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| it's a struggle to navigate this place so i'm moving to...
samuse.tumblr.com
peace y'all. | | |
| Not feeling so hot- emotionally, spiritually...altogether.
I believe I have passion to reach certain people. I believe my love is genuine and my desire to be of use to God is honorable. Yet, there is great inconsistency. I do not hold fast when the waves come. My love, patience, determination, all of it- waivers. This inconsistency comes to my mind quite consistently. And the resulting disappointment is difficult to swallow. The sense of inadequacy looms over my head as a constant reminder that I suck at being an example of Christ. At times, the disappointment hurts me so much that I do not even want to rely on Grace anymore. I feel that God would just be wasting His time on me. I fear, and quite frankly am quite tired of being a disappointment to God and myself.
I have aspirations to be of use to God. When I fail here, in the beginning of it all, I wonder if I'll ever be of any use at all. If I fail here, how shameful will my future failures be like? I don't even want to think about that. I can't fathom it. I try to trace these feelings and proffer I'm too hard on myself, which stops me from giving my all to God and simply trusting. There's too much focus on myself. What I can be used for, how I can fail, and how I'd feel upon failure. It annoys me that I'm always so dismayed by my view of myself. It humbles me to the point where I feel pitiful, where I should be humbled and looking only to God, but I look to my left and right, seeing if anyone just saw me screw up. Wondering if anyone notices that I don't have it altogether, and that I am ready to fall apart.
Low self-confidence. I suppose that's part of it. Actually, low self-confidence isn't necessarily bad. It's what I decide to do with it. Low self-confidence can lead me to the Cross, or it can lead me down dark paths of more self-loathing. Perhaps this is the enemy's way of disabling me. It's rather effective- make me feel so disappointed in myself that I no longer feel like getting up. Make me doubt myself and the gifts God has given me. Make me doubt the fact that God has a purpose for me. Make me lose hope. Make me give up. Make me turn to temporary distractions and earthly pleasures. Make me forget that Christ is for me. Make me forget that He is constantly there, looking after me with unconditionally loving eyes. Stretching out His hand towards me.
I only need to be receptive. I only need to stop wasting time with transient distractions and look towards His direction, see His hand and take it. I need to realize that distractions, obstacles, and suffering are all ways He is showing His love towards me because He wants me to rely on Him more. To grow more. To be further strengthened. To be more firmly rooted. Steadfast. So that some day, one day, I will be ready to be of use for His Kingdom, His Glory, His Works. Because I am His, and He is with me.
Learning such dependence is the hardest thing for my self. | | |
| Aiyah. So much to say, but I just don't know how to. I'll try to take this slowly, but not too slowly.
In the past year, God has really been working in me, and my heart's been receptive. Maybe it's the change in church, but both churches worship the same God (I won't get into this now). Let's just say God has done a lot in me this past year. It's been difficult at times (and more hard times will come), but I finally see some hope for this life. Hope, not from what I can do but what I know God can do with me, through me, someway, somehow, I believe it.
God's love is great. There is no greater thing. Whenever I earnestly pray, my heart aches. We continue to live solely focused on ourselves: what we can achieve, what education we can undergo, which high-flying job we can land, what kind of name we can make for ourselves, which awesome person we can marry, what awesome family we can raise (that's better than the next family). It aches because we're so caught up in the trivial things. And if we're Christian, how can we continue living like that? Not that any of those things are evil, but they become our idols. Our focus. Our goal. Not a means to a righteous goal. If we're Christian, why aren't we out loving like Christ did? Why do so many of us have trouble with evangelizing? We're essentially keeping the cure to one's life to ourselves, hoarding it; we'd rather not talk with another dying soul though we it. My heart aches because I realize that God must be so frustrated with us, yet despite all the stupidity we put into our lives, He still has patience for us because He loves us that much. Unconditionally much. And that, kills me. It kills me that I continue to lose sight of things. That I continue to fall and chase after things with no meaning. It kills me that we, the light of this world, are doing jacksh*t to be a light in the darkness. Rather than being a lamp on the hill, we are hiding it, hoarding it. Whether that's intentional or not is besides the point. The point that is we're not doing what we've been put here for. We've missed the mark. We need to regroup and refocus. We continue to go astray, and the pile of failures maybe hard to forget, but God doesn't think any less of us, He loves us unconditionally. And such a thought astounds me, each and every time.
What amazing love.
Now the question...are we going to continue living our own lives, taking this love for granted and spitting in the face of God? Or are we going to repent and start living as we ought to? As we are supposed to.
I've been reading the Bible a lot more recently and I feel like I'm learning about Christ's love for the very first time. Such love. Such grace. But it doesn't stop there. He left us work to do. Many of us think that as long as we are loved by God then all is said and done, but we have yet to start working for our Father. Do we want to forever remain as infants in His presence? I don't want that. I want to grow up and be seen as worthy in the eyes of my Father. I want Him to trust his son, to give me responsibilities and I want to be able to accomplish them to the best of my ability in order to receive His praise. I want to be a loving, loyal, diligent, thoughtful, responsible, trustworthy son. I want that. Now, I try to live for that.
There's a song out by Anberlin called "Burn out Brighter (Northern Lights)". Here are the lyrics. I do like them.
Live; I wanna live inspired.
Die; I wanna die for something.
Racing towards the heavens, I fell into a pitch black.
I'm moments from landing, and I'm shaking like a heart attack.
Lose no time; cannot survive.
I made mistakes in the past.
Need a chance; can't take it back.
Wish I could set things right tonight.
Live; I wanna live inspired.
Die; I wanna die for something higher than myself.
Live and die for anyone else.
The more I live I see, this life's not about me.
All I know spins out of control.
Wonder what's next for heart and soul.
Nothing I have can save me now.
Here in what maybe my final hour.
It's my time, cannot survive.
I made mistakes in the past.
Need a chance; can't say goodbye.
Wish I could set things right tonight.
Live; I wanna live inspired.
Die; I wanna die for something higher than myself.
Live and die for anyone else.
The more I live I see, this life's not about me.
Don't wanna leave this world, knowing I've lived in vain.
No time for myself; so sorry, so ashamed.
Don't wanna leave this life, knowing I've barely tried.
Chase down all my dreams that I've hid away on the inside.
Live; I wanna live on fire.
Die; I wanna burn out brighter.
Brighter than the Northern Lights.
Wanna live to feel the daylight.
The more I live I see, this life's not about me.
Christianity isn't just a belief, it should be visible. | | |
| i've always been the brat. being six years younger than my brother, i almost always got away with everything. when i didn't, i'd get a weak slap on the wrist. although life isn't perfect and neither is any family, i'd say i've grown up without any significant traumatic incident. thank God, really.
that was the good part (about being the spoiled child). but everything comes with a price. that price has been made quite apparent tonight.
live 24 years as the brat and you begin to think about how everything and everyone can be milked, manipulated, used, and etc., to benefit you. just you. it's a selfish way to live/think, but that's the way it goes. that's the way society is going too, telling us that it's all about you "cause you're worth it". did i say begins? i meant to say it's embedded into our very core. and when things don't go according to these set expectations, i get upset. you get upset. we all get upset. we throw our little hissy-fits and start to think the world just ain't right. then a whole slew of crap can happen. we get angry at the party that doesn't heed to our needs. we focus on ourselves even more and get depressed. in sum, we act as if we deserve it all, without even lifting a finger. we start to believe that we deserve simply because we are (a spoiled generation).
tonight, my father returned from taiwan. my bro dropped him off and the first thing my dad says to me is something very distasteful. and being the bratty spoiled child that i (did not realize i) am, i was just stared at him in awe as if he just wronged me, big time. i hike upstairs, annoyed, and cool myself, because, "hey! i'm upset here!" after i cool down i go downstairs to make tomorrow's pb&j sandwich with a tight lip and furrowed brows to show my emotion without having to say it. we get to talking and we get to arguing and we get to escalating and it starts to look like it's going nowhere because we just don't understand each other.
i'm sure we've all heard or experienced that before. that you can't understand parents, the other generations. thus, the "generation gap". well tonight, i think the gap has been filled because mid-argument i realized it was going nowhere and i tried my damn best to sideline my emotions, turn on mr. psych mode and really listen to my father. to see what he's saying, and where it's possibly coming from, and why. i did that, we de-escalated and i think this was the first time we've really spoken as adult father to adult son, not baby son, not young son. i had the chance to really hear about my father's life. what some of his struggles are. and how it's been like to be a father towards me. and i think for the first time i realized my father really loves me.
you see, i've always thought he was this tough-as-nails kind of person. always just criticizing criticizing criticizing my brother and i. but tonight i saw the motivation behind it. sure, we all know our parents love us, but we don't think that when we're getting chewed out or feeling the sting of some kitchen utensil across our bodies. but tonight it was different. the love was there and it was genuine and it nearly moved me to tears because i realized that all this time i wrote him off as a lousy father. it's just that he's loved for so long and was disheartened because i would never listen, i would never realize that yes, my father loves me. i'd just give him the usual brush-off that i'm sure we've all perfected over the years.
not that this solves all problems, but it does help. for one, it shakes me out of bratty mode. we talked as adults tonight. yet we talked as father and son. and so i wish to return the favor and show him the love and respect he deserves. i have unknowingly caused him so much anguish. i don't know how i could have been so blinded all this time, but i guess that's just how innate my selfish perspective has become. it's so ingrained into society, into us, to the point where we can't see past ourselves. who suffers the most? we definitely suffer and screw ourselves, but we're hurting more people than we realize. the people that really, truly love us hurt the most because their love for us has been unrequited all our ignorant years.
i'm grateful that i've finally come to my senses. i do admit, being babied was quite nice, but i think i'm ready to move on. i think my parents have been waiting for me to be ready for quite a long time and i hope not to disappoint. there's more to life than your own happiness. there are others. since this is all very new to me, i'll get my priorities in order and start with my family first. tonight has given more meaning to "honor your father and mother". | | |
| and at 8pm today i will have worked 1 month at my new job.
throughout this month long period, i don't think i've had any significant thought-provoking questions. it's simply been cruise control. at least i'm beginning to see my path into the lives of these kids (15-18 yrs). they don't exactly view me as the stiff authoritarian, which is good. i let a lot of stuff slide, but if they're being extraordinarily stupid, i step in. the head clinician told the boys something i thought was pretty cool. it went something along the lines of..."don't mistake my patience as weakness". that pretty much sums up my approach. and because of that, the type of feedback they give me is different than the kind they give to the other people. the stuff i receive is filtered much less. and i prefer it to be that way. this is raw & nitty-gritty, but more can be done with such material. the "i'm good" gives you nowhere to go, conversation-wise.
that's the positive part of the jorb. having a say in their lives. whether or not they decide to take the advice is up to them. the bad is that the other half of the time i feel like i'm paid just to have a pair of eyes. to make sure they're not going on bad sites or doing stupid stuff that they know they shouldn't be doing, but still are. silly boys. and the hours are roughly 10-8 w/no break, which gets rough. and i'm sure that when the weather is colder and the sun starts disappearing around 5pm i'm going to feel super depressed. but i guess that's true for all of nj. and driving a minivan isn't exactly great either although it has more power than the hybrid so i usually make haste when transporting them around :)
speaking of cars. my dear old camry is just about there. it sees the white lights. can't drive'em for more than a few thousand feet before the poor fella starts to overheat and smoke. i've had'em for 7 years now. put on 120,000 miles. 'ole faithful is going to the shop one last time, but if it's more than a minor thing here and there, that'll be that. chapter closed. time to say adieu.
new phase in life. hopefully new car, girl, or >something highly desired< will ensue as well (haha i kid). thus is working life, eh? sort of just haphazardly banking on some unrealistic fantasy of a fun-filled, meaningful life despite reality, which is super boring and monotonous with a sprinkle of excitement and progress every once in awhile. blargh. this is not my cup of tea. this is not what i envisioned it to be.
but i won't get too far ahead of myself. its only been 4 weeks. i'm still a rookie. i'm still inexperienced and naive. butttttttttt, if being experienced means i simply accept this routine, inefficient way of life than i'd rather stay as a young'un. we'll see how far this youthful eagerness will carry me and how long it'll last.
burn baby, burn. | | |
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