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Bird's Gotta Fly, Fishes Gotta Swim, Bitches Gotta Bitch, I Gotta Shit

 So, I was online today for the first time in what...?...six months? And I started going through old posts and comments. God, I miss how life used to be. Before the wild partying, before the bad people that turned my life upside down, and before temptation turned me into a loser. But I have been clean now for those six months. I have kept the same job for those six months. I have been paying my bills off for six months. I took a college course (creative writing) and passed with an A. I even wrote some really good short stories, and would love to eventually put them all together and put out my first novel.

I met a man who I would call the best thing to happen to me in over a year. We started dating in early December and things are beginning to look somewhat serious. He is everything I've ever dreamed of in a person: intelligence, sarcasm, the ability to make me laugh without end, attractive, compassionate, shy, honest, and a winner. He's held the same job for two years and has potential without end - kinda like the old me before I left Aquila. He means so much to me and I think he's starting to get the clue.

I haven't suffered from a serious depression in months, which is odd because of my being bi-polar. My best friends now are my family - my sister Sarah, my cousin Nathan, his girlfriend Tausha, my cousin Kyle, my Dad, and the old stand-by, Adam. Adam went back to re-hab mid-November to December and he's doing really well now, too. I miss my old best friend Tiffany, but we've begun talking again (no thanks to my poor communication) and I look forward to seeing her more often.

I haven't been this happy in over a year. I've been to the top, I've hit rock bottom, and now I'm climbing back up. The climbing has no doubt been difficult, but finding I'm strong enough to overcome gives me that much more hope. The days are getting easier.

God exists. I'm living proof.

Back, and not ashamed of it.

Pam

Wow.

I think everyone's just a bit confused about what exactly Jessica and I did together, and what things I 'forced' on her.

Let me say, for the record, that I forced NOTHING on anyone.

Claudia and Derrick - you want the truth? Ask Jess for my number and give me a call. I will tell nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Hard to believe, but I'm clean now. It would have been easier to get through if my best friend hadn't been taken from me, but I can see why you'd want her away from me.

Since everyone is aware of my secrets now, I'll just put it out there on the table. I was into bad things for a while. I kept digging and digging and digging at the hole I was in. Then, I tried to commit suicide with sleeping pills. Obviously, I didn't die, but it sure as hell turned my life around. Been clean since.

I'm not perfect. Never claimed to be. But don't accuse me of 'forcing' shit on people - it wasn't the case.

Don't worry about me trying to contact her; it won't happen.

Apparently, you would both be faster to take away someone's best friend and their hope before you'd step in to offer help.

I just want you both to know the truth: I didn't force anyone into anything.

What's Done is Done.

I wrote a letter today that I had been contemplating for a couple of weeks.

I don't know if she will get the letter. I imagine I could use my xanga to get to message across, just in case.

Jessica,

I miss you like hell. I think about you a lot. Most of the time, I end up crying.

I remember that composition with Mrs. Fifer was the first class we had together. I remember that what got us to be friends was that you asked me for a ride home one day, and on the way home we bonded by making fun of Alanis Morrisette songs. I remember when Stefanie's royally fucked up your hair and it made you cry, but I tried like hell to make you feel better - and that was the first time you spent the night at my house. I remember the gross guy on the internet who had weird fetishes and he sent you a carton of newports. I remember you were the reason why I graduated at semester, because I didn't think I could face school without you. I remember project grad, brekkie for freakie, and 'Are ya ever gonna get on the road?' I remember getting my first tattoo and making you get Josh's number (however big of a mistake that was...). I remember the house of explosive farts. I remember breakfast at Bevan's with Tiffany.

I don't know if your warden deleted the email I sent you or not, but when I thoroughly thought it over, I decided to post it up here - because I'm sure you read this, and it's something he can't delete.

I just needed to tell you that you don't have to worry about giving me an explanation anymore. I will make it easy on all parties involved and let you know that I don't want to be friends anymore. I think about our friendship all the time, and more often than not, I cry. I have waited for months for an explanation or anything you'd throw my way - I even get happy and excited when I see that you use my quotes as an intro on your blog. How sad is that?

I've been hanging on for all the little scraps and pieces of communication you send me. In the end, it just makes me hurt more. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to let go.

I loved you like a sister.

Pam

It's been a little while since I've been online. Almost two weeks....?

Anyway, good things have happened.

1) I got enrolled in a college course (Thanks to my parents...) I am going to be taking creative writing this fall semester. I'm really excited about it, too.

2) I got a job. I work at a gas station in Lee's Summit now - not the best, but better than nothing, and it will pay the bills while I go to college.

Life is really starting to look up recently.

Anywho, more crap later.

"I gave him a popeye roundhouse asspunch." - Me

The check finally came yesterday, according to my father. I really want to look at the post mark and see if Don was full of shit about what day he sent it on.

Adam's birthday is today.

I'm not really sure what to type, so I'm going to use some unique therapy and just type what is running through my mind until I get out the things that need to escape. I feel hollow today, and I'm not really sure why. I think it's because I have shit to do today and I'm not getting much cooperation from other involved parties. That and the fact that I'm finally going home tonight so that I can wake up early tomorrow and go apply for a job that my dad thinks I will actually get. Does that sound cynical? I hope not. Because I really don't mean to be. It's just that I've been out of work for so damn long... I used to get jobs so easily, it seemed like. And I've been searching forever and only one place has actually called me back just for an interview... I feel hopeless, useless, and lost. What is my purpose? I'd like to think it's something more than ending up in someone's kitchen doing their fucking dishes.

I feel sick.

All this drama and hopelessness has shaken my faith to a crazy extent. If there is a God, where is He? Am I ever going to feel His presence again? Is prayer the answer? Because if I don't even feel His presence, how can I talk to Him? It feels like maybe He was never even there and all my good fortune was just good fortune.

Ugh.

I'm done.