shows.. YEAH! we already opened.. i've done like 10 shows already since official opening night.. that's not much, but hey, it's what i've been wanting to do for the longest time..
so what drove me to write here again? the feeling of being replaced.. yes, i feel replaced.. substituted.. switched.. this is really crazy of me, thinking i was special.. i can't be special.. no one wants me.. the person i liked and loved the most again has forsaken me.. i really hate my life as it is - relationship wise.. i've been surrounded, and still surrounded by people i don't even feel free with.. and these people are my friends! they don't really know me, and i don't think they ever will.. i'm just not that interesting.. i am not special.. i've told myself to just hang on to what i feel because feeling something for someone is better than just living for yourself - that's my philosophy.. and yes, i get sad everyday, thinking of him, and how he is with his girlfriend and his new best friend.. i've been put on the side again as i've served my purpose.. sometimes i think i've been destined to be alone..gay people can sometimes end up happy with someone, but that's a rarity.. i'm part of the majority..
so here i am, sick with various nauseating thoughts.. i've been losing sleep the past few days, waking up at random times during early morning, only to have trouble going back to slumber.. i'm keeping myself busy playing video games, which sort of gives me a feeling of accomplishment.. he doesn't even wanna play Guitar Hero III (Wii) with me.. argh..
i wish there'd be another party where i could just let go and get myself drunk..
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| well, this is about him again.. nobody gets to read this so i guess it's perfectly fine to write whatever i think and feel.. we haven't been talking a lot lately.. he's really busy with his thesis and i rarely see him, let alone have a decent conversation with him.. he doesn't reply to my text messages, and he doesn't seem to appreciate that i am concerned and looking out for him..
heck.. maybe it's just weird for a guy to have another guy liking him.. maybe the only reason why he hasn't ditched me is because he said i was his best friend, or maybe because i helped him and his girl get together, or maybe because.. i don't know.. we are still friends.. he's really someone i found many similarities with, but apparently, we like different stuff.. i find it hard to talk to him about many things, and probably he thinks that as well..
also, i don't feel that he's avoiding me.. ever since, i've always been the one to always approach him and talk to him.. he just stays quiet, like me.. so i talk to him.. i definitely know how it feels to be just by yourself most of the time.. we may have different reasons for being like that, but i don't ever want him to think that he's just by himself.. i hope he knows that he has me no matter what.. i guess this is really love.. | | |
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