OH MY GOD.  I AM WRITING ON XANGA.

o_o...I am...also..still alive.

Does anyone have a house I can have?

You hurt me so much!  You're very good at it.

STOP IT!  WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?!?  You make me sick sometimes.  All I wanted was to be your friend, and you can't stop hurting me.  Fine.  But I still care about you, maybe even just to spite you now.

I take that back, if I can.

Yeah, whatever whiners.  I love Valentine's Day, single or not.

Woohoofuckinghooo

Does anybody else find themselves going to write an entry, and then opening a music program merely because they felt the need to have a song to write down in the 'currents' section of their most recent update?  I do that all the time.  I think it's because I'm used to LiveJournal - funny thing is xanga doesn't even have a 'currents' section. 

Well just so I didn't open Windows Media in vain, I'm currently listening to "Everything Sucks (When You're Gone)", by MXPX.  Fabulous song, I might add.  Bums me out a bit though, sometimes.

Haha, 'currents' sections are so obnoxious XD  As if everyone out there is so obsessed with you that they would be interested in knowing how you are feeling, what you're listening to, and all the other useless 'current' tidbits at every waking moment - "Oh thank God, she made an update.  Now I won't be in the dark as to what color her toe nails are!  They've been 'spring green' for like a freakin' week!"

As for a current mood, I'm going to leave it out mostly for the fact that I'm having trouble describing it.  Something along the lines of lonely...I think I just miss Jon a lot.  To the point that I feel a bit like crying tonight...that's weird.  Oh, I guess I didn't leave it out after all.  My apologies!

I miss Three Hills too.  I miss..being away from home for extended periods of time...Huh.  I'm hankerin' for a huge change...sounds like it's soon time to bugger out of here.  Too bad money rules over every major decision in the lives of modern-day civilians.  I used to wish I could run away so badly, when I was thirteen or so, because...I was bored.  And now I want to move out so badly because...I've matured.  And I'm also still bored.  So I guess, I'm maturely bored.  Or boringly mature...no wait, that's a whole different subject.

I think I've always hated being alone, (family members never seemed to count for company, ((and I do not know what this is - I guess they just become so comfortable around you that they have no trouble blowing you off or telling you that they hate your taste in movies or whatever)) ), but in the average life of a teenager you're expected to wish you were alone sometimes.  You know, "Leave me alone!" or "Stay out of my life!" or whatever.  But really, me, now that I'm not really her anymore...I need people.  People who are used to my lifestyle in the sense that...I don't have to be alone at 2 am anymore.  (Now that I read that over I realized that I've always needed that.)  And that's what I get when I'm at Jon's, or in Three Hills.  I'm with people who's lives are just starting, instead of relaxing in the places they've finally made it to.  I'm with someone who loves me all the time.  I'm with someone who will stay up all night talking about whatever's going on.  I'm with someone who will teach me how to play D and D instead of telling me that it's from hell.

...I feel like I've grown up more than anyone else in my family!  Boy, that's arrogant... 

Woohoo.
Jen wants a tablet.

Does anyone still use xanga? XD What the crap.
Why am I using it? This is so weird.

I want to apologize for thinking I'm better than all of you.  It's not fair and I'm sorry.  It's the same thing I've been complaining about for so long.  It's hard for me to see how you guys live and how I used to live and not think that it's close-minded, and I've experienced so much more now that my life has changed so much.  I don't know if it's good or not, I don't know if I'm happy or not, but I love that - I'm glad I don't know everything about my life...I think that's what life is about.  Will you still talk to me like I'm your equal?  Or will you always feel that I've "gone off the path"?  Just treat me like a person...not a person who's living 'wrong'.  No offence...but why can you determine what's wrong or right?  Can you claim to interpret the Bible perfectly and completely understand what God wants from us and from our lives?  You don't need to be sensitive towards me...you don't need to feel like anything in my life is a 'touchy subject', because that's ok.  Talk to me about anything - tell me EXACTLY how you feel.  Yell if you like - I love honesty.  I just want to know.  And do I still matter to any of you?  Really?  You say you love me when you see me, (which is not very often at all), but do you know me anymore?  Enough to love me?  Don't be afraid to just tell me.  I miss interaction.  There are only two people I can phone nowadays...You will say that I can phone anytime, but it's hard to call and just talk when you don't know much about my life anymore.  Maybe it would be nice to talk about it...

I want to tell you all about Jon, and how special he is to me, and how well he treats me, even though he isn't perfect.  I want to tell you about how much I love work, and who I am there.  I want you to be happy for me completely, not just on the surface. 

You guys remember when most of you came over to our basement and sat and cried when Megan died?  Remember listening to that song in silence and sobbing together?  My parents were sitting and watching us and we had peices of scrap book supplies strewn about at the bottom of the couches.  I remember that really well.

And remember when we went to Spokane?  And Nak?  I remember all that.  I remember lots.

I love this song... 

 Only in dreams...