Life is so very complicated. I wish I could be posting about how great my life is going and about how excited I am to be going to Master's Commission in January. Both of those things are true actually, but it's not what's been on my mind lately.

Things have been pretty confusing lately. Mostly on the homefront. I can't seem to make anyone happy. Here's my dilemna, I can't live my life for my parents anymore. It's not their life and I don't want to be a little miniature of them. At the same time I don't want to be completely disrespectful in doing so. How do I be my own person while still honoring my parents? It's frustrating because I'll talk to them about it and things will be fine, and they'll tell me that they're going to let me do my own thing, but when I do something that they don't agree with they pull the reins back and once again they try to take control. I'm the oldest, so this is the first time that they've had to let one of their children become an adult, but sheesh...

Anyone been through this before that has any advice? I'm at a loss for how to please them anymore.

Jessie

Why is it that the most important decisions of your life are always the hardest ones? Right now i'm so scared that I'm going to do the wrong thing. It's like.. eating at me from the inside out. And to make things worse I don't exactly have a lot of time to make said decision. I kinda have a time limit and so I'm feeling pressured to decide. Which... I pretty much already have. But what I've decided is so completely different than anything I've ever done before in my life and I'm terrified. I feel like a silly little girl who needs to grow up. After all, lots of other people my age have done it. Why is it so scary though?

Anyways, sorry I'm being so vague and not giving any real details. I don't want to go tell the world than have my plans change again. Plus I don't need anymore advice right now. I've had about all the advice I can handle on this subject. If you think of me, pray that God will give me peace. Peace and the initiative to go through with it. Thanks!

Jessie

It's official. I'm out of school for the summer. I'm ecstatic! Now comes the really cool part... deciding what I want to do first!

It's all I have to bring today
This, and my heart beside
This, and my heart, and all the fields
And all the meadows wide
Be sure you count--should I forget
Some one the sum could tell
This, and my heart, and all the Bees
Which in the clover dwell.
-Emily Dickinson

My parents will be home from the beach in a few hours. Am I glad they're coming home? Or am I sad to no longer have the house to myself? I'm really not sure... Being alone at home for days on end gives me a taste of what it will be like when the day comes for me to move out. It's exciting and new, but strange. It's easy to be mature and responsible for a few days when I know my parents are coming home and will keep me accountable for what I did in their absence... but what will happen when the accountability is gone? Will I prove that I'm up for the task? I have no idea. I'm just glad that day is not today.

Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne'er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.

Not one of all the purple Host
Who took the Flag today
Can tell the definition
So clear of Victory

As he defeated--dying--
On whose forbidden ear
The distant strains of triumph
Burst agonized and clear!
-Emily Dickinson

In case you haven't noticed I love Emily Dickinson...

Jessie