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This past week, I REALLY messed up. I'm not going to go into the details of what I did, because I know that some of you will ask 5,498 questions about it, or try to give me advice on it, and I don't want/need that...I don't mean that in a mean way, but there's not way that I'm going to explain EVERYTHING that happened, so even if I told you what the specific "incident" was, you still wouldn't have enough information to really be able to say anything about it. Okay...so then, why am I even mentioning it at all? Probably that guilty conscious of mine. I just did an incredibly stupid thing. Gah...days later I'm still dealing with it.

I stayed up all last night. I feel as if I'm going to have a panic attack this morning, though I can't completely tell you why. I'm slightly stressed out about some stuff. I completely forgot that yesterday was a holiday until Thursday night. Problem was, I needed to go to campus to get some paperwork filled out, and had I remembered that the university would have been shut down on Friday, then I would have done it Thursday. I was sick most of Thursday, which is why I didn't do it then. I'm slightly concerned that there might be some negative consequences to not getting this paperwork filled out last week. Actually, what I'm more concerned about is someone pitching a fit about it and implying that I'm a lazy bum. Sigh...just thinking about it makes me want to get drunk and slice up my arms. This is not good...not good at all. I don't know why I allow this person to stress me out like this. I really shouldn't care, AT ALL, what she thinks about me. It's only because she's in a position of power/authority over me that I do care. She's not someone that I respect or anything like that (not that I "disrespect" her though), but I am "beneath" her in many ways. Basically, it's to my advantage (in many ways) that she's happy with me.

The past, perhaps 3 months, I've realised that a lot of my life these past few years has been a lie. Instead of figuring out who I am and simply being that person, I've been caught up in being the "Rhea" that everyone else has wanted me to be. I've spent so many years jumping through hoops trying to make everyone and their grandmother happy. The truth is, I've been doing that my entire life, but I guess that I'm just realising the this "hoop jumping" the last few years has caused me to veer VERY far from the person that I really am. I'm trying to figure out who that person is again. I'm trying to be honest with myself about who I really am, warts and all. Simply ignoring the "ugly" parts of myself won't make them go away. If there's stuff that I don't like, I need to learn to deal with it, and if I can change it, then I should...and if not...well, perhaps it's not really as "ugly" as I think that it is. I used to hate my scars...I used to think that they were ugly. I wanted to hide that part of me. I didn't want people to know that I used to cut myself. Now...now I think that my scars are beautiful. Now if someone thinks less of me because I used to cut myself I just don't care. I realise that that's there issue, and not mine. It's that person's loss, and not mine. I'm tired of lying about who I am, or hiding my past so that others will accept me. I've been doing this for so long though, that I'VE become disgusted with who I used to be. What other people think about me isn't even my real problem anymore...I've been hiding the real me for so long because I was told that the "real Rhea" was unacceptable to others, that I've begun to believe that myself. So now I'm left hating myself all over again, for completely different reasons.

Here I am hating myself once again for all new reasons. Am I really any better then?

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Why are you reading this?

Why do I even have a blog?

Why do I write about what I write about?

Why do I pour out my heart and soul some days?

Why do I post about the most ridiculous things other days?

Why do people comment?

Why do some people read every blog post, but never comment?