Who Throws the Bridal Shower?

No one has stepped forward to host a bridal shower for my daughter.   Is it ok for me to host a shower?

The Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor or the bridesmaids traditionally hosted bridal showers. Today, it is also acceptable for a friend or relative to host the shower.   However, it is not correct etiquette for the mother of the bride to host a bridal shower.   This is because it would be self-serving, i.e. asking for gifts for your daughter.

Often, the mother of the bride feels compelled to host the shower if the bridesmaids are unable or unwilling to do it and there is no other friend or family member who will take on the responsibility. If you feel this way, do try to host the shower from behind the scenes. You can put your phone number for the RSVP, but don't list yourself as a hostess. You can do most of the preparation and funding, but let one or more of the bridal party have the"hostess" title.

It might be that no one in the bridal party wants to take on the full responsibility, but that some would be willing to help you with a chore or two. I would suggest that you call the women in the bridal party and tell them that you are planning a bridal shower and that you would like to know if they would like to participate. Give them a suggestion of what you mean by participating, such as " would you like to bring a salad?" or "would you be able to help me set up the buffet table?" If they know what is expected, you will be more likely to get a positive response. Treat those that give you a positive response as a "hostess", and list them that way on the bridal shower invitations.   Be polite and understanding to those who bow out.

From another website:

Showers are optional. It isn't something that has to be done.. This really should only be a gathering with those close to the bride, not the mother's friends. ...the main reason we would rather not see family involved is that is seems self serving--as if we are trying to get the most gifts for our family members.

Money-manners faux pas
Don't make these mistakes in spending, tipping, talking
By Kelli B. Grant, MarketWatch
Last Update: 7:59 PM ET Feb. 6, 2005

NEW YORK (MarketWatch) -- For many people, "etiquette" seems to be all about things they won't need in everyday life: formal table settings and flatware placement, terms of address for invitations and proper deportment should one meet a person of high station.

But etiquette also covers polite and proper ways to save and spend your money. And unfortunately for the advancement of civilized society, we make money-manners mistakes every day.

We asked some of the nation's etiquette experts to share the faux pas that make them cringe:

Gift-giving

• Being too focused on value. The worth of a gift isn't always judged by money, says Peggy Post, spokeswoman for The Emily Post Institute and author of the new book, "Emily Post's Etiquette." "Try to figure out what the person would like, and don't get so hung up on the idea that you must spend X amount to make the gift worthwhile."
• Using special occasions to get gifts. Judith Martin, better known as "Miss Manners," receives hundred of letters about registries, for events from weddings and baby showers to birthdays and housewarmings. Victims write in to ask if they must buy from a registry, and extortionists ask for the most polite way to include "cash gifts only" on an invitation. (Instead of "Please RSVP," she advises they write "GGG" for "gimme, gimme, gimme.") You're under no obligation to buy from a registry, Martin says, especially if the items are pricey or you don't know the host well.
• Overspending on wedding gifts. Many people erroneously believe that you should be giving a gift equivalent to what the bride and groom spend per plate, says Jodi R. R. Smith, founder of the Boston-based etiquette consulting firm Mannersmith. Really, the gift should be based on two things: your budget and your relationship to the couple. Do what you can afford -- "Weddings are not fundraisers, invitations are not invoices," she says.
• Giving with ulterior motives. Don't make a donation simply because it looks good on your résumé, or take someone out to lunch with the idea that he or she will then help you out in some way, says Alinda Lewris, president and CEO of the International Association of Protocol Consultants. "Money should be used generously within your means and, when offered, there shouldn't be an expectation for a return."

Out on the town

• Hurrying to reciprocate a dinner invitation or gift. This gives the other person the impression that he or she has created an imbalance in our relationship that we feel the need to correct immediately, says P.M. Forni, co-founder of the John Hopkins Civility Project and author of "Choosing Civility: The 25 Rules of Considerate Conduct." "Rushing turns it into the taking care of an obligation or a chore," he says. "It's not a civil and graceful act of reciprocity."
• Being insensitive to others' financial situations. When you go out to eat with other people, says Smith, don't assume the bill will be split equally. It's much fairer to split the bill by what was ordered, or ask for separate checks. Restaurants are usually willing to split checks because they are more likely to tip adequately. This also helps lower-income friends stay cool.
• Overspending someone else's money. Businesspeople take clients to lunch on their bosses' ticket, never thinking about how to do it properly, says Letitia Baldrige, former Chief of Staff for Jacqueline Kennedy and author of "Letitia Baldrige's Guide to New Manners for New Times." Don't take clients to the most expensive restaurants; choose good ones that cost a little less. "This shows respect to your boss and your guest," she says. If you're the guest, order inexpensively and don't get extra courses unless everyone else does.

Tips and gratuities

• Tipping way off base. Post says this can include not tipping at all, not understanding the correct way or amount to tip, or being condescending about it to a service person. It doesn't matter if you don't like the practice, or think it is degrading -- "Tipping is something that's part of our culture, it's here to stay," she says. If you're not sure when to tip, or how much is appropriate, do your research in advance. The business owner is usually a good source of information, as he or she generally does not receive tips.
• Not giving end-of-the-year tips. "Some people who use personal services get to the end of the year and they're aghast that they have to give a tip," says Smith. Year-end tips should be given to service people you regularly encounter, such as your babysitter, apartment superintendent, housekeeper or hair stylist. You should base the amount on your tip on what you usually pay per week, visit, etc. For example, if you typically pay your housekeeper $100 per week, you should tip at least $100. However, the amount can vary widely depending on where you live, so get advice from your neighbors or other patrons.

Social situations

• Talking about money. It's a bore to have to listen to people "who fixate on 'how much this costs, how much that costs' in general conversation," says Post. (Exempt from this faux pas are stockbrokers and other businesspeople -- as long as they're talking about work.)
• Giving stock tips. "You have too much influence over people when you talk about what stocks you're buying," says Baldrige You could cause someone to lose a fortune.
• Being flashy with money. "This is throwing out those dollar bills and being overtly obvious," Post explains, "such as flashing that crisp $20 bill to the maitre de to try and get a good table."
• Putting up a front if you're in financial trouble. Be frank about it, instead of spending the same ways you always have, Baldrige says. Look at your finances closely and do what's appropriate. "Admitting you're having a tough time is always better than trying to act as if things are terrific," she says.

But the worst etiquette money mistake is one that everyone makes, say the experts. At one time or another, we all ask nosy questions about money.

The etiquette of asking money questions has evolved over the years, says Forni. "The Victorians thought that any kind of personal question could be perceived as intrusive," he says. "Books of etiquette used to say, ask not 'How is your husband?' but 'I trust that your husband is well.'

"Now we are more tolerant, we live in the age of total disclosure. However, when it comes to personal questions, certain rules of discretion are still in effect. We are so used to hearing the expression, 'Don't hesitate to ask.' When it comes to money, do hesitate to ask."

Dorothea Johnson, founder and director of the Protocol School of Washington, says there are specific topics you should avoid, no matter how well you know someone:

• His or her salary, assets, investments or yearly bonus
• How much one paid for their car, watch or any possession
• How much one paid for their house, and the size of their mortgage
• Divorce terms
• Child support
• How much their vacation cost

"Avoid blatant conversation about money with people you don't know," Johnson says. "It's really none of their business. Of course, one cannot say to someone 'it's none of your business.'"

Appropriate responses

So what should you do if you're on the receiving end of such a question?

First, don't feel pressured to answer, Forni says. "We feel guilty if we don't answer, but it's not as if we take away information to which others are entitled if we don't play the game."

If you're stuck for an answer, deflect. "Say, 'You know, I just can't remember,'" Johnson says.

Gently lead the person away from the subject with a joke, says Post - "How much do I make? Well, my boss thinks it's enough. How much did I pay for that? I broke the bank."

Give more of a vague answer, such as offering a salary range for your profession instead of revealing how much you make. "You can answer the question without telling them the answer," Smith says. "Acknowledge the question, but don't necessarily answer it."

You might also hearken back to the days when money wasn't talked about. Baldrige recalls a friend's answer to a nosy money query. "Do you think Greta Garbo would have given an answer to a question like that?"

1) Shaking hands as if yours is a cold, limp fish. First impressions are important; handshakes should command respect and be firm.

2) Not responding to an invitation in a timely manner, yes or no. It's not polite to keep the hosts or caterers guessing whether you're coming.

3) Not sending a thank-you note within 24 hours of attending a party or receiving a gift. It's common courtesy and gracious behavior.

4) Making a toast that is really a roast - too long, too revealing or too personal. Guests don't need to know all about a bridegroom's ex-girlfriend or the time he tied one on. Grotts recommends three B's: Begin, be brief and be seated.

5) Asking someone to a lunch (or dinner) and then trying to split the bill. Inviting a guest to lunch carries the responsibility of picking up the tab. Suggest menu items in a variety of prices, so your guest knows that your hospitality has no limits. The host must order the same number of courses as the guest, so there is balance in the meal.

"Good manners don't cost a dime," says Grotts, "but bad ones may be very costly."

The "no gifts" thing is tricky, because it might be interpreted as "we want money instead". And no matter how you phrase it, people will still feel compelled to give you gifts, either because they love you so much they just can't help themselves, or because they fear that others will disobey the rule and they'll be the only ones without a gift.....What I'd do in your situation is let my guests know through the gravevine that [I don't expect gifts or that] I'd prefer simple inexpensive gifts..and hope for the best."