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it's deep sea diving...with no oxygen...
it
feels about time for an early-morning, overly analytically,
more-then-slightly silly blog post...we havent had one of those in
awhile...well...kinda... 
it has been an interesting week...a good week, but a very interesting one...
an argument with my mother, of all things, got me thinking...and that thinking led to much too much more thinking...but when that was
done, well...lots of things changed...maybe not externally, maybe not
visibly...but, dear God, do I feel...well...happy...and a little
scared...and more than a little excited...
whatever is coming next is going to be exciting...I can feel it...
when I get back to the city...everything's cluttered and pretty...
I
have very recently (read: this week, basically) come to terms with the
fact that, as much as I like to pretend that I am some unattached leaf
being blown around by the winds of life (HA! poetical...almost...), I
am...well...not...I need a base...I need roots...I need a home...and,
despite my best efforts...Wichita is just that...Manhattan has been
good to me, Louhelen was indescribable...but I am completely and
totally, head-over-heels in love with Wichita...yes, a lot of that is
because my family is there, my friends are there...but despite all of
that (cause they all be crazy...trust me...) I can see myself creating my life there...raising a family there...building my career there...we shall see what the next few years bring, I suppose...
I'll make my own way....in the wide world...just know I don't want to wander too far...
also, I'm semi-blonde again...
and
there is a coconut carved and dressed up too look like a pirate on my
bookshelf...I never realized quite how creepy he is until tonight...he
has an eye patch and everything...gold hoop earring...heh..whoever sent
me him is pretty damn amazing
woke
up...wished that I was dead, with an aching in my head...I lay
motionless in bed...I thought of you, and where you'd gone...and let
the world spin madly on...
trying to be the perfect
anything is exhausting...trying to be the perfect anything for the sake
of someone else is pointless and exhausting...things are going to be
different now...for awhile at least...assuming I have the guts to come
clean...that's the hard part, but the part that will make the most
difference...
green, it is also summer...and I wont be warm...'till I'm lying in your arms...
on a side note...engineers are HAWT! just in case anyone was wondering...
Grand
Theft Auto, however...is a boyfriend-stealing, evil invention...it's
interactive bad TV, with the magic ability to turn normally pleasant
men into yelling, cursing shells of their former selves...too bad it's
so much fun...even just to watch...I think I get almost as involved in
it as he does...pathetic, I know...
see the bare moon...raise it's big bald head...
school will be over Friday at 1:50 pm...then, off to Kansas Bahai School for the weekend...should be fun...then back to life and the realites of moving...
moving to-do list:
1. talk to manager at the store I want to transfer to
2. find an apartment (one that's bunny friendly)
3. pack
4. get transcript sent to Friend's
5. get oil changed in Coche
6. convince my father to let me borrow his truck (use bribery if necessary)
meh...that's enough for now...
you were kind of a moon, outside of my room...I could just feel you nearby...
methinks
'tis time to sleep...now if only my body would cooperate...mayhaps a
few rounds of Peggle or Bejeweled and I'll be able to pass out...we
shall see...
*yawn* | | |
| happiness is...
watching an 11-month-old toddle across the floor...
my little sister in her 'Geek Squad' outfit...
driving home from work with the windows down, RENT blasting through the speakers...
lightening...
voicemessages from my mother...
having the apartment to myself and cranking up the music...
reconnecting with old friends...
finding a garnet necklace my dad made...in the sock drawer (I thought I'd lost it!)...
relapsing...without drowning in it...
giant orange tabby cats that snore...loudly...
singing frogs...
yawning bunny rabbits...
hope...
infatuation...
midnight ice cream in an empty parking lot...
bachelorette parties...
musicals...
having one of those "damn, I look good!" days...
going home...
finally standing up for myself...
pita bread and tuna fish...
live video feeds of the colossal squid autopsy...
political cartoons...
dinner and a movie...
mmm...it's been a good week...
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yep...it's about that time again...20 months this go-round...time to pack up and move on...
or back, as the case may be...
that's
right, kids...come August, I'll be back in the ICT...back at
Friend's...where school is free, and that one Asian girl can come crawl
into bed with me on Sunday mornings...
I tried the whole college town thing, I tried for complete independence...but the truth is, I'm tired...
the
constant balancing act between my studies and my bills is just getting
to be too much...so I figured I'd cut my losses, swallow my pride, and
go crawling back...
besides...I miss my family...
when I
first moved up here, one of my mothers (there are three amazing women
in my life, besides the one who bore me, who have been given that
honorary title) sat me down and told me I was running away...and, truth
is, she was right...very, very right...but, seeing as how most of what
I was running from was internal, location didn't really change much...
the
new location did, however, leave me pretty much on my own and force me
to deal with some things I just wasnt dealing with while at home...
I've grown up a lot...
I
am happier now...and stronger...and finally feel I am capable of facing
some of the other things I was running from without slipping back into
those destructive behaviors I have always been so fond of...
so
there you have it, folks...time for one hell of a back-track in my
life...again...who knows, maybe I'll even stay put for awhile this
time...
heh...probably not...
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nothing else will do, I’ve gotta have you...
libraries
are good places for sleeping...and studying too, I suppose...and
research...and reading...Hale is just an all around wonderful place to
do things...the library is my happy place...
blargh...current
headache: nikki is unable to pay rent this month...again...my financial
situation is a constant balancing act...am I working enough hours to
pay my bills? to qualify for my insurance? am I working too many hours
to keep up with my school work?...something is always suffering, and
I’m about to rip my hair out...
three semesters...if I do this right, only three more semesters and I’m...done...with this chapter, anyway...
The Evolution of Dance
is better live...most everyone has seen the youtube video (and if you
havent...clickey the linkey!)...but it is way better with a
crowd...screaming and clapping and reacting...Judson Laipply is my hero!
internship
news: much like last summer, this coming one will find me bouncing
between cities...only this time, the other city is Wichita...three days
a week at home, four here...at Walgreens...BUT...those three days in
Wichita will be spent at the All American Indian Centre helping them
build a docent program for their newly re-vamped museum...I be VERY
excited...
I’m a little conflicted about spending so much time
at home...I’m good when I’m here...I’m happy, I’m having a blast,
things are going well (disregarding the money issues)...but every time
I go home, old things get stirred up...old things that either werent
dealt with or I have since chosen to ignore...I end up all angsty and
self-reflective...I come back to Mahnattan ready to overhaul my life,
only to realize that I am not currently capable of such drastic
change...and all of that just leaves me...exhausted...we shall see how
things pan out...
current obsessions: white cheddar cheez-its, Elijah Kelly, Avatar, and The Weepies
consider yourselves updated! | | |
| Nikki is sleepy... but, at two in the morning...that just doesnt seem to be happening...bah... thank goodness tomorrow (today?) isn't a working morning... my dreams have been very vivid as of late...twisted memories, slightly offset, but still with that basis in truth...or at least what was truth...it's always fun seeing my friends while I sleep...especially those I haven't talked to in God knows how long...especially he who's smile makes me want to misbehave... Snicket died the other day...Snicket would be my laptop...so Stanley the desktop and I have been becoming re-acquainted...I didn't think it would be so difficult to switch back from a Mac to a PC, but this is driving me up the wall...I keep accidentally hitting shortcuts and I miss my dashboard terribly... sometimes, I really enjoy my job...not often, mind you...but on occasion, there occurs a very good day... two semesters ago, I banned myself from reading for-fun books during the school year...between classes and slaving away behind a cash register, I thought it better to just avoid the temptation...this semester, I thought I had learned to balance my work and school schedule well enough that I could indulge myself in a novel or two...well, damn it all if THAT didn't fail...so a couple of weeks into school and I've read all three books in His Dark Materials and am halfway through Wicked, while the textbook for my Constitutional History class has been opened only once...this is not going to end well...too bad it's so much fun... with the death of Snicket went all of my pictures from pilgrimage...I never thought I'd cry over a computer, but losing those jpegs had me in tears... I can hear Alfredo singing all the way in my bedroom...yes, Louhelen-ites (Louhelen-ians?) the creepy, albino, aquarium frog still lives...and he's just as noisey as ever... the political sphere has me more engaged right now than ever before...I have never been one to follow caucus results, or even be able to have an intelligent conversation about how one candidate's stances or voting records differ from anothers...but I have found myself absolutely rivited these last few weeks...as for who I support, well...if you want to know, ask away, but my allegiance is anything but set in stone at this point...I'm just having fun watching it all unfold... and on that very secular note, I think sleep and I shall try to find some common ground...existencial crises and spiritual epiphanies shall be saved for a later date... nighty night
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