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Interests: calories, food, weight loss, fashion, music, books, magazines, animals, having lots of friends, talking on the phone, watching tv, going out with friends, experimenting with my hair, being a shopping maniac, car tuning, i drive a sports car and am mad about fast sport cars, my boyfriend (last but not least)
Expertise: eating disorders
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|THANK YOU. your words mean so much to me in this confused and dazed state of mind and your comments which have not ceased even though ive been absent for way too long just go to show that there can be real caring, friendship and understanding on the internet, no matter what some ppl say. god bless you all for your kindness.|
|i have debated... long and hard... whether to post... ever again... and im doing this only because im touched by your comments which havent stopped in spite of my long absence and i just feel the need to tell you all how much i appreciate them and how much you mean to me... forgive me... its just too hard to post and comment every day and not have anything worthwhile to say, cuz all i could say now would sound pathetic, sobby and lame... but i hope you beleive me when i say... im deep in the throes of depression and i cant see the light... theres no way out... i dont know what to do anymore... well, these are the kinds of sentences that could fill everydays posts so i will not post... to quit the sad tale that is my life, apart from being majorly depressed and suicidal, ive gained.. which is enough to send me into hysterics every time i think of it... you see, it was a sort of attempt to recover which backfired horribly and now the number on my scale is so horrible that its a wonder im still alive to write this... and the biggest screw up of all? my metabolism is so fucked up that ive been dropping approx. 2-3 pounds a week which is silly, once, i could drop up to , the slow process is excrutiating, but i will not give up. aside from that, ive started exercising at the gym regularly, every day for at least 2 hours, its been probably three weeks now since i started and im really disciplined, but the results (if there will be any) are really slow in coming. im dying inside, constantly on the verge of tears, topday i even cried at the gym, something i never allow myself to do in public no matter how bad i feel... but ive been feeling worse and worse and the tears will not be stopped anymore... i dont know what to eat anymore, im aware i must ea something or i will pass out in the gym but ive grown to loathe all food and when i do eat, i just switch off and gulp, not knowing what it is that im eating... then, sometimes i do get cravings and would love to stuff my face and just die... but i cant, i mustnt.... i have to be sickly thin... but its not happening, it will never happen and i just cant take it anymore... im even jealous of my best friend and the way she looks and what she eats... i knoe, im a horrible person. i got a kitty for my birthday, the only thing keeping me sane, bcz i know he has to be fed, taken care of and so on... please, please, dont comment on this, this is just to let you know im alive(or at least i think so) and not to make you feel like you should say something, what is there to say at all? i hope you all are doing great, or as great as possible, and plesase, always remember, i love you all deeply. i will post again when i can.|
im back, just couldnt stay away for too long. if youre wondering what ive been doing this last week, nothin. starving and let me tell you, with no scale to check my progress i have no idea where i stand. but i will not weigh in no matter what, im officially through with the scale. the most scary thing is, i need to not eat to be able to function normally, its been so long since it was all about losing weight and reaching a goal. now, i have no goals, there is only one, starve in order not to go crazy and end up killing myself cuz i ate.
i have a shitload of exams so ive got practically no time to do anything else but study. i celerated my birthday last week with a major party. university is finally over, now i just have to pass those exams and get my diploma, thank god! i had my graduation party. im not pregnant. i no longer have a boyfriend. do you see how all this means nothing to me? i dont care about anything anymore. constant depression is the only thing i know now. im getting nowhere and yet i still contnue to starve, punish myself, knowing ill never be happy. no idea what my cw is. my clothes keep fitting more or less the same, maybe a bit loser... i dont know anymore, i cant see myself properly. and the comments have stopped which means i look the same. is it possible to reach a weight and be unable to drop below it? i dont know. and i dont care. actally i do care but im just too sick of this all to bother about anything.
i love you all and forgive my lack of presence and absence of comments, i hope ill be back to my old self soon...ever... whatever....
|just a quick one to let you all know im not dead or anything... im just not myself. i want out! but at the same time i dont want out. you know what i mean. im sick of never having any other thought than food and what ive eaten or shouldnt have eaten or should eat or should not eat. i cant stand it anymore. and i cant stand the fact that whether i binge or starve its all the same, ive been the same for far too long and i cant get any pounds to drop. of course i dont wegh myself but my clothes would tell if there was a difference. ive been letting myself eat and then punishing myself brutally and viciously and then all over again, i want something drastic right now, tomorrow i will be content to let it all slide and say what the hell, ill never look good enough to make me happy. im sick. sick. sick. sick. i cant take it anymore. im utterly wretched and depressed. and to top it all off my periods late and since im on the pill i pray its not what i think it is because i do not know what i will do. bring up a child with this fucked up mindset? abort it? what? and if someone says its from restricting i will laugh. bitterly. because i havent been strict enough to induce that and it would be a cruel joke if my body were really reacting to my fucked up eating that way. so im very sorry but im in no shape to comment or write or do anything, or even be here. i love you all very much and apologize, i will be back or not. i dont know anything right now. i just know im sick of it all.|
|im in this weird phase, im not depressed and not as obsessive as i was say 2 weeks ago, im not weighing myslef and thats the thing thats making me feel so much better, i am no longer a slave to the scale and it feels good. in fact ive taken it up to the attic so it wont be around to make me think that maybe i should step on it and see what it says, and its working, im just using my jeans to tell me if theres any difference. well, according to them, theres maybe a tiny difference but ive been getting some pretty rude comments these days which i dont know by what they were brought on, like form my friends parents that im all skin and bones and from some of my friends at uni (well, theyre not really friends friends but you know...) and every one of them is so... aggressive, like, youre too skinny, what are you doing.... wtf?! and im all like, nothing, really nothing, im eating normal so i dopont know how come the weight loss. liar. but my point is, i dont see a drastic change which could explain those comments and reactions, know what i mean? i dont see my jeans exactly falling off my which could explain and justify al those comments. am i so sick that i cant see myself properly anymore? wait, that was a stupid question! of course i am, i could never see myself properly, but this time, i see that im thinner than i once was, but i dont see this drastic change thats making everyone comment. my best male friend (who knows all and means well) has said that my thighs are on the verge of turning into sticks and losing that feminine shape. good! thats what i want them to look like! and hes also said that hes really worried, been so for a long time and that ive become way too serios, withdrawn, moody and lost all interests besides counting cals and thinking about my weight and food. and you knwo what? i didnt like hearing it, i didnt know the change in me has become so visible. he says hes been seeing it for the last year or so and hes just helpless cuz hes watching me sink deeper and deeper into this and doesnt know how to help.... im sorry he feels sad about me, cuz theres nothing i can do about this anymore, its my life. but as i said earlier, im trying not to be too obsessive right now, i even ate something last night, which i try never to do, and it was.... a piece of pizza. i woke up this morning hungrier than ive been in a long time with my stomach glued to my spine so i guess the pizza just went though me (which would also explain the frequent trips to the bathroom last night...:)) today im only eating veggies and fish for lunch. thats all. saturday has always been a good day for me, cuz i cant remember the last time i ate something other than lunch that day. i hope youll all have a great weekend! mines gonna be pretty boring by the looks of it so far, but well see..... i love you all so much!|