The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage

Really Say It
Hinting, or as linguists call it, indirect communication, is a high-risk, low-gain strategy. Saying outright what you feel and want is generally more effective.

Say What You Want, Not What You Don’t Want
Saying what you don’t want may express your concerns, but it gives little indication of what you do want. Telling someone what you don’t want is like handing them a film negative instead of a color photograph. The negative has colors that are not to be included in the picture, leaving the viewer largely in the dark about how the picture will really look. Instead of giving your mate hard-to-read negatives, offer the positive, the actual picture of what you want.

Make Requests, Not Complaints
Complaints focus on the past, creating hopelessness, because the past cannot be changed. Requests specify what you would like. They focus on future behaviors, suggesting ways to improve on the present.

Complaints sometimes are disguised as questions. If you hear “Why can’t you…?” or “Why don’t you…?” be on alert. This pseudo question hides a complaint, sometimes like “You should have…”

Requests include a genuine question, something like, “Are you willing to do this thing that I would like?” A request can be accepted, turned down, or negotiated: “If you could_______ then sure I can.”

If you complain, your mate is likely to feel similarly criticized and discouraged. While your complaint may be a heartfelt attempt to “say it,” remaining negative needlessly stirs up bad feelings.

By identifying what would make you happy and what future action would please you, requests give your partner an opportunity to feel successful, to score positive points with you.

“The Golden Rule of Marriage” --  How to Stay Married Without Going Crazy

Years ago, almost a newly-wed, I got miffed by Don’s (my husband’s) lack of consideration for my feelings when he failed to call and let me know he was going to be late coming home. When he finally came in, I promptly let him know how I felt. He was so genuinely surprised by my reaction - he didn’t even get defensive.

“I don’t understand why you’re mad. I wouldn’t have been upset if you hadn’t called me,” he said.
I said, “I am upset whether you understand it or not.”
“I treat you like I expect to be treated,” he replied, becoming a little defensive and implying I thought that should be good enough.
“Well, don’t,” I shot back, “I’m not you.”
The Golden Rule of Marriage is different from the Biblical Golden Rule which advises us to treat (do unto) others as we would like to be treated (done unto). This doesn’t work in marriage because your partner isn’t you – which you’ll continually discover with delightful astonishment (hopefully).
The Golden Rule of Marriage is to treat your partner the way he/she tells you he/she wants to be treated. And hopefully, he/she will tell you. If not, you’re both in trouble.

Adopting the Golden Rule of Marriage requires some emotional attributes from each of you. You must be self-aware and know what you need and then be willing to tell our partner who must have the capacity to accept your instructions

“That’s ridiculous,” or “How in the world could you like/want that?” are two unwise responses. When your partner shares how he/she wants you to treat him/her, listen and don’t be critical or judgmental. Sharing what you want is taking a risk and needs to be respected. Reacting with shock, disbelief, and discounting remarks is not helpful in encouraging more risk taking.

Maggie said to Rob, “I need more affection from you.”
This was too general a statement, so I asked her to specify how she wanted Rob to be more affectionate.
He asked, “Do you want me to hug and kiss you more? Snuggle? Please tell me how to do this for you.”
“I want you to mow the yard,” she replied thoughtfully.
Rob looked at me, shaking his head, “How would I have ever figured that out?”
“You wouldn’t have,” I told him. “Maggie had to tell you.”

I love that story because it’s a wonderful example of how important it is that you know exactly what you need and be willing to tell your partner in specific, operational terms.

A good bit of the time, we don’t understand our own wiring, so we must not expect our partner to grasp this very complex emotional condition. This myth of “if you loved me, you’d know” persists, and I want you to give it up. Let it go. Hanging onto it diminishes your effectiveness and denies responsibility for taking care of yourself, which you have to do when you’re mature. And you know it takes mature people to be married.

Photoshoot

It was a very tiring & surreal day.

I spent 2.5 hrs doing makeup & hair (!! Can't imagine how early I have to wake up on AD..).. While eu was dozing off behind… quite comfortable with MUA cos I know he's good & I just let him do his thing w/o telling him much of what I want… quite pleased with the end results… wore falsies for the first time in my life!

Eu had his go at being powdered by MUA as well… haha… MUA did a funky hairstyle on him… I've never seen him more shuai than that :D he's always too lazy & can't be bothered to style his hair at all

We had 4 sets of costume change, my AD wedding & evening gowns, a cheongsam inspired dress and outdoor gown.. For every set of gown, I had makeup touch up & change of hairstyle… so just imagine the thickness of makeup on my face by the end of the day.. *horrors*

supposedly had the best photographer around for our PS… saw some shots & I'm quite impressed at how artistic they turned out… but overall the experience was really kind of awkard… I guess both of us aren't the really active/mischevious type… so when they asked us to be "creative" we really didn't know what to do!! Needed a lot of prompting to guide us along.. The weather that day was really sunny & hot .. Which means colours will turn out really nice in photos… but I'm quite sure my arms turned a shade darker from all that sun tanning!! went to fullerton & labrador park for our shots… there were quite a few tourists staring at us at fullerton & 1 guy even requested to take photos with us… felt like monkeys in the zoo!

At the end of the day, I told eu that I felt like the day simply flashed past… I suspect AD will be the same as well… 1+ yr of intensive preparation for just that short 24 hrs & *poof* its suddenly all over… seriously, wedding is not the end, but truly the beginning of our new lives together...

1 more week to photoshoot

there's like only 7 days left yet i'm feeling so terrible... my cold sore decided to erupt now after it has remained dormant for the past 15++ yrs *faint*... i hope the MUA can do a good job in helping me conceal all that ugly scar... honestly, i've been taking extra care in my diet and even tried to do more exercise... yet smthing is wrong with my body nowadays & i have no idea why... i just pray & hope that by AD, i can be in my best form possible... eu has been encouraging me to think positive but how can one be happy when she looks so ugly AND she's getting married... sighz..

onto more happy things... went for 1st fitting of the gowns a couple of wks back.. very very pleased with both gowns :) just that i really have to maintain my figure for the rest of the yr!!

our home is getting nearer and nearer to completion once our new coffee table arrives next wk!! yeah! last piece of furniture to be added to the house.... tv arrived last week so we finally had some form of entertainment in the house.. last week we also had a impromptu dinner gathering with garry, wz, sylvia & frank in our home.. & we played boardgames till 2++... i think we both enjoy playing hosts to our friends & will definitely be doing more of those in future

I'm officially an Auntie

1 afternoon in robinsons with eu's mum left me $450 poorer & struggling to carry tonnes of pots & plates & cutlery & knives.... omg... if only eu was there with me, he would have disapproved some of our purchases.. haha...

1st we aimed straight for the wmf pot set... $150 for a set of 7 ?!?! usual price $800+? pple were just grabbing these sets like there's no tmw! its amazing.. i had better polish up my cooking skills to be worthy of this beautiful wmf pots.. i definitely have too many pots for now.. i can even store some to pass on to my kids when they get married.. hahaha..

then we headed towards the crockery... aim straight for the corelle set... we wanted a plain white set but it wasn't on sale... in the end settled for a 18 pc set at $119... & an additional 8 rice bowls... er which were damn ex.. sigh.. i was drooling at some of the designer plates/ bowls also... so pretty & classy... but way out of my budget..

bought lots of spoons, forks, knives, dessert forks... & just when i tot we were done, the auntie in front of us in the cashier queue "kindly advised" us of the good deal on zwilling knives (affectionately called the double man brand) you will be so shocked to learn how expensive a KNIFE can be... these knives cost up to hundreds of dollars!! auntie grabbed a set of fruit knife & utility knife... $43... *faint* usual price $111??!  i'm really scared of the knives cos the one i have at home is 10x blunter than them... & i'm not exactly a pro when it comes to cutting/ chopping stuff...

so now i'm equipped with professional knives & pots... i hope i can cook up delicious dishes for my family & frens ;)

i think if you could understand all the brands & stuff i've just gushed abt above, you are actually on your way to auntie-hood... haha..