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| “I do wish you luck
in your practicality but I will warn you: love is not something one can either
avoid or attract. It sweeps upon you unexpectedly, like a midsummer storm.” -
Madame
“Fate is a series of
random events, or seemingly random events, that culminate in a specific outcome.
In this case, you and I; I believe we are fated to be together. It is somehow
right. Even proper, as it were.” - Marcus
--------------------------- Anonymous stuff To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.
Love gives itself; it is not bought. | | |
| What is to be mine,
Is yet to be.
What is yet to be,
Needs to be.
But what needs to be,
Will be.
So I just have to wait. | | |
| Song: "One Last Cry" - Brian McKnight; "Officially Missing You" - Tamia; "Nan Ren Ni Ren (Man Woman)" - Valen Hsu
These past few days since my last entry, I've come across a lot of things in my life...not particularly big in any sense, but did inspire a thought or two about certain issues that i feel important. The next three topics are something (i'm embarrassed and find it kind of sad to admit) that i think about often when i'm 'bored'.
Friends
I'm going to connect two thoughts that i have together, in order to explain my perspective on this topic.
(1) Before people became friends, they were all strangers.
(2) One can be a place full of people, so packed that there isn't any room to move, but one could still feel very alone because they don't know anyone there; no familiar face around.
Isn't such a blessing to be given friends? I don't know about you, but for me, I believe in fate. All these things i hear about crossing paths with certain people in your life, and meeting people in your life that you are destined to meet, i personally believe in it. I read a quote once, about how "God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go" (anonymous). I feel that it's such a wonderful statement. Because it states how God has a role in one's life, but at the same time, one is also given the opportunity to 'take charge' of one's own life. However, one of the flaws i have is trusting too easily. I honestly can say (not sure if it's a good or bad thing) that i've never been exposed to too many hardships when it comes to the topic of 'Friends'. So i guess that explains why i'm able to be friendly to people who i don't know. I'm always up for meeting new people, and just think that 'gee, this person is cool, we are compatible, we have similar interests or we can just click and talk and have fun. i think we will get along great. i can tell this person my little problems, and trust that this person will watch out for me'. so far, this kind of naive (and probably rash to some of you readers) way of thinking hasn't proved itself wrong. However, i've come to realize lately that, this isn't the train of thought that goes through the mind of the people who i meet, and sadly to say, through the minds of the people who i call 'friend'. yeah, there are some people who's feelings towards me are mutual, but not too many (though i'm very thankful that i have some).
This topic isn't a whole life story about how someone backstabbed me, trashed talked about me, or harmed me (thank God for his guidance and protection). No, this is basically a reflection on my recent realization as i slowly, i guess, 'turn the page' to a new chapter in my life..(as i begin my 2nd year at college in a few more days). So this is how it goes.
I've come to realize recently that, some friends can never be more than people that you just hang out with and have fun together doing crazy stuff or partying or etc..while there are others that you just talk to, have meaningful and deep conversations that are pretty personal.
Based on the group of friends that i hang out with and do things with, i can never feel that kind of connection whenever i think about the relationship that i have between me and my friend. and that makes me feel kind of lonely sometimes, and a bit sad. And the friends that i would talk to have pretty good conversations with, are people who i don't see (regardless of whatever reason). I sometimes feel like i have to force certain feelings. Don't get me wrong. I don't mean fake, i mean like..not exactly knowing how i'm feeling. i believe it's because i over think things, over analyze things, that i end up confusing myself.
but yeah. i just realized i wrote a whole bunch of nonsense. lol. and i bet that if you're reading up to here you must be thinking 'and the point you're trying to get at is...?' lol. well i'm getting to it. i guess i felt that i needed to explain myself..give you guys a 'brief' as to my situation, and why i think certain thoughts.
My point: So as many of you already know (and if you don't...sucks for you! jk :P), i'm a pretty 'bubbly', outgoing, friendly, happy-go-lucky kind of girl who's pretty energetic and just..positive/happy/bright (don't forget talkative :P). And it's because those assets that allowed me to meet the people i met, know the people i know, and befriend those who i call 'friend'. Regarding my first 'point', friends were all once strangers at one point in their life or another. So after i got past the 'stranger' stage, became an acquaintance, worked on building the relationship that i have established, i was able to call certain people my friends. I'm pretty sure many of you are familiar with these steps. But in my situation, sometimes i question, am i the only one working on these relationships? am i flying solo? are my feelings not mutual? Lately, (because i had some extra time on my hands) i began reflecting, and i don't know if i'm willing to allow myself to believe that the answer to my questions is 'yes'. Again, don't get me wrong. i don't mean this for all my relationships that i have with friends. there are only a few that have me thinking a little more lately.
People live their life everyday, doing different things, trying to reach different goals. Things change. I tell myself 'just because you've known this person during a particular part of each of your lifetimes, does not mean that things will forever stay like that'. each day, i go on Facebook, and i see all those different lives that people are living out. in a way, i wanted to be part of their life. but i can't for some reason.
i don't' know what to say. so many thoughts. desperately trying to type fast enough to follow my train of thought.
-i know a lot of people. even call a lot of them 'friends' when they really should be considered 'acquaintance' despite the fact that at some point in time, there was good times shared. one cannot be friends with everyone in the world. just way too much things going on in every person's life. one needs to learn how to be 'selective', picking the ones that one feels is 'worth' the time, money, and energy. I still need to learn how to do that.
-because by calling everyone who i have shared good times with a 'friend', i have come to realize is pretty outrageous, and that i'm just washing out the word 'friend' and showing others that i do not understand the definition of 'friend'.
-the other day, i saw pictures of a friend (who happens to be a guy), with lovey-dovey pictures of him and this other girl. now, this isn't a paragraph dedicated to ranting. at least that's not my intentions at all. what i want to say is that...as i was clicking through the picture, this sharp feeling of..'unable-to-breath' went through me. I mean, two thoughts that went through my head (though i know that assumptions aren't always correct) based on the pictures and the messages that i got from them, was that my guy friend got a girlfriend. And that he had no intention of sharing the news (but if he didn't why did he allow himself to be tagged in these pictures?). So here i was, sitting there..feeling betrayed in a way. i've always felt that my guy friend and i was close. we spend time hanging out together and our other really good friend, and we talk from time to time. but like i was saying earlier..i think it was all one-sided. i've realized that i'm the one that's usually doing the talking. my guy friend never really shares anything as much as me about himself with me. i felt cheated and been done wrong to. like eww! i felt like i've put so much effort into a relationship and it doesn't bear any fruit! okay. i'm going to stop myself here. i can keep on going. but i feel that it's unnecessary. luckily, i saw the pictures before i went to sleep, so the next morning when i woke up, i felt more refreshed and was able to look at the situation from a different perspective. my friend has always been pretty impersonal with many things, and keeping a lot of things to himself. that's just something about him. and now the decision lies with me; whether i want to continue a relationship with another person like this, where i know absolutely nothing about the other person, yet someone who i'm able to telling my problems to, and hang out. now that i've written it all out, i guess i've realized that the fault lies with me; for expecting my guy friend to be a kind of friend who i'm constantly trying to look for, a friend who is both someone who i can hang out and do fun things with, and also someone who i can have deep, intellectual, and meaningful conversations with.
wholey crap that was long!! lol
ugh. i'm going to wrap it up for this topic. People were once strangers before they became friends. What i fear most is when people who were once friends, become strangers once again. I mean, can you imagine, being at a place where it's very crowded, room full of people, yet you still feel very alone because you don't know anyone. And then you spot somebody across the room, a familiar face, familiar enough to remember all those good times you guys had sometime in the past, but only to realize that you guys aren't tight like that anymore. that this familiar face is attached to a person who is a complete stranger now, someone you know absolutely nothing about anymore. and so once again, you are all alone in a room full of people..
one of my greatest fear. loneliness.
Guys
So i was at this BBQ hosted by a family friend recently. My dad's friend's daughter is 10 years my senior. She got married recently, and is currently pregnant with her first son. Just seeing at these annual functions hosted by her dad, i realize that time is really going. because just seeing her older, and knowing that she's getting on with her life, i think about myself. yeah, my life is going too. but because i live it everyday, i don't notice the difference. each accomplishments i achieve or goals i reach from day to day, can seem like a big thing to others if they were to see me from time to time. but to me, i don't actually see it as a 'big thing' i just think of it as 'another day'. but yeah, i'm writing off tangent here. alright, so at this BBQ, i had the opportunity to talk with the daughter, and she asked if my sisters and i have a boyfriend or a love interest in anyone currently, and we all responded 'no'. and then i said that i'll probably be in a situation like her husband, and probably just date one person in my life, and that person happens to be 'the one' and we end up marrying. it sounds all fun, games, and jokes. but sometimes i seriously consider that as a situation that would happen to me. considering the fact that i haven't really found guy to get serious with yet. maybe i'm just a 'late bloomer'. i don't know. sometimes i like my status, being single and everything, i have no obligations to anyone. not responsible for anything, and can be carefree and be flirty without shame. but at times, i look at certain guys, and i'm thinking..'he's a good candidate to be my bf'. but it's always been just a thought. never following through with the idea. maybe it's because i'm not confident enough to pursue this prospective love life, maybe it just isn't the right time, maybe i'm not ready yet, maybe he's really not my type, and maybe there are lots of other reasons, explanations, and excuses. Point is, i'm single and have not experience a long-term serious relationship yet. And at this BBQ, the daughter of the host was telling my sisters and i (but more to me) about how a girl shouldn't experience one serious relationship and then 'tie the knot' right after. That she should try different kinds, but not go crazy with it either. She warned that, with each failed relationship, is time lost to be able to find 'the one'. I see her reasoning, and agree with her logic. I sometimes see that there are so many kinds to pick from, that i don't' know which one to pick; but it's not like i'm being offered either..(however, that can be a matter of opinion by others). i recently met somebody who is my ideal. my type of guy. but the chemistry isn't there. some of my girlfriends say that 'these things take time' to build and such, so i guess you can so i'm hopeful? but i don't know..i'm kind of slow about certain things actually; i need like a big sign of some sort..or a big 'shock' to really 'know'. that's why i'm still waiting for my 'shock'. still, i'm learning not to be so naive. as i get older, i learn more. i don't know. everything is so confusing.
Romantic Relationships
Today, i read a note on facebook written by someone who i have known few years ago, about a pair of newly-weds, literally married for 5 days, and then have to separate again, after facing several years of hardships to be able to start a relationship with each other in the first place.
I don't want to elaborate on the situation because it's not my story to tell. But after reading this note, i thought about love, but with a different kind of perspective about it now.
To wait one's whole life, looking for that 'special someone', the person who feels the same way about you as you do about them. And to find that person, only to have to face a lot of challenges and go through a lot of tests. But in the end, both was able withstand all those hardships together. And the two of you was finally able to declare to the world, Heaven, and earth that you two will be together as one; just like those fairytale endings. But life don't end just after getting married. Again, people are thrown back into the ferocious game of 'Life'. And once again, people have to battle hardships after that moment of bliss which could have been a lot longer. It really isn't my story to tell, since i don't know what life has in store for me in the future. But considering what i found out recently, i want to write about my own perspective and my own feelings if something similar were to happen to me in the future; the saying 'learn from your elders' applies here. If my husband was ever taken away from me just a few short days after the day we vowed to love each other till death, everything would have seemed so short, so unfair.
But i know that this is just my near-sighted perception on this situation. I know as i get older, as i understand a little bit more about this harsh game called 'life', i will understand things a little better. until then, the situation which i just described (despite my attempts to obtain anonymity) is a real life situation, however, the person who has to go through this, his words struck across me loud, clear, and true. his perspectives about the whole situation really opens my eyes to see the 'bigger picture'; helped me become more far-sighted.
bottom line: it's better to have loved than to have never loved at all. Don't hold yourself back from Love because of the fear that one day you might lose it. Instead, embrace love, and be thankful that you were able to experience such a precious gift in the first place. A whole lifetime of pain is worth it even if it's just for a few moments of Love.
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| Listening: "Endless Road" - JJ Lin; “Now That She’s Gone” – JJ Lin (sappy heartbroken love songs calms me, despite the fact that the lyrics are so sad)
Mood: Peaceful, Calm, Reflecting
Tada, I’m finally writing my first entry on xanga after about…several months of absence.
It seems like it’s been a long time since my last real entry on how things have been going on in my life. I’m actually writing this while I’m at the office in Connecticut. For those who don’t know why I’m in Connecticut, ever since last Sept. my dad opened up a warehouse/office in Connecticut last fall, and sends me up to here to work whenever I’m off from school…blah blah blah… I do not feel that it’s necessary to write down all the technicalities of my situation. I’ve already repeated them more than several times to different people in the past, and I find that everytime I repeat my situation, I despise the situation that I’m put in, even though it isn’t as bad as when I’m describing my situation.
Okay. That was like talking in circles (a talent :]). Basically, I titled my weblog entry ‘Last Day’ because today will be the last day I’m working in the office after a whole 2 months and a half right after I finished my first year of college.
As I’m writing this, I feel so frustrated. So many things to talk about yet, I’m not in the mood to talk about them, partically because I’m at the office, in a work area, not in the zone to pour out every personal thought on the computer. My manager or co-worker could just interrupt me when I’m in a smooth train of thought, and all those good ideas could disappear just like that.
But yeah. I’m just pretty happy that today is the last day. School finished around late May, and then I was working in CT for about 2 weeks before my trip to China during the month of June. When I came back, I worked the whole month of July without much ‘short weeks’ (4 days a week). August came around, I started my driving lessons, got them scheduled mostly on Fridays, so I was able to get three Fridays off. I mean, I don’t mind working. I’m a pretty hard worker, and when I put my efforts into something, I come up with pretty successful complete ‘mini-projects’. It’s just that after working for about a month or two…mainly faxing fliers (that I created) of the products that the company sells to prospective customers, I get bored after a while. But not having as much free time as I planned when school ended, I have come to value my free time at night and on weekends a lot more than I ever thought I could. I made sure I had plans each day that I was free. It gives me something to look forward to at the beginning of each week, and makes me appreciate my free time and the plans I made with friends even more than when I usually would have if I had a lot of free time on my hands.
During the month of June while I was in China, I didn’t find myself lonely (because I went to China by myself, staying with elderly relatives), but I did find myself missing the company of my sisters. We went to China for two consecutive years as our summer break during my years at Halsey (middle school). Those were the years that marked a lot of change in my life. My dad and my mom both lost a parent, (my sisters and I lost grandparents), both of them either argued with each other, or with/about neighbors, parents ended up separating for a while (moving took place while my sisters and I were in China), and probably plenty more. And before the trip to China, I don’t think I ever really cared about them in the way or as much as I do now, years after those 4 months that we spent together in China. How should I put it? I guess I can say that they matter to me now than they did before. One our first summer to China, it was pretty hard, not knowing much mandarin, living with caretakers who were really distant relatives. We had to depend on each other basically, or they learned that they need to depend, trust, and ‘know whose boss’ (lol). The second summer we went back, it was a little better, because we were with relatives that we were able to talk with a little more. My sisters and I shared many moments together during our time in China. So I guess that was something I realized I have come to miss when I traveled there again this summer after several summer breaks spent in the U.S. I also wanted to have a friend or a peer to hang out with when I was over there. My cousin was 15 years older than me, so she was mostly busy working a lot. My elderly relatives, well, like I said, elderly. They were still pretty healthy for elderlies in their late 60’s, but still; different generation, different interests, different levels of energy. I didn’t feel right dragging them to all the ‘young, and hip’, overcrowded, loud, and busy areas. I could handle it, but I didn’t want them to get hurt trying to watch over my safety (they didn’t let me go out on my own as much as I wanted to since I was still young, in a foreign country that I wasn’t familiar with, plus, it was always almost raining or threatening to rain...i didn’t have my rainboots..and me being all girly and stuff, I really didn’t want to mess up my shoes that I have brought with me any more that I did already). But not going out as much as I wanted to, I was able to spend more time with my relatives. Like I mentioned several times already, they are aging as much as I am getting older each year. And I am old enough to understand the cycle of life, and how it works; pretty soon, my relatives would pass away, and I would hate to not get to know them more, learn from them, and absorb as much as I can, the knowledge which they have gained over the lifetime.
I stand behind the saying “You never know what you had until it’s gone.” Recently, my mother’s younger brother’s wife (my aunt)’s mother, got lost in Chinatown. She has amnesia, so it was pretty serious case that affected my aunt, with her mother lost, and roaming around the streets like that a night, of all the time in a day. (My aunt’s mother was found the next day, and admitted into a hospital. I’m not sure if she’s kept there because she’s in a coma, or kept there for further physical/health surveillance). The news of this incident brought several thoughts into my head when I first heard it, and when I thought about it a little bit afterwards.
Amnesia
One of several horrific health issues that can possibly present itself as one age later on in their lifetime. It would be such a sad thing, for anyone to lose their memories of all the good times they had experienced in life; to forget all those you love, to see them as strangers, to not know who you are, to not know where you are, to not know how to do anything. The brain is such a fascinating object, so delicate, and possesses a lot of unknown secrets that physicians, surgeons, and neurosurgeons have yet to figure out or even realize that they exist. I would hate for my parents to lose their memory as they age towards the bigger numbers; to not recognize who my sisters and I are, or worse, to forget who we are and believe us to be some stranger that is a threat to their well-being, therefore, is frightened of us . That’s one of my fears about this mental disorder. I remember in The Notebook, Allie had amnesia when she was older…always gets me all teary, that movie. :]
I have a very vague childhood memory of my grandfather (on my mother’s side) undergoing some surgery…i believe to remove a tumor that formed in the brain…I don’t remember, I was very young. But something that I do remember very vaguely was that, my grandfather lost his memory for a while. The period before my grandfather passed away is all very blurry, and I’m happy in a way that my grandfather passed away because he as suffering a lot towards the end of his life due to all these health issues.
Grandmother (from my mom’s side)
My grandmother probably suffered a lot, emotionally, seeing her husband suffer like that, through surgery, and to go through with it safely, but ending up forgetting who she was. I would have felt like I was stabbed in the heart if my husband, someone who i would vow to love with all my heart, was to forget who he was, forget that he was the man that made the same vows to me, forget all those precious moments we had together, to forget that he loved me. I mean, of course I don’t know what really happened back then when my grandfather had the surgery, and what happened afterwards. I was young, and like I said earlier…my memories are blurry. My grandmother never really talked about those dark times in her life, and she never really talked much about how her marriage with my grandfather was and came to be, but I can feel that they loved each other. They are probably the traditional conservative Chinese couples. But yeah, I’m not really here to talk about my grandparents, but rather, what happened during the time that my aunt’s mother was lost and my aunt went out to look for her. My aunt and uncle have a son about 10 years old and a toddler about a year and a half years old. So with the mother out looking for her mother, and my uncle having to work in Brooklyn the next day, and my younger cousin going to summer school, my grandmother had to go over to my cousin’s place to watch over the toddler (luckily, my uncle moved from just a few blocks down from where I live about a few years ago). And with my grandmother babysitting till the evening, it was weird to have dinner upstairs instead of downstairs in my grandmother’s living quarters. (It’s a complicated arrangement but just work with me). So having dinner without her, made me picture a day where my grandmother will also be gone from this world (hopefully peacefully and content). This ultimately brings me back to the first sentence said at the beginning of this topic. “You never know what you had until it’s gone.” I mean, despite the fact that I don’t spend as much time with my grandmother, that sometimes our views are different, I would miss her dearly, because she’s an asset that makes my life so much more wonderful. (I don’t think I can elaborate feelings, so I’m just going to end it here.)
Wow, I wrote a lot. I should be going on my lunch break, but I’m not hungry yet. (1:40pm)
Came back from faxing some more (1:50pm)
So yeah, what should I write about next. College? Friends? (brainstorming) Driving? Guys? So many things to write about.
Should I save it for next time? Should I write it all in one sitting? (You know it’s possible. For those who know me in person, you know that I talk a lot…and those who know me online, I type 10x faster. Lol)
I think I’ll try to tackle everything in one sitting. Since it’s my last day, and I’m only faxing, and faxing. If I try to stay off facebook, then I might be to. Facebook has become such an addictive activity. It’s like..an innocent way to poking your nose into everyone’s business. But who came blame you; it’s people’s fault for posting things up for the whole world to see. If they weren’t intending that, then they should either restrict and put limits on who can or cannot see their things.
Anyways…..Lunch
College
I’m not sure how many times I’ve written about it already. But I’m looking forward to another year of eventful, busy, and tiring activities. Looking forward to meet some more new people, get to know more about the ones I have met last year, and hang out with my cousin (who is entering this Fall semester) along with Teresa (transfer :]). Look forward towards Tiffany (ex.roommate from fall semester). visiting me at school, with food from her dad! <3 Looking forward towards fun parties, and also another year where I can learn a lot about myself, about people, about life. Learn a lot of new things academically. Test myself and my limits. I’m genuinely excited about the upcoming year. Plus, I just love the whole process of unpacking my stuff from last year, repacking the things I will need, buy more stuff for the school year, and move into the dorm. And at school, I’ll get back my freedom to go out whenever I want, to stay out late or go party at night. But I look forward towards my independence more and just feeling older, hanging out with friends, and just experiencing/learning.
The topic on Friends, Driving, and Guys will be written some other time. Need to head home from Connecticut. Uncle Mike/my manager was training me on how to make turns with more confidence, and then I was helping out a little to finish up installing the hot water system with solar power etc..
If you read this far…Congratulations!
Now you better go take a break, and not visit my weblog for like…a good 2 or 3 weeks, or rather, make it a month. Your eyes deserve a good rest. Plus, it gives me time to procrastinate and not write for a good while. :D Jkin.
Write to you again next time!
Jenn <3
:]
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| Hey Guys! I've been busy, but here I am now. :D | | |
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http://love-hq.net/music_/music/B44_-_Endlessly.mp3
http://www.filelodge.com/files/room11/262619/Lara%20-%20Come%20A%20Little%20Closer.mp3
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