So, wow, God's been doing a lot with me the past few weeks... it's been simply amazing. He's revealed Himself to me in so many ways & I've... well, really this chapter from Red Moon Rising pretty much sums it all up... I "happened to" read it on Sunday morning when I felt like serious God time was necessary about a decision I needed to make... I know I've typed up A LOT from this book - but really if you have time, I suggest you read it all the way through. There's so much truth in it! I've underlined parts that made my heart beat a lil faster & for me to say either "yes! exactly" or "oooohhhh"... I was going through #3 & 4 on Sunday... may God bless you as He did me as you take it in:
Chapter 3 – Taking Jericho
Despite the healthy state of the Church, invitations to preach all over the world, my growing family, and the fact that we lived in a really pleasant Southern English town, I was deeply restless. My journal entry on July 2, 1999, captures what was going through my mind & troubling my heart.
July 2
Okay, Lord, this is it. Here in the middle of the night, I’ve finally reached the end of a long road with nowhere left to turn but to prayer. It occurs to me that for maybe 2 years You’ve been trying to get my attention & I’m so incredibly slow-witted or perhaps hard-hearted that I’ve done most things other than really stop & listen to you for the next step in my life. Outwardly the course of my life is set. But inwardly I am profoundly restless and I feel far from you.
There is no risk left & I am scared of settling for this.
Trouble is, everything’s going great! It would be easy to miss my life a day at a time. It’s all become too easy, too predictable, too safe, too sensible, & I feel like I’m just dying spiritually. Everything is going really well on the surface. On this crazy Christian circuit I guess, I’ve got a job for life if I want it: Pastoring, speaking, planting churches, all the Yoda-for-Jesus stuff. But that was never what I wanted. What I wanted - what I want - is You. To know beyond doubt that I am seizing the moment, sucking the marrow from each day, right at the center of your plan… That is why I moved here from London. It was like jumping in the white water clinging to the raft for dear life. And yet somehow it’s brought me to this slow, serene tributary. Why do I miss the white-knuckle ride? I guess those were the times I felt alive, clinging to you for dear life. So I’ve got nowhere left to go, but to get down on my knees and wait for you to speak.
The one thing that I do know is that if I don’t learn to truly hear your voice for myself and follow it diligently regardless of what others say, I could feel like a fraud for the rest of my life.
“Nowhere left to turn but prayer… white-water ride… all I want is you.” Many of these comments are ironic, even funny, with hindsight. But these were important times; God was preparing my heart for the adventure that lay ahead. Augustine once said that God puts salt on our tongues that we may thirst for Him. Sometimes it is tears which carry the salt.
Finding answers in times of turmoil takes time. First we must find and formulate the questions. And before that we must simply face the pain. The godless philosopher Nietzsche wrote: “The essential thing in heaven and earth is… that there should be long obedience in the same direction; there thereby results, and has always resulted in the long run, something which has made life worth living.”
We’re not good, I guess, at this “long obedience” thing. We want instant access everything – all our questions answered by return. But life is a journey with its own pace. There is often a process in God’s dealings with us that goes something like this:
1. Numb, dumb heart
The passage of time brings to every disciple the pounding of pleasure, pain, and sin. These conditions can imperceptibly harden our hearts, slow the arteries, and make once lithe muscles grow inflexible. We are generally unaware of this aging process, but God sees and cannot look away. He loves us too much and has called us to too much to allow us to settle for less than full spiritual health. At such times, the writer of Hebrews says that God “disciples us for our good, that we may share in his holiness” (Hebrews 12:10).
In order to call our independent minds and self-satisfied souls back to a place of spiritual intimacy and dependency, God must make our numb hearts begin to feel again. Through Scripture, circumstance – perhaps even through this book – He may begin to trouble & disturb your soul. Such feelings are not often associated with the Holy Spirit. They may be like the tingling ache in your mouth as the anesthetic wears off after dental surgery or the howling pain of greater loss. But there can be no movement in our lives until we are confronted with the reality of our current state.
This is the first stage, and for me it took the form of sleepless nights troubled by something I couldn’t define. This is a lonely time because you are feeling something you can’t explain – even to God.
2. Wrestling
Next comes the wrestling, trying to make sense of this inner turmoil, looking for words to describe what you are feeling. You may study Scripture, splurge in your journal, read books, write songs, go for walks, and try to pray, wondering why you’re weeping or waking or wondering about taking some crazy, counter-intuitive step. Of course God is watching all this new activity with delight, biding His time.
3. Waiting
When eventually God gives you words for the things that are troubling your heart (and I’ll say it again: this may take some time), things become easier. The internal storm calms, and you can talk at least with clarity to God and to others. The chaos has a pattern now. There may be no answers yet, but at least you have questions and you will throw these at the Almighty again and again. You no longer wrestle with yourself, but like Jacob, with God. This is the time of waiting and watching and can last years or mere minutes.
4. Blessing
Finally God steps in. The one who sowed these atomic seeds in your hard heart in the first place, the one who watched you cracking up and breaking down, the one who gently gave you the questions and waited and watched while you learned to pray, that same God now steps in to bless. A heart that was hard is now bruised and bleeding soft. An independent adult has become needy, humble, and poor in spirit. A self-sufficient child has succumbed to a hug. You have learned to need and to heed, to wait and to watch once again.
“And he said: ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven’”
(Matthew 18:3)
AND GOD SAID NOTHING
As I poured out my heart to God that summer, I had no idea that I was embarking on such a journey; I was unaware that I was walking through the steps outlined above on this “long obedience in the same direction.” All I knew for sure was that I was hungrier than ever for God, waiting for guidance, waiting for His fresh touch. Six days after that last journal entry, I was writing again:
July 8
That night was incredibly significant (July 2). I realize that I had come to a point of desperation and that I can honestly say my greatest desire in life is to know that God is with me. I set my faith toward this goal.
The truth of the matter is that I’d rather be unhappy and know that God is with me, than be happy, comfortable, and unsure of God’s presence.
I remember times gone by of incredible fulfillment and others of great unhappiness, but the single thread that holds them together is that I knew God was with me at the heart of it all. He was caught up in my decision-making on a daily basis and I felt truly alive. Right now by contrast I am technically happy but there is this underlying sense of dullness. I just spent a while in the mists of dawn on the Trundle [a local hill] looking for God, crying, trying to listen, being honest in a way that has to whisper.
Later Samie (his wife) asked me what God had said to me, and I replied “nothing.” God said nothing, & that’s okay, because I’m starting to wrestle for His presence again, & I’m prepared to wait. I feel like God is waiting to see if I’m waiting. If He just flooded in with answers and guidance right now, I would not have changed, I would not have learned to wait & trust without the answers, & without a road map for the future. So I’m kind of glad that God was silent, because I actually want to wait, I want to prove my metal to God; I don’t necessarily want ease & instant anything anymore.
I want to be different before I do anything different. So I’m waiting on God, & God is waiting for me to see if I’m really waiting for Him, & not just wanting things for Him. And as God and I eyeball each other in this way, I feel good. I feel alive & engaged with what matters, & I’m going to win this waiting game with God. | 
