Weblog
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
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Motivation
So here I am again. I feel bad that I'm not more active but I'm trying to get better and well it's not working the best. It's going slower than expected. I keep writing and some of my stuff is rather strange lately. I've been borrowing from posts I made a year ago. It's sort of strange going back and reading things I wrote back then and realizing not much has changed. I joke about being lonely and it's still that way. I wrote a note the other night in my sleep and I have no clue what it means. It said, "Girls only want doggy style sex from me because my breath smells of onions." I don't get it. I don't even eat onions anymore. Then I had another note that said, "When the cherries are red they're ready for plucking. When a girl turns 18 she's ready for" and that's where I stopped. I have no clue where I was going with that. Anyway, I'm still alive which is sort of more than I can say for Xanga. I know it's lame to rip on this site but I've lost interest in using it regularly because it seems the Xanga Team has lost interest in it as well. How long has the music not been working? How long have photos not been working? Why should we use this site when they don't bother fixing it? So...here's another post.
One of the best things I ever did to spice up my Monday was “accidentally” texting my mom this phrase: “Dude, we could go to jail for that.”
I think I should be working for the IRS because I’d fit in because I hate certain groups and would discriminate against them accordingly. No more tax exempt status for you vegans.
I hate how Kobe Bryant and LeBron James keep getting compared to Michael Jordan. There’s noway they can compare. Now if they team up with Bugs Bunny, Bill Murray, and Newman to take on a group of space aliens then you can compare them but Kobe would have to be careful if the female bunny stuck her butt out near him and of course LeBron wouldn’t play against the aliens unless he had two other superstars with him so that way he could blame them if they lost.
Do you know how strenuous it is being the only one who can prevent forest fires? It’s no wonder I have ulcers.
If you have a negative opinion of me, please don’t share it because I really don’t care. IF you want to suck my dick, please email me…PLEASE!
Can someone please tell me why people are so enthusiastic about the second amendment but any amendment about voting and other human rights gets left out.
It’s always interesting when I tell people that when I was a child I didn’t see much children’s programming and they look at me like I had a horrible childhood because I missed out because the staple of it wasn’t a televised product designed by corporations and marketers. And pardon me for finding the news more interesting than Cabbage Patch dolls.
But if watching any kid’s programming taught me anything it was that if I dug a hole far enough a racist depiction of a Chinese man would greet me.
Charmin toilet paper commercials piss me off because they have made their brand around a family of bears wiping their asses and I guess Charmin is also claiming they have answered the age old zen riddle “Do bears shit in the woods?”
They should have something like Eurovision for the United States where all the states sing a song written by someone in their state except Illinois because Illinois sucks. If it was a murder or corrupt politician contest then we’d allow Illinois to compete.
Every beach is a nude beach when you have nothing left to lose.
I have been researching the song “Cotton Eyed Joe” and I’ve come to the conclusion that the writer of the song was dealing with his father abandoning him because of the line “Where did you come from, where did you go”.
I heard an advertisement that said, “If your mouth could talk it would ask for Cheetos”. I think this is one of the worst slogans ever. What do we talk out of? Our bellybuttons? Our nostrils? Also the only people that seemingly buy Cheetos are stoners so that will just confuse the hell out of them.
I just found out that Bing can translate phrases into Klingon. I figure nerds will use that just as soon as they figure out what Bing is.
Girls, the bigger your boobs are the more creepers you get following you and the creepier they get. Now, who wants to send me nude pics so I can study for my anatomy test?
It would be awesome to have a list of everyone who ever masturbated while thinking of me. The only thing is I doubt there’d be any names on my list.
Sometimes you just need your genitals massaged by someone’s mouth and right now is one of those times.
Did you know that circuses are the number one form of entertainment in Japan? Why else would they choose to make their flag a close-up of a clown’s face?
I dream of a world where you can order a Bud Light and you get a low calorie strain of marijuana and not a glass of water.
I’d like to see an episode of Maury where Luke Skywalker comes on wanting to find out who his father is and when Maury says Chewbacca isn’t the father then Chewbacca would do a wicked cabbage patch dance.
I don’t know what to feel about watching a “Feed the Children” infomercial and seeing that if you send money they will send you at-shirt that is available in XXXL.
I’ve always wanted to be surveyed for Family Feud so that when a question is “When is your bedtime,” you’ll be able to tell my answer. It’s always going to be “Giant floppy donkey dicks”.
Overheard at school: “Did you know Elton John wrote a song called “Candle in the Wind” and it’s about Marilyn Manson?”
Sometimes I feel like a foreskin. Cut off, forgotten, unwanted, and thrown away.
I was in Walgreens the other day and saw that they had condoms in a section called “Family Planning”. It should be labeled “Family Preventing”.
The NBA is considering lowering the hoop from 10ft. to 9ft.so that there can be more non-black players and the league will be diverse.
The best part of waking up is that moment when you realize you cried yourself to sleep because the only person that seems interested in you is mentally handicapped and once threatened to stab you with a knife at a church function.
I think that carving Mount Rushmore was impossible. I bet that guy just discovered it and told people he carved it because come on.
The Miami Heat could be playing a game against the Taliban and I’d cheer for the Taliban.A gay guy, a black guy, and a Jew walk into a bar and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you gentleman” because that bartender isn’t some sort of dick that would deny service to people based on orientation, race,or religion.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
I was thankful I finished everything on my “To Do” list today. It was just a doodle of a bottle of beer and a set of breasts. My “To Do”list for tomorrow seems tougher. I have to tell my second-best friend that he’s really my third-best friend.
I heard a girl say “chivalry is dead” this weekend. She’s right. It pretty much died when girls started dating assholes.
I was upset that the last time I visited Detroit no one challenged me to a rap battle. Sure, I was shot at but no rap battles. I had some mad rhymes about fettucini alfredo that I was going to spit out.
I’m pretty sure people who listen to Jimmy Buffett listen to him because they are too lazy to listen to anything else.
I love my reciprocating saw because it loves me and I love it and it loves me and I love it.
I like to stab straws into boxes of wine because it makes me feel like a kid again and reminds me of drinking juice pouches.
Something misogynistic.
I think the best way to turn on a girl with a sext is to send her a photo of your credit card.
I hate when girls complain about me having an ugly face. You’re just going to sit on it so why do you need to look at it?
One man's trash is another man's place to hide out for awhile until the police helicopter is done hovering over the block.
My secret to losing weight this summer? Driving around in my car for an hour without the air conditioning on and the windows rolled up.
The first time you ever say “music is crap these days” you have become your parents.
Is it alright for me to push a girl down the stairs if she’s wearing a slinky dress?
I decided to put out a candy dish this past weekend. The only bad part was that I ate all the candy before anyone could see it. This is also why I don’t have candles in my house.
I assume the best part of being unemployed is being able to watch NSFW stuff at all hours of the day.
I saw my sex drive on the back of a milk carton.If I worked on a road crew, I’d be the guy leaning on my shovel, wiping the sweat from my brow, and looking with a look of concern while all the other guys did all the work.
Last night I was in my bed and I stared at the stars and then I began to wonder where my ceiling was.
I sometimes think there are more Applebees in America than there are apples and bees.
The original Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, is now the age of Mr. Miyagi when the movie was filmed. Feel old?
Why do we say “horseback riding”? It seems sort of redundant because I don’t know anyone that goes horsehead riding.
Apparently Yahoo bought Tumblr. In other uninteresting news, AOL bought Myspace.
There is a possibility that there is going to be a reality show about Green Bay Packers fans. There is currently a show about Oakland Raiders fans. It’s called “Cops”.
Marijuana is a gateway drug because every time you use it you end up buying a Gateway computer.
Whitney Houston is still alive every morning when I sing her songs in the shower.
I watch Hoarders so I can find cool new stuff to store in my house.
Nothing reminds you that you’re overweight like trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If I was a Greek philosopher my name would be Insecurities.
The saying “the customer is always right” does not apply at a strip club. They don't like it when I cry in the V.I.P. room after complaining that my lap dance was too fast.
I remember the first time I saw the movie Psycho. I didn’t shower for a week. It also happened to be my first week in prison.
My parents don’t know much computer lingo. The only word they seem to know is “downloading” but to them everything is downloading. They think going on the internet is downloading. I tell them time and time again that I’m not downloading porn but I’m uploading it. There’s a big difference.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
While some people are worried about the illiteracy rate in this country, I’m more worried about the alliteracy rate.
Calling Nicki Minaj a rapper or singer is like calling yourself a guitarist because you beat Guitar Hero on the easy setting.
Netflix suggested I watch a movie about developing social skills. Fuck you, Netflix.
Once upon a time I pretended to be a priest and snuck into the confessional booth. Sir-Mix-A-Lot came in and said that he also enjoys small and medium sized butts.
The last time someone asked me “what’s up,” I replied, “A movie about the journey of an old man and boy as they float around in a house carried by balloons.”
I think now that it’s summer the odds of reading a blog that was written by someone wearing no pants is at it’s greatest.
I sometimes feel that some people on Friends Lock who come to my site yet aren’t my friends are the same type of people that go to a BYOB barbecue with two beers and then drink everybody’s beer and then crap in the pool.
Does anyone else smell vodka, gonorrhea, and desperation when they open my Xanga page?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Xanga it’s rape abortion Christianity racism circumcision feminism.
In the beginning, you use Xanga as therapy. At the end, you’re addicted to Xanga. Somewhere in the middle you see a bunch of Xangan boobs.
If you’re offended by something on Xanga there’s really no reason to announce it. From what I’ve noticed is that if you’re offended by something and announce it then that person will go out of their way to offend you all the time. It’s just Xanga. It’s the thing we use all day, every day which ironically holds no value to us.
When I die, I hope Xanga creates a scholarship in my name.
No animals were harmed in the creation of this post.
Friday, 17 May 2013
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I am looking for sechzehn
Sorry I haven't been around and won't be around tomorrow. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day. I thought I was feeling pretty good and was set to take the world by the horns or whatever the hell the slang is but I had some health setbacks that will be getting examined tomorrow at a hospital. It's of a serious nature and gross nature so I won't gross you out but I'll just say it involves blood coming out of multiple places where blood shouldn't come out. I spent most of my day in bed watching netflix. I am watching Dinosaurs. I remember watching it when I was a kid and how I just repeated catch-phrases and whatever the hell the baby said. Now I watch it and see that there were some good lessons in the show.
Well here's the meat and potatoes of this post. I was tagged by @wyckdstorm to share 16 facts about myself. I bet a few of you know this stuff about me. If you do just play along.
1. When I was in high school I could slamdunk. I think it had something to do with the muscles I developed from all my weightlifting. I could squat 700lbs and leg curl 300lbs. I think that helps with the legs but by the time I was in college I could no longer dunk.
2. I went to Lutheran school from preschool through college. I went to two high schools. One was a boarding school but it closed after my freshman year because my church body couldn't afford it as well as multiple other boarding high schools and two colleges. The state of Wisconsin bought the campus and it's now a prison. That school was once a Catholic school where young men trained to be priests. The guy who played Norm on Cheers went there for one year. Also one night in the dorm we blocked the doors when the floor supervisor left and we turned the floor into a giant slip and slide. The dorm supervisors and dean of students called the cops who came and busted down the barricades to get us out and in bed because this was about 11:30 and our bed time was 10:30. At my second high school I lived my sophomore year right behind the school(we're talking less than ten yards commute). The guy who lived in the house was the school principal and he housed students who had a long distance to travel. Anyway he died in a car accident about a week before school was supposed to begin. Well they let his wife stay in the house for the rest of the school year. I lived with 2 other guys and the principal's wife. One night we found the principal's keys for the school so we borrowed them and went streaking through the school. My English teacher saw me. She asked me the next morning in class if I was having fun.
3. Some of my nicknames throughout the course of my career have been Tiny (because I'm big and tall in some departments and tiny in others), Tank (During football I loved being able to run right through the line sort of like a tank goes through a wall), and Wurm (I think this came to me from the movie Friday and a guy just started calling me that and it caught on)
4. During school I played football, baseball and wrestled. I think the most memorable experience was my senior year playing in the state championship football game. We played a team whose mascot was "the ledgers". I thought they were a bunch of battling Catholic accountants but it turned out their school was on the ledge of a bluff. The game sucked because I tore up my knee and we lost 55-14.
5. Throughout my life I've coached volleyball, football, weightlifting, track, softball, baseball, and cross-country.
6. I once had coffee and donuts with Brett Favre. He bought a farmette from a doctor in my area and was using as a place to relax and hunt. One morning during the summer I had to go work an 18 hour shift in the Dells. I stopped at the convenience store by my house before I hit the road. Favre was in there eating donuts and drinking coffee and signing stuff and telling everyone that we'd (Packers...I can say "we" because I am a team owner) win the Super Bowl. I casually walked over and grabbed a coffee and some donuts and asked how the line was looking. He laughed. He said that my stuff was on him. I thanked him and more people flooded in and they all began talking about hunting and I had to get to work.
7. I've owned 3 cars in my life, a Pontiac Bonneville, a Chrysler Concorde, and a Chevy Blazer. I have had 5 car accidents in my driving career. 4 of those accidents involved deer. I hit a deer doing about 55 with my Pontiac and that broke a couple ribs. The deer was mangled but it still ran away. I got to the police station because I didn't have a cellphone and there was nothing around. I told a cop I hit a deer and he came out and said, "I'd say you didn't hit it as much as you fucked it up." I then realized that there was a leg on my roof and a bunch of intestines in my grill and bumper. I hit one that came running out of a school parking lot with my Chrysler just two weeks after I bought the car. Then the next time I hit one with the Chrysler was when I was coming home from student teaching and a deer ran in front of me. I didn't know I was on ice and slammed on my brakes and soon I'm facing the direction I'm coming from because my car turned counterclockwise. I ran out of road to slide and flipped off a 30 foot cliff. I woke up a half hour later hanging upside down. I don't know how many times I rolled but when they got my car out the only place in the roof where it wasn't flattened was where I was sitting. I actually still have a bump on my head from that. Then one time I was coming home and I was on ice and a deer jumped out and I hit it's ass with my side mirror and ended up slamming into a ditch filled with snow. I couldn't get out with my 4WD. I think this is some karmic thing because I hunt. When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me.
8. The hardest thing I ever taught in my teaching career was sex ed to sophomores. I taught it in a religion class so you can guess how we handled sex. Anyway two jokers ask me questions that stuck with me: "Mr. W, I'm a male and I know Jesus was a male and as a male certain things happen...well do you think Jesus ever got boners?" "Mr. W, is S&M sinful?" Maybe I should also include all the times I was asked if oral sex "counted".
9. I have a fear of birds. I was divebombed while on vacation as a kid and the bird crapped all over my face. Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots and they would attack me. Birds hate me so I avoid them at all costs.
10. I had chicken pox three times as a child. It has left my skin allergic to numerous things which include nickel, ink, and Ivory soap.
11. I was in choir for 7 semesters in college. I was in an all male choir. Some girls say they'd love to spend time in our practice room because there were at least 100 guys in the choir. Remember they were college students and not all have the best hygiene. It got ripe in there.
12. I wear size 17(the American sizing chart) for my shoes. It is damn near impossible to buy shoes. Most shoe stores only carry to a 12 or 13. I have to go to a store that deals with the Wisconsin Badgers. I remember my shoe size was always a source of rumors on the bus. Yes, I rode the bus in high school. I lived away from home during high school and my parents wouldn't let me have a car because they couldn't keep tabs on the car if I was away. Anyway a group of girls asked me my height and my shoe size. I told them and then I heard giggling and then gasps and then muffled, "I really want to see it." I always tried to figure out their devil's math but they refused to tell me. And all these years later I think I've finally figured it out.
13. I once considered myself to be a professional groomsman. I can't even remember how many weddings I've been in as either a groomsman or usher. I'd say maybe close to two dozen. And I was stupid because I always rented tuxes and never bought one.
14. At one point in my life I had 8 piercings. 5 were in my ear and then my eyebrow and I'll let you determine the others.
15. One Saturday I coached a football game in central Minnesota. After the game finished, I hopped in my Blazer and drove 6 hours to Milwaukee to catch a Radiohead show. After the show, I drove back to Minnesota where I was ordained as a minister. I made it back to my house to catch a shower and change.
16. I quit smoking cold turkey on July 3, 2007.
Now who to tag?
@Zissu25 @xDark_horizonx @adamswomanback @distractedbyzombies @Marica0701 @HUMOR_ME_NOW @americanalien @lithium98 @sleekpunk @emily_shannon @raspberryjade @leaflesstree @nov_way @whyzat @jersey_jenn @we_deny_everything
That really helps me aim better.
The Dali Lama knows what's up. When you say "Wisconsin", you've said it all.
Yeah the winters really suck.
SO TRUE!
Every time it's been brought up the past few days I've said this.
I wonder if they take their work home with them.
Yeah that's about right.
I'd double check too, Lil' Kim
Why is it that every night at about midnight I get bacon cravings?
I really do hate when people call me Sin-a-mmon Bubbles.
Yeah she does
I need to stop writing graffiti.
I now have an idea for my Hanukkah cards.
I find that people outside of Barbie.com don't like it as well.
It's almost here.
Well I have to sign-off for now. I don't know when I'll return. Hopefully the hospital will have wifi. Sigh. I love you, Xanga.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
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Motivation
I’m thinking of inventing a messaging service like Carfax. It will send you the number of times the previous owner of a car had sex inside of it. I’m thinking of calling it Carfux.
If Jimmy cracked corn, then why should I care? I don’t know Jimmy.I don’t know his life and if he wants to crack corn, then why shouldn’t he? Who am I to stand in the way of this man and his corn cracking?
I hear Kevin Bacon makes a lot of money for his new TV show. I guess he’s really bringing home the him.
Cleveland police have been ordered to take a mandatory class to notice differences of photos of their asses and holes in the ground.
I wonder if when Dr. Kermit Gosnell was declared guilty if he did “Kermit arms” when the verdict was read.
I hope all the moms out there had a good Mother’s Day. It’s a shame there’s not a day like that ford ads.
I would also like to send my deepest regards to all you up against the wall redneck mothers.
My Mother’s Day was strange because my mom sat me down, took off her hair to reveal it was a wig and that she was actually Tyler Perry.
Dear Hallmark, please put out a line of MILF Mother’s Day cards. Sincerely, Oedipus.
My mom used to say that if you can’t say something nice about someone then they’re probably an asshole.
I’m pretty sure this Mother’s Day, LL Cool J’s mom asked him to knock out Brad Paisley.
I can’t believe anyone had unprotected sex with my dad.
I hope my mom doesn’t get the symbolism of flowers being taken out of a place where they lived and put in a sterile vase until they die.
I hope the jizz in my nuts one day gives me expensive things on Father’s Day.
And your mom has now forgotten.
I passed a finger gun law that requires a background check before anyone can use them. Sadly all requests have come back declined because this isn’t an 80s insurance agent convention.
I woke up one morning to find my cats chewing on a box of my Fruit Loops. I guess you could say they are cereal killers. Oh and I also found a bunch of blood and human fingers and toes near where I keep their toys.
Calling me an asshole is like calling water “wet” or Jennifer Lawrence “hot” or Lindsay Lohan “sociopathic criminal”. These are things that are already known and don’t need discussion.
The politically correct terms for someone who has dwarfism are “little person” and “shawty”. I finally know what all those rappers are talking about.
If you buy me sliders from White Castle then you possess my eternal love. I probably shouldn’t say that because people will think I’m a slut for giving up my love just for some fast food. But they’re so tasty.
My life has had its share of bad moments but I suppose it could be worse. I could be one of those guys that are obsessed with My Little Ponies.
I was going to buy a safe but I was saddened to learn that I couldn’t afford one so I bought a dangerous and now I keep my valuables in a pile in my lawn.
I love having the images of certain girls running through my mind all day. I just hope they don’t trip over the bodies of people I’ve killed in my imagination.
They say there’s plenty of fish in the ocean but not for me since I am standing in a desert.
When people tell me that the Twilight books are much better than the Twilight movies, I think that’s the same as saying “dog shit tastes much better than horse shit.” Either way you’re still dealing with shit.
If you believe ethnic stereotypes are true then you’re dumber than the Polish.
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. If you look around and don’t see four other people that means they’re out having fun and you’re stuck reading this.
You remember that one Toby Keith song about drinking and America? No, not that one but the other one. No, not that one either. The other one, the one about killing all people that aren’t “normal” color or Christian. Politicians shouldn’t be allowed to exploit the death of innocent people from terrorist attacks for their own gain. That’s Toby Keith’s job.
I had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and he tried to tell me a knock-knock joke. He got pissed off when I ignored him.
Do you know how professional sports athletes pick the number on their jerseys? It’s how many people they’ve murdered.
Why is it “swishy” when Morrissey cavorts about the desert in a sheer black shirt in the video for “November Spawned a Monster” but when Glen Danzig does it on an every day basis it’s considered “fucking awesome”? Please help me answer this because I’m in an argument with a pastor.
Hardee’s will be renaming all their hamburgers “Zuckerburgers” because they’re skinny, ugly, and cost a fortune.
My former girlfriend never liked surprise anal sex and she always warned me that some day it would happen to me. Well that day happened when I tripped on a rake and landed on a lawn dart.
If you were wondering what I did this weekend besides unsuccessful fishing and giving myself a concussion, it was writing an unnecessary sequel to Semi-Pro.
My dad was trying to look up porn online but somehow he wound up posting his searches on Craigslist.
I’m allergic to latex but I use latex condoms every time I have sex because it makes my penis swell up. The only drawback is that every time I have sex I go to the hospital.
Summer time at Walmart is like going to a Hedonism resort just with fewer teeth. It’s amazing how little clothing some people wear in public.
True love means never having to say “excuse me” when you fart.
There aren’t enough songs about love. We need more!
They say silence is golden and this is probably why diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Speaking of silence, a lot of guys say that they like blowjobs from their girlfriend or wife because it gives them silence. If your lady is silent during a blowjob then she’s doing it wrong.
I could probably go vegetarian if I was really self-disciplined about it but I could never go vegan because a life without cheese is a life I really don’t want to live.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:
I have an idea for a TV show where all these girls sit around just eating popsicles, lollipops, bananas, and ice cream cones. Hollywood,hit me up!
If life handed me a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey instead of lemons, life and I would be good friends.
I need to invent time travel quickly because I just came up with some great ALF jokes. I could’ve extended that series by another 5 years.
My girlfriend wanted to play doctor so I diagnosed her as having a coma and then I went to the strip club.
Girls, if your guy goes to Jared to buy you jewelry then you better dump him because you deserve jewelry from a place that doesn’t have annoying TV commercials.
I have a feeling that there’s a person somewhere in the world that has a vagina tattooed inside his masturbating hand.
I accidentally got my testicles stuck in my zipper again. That is the last time I ever wear boots with zippers.
Sleeping alone is twice as lonely in a bunk bed.
I cheated on my SATs in high school. When I was taking them I got up and went to the bathroom and while in the bathroom I took my ACTs.
Before Walmart, where did families wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirts go to practice yelling each other’s names?
This summer my goal is to impress the ladies more with my hairy chest than all the hair sticking out of my Speedos.
What if the final episode of The Office it is revealed that Creed was actually Dr. Sam Beckett on an extended Quantum Leap mission?
Whenever someone texts me “K”, I text back “Potassium” and then I go masturbate furiously to a picture of the periodic table. No, no one ever texts me.
I hear based on the success of The Great Gatsby, Baz Lurhman is going to do a movie about “A Tale of Two Cities” and it will star Busta Rymes and the first line of the movie will be, “It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.”
Just once I would like to open a fortune cookie and have it say: “You and Prince will become the bestest of friends and you two will even have a super-secret handshake.”
If you turn all the lights off in your bathroom and stare at the mirror and say “Benghazi” 3 times you will become a FOX News contributor. Oh and while I’m on Benghazi, why is this such a big deal but when during Bush’s term in office there were over a dozen attacks on consulates and embassies and hundreds of Americans died it’s not? Also what about those WMDs? Oh and Halliburton contracts? Also if I had a dollar every time a conservative person tells me that they disagree with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan since Bush left office then I’d be Bill Gates.
I’m glad there is an international sign for choking because I was always fearful of going to France and grabbing my throat and having them think I liked their turtlenecks.
I was thinking of putting a webcam in my shower to make some extra money because I’m sure there are people out there that would want to see a fat guy showering. The only bad part is that I could only sing public domain songs like “Jimmy Crack Corn” and then I’d go into a discussion with myself about Jimmy’s right to crack corn.
I like when local car dealerships feature ads where the salesman show their children. I refuse to buy a car from a virgin.
I think I’m going to start lying on my resume because I’m pretty sure they won’t ask to measure my penis during an interview.
I’ve lost a few friends on Xanga over the past few days but that’s OK because I’ve haven’t lost the most important friend…you.
Women of Xanga, thanks for ruining real women for me. You’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful and you’re willing to bare your boobs to cure cancer. I love you so much. I would jump into raging waters to rescue you if you were wearing matching bra and panties.
The first rule of Xanga is if you can’t think of anything smart or funny to post about then make fun of those who have.
Here’s a tip on how to use Xanga. Do what you want to do and not what other people want you to do. Also post photos of boobs to gain followers and talk about sex and kiss lots of ass and if all of that fails make multiple accounts pretending to be your family and have these accounts recommend everything you write.
Just remember, some of you may be jealous that you appear on Top Blogs and have thousands of followers while those people could be jealous of you because you have a real life.
Xanga is just like a playground. There’s going to be bullies to kick sand in your face and ruin your fun. Just block them and try to stay away from the creep who is masturbating in the bushes.
Considering yourself to be popular on Xanga is like thinking you’re the sexiest person at the Laundromat.
Don’t take insults on Xanga seriously. More than likely you’re fighting with a 13year old kid on a Mountain Dew high and just because someone acts “immature”towards you doesn’t give you license to act that way to them.
Xanga is one of my only life skills.
I also regret to inform you that this will be my last post until my next post.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
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Homework Assignment 5/13
Hi, I'm back with more questions. I haven't graded last week's assignment because I need to get birthdays into my database. I feel bad because last week I missed two birthdays but I've noticed those Xangans are never around. Hmmm I should probably do a post about Xangans I miss. Well that's for another post but if people want to do it in the meantime then go for it. And Xanga photos still doesn't work...sigh...it's a death rattle.
Here's your new assignment:
1.
Who wins? Why?
2.
3.
Answer two questions to receive full credit and answer all three for extra credit.
Now get to work.
Sunday, 12 May 2013
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Boys Don't Cry
because it's #caturday
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you celebrate Mother's Day may it be better than mine.
Weblog
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
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Motivation
So here I am again. I feel bad that I'm not more active but I'm trying to get better and well it's not working the best. It's going slower than expected. I keep writing and some of my stuff is rather strange lately. I've been borrowing from posts I made a year ago. It's sort of strange going back and reading things I wrote back then and realizing not much has changed. I joke about being lonely and it's still that way. I wrote a note the other night in my sleep and I have no clue what it means. It said, "Girls only want doggy style sex from me because my breath smells of onions." I don't get it. I don't even eat onions anymore. Then I had another note that said, "When the cherries are red they're ready for plucking. When a girl turns 18 she's ready for" and that's where I stopped. I have no clue where I was going with that. Anyway, I'm still alive which is sort of more than I can say for Xanga. I know it's lame to rip on this site but I've lost interest in using it regularly because it seems the Xanga Team has lost interest in it as well. How long has the music not been working? How long have photos not been working? Why should we use this site when they don't bother fixing it? So...here's another post.
One of the best things I ever did to spice up my Monday was “accidentally” texting my mom this phrase: “Dude, we could go to jail for that.”
I think I should be working for the IRS because I’d fit in because I hate certain groups and would discriminate against them accordingly. No more tax exempt status for you vegans.
I hate how Kobe Bryant and LeBron James keep getting compared to Michael Jordan. There’s noway they can compare. Now if they team up with Bugs Bunny, Bill Murray, and Newman to take on a group of space aliens then you can compare them but Kobe would have to be careful if the female bunny stuck her butt out near him and of course LeBron wouldn’t play against the aliens unless he had two other superstars with him so that way he could blame them if they lost.
Do you know how strenuous it is being the only one who can prevent forest fires? It’s no wonder I have ulcers.
If you have a negative opinion of me, please don’t share it because I really don’t care. IF you want to suck my dick, please email me…PLEASE!
Can someone please tell me why people are so enthusiastic about the second amendment but any amendment about voting and other human rights gets left out.
It’s always interesting when I tell people that when I was a child I didn’t see much children’s programming and they look at me like I had a horrible childhood because I missed out because the staple of it wasn’t a televised product designed by corporations and marketers. And pardon me for finding the news more interesting than Cabbage Patch dolls.
But if watching any kid’s programming taught me anything it was that if I dug a hole far enough a racist depiction of a Chinese man would greet me.
Charmin toilet paper commercials piss me off because they have made their brand around a family of bears wiping their asses and I guess Charmin is also claiming they have answered the age old zen riddle “Do bears shit in the woods?”
They should have something like Eurovision for the United States where all the states sing a song written by someone in their state except Illinois because Illinois sucks. If it was a murder or corrupt politician contest then we’d allow Illinois to compete.
Every beach is a nude beach when you have nothing left to lose.
I have been researching the song “Cotton Eyed Joe” and I’ve come to the conclusion that the writer of the song was dealing with his father abandoning him because of the line “Where did you come from, where did you go”.
I heard an advertisement that said, “If your mouth could talk it would ask for Cheetos”. I think this is one of the worst slogans ever. What do we talk out of? Our bellybuttons? Our nostrils? Also the only people that seemingly buy Cheetos are stoners so that will just confuse the hell out of them.
I just found out that Bing can translate phrases into Klingon. I figure nerds will use that just as soon as they figure out what Bing is.
Girls, the bigger your boobs are the more creepers you get following you and the creepier they get. Now, who wants to send me nude pics so I can study for my anatomy test?
It would be awesome to have a list of everyone who ever masturbated while thinking of me. The only thing is I doubt there’d be any names on my list.
Sometimes you just need your genitals massaged by someone’s mouth and right now is one of those times.
Did you know that circuses are the number one form of entertainment in Japan? Why else would they choose to make their flag a close-up of a clown’s face?
I dream of a world where you can order a Bud Light and you get a low calorie strain of marijuana and not a glass of water.
I’d like to see an episode of Maury where Luke Skywalker comes on wanting to find out who his father is and when Maury says Chewbacca isn’t the father then Chewbacca would do a wicked cabbage patch dance.
I don’t know what to feel about watching a “Feed the Children” infomercial and seeing that if you send money they will send you at-shirt that is available in XXXL.
I’ve always wanted to be surveyed for Family Feud so that when a question is “When is your bedtime,” you’ll be able to tell my answer. It’s always going to be “Giant floppy donkey dicks”.
Overheard at school: “Did you know Elton John wrote a song called “Candle in the Wind” and it’s about Marilyn Manson?”
Sometimes I feel like a foreskin. Cut off, forgotten, unwanted, and thrown away.
I was in Walgreens the other day and saw that they had condoms in a section called “Family Planning”. It should be labeled “Family Preventing”.
The NBA is considering lowering the hoop from 10ft. to 9ft.so that there can be more non-black players and the league will be diverse.
The best part of waking up is that moment when you realize you cried yourself to sleep because the only person that seems interested in you is mentally handicapped and once threatened to stab you with a knife at a church function.
I think that carving Mount Rushmore was impossible. I bet that guy just discovered it and told people he carved it because come on.
The Miami Heat could be playing a game against the Taliban and I’d cheer for the Taliban.A gay guy, a black guy, and a Jew walk into a bar and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you gentleman” because that bartender isn’t some sort of dick that would deny service to people based on orientation, race,or religion.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:I was thankful I finished everything on my “To Do” list today. It was just a doodle of a bottle of beer and a set of breasts. My “To Do”list for tomorrow seems tougher. I have to tell my second-best friend that he’s really my third-best friend.
I heard a girl say “chivalry is dead” this weekend. She’s right. It pretty much died when girls started dating assholes.
I was upset that the last time I visited Detroit no one challenged me to a rap battle. Sure, I was shot at but no rap battles. I had some mad rhymes about fettucini alfredo that I was going to spit out.
I’m pretty sure people who listen to Jimmy Buffett listen to him because they are too lazy to listen to anything else.
I love my reciprocating saw because it loves me and I love it and it loves me and I love it.
I like to stab straws into boxes of wine because it makes me feel like a kid again and reminds me of drinking juice pouches.
Something misogynistic.
I think the best way to turn on a girl with a sext is to send her a photo of your credit card.
I hate when girls complain about me having an ugly face. You’re just going to sit on it so why do you need to look at it?
One man's trash is another man's place to hide out for awhile until the police helicopter is done hovering over the block.
My secret to losing weight this summer? Driving around in my car for an hour without the air conditioning on and the windows rolled up.
The first time you ever say “music is crap these days” you have become your parents.
Is it alright for me to push a girl down the stairs if she’s wearing a slinky dress?
I decided to put out a candy dish this past weekend. The only bad part was that I ate all the candy before anyone could see it. This is also why I don’t have candles in my house.
I assume the best part of being unemployed is being able to watch NSFW stuff at all hours of the day.
I saw my sex drive on the back of a milk carton.If I worked on a road crew, I’d be the guy leaning on my shovel, wiping the sweat from my brow, and looking with a look of concern while all the other guys did all the work.
Last night I was in my bed and I stared at the stars and then I began to wonder where my ceiling was.
I sometimes think there are more Applebees in America than there are apples and bees.
The original Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, is now the age of Mr. Miyagi when the movie was filmed. Feel old?
Why do we say “horseback riding”? It seems sort of redundant because I don’t know anyone that goes horsehead riding.
Apparently Yahoo bought Tumblr. In other uninteresting news, AOL bought Myspace.
There is a possibility that there is going to be a reality show about Green Bay Packers fans. There is currently a show about Oakland Raiders fans. It’s called “Cops”.
Marijuana is a gateway drug because every time you use it you end up buying a Gateway computer.
Whitney Houston is still alive every morning when I sing her songs in the shower.
I watch Hoarders so I can find cool new stuff to store in my house.
Nothing reminds you that you’re overweight like trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If I was a Greek philosopher my name would be Insecurities.
The saying “the customer is always right” does not apply at a strip club. They don't like it when I cry in the V.I.P. room after complaining that my lap dance was too fast.
I remember the first time I saw the movie Psycho. I didn’t shower for a week. It also happened to be my first week in prison.
My parents don’t know much computer lingo. The only word they seem to know is “downloading” but to them everything is downloading. They think going on the internet is downloading. I tell them time and time again that I’m not downloading porn but I’m uploading it. There’s a big difference.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
While some people are worried about the illiteracy rate in this country, I’m more worried about the alliteracy rate.
Calling Nicki Minaj a rapper or singer is like calling yourself a guitarist because you beat Guitar Hero on the easy setting.
Netflix suggested I watch a movie about developing social skills. Fuck you, Netflix.
Once upon a time I pretended to be a priest and snuck into the confessional booth. Sir-Mix-A-Lot came in and said that he also enjoys small and medium sized butts.
The last time someone asked me “what’s up,” I replied, “A movie about the journey of an old man and boy as they float around in a house carried by balloons.”
I think now that it’s summer the odds of reading a blog that was written by someone wearing no pants is at it’s greatest.
I sometimes feel that some people on Friends Lock who come to my site yet aren’t my friends are the same type of people that go to a BYOB barbecue with two beers and then drink everybody’s beer and then crap in the pool.
Does anyone else smell vodka, gonorrhea, and desperation when they open my Xanga page?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Xanga it’s rape abortion Christianity racism circumcision feminism.
In the beginning, you use Xanga as therapy. At the end, you’re addicted to Xanga. Somewhere in the middle you see a bunch of Xangan boobs.
If you’re offended by something on Xanga there’s really no reason to announce it. From what I’ve noticed is that if you’re offended by something and announce it then that person will go out of their way to offend you all the time. It’s just Xanga. It’s the thing we use all day, every day which ironically holds no value to us.
When I die, I hope Xanga creates a scholarship in my name.
No animals were harmed in the creation of this post.
Friday, 17 May 2013
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I am looking for sechzehn
Sorry I haven't been around and won't be around tomorrow. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day. I thought I was feeling pretty good and was set to take the world by the horns or whatever the hell the slang is but I had some health setbacks that will be getting examined tomorrow at a hospital. It's of a serious nature and gross nature so I won't gross you out but I'll just say it involves blood coming out of multiple places where blood shouldn't come out. I spent most of my day in bed watching netflix. I am watching Dinosaurs. I remember watching it when I was a kid and how I just repeated catch-phrases and whatever the hell the baby said. Now I watch it and see that there were some good lessons in the show.
Well here's the meat and potatoes of this post. I was tagged by @wyckdstorm to share 16 facts about myself. I bet a few of you know this stuff about me. If you do just play along.
1. When I was in high school I could slamdunk. I think it had something to do with the muscles I developed from all my weightlifting. I could squat 700lbs and leg curl 300lbs. I think that helps with the legs but by the time I was in college I could no longer dunk.
2. I went to Lutheran school from preschool through college. I went to two high schools. One was a boarding school but it closed after my freshman year because my church body couldn't afford it as well as multiple other boarding high schools and two colleges. The state of Wisconsin bought the campus and it's now a prison. That school was once a Catholic school where young men trained to be priests. The guy who played Norm on Cheers went there for one year. Also one night in the dorm we blocked the doors when the floor supervisor left and we turned the floor into a giant slip and slide. The dorm supervisors and dean of students called the cops who came and busted down the barricades to get us out and in bed because this was about 11:30 and our bed time was 10:30. At my second high school I lived my sophomore year right behind the school(we're talking less than ten yards commute). The guy who lived in the house was the school principal and he housed students who had a long distance to travel. Anyway he died in a car accident about a week before school was supposed to begin. Well they let his wife stay in the house for the rest of the school year. I lived with 2 other guys and the principal's wife. One night we found the principal's keys for the school so we borrowed them and went streaking through the school. My English teacher saw me. She asked me the next morning in class if I was having fun.
3. Some of my nicknames throughout the course of my career have been Tiny (because I'm big and tall in some departments and tiny in others), Tank (During football I loved being able to run right through the line sort of like a tank goes through a wall), and Wurm (I think this came to me from the movie Friday and a guy just started calling me that and it caught on)
4. During school I played football, baseball and wrestled. I think the most memorable experience was my senior year playing in the state championship football game. We played a team whose mascot was "the ledgers". I thought they were a bunch of battling Catholic accountants but it turned out their school was on the ledge of a bluff. The game sucked because I tore up my knee and we lost 55-14.
5. Throughout my life I've coached volleyball, football, weightlifting, track, softball, baseball, and cross-country.
6. I once had coffee and donuts with Brett Favre. He bought a farmette from a doctor in my area and was using as a place to relax and hunt. One morning during the summer I had to go work an 18 hour shift in the Dells. I stopped at the convenience store by my house before I hit the road. Favre was in there eating donuts and drinking coffee and signing stuff and telling everyone that we'd (Packers...I can say "we" because I am a team owner) win the Super Bowl. I casually walked over and grabbed a coffee and some donuts and asked how the line was looking. He laughed. He said that my stuff was on him. I thanked him and more people flooded in and they all began talking about hunting and I had to get to work.
7. I've owned 3 cars in my life, a Pontiac Bonneville, a Chrysler Concorde, and a Chevy Blazer. I have had 5 car accidents in my driving career. 4 of those accidents involved deer. I hit a deer doing about 55 with my Pontiac and that broke a couple ribs. The deer was mangled but it still ran away. I got to the police station because I didn't have a cellphone and there was nothing around. I told a cop I hit a deer and he came out and said, "I'd say you didn't hit it as much as you fucked it up." I then realized that there was a leg on my roof and a bunch of intestines in my grill and bumper. I hit one that came running out of a school parking lot with my Chrysler just two weeks after I bought the car. Then the next time I hit one with the Chrysler was when I was coming home from student teaching and a deer ran in front of me. I didn't know I was on ice and slammed on my brakes and soon I'm facing the direction I'm coming from because my car turned counterclockwise. I ran out of road to slide and flipped off a 30 foot cliff. I woke up a half hour later hanging upside down. I don't know how many times I rolled but when they got my car out the only place in the roof where it wasn't flattened was where I was sitting. I actually still have a bump on my head from that. Then one time I was coming home and I was on ice and a deer jumped out and I hit it's ass with my side mirror and ended up slamming into a ditch filled with snow. I couldn't get out with my 4WD. I think this is some karmic thing because I hunt. When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me.
8. The hardest thing I ever taught in my teaching career was sex ed to sophomores. I taught it in a religion class so you can guess how we handled sex. Anyway two jokers ask me questions that stuck with me: "Mr. W, I'm a male and I know Jesus was a male and as a male certain things happen...well do you think Jesus ever got boners?" "Mr. W, is S&M sinful?" Maybe I should also include all the times I was asked if oral sex "counted".
9. I have a fear of birds. I was divebombed while on vacation as a kid and the bird crapped all over my face. Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots and they would attack me. Birds hate me so I avoid them at all costs.
10. I had chicken pox three times as a child. It has left my skin allergic to numerous things which include nickel, ink, and Ivory soap.
11. I was in choir for 7 semesters in college. I was in an all male choir. Some girls say they'd love to spend time in our practice room because there were at least 100 guys in the choir. Remember they were college students and not all have the best hygiene. It got ripe in there.
12. I wear size 17(the American sizing chart) for my shoes. It is damn near impossible to buy shoes. Most shoe stores only carry to a 12 or 13. I have to go to a store that deals with the Wisconsin Badgers. I remember my shoe size was always a source of rumors on the bus. Yes, I rode the bus in high school. I lived away from home during high school and my parents wouldn't let me have a car because they couldn't keep tabs on the car if I was away. Anyway a group of girls asked me my height and my shoe size. I told them and then I heard giggling and then gasps and then muffled, "I really want to see it." I always tried to figure out their devil's math but they refused to tell me. And all these years later I think I've finally figured it out.
13. I once considered myself to be a professional groomsman. I can't even remember how many weddings I've been in as either a groomsman or usher. I'd say maybe close to two dozen. And I was stupid because I always rented tuxes and never bought one.
14. At one point in my life I had 8 piercings. 5 were in my ear and then my eyebrow and I'll let you determine the others.
15. One Saturday I coached a football game in central Minnesota. After the game finished, I hopped in my Blazer and drove 6 hours to Milwaukee to catch a Radiohead show. After the show, I drove back to Minnesota where I was ordained as a minister. I made it back to my house to catch a shower and change.
16. I quit smoking cold turkey on July 3, 2007.
Now who to tag?
@Zissu25 @xDark_horizonx @adamswomanback @distractedbyzombies @Marica0701 @HUMOR_ME_NOW @americanalien @lithium98 @sleekpunk @emily_shannon @raspberryjade @leaflesstree @nov_way @whyzat @jersey_jenn @we_deny_everything
That really helps me aim better.
The Dali Lama knows what's up. When you say "Wisconsin", you've said it all.
Yeah the winters really suck.
SO TRUE!
Every time it's been brought up the past few days I've said this.
I wonder if they take their work home with them.
Yeah that's about right.
I'd double check too, Lil' Kim
Why is it that every night at about midnight I get bacon cravings?
I really do hate when people call me Sin-a-mmon Bubbles.
Yeah she does
I need to stop writing graffiti.
I now have an idea for my Hanukkah cards.
I find that people outside of Barbie.com don't like it as well.
It's almost here.
Well I have to sign-off for now. I don't know when I'll return. Hopefully the hospital will have wifi. Sigh. I love you, Xanga.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
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Motivation
I’m thinking of inventing a messaging service like Carfax. It will send you the number of times the previous owner of a car had sex inside of it. I’m thinking of calling it Carfux.
If Jimmy cracked corn, then why should I care? I don’t know Jimmy.I don’t know his life and if he wants to crack corn, then why shouldn’t he? Who am I to stand in the way of this man and his corn cracking?
I hear Kevin Bacon makes a lot of money for his new TV show. I guess he’s really bringing home the him.
Cleveland police have been ordered to take a mandatory class to notice differences of photos of their asses and holes in the ground.
I wonder if when Dr. Kermit Gosnell was declared guilty if he did “Kermit arms” when the verdict was read.
I hope all the moms out there had a good Mother’s Day. It’s a shame there’s not a day like that ford ads.
I would also like to send my deepest regards to all you up against the wall redneck mothers.
My Mother’s Day was strange because my mom sat me down, took off her hair to reveal it was a wig and that she was actually Tyler Perry.
Dear Hallmark, please put out a line of MILF Mother’s Day cards. Sincerely, Oedipus.
My mom used to say that if you can’t say something nice about someone then they’re probably an asshole.
I’m pretty sure this Mother’s Day, LL Cool J’s mom asked him to knock out Brad Paisley.
I can’t believe anyone had unprotected sex with my dad.
I hope my mom doesn’t get the symbolism of flowers being taken out of a place where they lived and put in a sterile vase until they die.
I hope the jizz in my nuts one day gives me expensive things on Father’s Day.
And your mom has now forgotten.
I passed a finger gun law that requires a background check before anyone can use them. Sadly all requests have come back declined because this isn’t an 80s insurance agent convention.
I woke up one morning to find my cats chewing on a box of my Fruit Loops. I guess you could say they are cereal killers. Oh and I also found a bunch of blood and human fingers and toes near where I keep their toys.
Calling me an asshole is like calling water “wet” or Jennifer Lawrence “hot” or Lindsay Lohan “sociopathic criminal”. These are things that are already known and don’t need discussion.
The politically correct terms for someone who has dwarfism are “little person” and “shawty”. I finally know what all those rappers are talking about.
If you buy me sliders from White Castle then you possess my eternal love. I probably shouldn’t say that because people will think I’m a slut for giving up my love just for some fast food. But they’re so tasty.
My life has had its share of bad moments but I suppose it could be worse. I could be one of those guys that are obsessed with My Little Ponies.
I was going to buy a safe but I was saddened to learn that I couldn’t afford one so I bought a dangerous and now I keep my valuables in a pile in my lawn.
I love having the images of certain girls running through my mind all day. I just hope they don’t trip over the bodies of people I’ve killed in my imagination.
They say there’s plenty of fish in the ocean but not for me since I am standing in a desert.
When people tell me that the Twilight books are much better than the Twilight movies, I think that’s the same as saying “dog shit tastes much better than horse shit.” Either way you’re still dealing with shit.
If you believe ethnic stereotypes are true then you’re dumber than the Polish.
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. If you look around and don’t see four other people that means they’re out having fun and you’re stuck reading this.
You remember that one Toby Keith song about drinking and America? No, not that one but the other one. No, not that one either. The other one, the one about killing all people that aren’t “normal” color or Christian. Politicians shouldn’t be allowed to exploit the death of innocent people from terrorist attacks for their own gain. That’s Toby Keith’s job.
I had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and he tried to tell me a knock-knock joke. He got pissed off when I ignored him.
Do you know how professional sports athletes pick the number on their jerseys? It’s how many people they’ve murdered.
Why is it “swishy” when Morrissey cavorts about the desert in a sheer black shirt in the video for “November Spawned a Monster” but when Glen Danzig does it on an every day basis it’s considered “fucking awesome”? Please help me answer this because I’m in an argument with a pastor.
Hardee’s will be renaming all their hamburgers “Zuckerburgers” because they’re skinny, ugly, and cost a fortune.
My former girlfriend never liked surprise anal sex and she always warned me that some day it would happen to me. Well that day happened when I tripped on a rake and landed on a lawn dart.
If you were wondering what I did this weekend besides unsuccessful fishing and giving myself a concussion, it was writing an unnecessary sequel to Semi-Pro.
My dad was trying to look up porn online but somehow he wound up posting his searches on Craigslist.
I’m allergic to latex but I use latex condoms every time I have sex because it makes my penis swell up. The only drawback is that every time I have sex I go to the hospital.
Summer time at Walmart is like going to a Hedonism resort just with fewer teeth. It’s amazing how little clothing some people wear in public.
True love means never having to say “excuse me” when you fart.
There aren’t enough songs about love. We need more!
They say silence is golden and this is probably why diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Speaking of silence, a lot of guys say that they like blowjobs from their girlfriend or wife because it gives them silence. If your lady is silent during a blowjob then she’s doing it wrong.
I could probably go vegetarian if I was really self-disciplined about it but I could never go vegan because a life without cheese is a life I really don’t want to live.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:I have an idea for a TV show where all these girls sit around just eating popsicles, lollipops, bananas, and ice cream cones. Hollywood,hit me up!
If life handed me a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey instead of lemons, life and I would be good friends.
I need to invent time travel quickly because I just came up with some great ALF jokes. I could’ve extended that series by another 5 years.
My girlfriend wanted to play doctor so I diagnosed her as having a coma and then I went to the strip club.
Girls, if your guy goes to Jared to buy you jewelry then you better dump him because you deserve jewelry from a place that doesn’t have annoying TV commercials.
I have a feeling that there’s a person somewhere in the world that has a vagina tattooed inside his masturbating hand.
I accidentally got my testicles stuck in my zipper again. That is the last time I ever wear boots with zippers.
Sleeping alone is twice as lonely in a bunk bed.
I cheated on my SATs in high school. When I was taking them I got up and went to the bathroom and while in the bathroom I took my ACTs.
Before Walmart, where did families wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirts go to practice yelling each other’s names?
This summer my goal is to impress the ladies more with my hairy chest than all the hair sticking out of my Speedos.
What if the final episode of The Office it is revealed that Creed was actually Dr. Sam Beckett on an extended Quantum Leap mission?
Whenever someone texts me “K”, I text back “Potassium” and then I go masturbate furiously to a picture of the periodic table. No, no one ever texts me.
I hear based on the success of The Great Gatsby, Baz Lurhman is going to do a movie about “A Tale of Two Cities” and it will star Busta Rymes and the first line of the movie will be, “It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.”
Just once I would like to open a fortune cookie and have it say: “You and Prince will become the bestest of friends and you two will even have a super-secret handshake.”
If you turn all the lights off in your bathroom and stare at the mirror and say “Benghazi” 3 times you will become a FOX News contributor. Oh and while I’m on Benghazi, why is this such a big deal but when during Bush’s term in office there were over a dozen attacks on consulates and embassies and hundreds of Americans died it’s not? Also what about those WMDs? Oh and Halliburton contracts? Also if I had a dollar every time a conservative person tells me that they disagree with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan since Bush left office then I’d be Bill Gates.
I’m glad there is an international sign for choking because I was always fearful of going to France and grabbing my throat and having them think I liked their turtlenecks.
I was thinking of putting a webcam in my shower to make some extra money because I’m sure there are people out there that would want to see a fat guy showering. The only bad part is that I could only sing public domain songs like “Jimmy Crack Corn” and then I’d go into a discussion with myself about Jimmy’s right to crack corn.
I like when local car dealerships feature ads where the salesman show their children. I refuse to buy a car from a virgin.
I think I’m going to start lying on my resume because I’m pretty sure they won’t ask to measure my penis during an interview.
I’ve lost a few friends on Xanga over the past few days but that’s OK because I’ve haven’t lost the most important friend…you.
Women of Xanga, thanks for ruining real women for me. You’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful and you’re willing to bare your boobs to cure cancer. I love you so much. I would jump into raging waters to rescue you if you were wearing matching bra and panties.
The first rule of Xanga is if you can’t think of anything smart or funny to post about then make fun of those who have.
Here’s a tip on how to use Xanga. Do what you want to do and not what other people want you to do. Also post photos of boobs to gain followers and talk about sex and kiss lots of ass and if all of that fails make multiple accounts pretending to be your family and have these accounts recommend everything you write.
Just remember, some of you may be jealous that you appear on Top Blogs and have thousands of followers while those people could be jealous of you because you have a real life.
Xanga is just like a playground. There’s going to be bullies to kick sand in your face and ruin your fun. Just block them and try to stay away from the creep who is masturbating in the bushes.
Considering yourself to be popular on Xanga is like thinking you’re the sexiest person at the Laundromat.
Don’t take insults on Xanga seriously. More than likely you’re fighting with a 13year old kid on a Mountain Dew high and just because someone acts “immature”towards you doesn’t give you license to act that way to them.
Xanga is one of my only life skills.
I also regret to inform you that this will be my last post until my next post.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
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Homework Assignment 5/13
Hi, I'm back with more questions. I haven't graded last week's assignment because I need to get birthdays into my database. I feel bad because last week I missed two birthdays but I've noticed those Xangans are never around. Hmmm I should probably do a post about Xangans I miss. Well that's for another post but if people want to do it in the meantime then go for it. And Xanga photos still doesn't work...sigh...it's a death rattle.
Here's your new assignment:
1.
Who wins? Why?
2.
3.
Answer two questions to receive full credit and answer all three for extra credit.
Now get to work.
Sunday, 12 May 2013
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Boys Don't Cry
because it's #caturday
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you celebrate Mother's Day may it be better than mine.
Wednesday, 08 May 2013
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Motivation
I'm so happy that former Teen Mom Farrah Abraham released her porn tape. It now shows that teen girls that teen pregnancy is glamorous and will get you paid by MTV and then you can get into acting after you are no longer a teen.
I really want to go to a restaurant that Gordon Ramsay helps on Kitchen Nightmares or Hell’s Kitchen itself because I’m not convinced he’s swearing. I think he’s talking about fishing and shipping.
I think it’s time that Congress did something productive. They need to have hearings to determine whether or not professional wrestling is real or scripted.
Sometimes I think if I was a woman I’d use my vagina as a coin purse or for extra storage like for lipstick or an iPhone. I’d keep them there when I didn’t need them.
Apparently cheetahs are really sensitive and nervous animals. They are so nervous that some won’t breed because they are intimidated by the wild cheetah sex and they end up never getting laid and dying alone. After all these years on this planet and questioning who I am I have finally figured out that I’m a cheetah.
April showers bring may flowers and what do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS! And what do pilgrims bring? Death to Native Americans.
Sometimes it seems that my blog is literally me talking to myself with an audience. Crap…I’ve become Jeff Dunham.
I made a bukkake joke around a friend this weekend. She didn’t know what it was so her solution was to google it.
There’s a Chinese buffet a few towns over that only plays one song on a continuous loop. It’s“Happy Birthday”. Apparently someone had a birthday party there and asked if they could play that song and now the rest is history.
The main thing I’ve learned from celebrity tabloid magazines is that the true talent of female celebrities is how fast she can lose weight after having a baby.
Remember the 00s? Remember watching helplessly as your country descended into a bloodthirsty war frenzy and everyone was yelling about supporting troops or getting them out of war? Remember Spongebob?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke.
STOP THE NRA! (That’s the National Randy Jackson Association. There is absolutely no need for such a thing and he needs to be banned from American Idol.)
It’s sort of sad that I’ll never be as popular as the girls in “2 Girls, 1 Cup” or the girl who sucked on her tampon.
“Born in the USA”is probably my favorite song about being born in the USA.
Back last month during the North Korean missile crisis, North Korea was basically a teenager with a skateboard loitering outside a convenience store and the UN was the crusty old store manager who doesn’t like seeing cool skateboard tricks.
So often I want to be like Martin Luther and post something revolutionary but I usually settle for writing 95 reasons why someone is a douchebag and then I staple it to their forehead.
Ladies, I am a polite gentleman. I will hold doors open for you. I’ll open the car door for you. I’ll carry you over puddles. I’ll bring you flowers. I’ll shower you with compliments after I shower myself with soap and water. I’llpolitely ask if I can fondle your breasts. I am a gentleman.
A radio station near me once had a disgruntled employee and he programmed a continuous loop of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”for an entire day. No one seemed to notice because most radio stations only have four songs in their rotation.
I think the best way to weigh yourself is when you are naked. I just wish they understood at the pharmacy.
I once worked as a waiter and one of my first customers was a vampire. He ordered a steak and I asked how he’d like it and he said, “Not wooden and nowhere near my heart.”
I think the reason I sleep on my stomach is because subconsciously I think I’m a superhero and my blanket is my cape.
I once suggested a student read Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States”. That student came to tell me how much they enjoyed the book after class and they said, “Mr. Awesome, that book was the bomb. When I got to the part about Columbus and the Native Americans, I was all like ‘Oh hell no, Christopher Columbus with your stank ass.’”
I sometimes will look back on my life and have a hard time believing about things that have happened. I question if it really happened because some events are just really out there like going to school with a crime fighter named Checkerman to getting a job application from a guy named Christ who was dressed in drag. I know this isn’t a joke and if you don’t like it let me know so I can block you because my brother was saved by Checkerman when the evil Chessmaster took him hostage but he was later killed by the Monopoly Man, who was driving the thimble while drunk.
Whatever happened to Dane Cook? Did he die? Must be, since his career sure did. If there is one thing that Dane Cook has taught us it’s that using a curse word every other word in a sentence it’s hilarious.
If people ask me to do something and I say, “No problem,” it’s usually because I’m being polite and that’s a better thing to say than“that was inconvenient and I won’t point it out because if I do you’ll call me a cunt.”
The best part about the internet is that no matter what you think there is some idiot out there that agrees with you. I’m happy I found my “The center of the Earth is made of marshmallows and barbecue ribs” support group.
If someone uses the word “gay” in a way that doesn’t refer to homosexuality and no one around is offended is it still offensive?
When I go to the movies, I never have to worry about putting my phone on silent because no one ever calls or texts me.
I got kicked out of Walmart because I gave myself a genital exam. I guess I misunderstood the concept of a self-checkout lane.
If any of you forgot to get your mom something for Mother’s Day it’s not too late to get her a good gift. Just put the toilet seat down.
I remember the time my girlfriend bought Chicago Cubs pajamas. I never scored after she bought them. We were really into S&M. She always slept and I masturbated.
And now here's your weekly dose of motivation:
Have you ever noticed how racist TV is? When white girls get pregnant, they get an entire season of “16 and Pregnant” on MTV, but when black girls get pregnant, they’re lucky to get 5 minutes on Maury.
Nothing says “this marriage won’t last” quite like a Walmart engagement ring…I buy all my engagement rings at Walmart.
I once googled “what women want” and my computer crashed.
If Ghost Hunters ever visited my house, I’d be afraid of what the old lady who walks around my upstairs tells them I do when I’m alone and oiled up.
I sometimes think that some people only watch NASCAR for the fiery crashes and the subsequent commemorative plates.
I still haven’t forgiven my 1st grade teacher who sent that note home to my parents that said I had a problem with holding grudges.
I used to think obesity wasn’t an epidemic in America but then I realized we have flavored floss.
Real life conversation: “Hey, godfather, did you know that Ron Jeremy has his own rum?” “Yeah, I knew that, it’s called Ron de Jeremy rum.” “I wonder how it goes down.” “Probably on itself.” That was quite an awkward car ride with my mom after that.
Did you know that 40% of America’s annual tree harvest ends up as Mother’s Day cards for Michelle Duggar?
I can’t believe people are against gay marriage because if you want people to stop having gay sex then you let them get married.
I think the reason why I don’t sleep with many women is because I have insomnia.
Do public speakers at nudist colonies picture people in the audience with clothes on?
I have reached the point in my life where I am comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Whenever I hear someone say “How do you like me now,” I usually answer, “Even less now.
You should be able to mark people as spam.
If I treated people how I wanted to be treated I’d spend all day giving strangers oral sex.
I still think Breaking Bad will end with Bryan Cranston’s character being dropped into Witness Protection and being in Malcolm in the Middle. How else do you describe Hal’s erratic behavior in that show?
They call a group of lions a pride. They call a group of my family members an embarrassment.
I don’t get why girls say “you’ll never find another girl like me” when I break up with them. Isn’t that the point?
Now that I’m single the label on my porn folder says “porn” instead of the usual “vegan recipes”.
If I ever offend you, make sure you email me a list of your grievances or tag me in a post so I can print it out and wipe my ass with it.
I think I take compliments as well as a vending machine takes wet, crumpled dollar bills.
Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, there’ll be eight planets after I destroy Uranus and for the sake of numbering, Pluto will always be a planet to me.”
I bet there are people running around Hollywood pitching the idea for a Great Gatsby sequel where he comes back as a zombie.
My daughter Jenna thinks I’m addicted to porn so I asked my son Jameson what he thinks.
My girlfriend is like the square root of a negative number…imaginary. MATH JOKE!
Being popular on Xanga is sort of like owning a lot of property in Monopoly.
I think Xanga needs a “I want to lick your genitals” button because the rec and eprops are not enough.
I once heard someone say they came to Xanga to find a soulmate. I suggested she straddle a speaker and listen to Barry White.
I’m glad I have Xanga for self-validation because I would’ve been a horrible stripper.
New Xanga motto…Xanga: where you get to relive your childhood rejection and acceptance issues all over again.
New Xanga motto…Xanga: Escape the idiots you know in real life to be surrounded by idiots you don’t know.
Is it me or does anyone else think that Xanax should be the official sponsor of Xanga?
Xanga has saved me from a horrible “keeping my thoughts to myself” addiction.
Some people use Xanga like they are campaigning to be the next Dali Lama.
I am thankful for my mom and was happy to tell her that on Mother’s Day. Without her, I wouldn’t have all these issues that make me hilarious.
I was amazed that when I was gone for that time period awhile back I lost friends here. What could I possibly be doing to piss you off if I’m not even posting?
When is Xanga prom?
If there was a Xanga school/university, they’d probably have to do what they do at Apple sweatshops in China and put nets under the windows to stop people from trying to escape or commit suicide.
Good night everyone and by “goodnight” I mean I’ll probably be up for another two hours or so contemplating life and by “contemplating life” I mean I’ll probably watch some porn and jerk off.
Tuesday, 07 May 2013
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Homework Assignment 5/6
So I haven't been around much. I keep trying to get on here more often but it's been difficult lately with health and other things getting in the way. I see Xanga still has not fixed the photos. Sigh. Maybe that's why people aren't using this site much any more. There is no effort to fix broken things. Yes I know it's lame to bash Xanga but I have thought the more it's brought up maybe Xanga will take notice...maybe not.
Here's your assignment:
1.
2.
3.
Answer two questions to receive full credit and answer all three for extra credit.
Now get to work.
Sunday, 05 May 2013
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Star Wars Day
It's May 4th as in "May the Fourth be with you" which is sort of like that one line from Star Wars, "It's a trap!" or "I find your lack of faith disturbing." or "I’ve got a very bad feeling about this." or "These blast points — too accurate for sandpeople. Only imperial stormtroopers are so precise." It's also #caturday.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Thursday, 02 May 2013
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Racehorse Names
The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday. I really haven't paid attention or looked at which horse is currently the favorite this year but I'm thinking of possibly going to the OTB at the local casino. I might not enjoy the race but I'll enjoy the ladies dressed up in the ridiculous hats and I'll also love all the mint juleps. I lived on a horse farm for two years during high school and thought there was nothing special about those creatures. They just chewed grass and straw all day long but over the years I've come to appreciate horse racing. There is just something special about watching the ponies run. Hell, I can enjoy myself watching horse races without the mint juleps or gambling and for a while I had to at Canterbury.
One thing that has always amazed me about horse racing are the names of the horses. The owners like to get very creative with the names. There is quite a lengthy list of rules that The Jockey's Club has established. For instance horse names cannot be more than 18 characters long and they can't be named after living people unless permission is granted. Another rule is that the names can't be vulgar or obscene. I guess some owners didn't get that memo. Here is a list of some of my favorite horse names:
Bodacious Ta Ta's (that philly had a peculiar strut)
Date More Minors (Can horses be pedophiles?)
OHBEEGEEWHYEN (Must have had a practice when she wasn't racing)
Wrecked Em (Has a proctology practice in the same building as OHBEEGEEWHYEN)
Anita Cocktail (not to be confused with Anita Dick)
Hardawn (I don't think that is possible when watching races)
Golden Showers (From the 1940s so I am sure they didn't have such deviant acts back then)
Girls On Top (the best way to ride)
Ménage Á Trois (The horse, the jockey, and the whip...kinky)
Rhythm Method (Sadly this horse didn't always perform the way it was intended to)
Black Servant (A horse from the simpler yet incredibly racist times of the 20s.)
The Cock (He placed 6th at the 1916 Derby probably because he had that something extra weighing him down)
The Winner (Too bad he finished in last place)
Our Dad (Apparently bestiality is alive and well in the horse racing community)
Spineless Jellyfish (didn't make it out of the gates because it was scared)
No Stinking Badges (We don't need No Stinking Badges to show)
Acid Reflux (I hear they get her to run extra fast after they feed her Mexican food)
Sexy Librarian (Who hasn't had that fantasy...WITH A HUMAN...WITH A HUMAN!)
No Fat Chicks (But of course, it would slow her down)
Sheikh'nnotstirred (Who knew James Bond was into horse racing)
Sotally Tober (Why occiffer of course there's blood in my alcohol stream)
Cunning Stunt (Whoever chose this name was a cunning linguist like myself...I hope you get that one, ladies
)
Senior Discount (The sad thing about this horse is that it never finished a race because it always had to be at Denny's before 5PM to get the early bird special)
Hoof Hearted (I'll let the video explain it and if you don't get it, say the name really fast)
Cum Rocket (No comment is necessary)
Well I looked it up, Orb is the favorite this year at 7:2.
Wednesday, 01 May 2013
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Motivation
This just in: screaming profanities at an empty text editor will not write posts for you.
When you read this voice, try to read it in Forrest Gump’s voice and then you’ll pretty much be at my level.
Remember when the word “special” was used as a compliment.
“Sorry, not sorry” has replaced Miranda Rights in 2013.
Jokes complaining about other jokes are the least funny type of jokes and probably unfunnier than the jokes you are complaining about to begin with so quit making fun of “chicken road crossing jokes”.
You can’t touch music but you can touch boobs so I guess that’s better.
Some people use mass in calculations to find energy and others go to mass to have the energy drained out of them.
I wish MSNBC would have a real news flash…Rachel Maddow exposing her breasts.
I hate when people say “words cannot express how I feel”. That’s such a slap in the face of words. Words can express whatever you want them to. Sure you may have to put thought into it but that’s why words were invented, dog-gong it.
I usually classify myself as an optimist but not a “The Hangover 3 is going to be good” optimist.
I am such a cruel teacher. When I make scantron tests I make the answers “A-C-D-C” in a continuous loop.
Blood is thicker than water. Motor oil is thicker than blood. Cherish you car more than your family and eliminate those who object. Chevy runs deep. You can lead your horse to water but if you want your horse to crush the competition then you better lead your horse to Gatorade. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s white male privilege. Buy 2, get both! God, all that Mad Men has made me start thinking of new slogans for businesses.
Why is it that movies that have stories involving strippers are insistent on a plot line?
Whenever I listen to Radiohead I feel like I’m staring into the abyss and the abyss is staring back and is playing some sweet-ass tunes.
I like going to the Catholic church for confession and describing movies to the priest. It’s always interesting how many Hail Marys and Our Fathers I get for the Batman movies.
I’m pretty sure the next Jurassic Park movie will be in 4D. They’ll release dinosaurs into the theater and you have to see if you can survive for two hours.
I think I’d make a pretty good parent because my parents have given me plenty of lessons on how not to be a parent.
“Satisfaction” by Benny Benassi is very awkward to listen to because it sounds like Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
I once met Eminem and it was pretty awkward. His palms were sweaty and his knees were weak and his arms were heavy. If I remember correctly he also had vomit on his sweatshirt already.
Married people talking about their spouse, love, and children in front of a single person is torture and needs to be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.
You know your life is pathetic when your parents suggest you try eharmony or match.com or Plenty of Fish or Farmers Only or Fuckbook.
I was at a school doing my schtick and this teacher had in a lesson plan that the class would listen to traditional Indian music because they were studying India. The first song on the CD was “Paper Planes”by M.I.A. I felt like it was really time for me to leave this planet.
My life has sunk to new lows…listening to polka music while looking at porn. I must say that it makes the porn more delightful and rhythmic.
I want to get a motorcycle just so girls will pose semi-nude in front of it. Seriously, have you ever seen a motorcycle without a scantily clad woman next to it? It doesn’t exist, especially not in my Easy Rider magazines.
I’m an ugly guy but I’d make a pretty attractive chimpanzee.
The often say that real women have curves. I’m not sure about that but I do know that real women have retractable claws and communicate via echolocation.
I’d like to think of my writing as poignant and inspiring but most of the time it comes off as weird and whiny.
Have you ever stopped to think that money is just pieces of paper with meaningless numbers printed on them? When you realize this and want to give away your meaningless paper, send me an email so I can send you my address so I can help you get rid of your meaningless paper.
Whenever someone calls me “cool” I can’t tell if they are saying that I’m actually cool or that I’m a constipated overrated outcast loser. I hate my love of acronyms sometimes.
I think school’s should drop teaching cursive handwriting and teach Japanese or Chinese writing characters so they will be able to know what their character tattoos actually say in the future.
Why is America still fighting the war on drugs? It’s not like drugs have any oil.
There is no “I” in “denial”
Do people who claim they get high on life ever have overdoses when they have really good days?
I have heard mixed stories about how well porn pays because I’ve wanted to start my own production company. I asked a friend who worked in the industry and she said that only people who film anal sex scenes make a butt-load.
I went to the liquor store the other night and some kids asked me to buy them some beer. I was a responsible adult and lectured them because they asked me to get them Bud Light.
I hate it when people make a big deal out of something that is small unless it’s my penis.
The fastest way to a girl’s heart is by watching King of Queens reruns and interpretive dance.
I only watch porn to evaluate the camera angles for artistic and aesthetic merit.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
My hidden agenda is that I need to find it because it’s hidden.
I can’t write swear words in cursive.
I can’t believe Michael Richards wasn’t in Django Unchained.
My favorite baseball team named after a militia that was created to raid, rob, rape, and murder Native Americans is the Texas Rangers.
I need a Harley. All the guys I saw on Harleys today were fat slobs like me and they all had drop dead gorgeous women with them. This one stuck out and I’m still picturing her. She must’ve been six feet tall and 5 feet of that were her legs. I’m a sucker for long legs. The rest of her was boobs. I’m not a good judge of bra size so I’m guessing anywhere from D to H cup. I think she was also a size zero. And black hair. I’m out of hand lotion. Damn.
Apparently I look shady. I was sitting in my SUV eating some lunch before I went into a huge hardware chain store. This old guy pulled up across from me in his truck. He and his wife get out and then he makes eye contact with me. He then said to his wife, “I think I should lock up.” He locked all the doors manually and then he double-checked to make sure they were locked. He even locked his tailgate and truck cab window. I was impressed. It’s an awesome feeling inspiring fear like that instead of a cat jumping back when I pop my head around a door.
It got up to 90F here today. Tomorrow the forecasted high is supposed to only be 45F. Just when my testicles come out for summer the vas defrans pulls them back in. I'm glad they didn't use that line in The Godfather movie.
I was watching Netflix and found this cooking show where the chef was making pot au chocolat. It was essentially baked chocolate pudding. I got inspired and wanted some so I went out and bought some chocolate pudding snack packs.
I told a girl that I invented life insurance. She believed me. I don’t think I can be with a girl who thinks I invented life insurance.
There’s something magical about going to Walmart and hearing Nickelback on the in-store radio and then hearing Creed right after.
I saw this woman crying in Walmart. I thought I’d be a gentleman and console her. I didn’t bother asking what made her cry so I said, “There, there, I too cried when I found out Walmart stopped carrying Frank’s Red Hot flavored Pringles.”
I bought some red, white, and blue licorice. I have mixed feelings. If I eat it does that mean I'm a terrorist because I'm devouring America?
I recently applied for a new job. I didn’t get it. I applied to be a stripper. Apparently they weren’t ready for my act. They really didn’t understand my dancing to “Da Da Da” by Trio. I was shocked they weren’t blown away by my set to the music of Celine Dion. You should’ve seen how everything flopped around when she hit those powerful notes in “My Heart Will Go On”. I also had another dance where I stood in place and didn’t move my feet. The song I did that routine to was “You Spin Me Right Round”. Please don’t use your imagination.
My girlfriend wanted me to get her one of those Build-a-Bears. It was like $50. I thought that was a tad steep for a stuffed animal. I just snuck into her room and tore up a teddy bear her grandfather gave her and told her to put it back together.
Have you ever noticed that on the Scooby Doo cartoon that the only real paranormal activity the gang ever encountered was a talking dog?
Why buy the cow when you can buy hand lotion at Walmart?
I refuse to pay full price for donuts because they always have holes in them.
I have no idea what the word “illuminated” means. Could someone shed some light on it?
I can’t wait for the day on Xanga when I have posts older than my followers.
You know I got thinking. Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr have garnered a lot of popularity in recent days and many new accounts were created because the Boston bombing suspect supposedly had accounts on all those mediums. People want to be his friend on all of those networks. It’s so weird. Maybe Xanga could negotiate with some terrorists to use Xanga. At least they could convince Westboro Baptist members to start Revelife blogs.
I think the person who coined the term “same shit, different day” was talking about Xanga. Wait, have I already done that joke?
Xanga is the only place where you can find people arguing about religion on a post about snowboarding.
Every time someone says some insane shit on Xanga I find myself looking for a camera so I can make a sarcastic face like on The Office.
Hey, everyone, I have this really awesome way to avoid Xanga drama. First, don’t click on links written by people with whom you have differing opinions. Second, don’t comment on that site. Third, don’t recommend it. Finally, scroll to another site preferably someone who posts positive things. It’s just that simple and if you follow that you can enjoy Xanga and be cool.
I was talking about Xanga to my dad and he’s convinced that someone is going to come and kill me. I reassured him that no one on Xanga leaves their rooms just like me.
Does this Xanga account make me look like a virgin?
There are people on Xanga that I think are vampires but instead of feeding on blood, they feed on attention from strangers on the internet and drama.
Listening to people gossip about other Xangans is like listening to dogs barking at each other. It’s pointless. Get outside and get some air.
I wish people followed me on Xanga because they like what I write and not because I have a massive penis.
Is Xanga a blogging site or a communist dating site? No one ever briefed me on this.
I hope this post motivates me to start replying to people...sorry.
Weblog
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
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Motivation
So here I am again. I feel bad that I'm not more active but I'm trying to get better and well it's not working the best. It's going slower than expected. I keep writing and some of my stuff is rather strange lately. I've been borrowing from posts I made a year ago. It's sort of strange going back and reading things I wrote back then and realizing not much has changed. I joke about being lonely and it's still that way. I wrote a note the other night in my sleep and I have no clue what it means. It said, "Girls only want doggy style sex from me because my breath smells of onions." I don't get it. I don't even eat onions anymore. Then I had another note that said, "When the cherries are red they're ready for plucking. When a girl turns 18 she's ready for" and that's where I stopped. I have no clue where I was going with that. Anyway, I'm still alive which is sort of more than I can say for Xanga. I know it's lame to rip on this site but I've lost interest in using it regularly because it seems the Xanga Team has lost interest in it as well. How long has the music not been working? How long have photos not been working? Why should we use this site when they don't bother fixing it? So...here's another post.
One of the best things I ever did to spice up my Monday was “accidentally” texting my mom this phrase: “Dude, we could go to jail for that.”
I think I should be working for the IRS because I’d fit in because I hate certain groups and would discriminate against them accordingly. No more tax exempt status for you vegans.
I hate how Kobe Bryant and LeBron James keep getting compared to Michael Jordan. There’s noway they can compare. Now if they team up with Bugs Bunny, Bill Murray, and Newman to take on a group of space aliens then you can compare them but Kobe would have to be careful if the female bunny stuck her butt out near him and of course LeBron wouldn’t play against the aliens unless he had two other superstars with him so that way he could blame them if they lost.
Do you know how strenuous it is being the only one who can prevent forest fires? It’s no wonder I have ulcers.
If you have a negative opinion of me, please don’t share it because I really don’t care. IF you want to suck my dick, please email me…PLEASE!
Can someone please tell me why people are so enthusiastic about the second amendment but any amendment about voting and other human rights gets left out.
It’s always interesting when I tell people that when I was a child I didn’t see much children’s programming and they look at me like I had a horrible childhood because I missed out because the staple of it wasn’t a televised product designed by corporations and marketers. And pardon me for finding the news more interesting than Cabbage Patch dolls.
But if watching any kid’s programming taught me anything it was that if I dug a hole far enough a racist depiction of a Chinese man would greet me.
Charmin toilet paper commercials piss me off because they have made their brand around a family of bears wiping their asses and I guess Charmin is also claiming they have answered the age old zen riddle “Do bears shit in the woods?”
They should have something like Eurovision for the United States where all the states sing a song written by someone in their state except Illinois because Illinois sucks. If it was a murder or corrupt politician contest then we’d allow Illinois to compete.
Every beach is a nude beach when you have nothing left to lose.
I have been researching the song “Cotton Eyed Joe” and I’ve come to the conclusion that the writer of the song was dealing with his father abandoning him because of the line “Where did you come from, where did you go”.
I heard an advertisement that said, “If your mouth could talk it would ask for Cheetos”. I think this is one of the worst slogans ever. What do we talk out of? Our bellybuttons? Our nostrils? Also the only people that seemingly buy Cheetos are stoners so that will just confuse the hell out of them.
I just found out that Bing can translate phrases into Klingon. I figure nerds will use that just as soon as they figure out what Bing is.
Girls, the bigger your boobs are the more creepers you get following you and the creepier they get. Now, who wants to send me nude pics so I can study for my anatomy test?
It would be awesome to have a list of everyone who ever masturbated while thinking of me. The only thing is I doubt there’d be any names on my list.
Sometimes you just need your genitals massaged by someone’s mouth and right now is one of those times.
Did you know that circuses are the number one form of entertainment in Japan? Why else would they choose to make their flag a close-up of a clown’s face?
I dream of a world where you can order a Bud Light and you get a low calorie strain of marijuana and not a glass of water.
I’d like to see an episode of Maury where Luke Skywalker comes on wanting to find out who his father is and when Maury says Chewbacca isn’t the father then Chewbacca would do a wicked cabbage patch dance.
I don’t know what to feel about watching a “Feed the Children” infomercial and seeing that if you send money they will send you at-shirt that is available in XXXL.
I’ve always wanted to be surveyed for Family Feud so that when a question is “When is your bedtime,” you’ll be able to tell my answer. It’s always going to be “Giant floppy donkey dicks”.
Overheard at school: “Did you know Elton John wrote a song called “Candle in the Wind” and it’s about Marilyn Manson?”
Sometimes I feel like a foreskin. Cut off, forgotten, unwanted, and thrown away.
I was in Walgreens the other day and saw that they had condoms in a section called “Family Planning”. It should be labeled “Family Preventing”.
The NBA is considering lowering the hoop from 10ft. to 9ft.so that there can be more non-black players and the league will be diverse.
The best part of waking up is that moment when you realize you cried yourself to sleep because the only person that seems interested in you is mentally handicapped and once threatened to stab you with a knife at a church function.
I think that carving Mount Rushmore was impossible. I bet that guy just discovered it and told people he carved it because come on.
The Miami Heat could be playing a game against the Taliban and I’d cheer for the Taliban.A gay guy, a black guy, and a Jew walk into a bar and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you gentleman” because that bartender isn’t some sort of dick that would deny service to people based on orientation, race,or religion.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:I was thankful I finished everything on my “To Do” list today. It was just a doodle of a bottle of beer and a set of breasts. My “To Do”list for tomorrow seems tougher. I have to tell my second-best friend that he’s really my third-best friend.
I heard a girl say “chivalry is dead” this weekend. She’s right. It pretty much died when girls started dating assholes.
I was upset that the last time I visited Detroit no one challenged me to a rap battle. Sure, I was shot at but no rap battles. I had some mad rhymes about fettucini alfredo that I was going to spit out.
I’m pretty sure people who listen to Jimmy Buffett listen to him because they are too lazy to listen to anything else.
I love my reciprocating saw because it loves me and I love it and it loves me and I love it.
I like to stab straws into boxes of wine because it makes me feel like a kid again and reminds me of drinking juice pouches.
Something misogynistic.
I think the best way to turn on a girl with a sext is to send her a photo of your credit card.
I hate when girls complain about me having an ugly face. You’re just going to sit on it so why do you need to look at it?
One man's trash is another man's place to hide out for awhile until the police helicopter is done hovering over the block.
My secret to losing weight this summer? Driving around in my car for an hour without the air conditioning on and the windows rolled up.
The first time you ever say “music is crap these days” you have become your parents.
Is it alright for me to push a girl down the stairs if she’s wearing a slinky dress?
I decided to put out a candy dish this past weekend. The only bad part was that I ate all the candy before anyone could see it. This is also why I don’t have candles in my house.
I assume the best part of being unemployed is being able to watch NSFW stuff at all hours of the day.
I saw my sex drive on the back of a milk carton.If I worked on a road crew, I’d be the guy leaning on my shovel, wiping the sweat from my brow, and looking with a look of concern while all the other guys did all the work.
Last night I was in my bed and I stared at the stars and then I began to wonder where my ceiling was.
I sometimes think there are more Applebees in America than there are apples and bees.
The original Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, is now the age of Mr. Miyagi when the movie was filmed. Feel old?
Why do we say “horseback riding”? It seems sort of redundant because I don’t know anyone that goes horsehead riding.
Apparently Yahoo bought Tumblr. In other uninteresting news, AOL bought Myspace.
There is a possibility that there is going to be a reality show about Green Bay Packers fans. There is currently a show about Oakland Raiders fans. It’s called “Cops”.
Marijuana is a gateway drug because every time you use it you end up buying a Gateway computer.
Whitney Houston is still alive every morning when I sing her songs in the shower.
I watch Hoarders so I can find cool new stuff to store in my house.
Nothing reminds you that you’re overweight like trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If I was a Greek philosopher my name would be Insecurities.
The saying “the customer is always right” does not apply at a strip club. They don't like it when I cry in the V.I.P. room after complaining that my lap dance was too fast.
I remember the first time I saw the movie Psycho. I didn’t shower for a week. It also happened to be my first week in prison.
My parents don’t know much computer lingo. The only word they seem to know is “downloading” but to them everything is downloading. They think going on the internet is downloading. I tell them time and time again that I’m not downloading porn but I’m uploading it. There’s a big difference.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
While some people are worried about the illiteracy rate in this country, I’m more worried about the alliteracy rate.
Calling Nicki Minaj a rapper or singer is like calling yourself a guitarist because you beat Guitar Hero on the easy setting.
Netflix suggested I watch a movie about developing social skills. Fuck you, Netflix.
Once upon a time I pretended to be a priest and snuck into the confessional booth. Sir-Mix-A-Lot came in and said that he also enjoys small and medium sized butts.
The last time someone asked me “what’s up,” I replied, “A movie about the journey of an old man and boy as they float around in a house carried by balloons.”
I think now that it’s summer the odds of reading a blog that was written by someone wearing no pants is at it’s greatest.
I sometimes feel that some people on Friends Lock who come to my site yet aren’t my friends are the same type of people that go to a BYOB barbecue with two beers and then drink everybody’s beer and then crap in the pool.
Does anyone else smell vodka, gonorrhea, and desperation when they open my Xanga page?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Xanga it’s rape abortion Christianity racism circumcision feminism.
In the beginning, you use Xanga as therapy. At the end, you’re addicted to Xanga. Somewhere in the middle you see a bunch of Xangan boobs.
If you’re offended by something on Xanga there’s really no reason to announce it. From what I’ve noticed is that if you’re offended by something and announce it then that person will go out of their way to offend you all the time. It’s just Xanga. It’s the thing we use all day, every day which ironically holds no value to us.
When I die, I hope Xanga creates a scholarship in my name.
No animals were harmed in the creation of this post.
Friday, 17 May 2013
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I am looking for sechzehn
Sorry I haven't been around and won't be around tomorrow. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day. I thought I was feeling pretty good and was set to take the world by the horns or whatever the hell the slang is but I had some health setbacks that will be getting examined tomorrow at a hospital. It's of a serious nature and gross nature so I won't gross you out but I'll just say it involves blood coming out of multiple places where blood shouldn't come out. I spent most of my day in bed watching netflix. I am watching Dinosaurs. I remember watching it when I was a kid and how I just repeated catch-phrases and whatever the hell the baby said. Now I watch it and see that there were some good lessons in the show.
Well here's the meat and potatoes of this post. I was tagged by @wyckdstorm to share 16 facts about myself. I bet a few of you know this stuff about me. If you do just play along.
1. When I was in high school I could slamdunk. I think it had something to do with the muscles I developed from all my weightlifting. I could squat 700lbs and leg curl 300lbs. I think that helps with the legs but by the time I was in college I could no longer dunk.
2. I went to Lutheran school from preschool through college. I went to two high schools. One was a boarding school but it closed after my freshman year because my church body couldn't afford it as well as multiple other boarding high schools and two colleges. The state of Wisconsin bought the campus and it's now a prison. That school was once a Catholic school where young men trained to be priests. The guy who played Norm on Cheers went there for one year. Also one night in the dorm we blocked the doors when the floor supervisor left and we turned the floor into a giant slip and slide. The dorm supervisors and dean of students called the cops who came and busted down the barricades to get us out and in bed because this was about 11:30 and our bed time was 10:30. At my second high school I lived my sophomore year right behind the school(we're talking less than ten yards commute). The guy who lived in the house was the school principal and he housed students who had a long distance to travel. Anyway he died in a car accident about a week before school was supposed to begin. Well they let his wife stay in the house for the rest of the school year. I lived with 2 other guys and the principal's wife. One night we found the principal's keys for the school so we borrowed them and went streaking through the school. My English teacher saw me. She asked me the next morning in class if I was having fun.
3. Some of my nicknames throughout the course of my career have been Tiny (because I'm big and tall in some departments and tiny in others), Tank (During football I loved being able to run right through the line sort of like a tank goes through a wall), and Wurm (I think this came to me from the movie Friday and a guy just started calling me that and it caught on)
4. During school I played football, baseball and wrestled. I think the most memorable experience was my senior year playing in the state championship football game. We played a team whose mascot was "the ledgers". I thought they were a bunch of battling Catholic accountants but it turned out their school was on the ledge of a bluff. The game sucked because I tore up my knee and we lost 55-14.
5. Throughout my life I've coached volleyball, football, weightlifting, track, softball, baseball, and cross-country.
6. I once had coffee and donuts with Brett Favre. He bought a farmette from a doctor in my area and was using as a place to relax and hunt. One morning during the summer I had to go work an 18 hour shift in the Dells. I stopped at the convenience store by my house before I hit the road. Favre was in there eating donuts and drinking coffee and signing stuff and telling everyone that we'd (Packers...I can say "we" because I am a team owner) win the Super Bowl. I casually walked over and grabbed a coffee and some donuts and asked how the line was looking. He laughed. He said that my stuff was on him. I thanked him and more people flooded in and they all began talking about hunting and I had to get to work.
7. I've owned 3 cars in my life, a Pontiac Bonneville, a Chrysler Concorde, and a Chevy Blazer. I have had 5 car accidents in my driving career. 4 of those accidents involved deer. I hit a deer doing about 55 with my Pontiac and that broke a couple ribs. The deer was mangled but it still ran away. I got to the police station because I didn't have a cellphone and there was nothing around. I told a cop I hit a deer and he came out and said, "I'd say you didn't hit it as much as you fucked it up." I then realized that there was a leg on my roof and a bunch of intestines in my grill and bumper. I hit one that came running out of a school parking lot with my Chrysler just two weeks after I bought the car. Then the next time I hit one with the Chrysler was when I was coming home from student teaching and a deer ran in front of me. I didn't know I was on ice and slammed on my brakes and soon I'm facing the direction I'm coming from because my car turned counterclockwise. I ran out of road to slide and flipped off a 30 foot cliff. I woke up a half hour later hanging upside down. I don't know how many times I rolled but when they got my car out the only place in the roof where it wasn't flattened was where I was sitting. I actually still have a bump on my head from that. Then one time I was coming home and I was on ice and a deer jumped out and I hit it's ass with my side mirror and ended up slamming into a ditch filled with snow. I couldn't get out with my 4WD. I think this is some karmic thing because I hunt. When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me.
8. The hardest thing I ever taught in my teaching career was sex ed to sophomores. I taught it in a religion class so you can guess how we handled sex. Anyway two jokers ask me questions that stuck with me: "Mr. W, I'm a male and I know Jesus was a male and as a male certain things happen...well do you think Jesus ever got boners?" "Mr. W, is S&M sinful?" Maybe I should also include all the times I was asked if oral sex "counted".
9. I have a fear of birds. I was divebombed while on vacation as a kid and the bird crapped all over my face. Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots and they would attack me. Birds hate me so I avoid them at all costs.
10. I had chicken pox three times as a child. It has left my skin allergic to numerous things which include nickel, ink, and Ivory soap.
11. I was in choir for 7 semesters in college. I was in an all male choir. Some girls say they'd love to spend time in our practice room because there were at least 100 guys in the choir. Remember they were college students and not all have the best hygiene. It got ripe in there.
12. I wear size 17(the American sizing chart) for my shoes. It is damn near impossible to buy shoes. Most shoe stores only carry to a 12 or 13. I have to go to a store that deals with the Wisconsin Badgers. I remember my shoe size was always a source of rumors on the bus. Yes, I rode the bus in high school. I lived away from home during high school and my parents wouldn't let me have a car because they couldn't keep tabs on the car if I was away. Anyway a group of girls asked me my height and my shoe size. I told them and then I heard giggling and then gasps and then muffled, "I really want to see it." I always tried to figure out their devil's math but they refused to tell me. And all these years later I think I've finally figured it out.
13. I once considered myself to be a professional groomsman. I can't even remember how many weddings I've been in as either a groomsman or usher. I'd say maybe close to two dozen. And I was stupid because I always rented tuxes and never bought one.
14. At one point in my life I had 8 piercings. 5 were in my ear and then my eyebrow and I'll let you determine the others.
15. One Saturday I coached a football game in central Minnesota. After the game finished, I hopped in my Blazer and drove 6 hours to Milwaukee to catch a Radiohead show. After the show, I drove back to Minnesota where I was ordained as a minister. I made it back to my house to catch a shower and change.
16. I quit smoking cold turkey on July 3, 2007.
Now who to tag?
@Zissu25 @xDark_horizonx @adamswomanback @distractedbyzombies @Marica0701 @HUMOR_ME_NOW @americanalien @lithium98 @sleekpunk @emily_shannon @raspberryjade @leaflesstree @nov_way @whyzat @jersey_jenn @we_deny_everything
That really helps me aim better.
The Dali Lama knows what's up. When you say "Wisconsin", you've said it all.
Yeah the winters really suck.
SO TRUE!
Every time it's been brought up the past few days I've said this.
I wonder if they take their work home with them.
Yeah that's about right.
I'd double check too, Lil' Kim
Why is it that every night at about midnight I get bacon cravings?
I really do hate when people call me Sin-a-mmon Bubbles.
Yeah she does
I need to stop writing graffiti.
I now have an idea for my Hanukkah cards.
I find that people outside of Barbie.com don't like it as well.
It's almost here.
Well I have to sign-off for now. I don't know when I'll return. Hopefully the hospital will have wifi. Sigh. I love you, Xanga.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
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Motivation
I’m thinking of inventing a messaging service like Carfax. It will send you the number of times the previous owner of a car had sex inside of it. I’m thinking of calling it Carfux.
If Jimmy cracked corn, then why should I care? I don’t know Jimmy.I don’t know his life and if he wants to crack corn, then why shouldn’t he? Who am I to stand in the way of this man and his corn cracking?
I hear Kevin Bacon makes a lot of money for his new TV show. I guess he’s really bringing home the him.
Cleveland police have been ordered to take a mandatory class to notice differences of photos of their asses and holes in the ground.
I wonder if when Dr. Kermit Gosnell was declared guilty if he did “Kermit arms” when the verdict was read.
I hope all the moms out there had a good Mother’s Day. It’s a shame there’s not a day like that ford ads.
I would also like to send my deepest regards to all you up against the wall redneck mothers.
My Mother’s Day was strange because my mom sat me down, took off her hair to reveal it was a wig and that she was actually Tyler Perry.
Dear Hallmark, please put out a line of MILF Mother’s Day cards. Sincerely, Oedipus.
My mom used to say that if you can’t say something nice about someone then they’re probably an asshole.
I’m pretty sure this Mother’s Day, LL Cool J’s mom asked him to knock out Brad Paisley.
I can’t believe anyone had unprotected sex with my dad.
I hope my mom doesn’t get the symbolism of flowers being taken out of a place where they lived and put in a sterile vase until they die.
I hope the jizz in my nuts one day gives me expensive things on Father’s Day.
And your mom has now forgotten.
I passed a finger gun law that requires a background check before anyone can use them. Sadly all requests have come back declined because this isn’t an 80s insurance agent convention.
I woke up one morning to find my cats chewing on a box of my Fruit Loops. I guess you could say they are cereal killers. Oh and I also found a bunch of blood and human fingers and toes near where I keep their toys.
Calling me an asshole is like calling water “wet” or Jennifer Lawrence “hot” or Lindsay Lohan “sociopathic criminal”. These are things that are already known and don’t need discussion.
The politically correct terms for someone who has dwarfism are “little person” and “shawty”. I finally know what all those rappers are talking about.
If you buy me sliders from White Castle then you possess my eternal love. I probably shouldn’t say that because people will think I’m a slut for giving up my love just for some fast food. But they’re so tasty.
My life has had its share of bad moments but I suppose it could be worse. I could be one of those guys that are obsessed with My Little Ponies.
I was going to buy a safe but I was saddened to learn that I couldn’t afford one so I bought a dangerous and now I keep my valuables in a pile in my lawn.
I love having the images of certain girls running through my mind all day. I just hope they don’t trip over the bodies of people I’ve killed in my imagination.
They say there’s plenty of fish in the ocean but not for me since I am standing in a desert.
When people tell me that the Twilight books are much better than the Twilight movies, I think that’s the same as saying “dog shit tastes much better than horse shit.” Either way you’re still dealing with shit.
If you believe ethnic stereotypes are true then you’re dumber than the Polish.
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness. If you look around and don’t see four other people that means they’re out having fun and you’re stuck reading this.
You remember that one Toby Keith song about drinking and America? No, not that one but the other one. No, not that one either. The other one, the one about killing all people that aren’t “normal” color or Christian. Politicians shouldn’t be allowed to exploit the death of innocent people from terrorist attacks for their own gain. That’s Toby Keith’s job.
I had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and he tried to tell me a knock-knock joke. He got pissed off when I ignored him.
Do you know how professional sports athletes pick the number on their jerseys? It’s how many people they’ve murdered.
Why is it “swishy” when Morrissey cavorts about the desert in a sheer black shirt in the video for “November Spawned a Monster” but when Glen Danzig does it on an every day basis it’s considered “fucking awesome”? Please help me answer this because I’m in an argument with a pastor.
Hardee’s will be renaming all their hamburgers “Zuckerburgers” because they’re skinny, ugly, and cost a fortune.
My former girlfriend never liked surprise anal sex and she always warned me that some day it would happen to me. Well that day happened when I tripped on a rake and landed on a lawn dart.
If you were wondering what I did this weekend besides unsuccessful fishing and giving myself a concussion, it was writing an unnecessary sequel to Semi-Pro.
My dad was trying to look up porn online but somehow he wound up posting his searches on Craigslist.
I’m allergic to latex but I use latex condoms every time I have sex because it makes my penis swell up. The only drawback is that every time I have sex I go to the hospital.
Summer time at Walmart is like going to a Hedonism resort just with fewer teeth. It’s amazing how little clothing some people wear in public.
True love means never having to say “excuse me” when you fart.
There aren’t enough songs about love. We need more!
They say silence is golden and this is probably why diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Speaking of silence, a lot of guys say that they like blowjobs from their girlfriend or wife because it gives them silence. If your lady is silent during a blowjob then she’s doing it wrong.
I could probably go vegetarian if I was really self-disciplined about it but I could never go vegan because a life without cheese is a life I really don’t want to live.
And now your weekly dose of motivation:I have an idea for a TV show where all these girls sit around just eating popsicles, lollipops, bananas, and ice cream cones. Hollywood,hit me up!
If life handed me a shotgun and a bottle of whiskey instead of lemons, life and I would be good friends.
I need to invent time travel quickly because I just came up with some great ALF jokes. I could’ve extended that series by another 5 years.
My girlfriend wanted to play doctor so I diagnosed her as having a coma and then I went to the strip club.
Girls, if your guy goes to Jared to buy you jewelry then you better dump him because you deserve jewelry from a place that doesn’t have annoying TV commercials.
I have a feeling that there’s a person somewhere in the world that has a vagina tattooed inside his masturbating hand.
I accidentally got my testicles stuck in my zipper again. That is the last time I ever wear boots with zippers.
Sleeping alone is twice as lonely in a bunk bed.
I cheated on my SATs in high school. When I was taking them I got up and went to the bathroom and while in the bathroom I took my ACTs.
Before Walmart, where did families wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirts go to practice yelling each other’s names?
This summer my goal is to impress the ladies more with my hairy chest than all the hair sticking out of my Speedos.
What if the final episode of The Office it is revealed that Creed was actually Dr. Sam Beckett on an extended Quantum Leap mission?
Whenever someone texts me “K”, I text back “Potassium” and then I go masturbate furiously to a picture of the periodic table. No, no one ever texts me.
I hear based on the success of The Great Gatsby, Baz Lurhman is going to do a movie about “A Tale of Two Cities” and it will star Busta Rymes and the first line of the movie will be, “It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.”
Just once I would like to open a fortune cookie and have it say: “You and Prince will become the bestest of friends and you two will even have a super-secret handshake.”
If you turn all the lights off in your bathroom and stare at the mirror and say “Benghazi” 3 times you will become a FOX News contributor. Oh and while I’m on Benghazi, why is this such a big deal but when during Bush’s term in office there were over a dozen attacks on consulates and embassies and hundreds of Americans died it’s not? Also what about those WMDs? Oh and Halliburton contracts? Also if I had a dollar every time a conservative person tells me that they disagree with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan since Bush left office then I’d be Bill Gates.
I’m glad there is an international sign for choking because I was always fearful of going to France and grabbing my throat and having them think I liked their turtlenecks.
I was thinking of putting a webcam in my shower to make some extra money because I’m sure there are people out there that would want to see a fat guy showering. The only bad part is that I could only sing public domain songs like “Jimmy Crack Corn” and then I’d go into a discussion with myself about Jimmy’s right to crack corn.
I like when local car dealerships feature ads where the salesman show their children. I refuse to buy a car from a virgin.
I think I’m going to start lying on my resume because I’m pretty sure they won’t ask to measure my penis during an interview.
I’ve lost a few friends on Xanga over the past few days but that’s OK because I’ve haven’t lost the most important friend…you.
Women of Xanga, thanks for ruining real women for me. You’re intelligent, funny, and beautiful and you’re willing to bare your boobs to cure cancer. I love you so much. I would jump into raging waters to rescue you if you were wearing matching bra and panties.
The first rule of Xanga is if you can’t think of anything smart or funny to post about then make fun of those who have.
Here’s a tip on how to use Xanga. Do what you want to do and not what other people want you to do. Also post photos of boobs to gain followers and talk about sex and kiss lots of ass and if all of that fails make multiple accounts pretending to be your family and have these accounts recommend everything you write.
Just remember, some of you may be jealous that you appear on Top Blogs and have thousands of followers while those people could be jealous of you because you have a real life.
Xanga is just like a playground. There’s going to be bullies to kick sand in your face and ruin your fun. Just block them and try to stay away from the creep who is masturbating in the bushes.
Considering yourself to be popular on Xanga is like thinking you’re the sexiest person at the Laundromat.
Don’t take insults on Xanga seriously. More than likely you’re fighting with a 13year old kid on a Mountain Dew high and just because someone acts “immature”towards you doesn’t give you license to act that way to them.
Xanga is one of my only life skills.
I also regret to inform you that this will be my last post until my next post.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
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Homework Assignment 5/13
Hi, I'm back with more questions. I haven't graded last week's assignment because I need to get birthdays into my database. I feel bad because last week I missed two birthdays but I've noticed those Xangans are never around. Hmmm I should probably do a post about Xangans I miss. Well that's for another post but if people want to do it in the meantime then go for it. And Xanga photos still doesn't work...sigh...it's a death rattle.
Here's your new assignment:
1.
Who wins? Why?
2.
3.
Answer two questions to receive full credit and answer all three for extra credit.
Now get to work.
Sunday, 12 May 2013
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Boys Don't Cry
because it's #caturday
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you celebrate Mother's Day may it be better than mine.
TrueConnect
Pulse
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Hi, I'm alive. Found out today that one cousin is valedictorian of his class and another cousin is facing a court appearance
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The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants. (my horoscope)
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what do you know? XANGA WORKS! or at least I can open it
Recommended
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weblog entry from Erika_Steele
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weblog entry from Lithium98
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weblog entry from Super_Rob_of_the_Sky
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weblog entry from Zissu25
Archives
About Me
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Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi.
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