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| It's killing me, I'll give it a couple hours to maybe a full day before I snap >_>
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| So I was forced to update again, *listens to iTunes* so that's what I'm doing. I've been working a lot on some new files in Stepmania, seeing as I switched to Spread, I now gotta make files that are Spread oriented...can't believe I spelled that word right on the first try, I'm not all hopeless.
The file I'm currently doing is Pretty Handsome Awkward, personally it's one of my better files, given that I've made over 50 you'd think I'd gain some skill :], and I have. I wanna download my first file I did which was Chapter Four by A7X. God it sucked so bad, but I remade it a while back, thought I did amazing the second time. I should download that one again too :]!
School has been eating up a lot of my time, I'm not doing as bad as I thought, and given that I'm being forced into doing every bit of work sorta has me on edge -_-. There's no real relaxing moment, I mean I can't even enjoy Stepmania like I thought I could. Oh and that feeling you're supposed to get when you're all done all that crap you had to do for school...I don't get it, I just get bored.
My aspirations to do something with computers is quickly fading, and what's worse is that it's been replaced with the dream of making music -_-. A lot of people think that's odd, perhaps even laugh at me...personally I don't care, Music is my only real talent, pretty much give me anything and I can make it make sound pretty (did it with a tic tac bottle :]). I wish I could of majored in some kind of computer thing, but I know that I'm one of those people who is good with computers and if he increases his knowledge will probably start remaking virus' -.-!
I don't know what else to put, personally I'm miserable, but I can't let up on being fake esp. in school, or I get to go to the happy ppl place again *pretends to shoot self* seriously it sucks being me 99% of the time. However I should be happy with my surroundings, though honestly if I died I wouldn't care. I really miss my drug habit too :] I'm not kidding hahahaha, that's what makes that so sad. No more on that though -_-
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| I don't know what to write about I've been told to update this thing, I don't use it much anymore because any friends I once had, I've lost, any happiness this thing gave me has been destroyed. I really don't know what to write about anymore, I'm a mess anymore, but not all of it's my fault, well perhaps I shouldn't try to be someone I'm not, but what if being that person isn't all bad, what if it's all good for me.
I don't have much else to say...I'll write later :]! Then you can all get my real thoughts ^_^.
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| So yesterday seemed eventful ^_^. I'm so tired as I write this, fkn WOW I'm exhausted. Anywho, I've got to thinking if what I'm doing is right =\. I still haven't figured it out yet =X, but I'm pretty sure it isn't. Yeah I'm lying to myself by saying I'm over her, but believe it or not, I am happy with Kyna, but still...I don't understand my thinking or reasoning behind it all. Seems since I've been dating Kyna the world has imploded or something. I mean everyone hates me now, nobody is really trusting of me, and I'm worried I'm not making her happy. What's odd though is that I can't stop thinking about Brittany, I read her away messages, or I see she's on, and I just wanna talk to her, but I can't....she'd yell at me =X. I could just do that steve thing I do...but that is still wrong. I want her to be okay, but it seems to do that I would have to make contact with her, which she doesn't want. Well if things get out of hand I'll step in ^_^, I'm good for that at least.
My Father tried to contact me today, I really haven't quite figured out how I feel about that, all I know is I don't trust this lady, or my father for that matter, and recently I've been thinking about what I'd do if I met him, after reading what he sent my mother, I'm pretty sure I'd kill him. Eh, it's like hard to explain, after 12 years he finally contacts us, and wants to know what my brothers name is, how my sister is, and what I've been up too. It seems like I'm especially engaged in the action, I'm pretty sure my father knows that if he were to do anything retarded he'd have me to deal with. Granted I'm not to threatening, unless provoked :D! I'm hella scary :D! Seriously though, I have my eye on this "woman" and my father...I've been finding quite a bunch of loop holes to things she says. None the less I'm still stuck on a couple of lines; "I guess our views of the past are different"...that would be him telling my mother that he never hit her, or any of us...when mother read that I got pissed off, how dare he try to tell my mother this all never happened, when I was there, and remember it all...
I've got a lot going on in my life, I think I just need an AZN Night as Miss Jennyfer calls it hahahaha, I think I might call up Kyna tomorrow and force her to hang out wiff me so as to keep my brain from going crazy. I just don't like what is happening around me, I can already see where this is going, I suppose I should put this out before the fire spreads...so to speak of course ^_^. While I do that, I need to figure out what to do about Miss Brittany, I'm worried about her, and I know I still care a lot too, but ehhhh, I can only come to her as a friend =X, which probably makes her hate me more *sigh*. Either way I'll continue to keep a watchful eye for both my mother and Brittany. Neither need anymore stress in their life than they already have. Though me contacting Brittany would probably cause more stress =X.
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| Let me start out by saying, t'was a pretty Merry Christmas ^_^. It was quite a thoughtful one too :X! Funny how it totally didn't phase me what the date was till I looked at my phone. I giggled when I saw, and I imagined what it'd be like to be back with her. Since the break up (she broke up with me due to thinking I was fondling other women peoples, and sorta being in a crappy mood), I don't blame her for for it, that's who she is, and as much as it hurts, if she thought that then I must not of been trust worthy enough.
Do I think it could of worked out...psh it still could, I'm just stubborn, or worse yet I'm pretty content with what I have now, Kyna is quite...I don't know how to explain it, but she's something I've needed for awhile. It seems I've been more or less neglecting my feelings, and just going with the flow of things. In turn this has had quite funny "negative" side effects, I've been having weird dreams, and by weird I mean like WEIRRRRD O_o, dreams. Recently I had one of the scariest, freakiest, all around WTFBBQSAUCE dreams. Vin Diesel was in it too :D, I killed him with a bathroom tile :D!!!!!!! One of the weirdest parts of it was entering a room to a guy attached to the wall crucifixion style, minus that it was barbed wire, and he was moving around screaming "Kill me, kill me please!" and in doing so he decapitated himself. Course you look at from a philosophical stand point, and that sorta makes sense with my mentality =\!
So usually I'd be doing drugs today because I hate my life, and blah blah blah, but not this time...I gots my reasons why I'm not gonna drug myself up, and also, I'mma get this out to the public, I don't do drugs 24/7, I quit with that, it was a stupid phase in my life, you people need to get over it and start trusting me when I say I'm clean! I still have people thinking all I do is get fkd up every single second of the day. Let me tell you now, I've done it before, and if you have even 1/100th of a brain you know it's stupid, and the toll it takes on your body is immense. I've long since drifted away from that scene, I've even stopped being friends with the people who are all about drugs. What honestly started out as "lets have fun through winter on occasion" turned into me barely remembering my summer :X! Though by technicality I was smarter, better, and over all cuter on drugs, I'm sure if I put what is left of my mind to it, I can achieve that in a state of sobriety :D!
Do I miss her is probably what she and the like 10 people actually read this wondering...or perhaps it just struck you because I asked in a statement O_o...whoa freaky paradox :D! The answer is simple in the nature of what way it is asked. Do I miss her, that I'm not really sure of, do I miss what her and I had, yes very much, even if it was fighting, usually it was so stupid, and she'd realize it later anyway :D! 99% of the time anything that went wrong was a misunderstanding, a cute one at that, I don't know, her being angry over the phone was always a slight turn on, not in a sick sorta way, but just in a "hahaha she can't talk right when she's mad, and it sounds so adorable" sorta way =)! I guess you could say I miss her, I do think about her a lot, and I know I have to respect what she asks, which is for me to stay out of her life. Whether it's something she really wants or not she's gonna have to figure out for herself. Yeah I know it's lame to say "oh I'm content with what I have" when I had her for so long, to her and others around it must seem like I move on rather fast, but I don't, I'm just insanely good at hiding emotion, or contorting it, am I proud of it...yeah probably >_>!
Nick (Super Druggie [Reason For Downfall]) called me last night :D! "Yo, did you change my password?" Course I did, I replied "pretty stupid right, I'm surprised you noticed that one first, and yeah I changed your password" and course he replies "you're a dick that was so stupid of you to do it's like..." then he hung up.
Now is it stupid? Yeah :D, BUT I did that on purpose, I wanted him to see that me changing his password (and a couple other things he hasn't found out yet :D) is like him not trusting me to make up the money to him, and him freaking out over stupid shit that didn't even work. For him to just never talk to me again because some drugs he got didn't work for my friends, and he says they did, when he wasn't there, is just retarded...kinda like changing a password, the log in, the fixture of his myspace, the parts of HTML to sorta in a sense "track" stuff, and over all hacking of other things. Do I wanna be his friend...fuck no, he's something of a past I don't wanna remember :X...even if it made Brittany love me more >_<! Oh and not gonna lie, changing his password gave me "loller-flies" on the inside (neat I made up a word :D!).
So back to the ex...I really don't know what to think or say, it's like I wanna talk to her, but ehhh...I can't, she won't let me :X! I suppose it's best for her, though dating someone who she clearly doesn't love, or feel something for, is pretty muffed up, that is Brittany, and I can't really judge her on that, as if I were alone I'd probably attach myself to someone too, though in the short sense it's using a person for false senses of security, and overall just using them in general; I am one to judge, I've done it before ._.! Look I really don't know how I feel about the whole situation, I mean, I'm so confused on my emotions it's not even funny. Like for instance, being with Kyna on Saturday, I was REALLY happy, was true happiness, I don't really know, I mean, OMG I totally enjoyed every second I was with her, I think I may have enjoyed that single fact that I was with a very intelligent person, or perhaps I was happy to be around another woman...OR maybe I'm falling for her hard :X. Which in short I suppose is fine, but, it's awkward, I never wanted to imagine a life with out Brittany, right now just thinking about it bothers me, but not as much as it use too.
That night with Kyna was, for lack of a better word, amazing. I really believe this woman loves me, *sigh* if only you could of been at the movies *smiles*, I really felt like I was special to her, especially when before when I was talking about Brittany the day before, she looked at me and went "I'm not really the jealous type", but on Saturday, she looked at me, then looked to the side and said, "since we've gotten here Steve, women have been checking you out left and right >_>." and I jokingly said "what I gots something on my nose :D?!?", and she just looked at me smiled and said "no, you look so amazingly hot tonight, but you usually do >_>", course I laughed and went "awww Kyna, you're broken :D, you think I'm attractive!", "Hush you are, and so does everybody else.", then I said something awesome and cute =), cause I'm just fkn cool like that :D! To which she said "oh so if I wasn't attractive you'd go run to them?", lolz my exact words were "hmmm....touché (or however it's spelled :X)." I don't know, it's nice to be able to look at her and know she's as happy as I am. I can see her and I lasting a long while :D, course her dad....oh boy her dad >_>, my God it's worse than Brittany's mom, where as Brittany's mother really never said anything terrible to me, Kyna's dad does it all the time, and funny as it is, sorta freaks me out at the same time. I mean I thought it was a normal father reaction at first, but it seems like he thinks I'm going to change her, I want nothing of the sorts, I'm not gonna drag her into a druggie induced word full of failure and broken dreams, where people think the solution to a problem is smoking, shooting up, or anything of that sort. Nor do I wanna drag her from her studies. Again, I'm like a straight F's student, and she's like A+++++++ student, in Stepmania terms that's like a AAAA, something I wish I could obtain, but suck to much too do =\. Not even gonna ask why I related life to a rating in a game.
I haven't quite figured out whether I deserve her or not, or whether the feelings I have towards here are sincere, being as fake as I am, I can even trick myself a lot *sigh*. I don't wanna lie to myself, but what if sub consciously I can't help it :X. That then would make me question myself heavily. Telling Brittany all this really upset me, I knew it had to be done, but of course Brittany went into Brittany mode and only understood that I wasn't coming back...least not yet ._. I won't lie, Kyna has asked about her, and she's learned not to, for her own good :X. I think...no I know she knows how attached to Brittany I am/was, so asking a questions is usually bad as I won't lie to her :X.
Being with Kyna has caused nothing but problems on the outside, inside, I truly believe I'm content with her, that I really feel like things could go far, not like sexually mind you >_<, but like I may actually be really happy for the first time in a long time, not that Brittany never made me happy, she did once, even happier than Kyna has made me, but those times are in the past, and though Brittany has finally changed into a person I can highly admire, it came to late...I just pray that what ever guy she chooses to be with (besides Nick C.) that he takes as good care of her as he possibly can, oooooor I'mma have to go to their house and beat them down real good like =D! She deserves the best, over all she is amazing, perhaps her and I were only destined to further show us what we truly wanted in life. Though there is quite a lot of irony in that statement, and it goes both ways =\.
Well, I miss her a lot, I wish she'd talk to me, she seemed happy yesterday, it made me smile too, I'm glad even though she's upset, she can still manage to be happy. Even if I were just her friend, I would do whatever I could to make her happy, she's amazing, beautiful, and got so much talent, she's a rare breed, she's got looks, and a brain (when she decides to use it...I know I've seen it), she has the determination to do whatever she wants, but I think it's a matter of inspiration really. I hope she finds that one day....be it inside herself, around her, or someone else.
To end this post, I shall end it on a weird note. I've been having a dream about me being in an apt. with Tiff, Justin, Nigel, Brittany, Jarret, Holden, Amanda, Some random dude, Nick C., Kyna, and I. Tiff and I never talk really, and when we do Justin always interrupts, and frankly they're always having sex or something when they appear in my dream (funny if you ask me ^_^), then there's Jarret and Holden, they seem to watch over Brittany Heavily, and though they like me they don't let me get real close to Brittany, Amanda is weird...I don't know how to explain how she is, her emotion usually to cheer Brittany up, though when no one is around she tends to flirt with me (psh..I wish :P..kidding) she also looks much different, but I know it's her. Nigel always tries to kill me, one time he actually shot me, I got up and...well, I grab him the neck held him against the wall and just crush his throat in :X. A weird sense of happiness came over me when I did that hahahaha. Nick and Brittany don't seem to get along, he treats her like crap, and a lot of the time I scream at him, and when I do that it upsets Kyna :X. When I'm around Kyna though...it seems like Brittany is always around to break us apart, like when she was resting on my shoulder, I grabbed her and pulled her near and Brittany sees this and always freaks out, and like Kyna just looks at me and just gets this look about her that's so sad...it like tears my insides out that's how depressing it is :X. One time I was alone laying down, and Brittany came up over me and went "whatcha doing?" with the biggest smile, and I looked at her and went "She's not around, if you want me, you can have me, and I just look away feeling regret" and she looks at me and goes "Well whatever Steve, I understand if you don't wanna touch me, granted I'm hot as fuck right now." and I just giggle, look at her and go, "that statement is redundant, and sorta ironic." and she asks me what that means and I sit up and grab her arm and pull her down on the couch with me and I start to like fall asleep in her lap.
The weirdest one that ever happened was me bleeding and it's raining, and Kyna and Brittany both look at me, and at the same time they tell me to choose, Kyna says...course I'm paraphrasing here, "If you stay with me, you know what will come of it, I can make you happy, and I do very much love you, but if you leave me for Brittany, I will understand, I can't change your emotions no matter how much I love you. You know I would do anything to keep you steve...anything and she gives me that really depressing look. I'm assuming it was a reference to drugs :X.
Brittany on the other hand says (paraphrasing again), "You know if you come with me, I can take care of you better, you know you want me, you know deep down that the love you have for me could never even come close to the you have for Kyna. You're just lying to yourself, and you always tell me that's wrong so why don't you come with me, we'll have little Brittany and Stevens, and we'll live in NC, like we always wanted too; we'll grow old and die together too, it'll be perfect, and we'll always be happy, I love you Steven, you love me too, it's only right that you come to me, and stop lying to yourself...you want me, I know you, you know you do!"
After they both make their speeches I just look at them and I like black out, (woooo save by the bell :D!)...I don't think if that happened in real life, I'd be able to choose :X....I hate hurting peoples feelings, some would say in the end it matters whether you're happy or not...not what their emotions are. To me that's selfish, and I won't have a part in it....I have a heart bigger than anyone knows.
So to sum this up, I'm fine with Brittany being gone, it's what she wants, I'm very happy with Kyna, and I really don't think I'll run back to Brittany, not like I have to, she's the one that broke up with me. Though I still have feelings for Brittany, they ain't as strong as they use to be, not saying that if she ever appeared in front of me that they wouldn't come back :X, just saying that I just have very very strong feelings towards Kyna...she is amazing believe it or not hahahaha. I don't wanna get into that though...for many reasons, time not being one of them...just I know she'll read this
(Hi Brittany :D!)
...and I'd like to spare her mentality.
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