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| It's turned out to be a challenging week for me. But facing these
challenges has really opened my eyes, and allowed me to come to some
realizations.
There are two things. First, you never really know what you have until
you loose it. Second, you never know how much you need something or
someone until you are facing a challenge that is too trying to face
alone.
Last Tuesday I abruptly left campus - with the understanding that some
things in my life are more important that what I had going on at IC.
Part of me still feels as though this is right, but another part of me
has awoken to the understanding that some things only appear to be more
important.
i spent a lot of time thinking about love. What it means to me, what
its worth to me, and what i want out of it. It's meaning has changed
the most for me recently. As i have fallen more and more in love i have
come to realize it to be completely different than i have ever
imagined. Love is the most important aspect of life, i believe. It is
the love that my parents and my family have shown to me that has been
my greatest gift. The love of my friends that holds me up on my
toughest days. It is the love that i give to people that makes me know
that my life has meaning. Love is the greatest gift; it's the most
powerful feeling to share, and also the most sinful thing to take
advantage of. I believe deeply that you shouldn't be reckless with
other people's hearts and shouldn't put up with people who are reckless
with yours. I apologize to the many people that I love and have hurt
this week. i was reckless with the love that you have shown to me....my
parents, and friends who were there for me and i didn't properly honor
their support.
....don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours....(I’ll have to try and stay true
to that more)
In the craziness that was my week, i got trapped in Ohio on my way home
when my car began to smoke and died. Of course, the person who didn't
want me to have to be alone was my dad when he drove out to help me. It
was at that time that i came to realize that i am not yet where i
thought i was. Within the next few months i have been planning to step
out on my own and make some changes in life. I was getting ready to
step away from my family, become independent, and follow my heart. But
the truth is my family is those that i need the most - and the only
ones that i know will always be there for me. As my mom told me today,
after a very rocky week; "don't worry meg, this is what we're all here
for. To get each other through the hard time." They are the people who
love me the most, support me the most, and the ones that i can rely on
from day-to-day, week-to-week, and year-to-year, that's a type of love
everyone needs. And for me, I am lucky enough to find that with my
family.
i'm not sure where to go with this. I just have a lot on my mind. Most of these thoughts are very random, but good.
I said at the beginning you don't know what you have until you loose
it. i lost a lot this week, but i am still maintaining that i gained a
lot more. i lost the perception i had of my life. The idea that i was
in control somehow....the reality is, i'm not. I had no control over
anything that happened this week, i was left only to react and for the
most part i reacted horribly. I lost a few years of my life (or so it
feels) ageing is a part of life - and what has aged me has been worth
it. I lost a lot of my esteem - i felt devalued this weekend, and that
left questioning myself. I lost my dreams - said goodbye to any
perceptions of simplicity in love and life. i lost my pride - it
happens when you start to internalize the perception of others.
I'm not sure what is going on inside me....but i'm thinking i might
update this more frequently, it helps in some odd way. as a line in one
of my favorite movies goes...sometimes you just have to put the cosmic
questions out there.
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| Oh my goodness...I am so excited right now! In the past few weeks the pieces of my life seem to have fallen into place.
There are only four weeks left in this semester which excites me greatly! It has been a draining semester, and I am excited to have a little break. Whithin these four weeks there is much to do however.
Also, right after school is over i am hitting the road. Driving to Indiana, and then Steve and I are taking off on an amazing road trip. We are going to Lt. Louis, Las Vegas, Death Valley, The Grand Canyon, Texas, New Orleans, and memphis. I think it'll be a lot of fun, and I look forward to seeing all thos places with my baby.
Speaking of Steve. Everyday I come to realize more and more how lucky I am to have him, and how important it is to appreciate what we have together. We've been together for over 8 months and with over 700 miles between us it's amazing that our love has grown as much as it has in that time. We both have a lot to handle in life, and it is good to know that he is always there for me. I hope that I can always be there for him. We have exciting days together to come.
those are all the thoughts for now.... | | |
| I've been on campus for a week now. I've been away from Steve for 10 days. And i've been through a lot in that time. Coming back to campus didn't feel right for me. In the past 7 days of being here i've thought about walking out of classes, trasnfering, graduating early, taking a leave of absense - really i was just desperatly trying to figure out what would make me happy. My mom has dealt with my tears, Neha has dealt with my big break downs, and Steve has been the one picking up the pieces of my life. But all my desperation wasn't real. It was me trying to control my life, a life that i have little control over - and upon further thought i thank God everyday that i don't control my life, otherwise who knows where i'd be right now. It is because of his blessings that i am as happy as i am.
Now i feel like i've moved past the tears and onto something different - maybe something a little more scary, but i'm not scared. I guess that's what Mass does for you sometimes. Today's sermon was about following God and knowing that no matter how much you prepare, or plan, or follow maps toward happiness - it'll never be enough for the unexpected life God has blessed you with. God is going to take you places you never desired to go (Indiana?) and you'll meet people you never imagined could be real (steve?).
That's the basic truth. Sometimes we just have no control over our lives. Sometimes we just have to let God in and be thankful of all the blessings He's given us (i know i have many) and be trusing that everything will work out - that all the adventures we follow Him through will lead us to where we are supposed to be. Just trust that He is with us and following Him will never get us lost. Trust that road maps won't keep us safe, but htat we are safe in His love already.
I'm not lost. I know where i am, and what i'm doing. I know that my purpose right now is to do all i can to appreciate the life and the belissing that God has given me (My friends, Steve, this college experience, the excitement of a unkown and unrestricted future, and my family) And to follow him wherever it is He leads me (no matter how scary that may be).
I'm not lost, and i'm not alone. God has blessed me with such loving people in my lie.
And, While there are difficult days, and difficult tasks- as long as i follow him and trust him everything is going to be fine. All of this is leading me somewhere. Somewhere i never anticipated, but what He always had in mind. I know this is how God works, because I've experienced it already. God gave me Steve. I had never anticipated the kind of love i have with him or that man like steve could love me like he does and be so good for me, but that was what God had in mind. And nothing could be better!
And now i look toward the future with excitement. I never expected the things that are happening to me now, nor those that will be coming. I am excited about graduating early (who knows what that will lead to in my life), I'm excited about Steve (this is one of those blessings that i will never understood why i was so lucky, but thank God everday), I'm excited for this semester and the challenges and blessings to come.
That's all i've got now.
A quick thank you to Neha, momma, and Steve for dealing with me lately.
And i'm reminded of a song lyric that makes me think about my Steve:
"God bless the broken roads that led me straight to you"
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| Here's a run-down on life.
FALL BREAK IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!!! 
I only have one more essay and a bunch of SGA work to do until the first block is DONE. I am going home on Tuesday afternoon. The time will be spent dealing with family stuff, a little visiting, and a little school work. I am coming back to IC on Thursday afternoon.
Then.....Friday morning my Steve is coming to visit 
So my fall break will be spent with all the people i love, super excited!
I also need to send a and big thanks to Neha. You my dear, have become my saving grace. Thank you for always challenging me, loving me, and ALWAYS being there for me - and mostly knowing when i need you even if i'm not able to say it 
Yet again, you really really really helped me out this weekend. thanks for being honest, open, and real! ROCK IT HOE!
Other life happenings...
I'm sick....hasn't been much fun, but we deal. I just hope to get over it quickly.
NewsWatch has been interesting lately....the day's prep has gotten A LOT easier- i am much more into the producer role, and the group of reporters and APs I have is AWSOME. But it seems, the easier the day's planning is the more difficult it is when we go live. Good thing it's fun, otherwise it would start to be frustrating 
My SGA committee, which i realized is allll guys, has been soo much fun lately. I feel as if everyone is much more open and involved this year! I'm sure there will be more fun times to come.
that's all i gots! Just looking forward to break and Steve.
peace. | | |
| Alright, i'll be honest: this update is just to make steve smile- 
i realize that it's been two weeks since i last updated my xanga- but i guess i don't feel as though certain aspects of my life are worth the time and energy i already put into them let alone that of writing/reflecting on them.
First off, it's funny that the only thing i feel that has been getting me through this year thus far has been Steve. There are far too many days where i feel like the first time that i actually smile or laugh during the day is when i get to talk to him at night. Our conversations put me at ease (which isn't any easy task) and my nights don't really feel complete without talking to him. I miss him a lot - but he will be here in just over three weeks. So the plan is to stay busy until then (which we all know is a garunteed state for me). I guess really i am always going to be busy, if the plan is to stay occupied during the time we are apart....oy! but if there is one thing i'm certain of, it's that this is worth it. love is worth it.
(onto more good news....i have this tendency not to talk about all the crap in life- so i will stay true to this tonight)
My older sister just got the most amazing job ever! She is the designer for the New Berlington Coat Factory home products line (they are doing something similar to that of K-mart's Martha Stewart's Line). She got the job last week and is now looking to relocate to South Jersey. I know very well she is excited to move out of the house (moving back for the four months since graduation must have been painful enough). Anyway, this is an AMAZING first job, and I couldn't be more proud of her!
NewsWatch is crazy like WHOA! Last week was the first live cast- there were some mishaps....but overall i think it was a good first show. We go live again tomorrow night, so that means another looooong day in the newsroom. It's a lot of work and pressure to produce the show- but i'm enjoying it and learning a lot.....it'll be a good semester of it.
My parents, being the amazing people that they are, booked a flight for me to go see Steve over Thanksgiving break. I'm going to fly to Indiana and spend 8 days with him & his family. We'll see how that goes....I'm excited (scared of course, but excited)
Actually, I can not hide it, i am more than scared......in the words of Kristen "i might just shit myself, we should have toilet paper ready"
I'm not worried about his family- I am sure they are AMAZING people, who I will enjoy a lot. I just....want them to like me.
The good news is...this is two months away, so there is no reason to worry about it - just tell that to my subconscious which keeps providing my nights with uncomfortable nightmares about it.... 
This weekend i am going home!!!!!! I am soooooo excited. Granted, the real reason I am going home is to help my little sister do college applications Yes, i am going to spend the weekend going through the hell that is the college admissions process. For some reason she thinks i would be a good aid in the process, what she fails to realize is that I applied to 20 schools...and therefore only have very very bad memories of college applications- which mean i may provide the bitter, angry kind of help. However, for my sis, i will try to put it all behind me and focus on helping to save her from being stuck with my parents after college as much as my momma may desire it.
Actually, i am really looking forward to going home. I feel as if life has moved soooo quickly since i last saw my family- KT's new job and her moving out, Erin becoming a SENIOR (whoa! i feel old), and i haven't spoken to my parents in soooo long (much to catch up on). I kind of just feel the need to give the parents a big hug and thank them for being so amazing thus far this year (especially, in regards to Steve).
[alright...i rambled about my family...sorry]
Other goodness:
The board had dinner with President Williams last week [those events lost their appeal a loooong time ago]
Everything is going really well with Faith (my lil sister) - She came over to the dorms last weekend. We made brownies - and then did some craft stuff. Then she decided to go through my room. She made a fort out of my bed and blankets and chairs, and i think ended up asking me questions about everything i own. She particularly like the picture of Steve- which sparked a whole other round of questioning in itself. She's a wonderful girl though, and i enjoy spending time with her. She has come up with all these ideas of things we could do. She wants to have ice cream with steve, she wants to have a sleep over in the dorms, she wants to go to church with me, and she wants to get a pet cat that we can share. you have to at least appreciate the kid's creativity and excitement.
Other (maybe not so goodness):
I'm going to give my usual line of "I don't want to talk about it".....and as Neha will tell you, it usually means it's the things i need to talk about most....but hate to.
This week they include: SGA, classes, SGA, friends, SGA, NewsWatch, SGA, this college!
[that's enough complaining for me......]
Alright, well it is a lonely night (no steve) so i am going to sleep. Hopefully not have too many wierd dreams...
I have an early morning of studying, and preparing for the cast tomorrow....and then i'm in the newsroom all day! (eeeeek!)
peace out!
(Steve, I hope that meets your approval )
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