bingebingebinge

ugh yesterday me and my friend who restricts too went to the salad car at stop and shop and got salad.  my body was getting used to not eating big meals but i got really full after that and i think i stretched my stoamch.  then i got home and i started picking at this pasta alfredo someone in my family made and i realized i unknowingly comsumed too many calories.... so then i decided to eat all the sushi i bought too because i was going to purge.  so i purged and i thought i got most of it up but i gained .8 today. ugh 114 again.  and then i started my morning/day off horribly.  i decided for breakfast id have some light ice cream and i put a lil chunky pb in it and light hot fudge..only a lil though.  i ate that and then everyone left my house and i felt the urge.... so i ate some salad.. the rest of the ice cream.. whcih wasnt that much... and a whole bag of 98% fat free popcorn (about 230cals) right now i feel so disgusting and i need to purge... im almost thinking i should eat more if im gonna.

god i hate this.

i feel so out of control. and disgusting. i hate doing this.

fuck.

shoot me.

Wow i was actually 113.4 today...

I dont really feel that small.. even though its not that small haha.  But my body feels a little different.  I hope its not just that i felt a little dehydrated this morning and the second i drink anything ill gain a pound or so. Whatever ..numbers on the scale going in the downward direction motivates me much more than anything i think.  Or waking up.... and of course the first thing i do before even opening my eyes is to run my hands over my stomach and see the damage or ..gauge where im at... how much my hipbones are sticking out when im laying down..or how much they arent.  If they are and my stomach feels flatter... it makes it all so worth it. 

I was having a discussion with my boyfriend yesterday about being skinny and whatnot.  We were talking about a friend of mine and i always ask him if shes skinnier than me but he wont answer.  I just really wanna know, but we have totally different bodies.  But then we were talking and hes like "shes skinny.. but not good she doesnt have a nice body... theres a difference between being skinny and being fit blahblahblah" and i asked him what he considers me and he hesitated to answer but then hes like "you're normal theres nothing wrong with you"  to me that just means im fucking gross. 

Normal bodies do not = good bodies.  A "normal" person to me is someone with a little bit bigger parts and definitly not skinny or even that close to skinny.  And "theres nothing wrong with you" to me just means im not attractive im just "normal" or "okay" ..but he doesnt find me to be anything more.

As you can probably tell i overanalyze things WAYYY too much.... but those kind of comments just dont leave my mind.  He acts attracted to me but i bet he thinks i have fat legs and a disgusting ass...not to mention gross lve handles and wishes i was skinnier.

BLAH. Ok im done with my rant.

I hope everyone is doing awesomee. Pray for a good day. haha

I really seem to have a problem at nighttime and its starting to piss me off.  Its like theres something psychological that makes me want to eat whenever i come home from somewhere.... especially if im alone in the house and everyones sleeping. It sucks.  Because I will do goood ALLL day and then night falls and i eat and ruin the whole days work.  I need to change this pattern... I think if i start to not do that anymore it can become a habit or somethingg.

EH.

I didn't weigh myself yet today, i'm kinda scared.  I just started to get back on track once again. My life is a constant falling off the wagon and getting back on sort of thing and its really beginning to piss me off. 

At my highest which wasnt that long ago when i was doing SOOO bad and not weighing myself i finally did one day and said this is enough... i was all the way up to 122. For me thats high. Yesterday I weighed in at 115.8 but i feel more like a 116.5 right now. haaa. We'll see. I have work all day/night so if i can do goood there and go to sleep without eating right before that will be awesome. I can't wait to see under 115 again. Its been too long. 

Thennn 110. Then 105.. but lets not get ahead of ourself.  I remember last summer 115 was a high for me...when i would get there i would be like whoaaa okay you need to cut down on the intake girl.  Now its almost an achievement haha. 

I just want skinny legs so bad.. i always see these girls with tiny little legs and they look so cute.. mine are all big, bulky, and disgusting. Meh.

Well I think im gonna start writing here again...it doesnt seem like I really have any subscribers anymore since its been so long but it had helped me in the past so illl try it again. 

I hope everyone has a great day!

fat disgusting fuck

I have let myself go wayyyyy too far now. This has GOT TO stop.  I can't stop looking in the mirror at my body and wanting to throw up everytime.  I just want to be skinny and every summer I never get to wear the cute clothes and shorts or go to the beach like i want to, because i just feel too disgusting.  Last summer (like every summer) i said to myself... next summer willl be different i have a year so by then ill be at least skinnier and get to wear things i want.  But NOOO of course im actually FATTER than i was then.. or maybe even ever. I havent weighed myself because im just too scared.   I got a new job and ive been going to school and hanging out with my boyfriend so i have absolutely NO time to go to the gym and all that.  But school is ending soon and i have to get back at it.  Today is a new day and im trying to start over eating wise.  I feel so much food in my body from previous days i just feel so weighed down and SO FUCKING disgusting i cant take it anymore.  I feel like im just gonna keep getting fatter and fatter.  The clothes that used to be the clothes i liked how they fit me... like pants a litttttle loose.. are now tight fitting. ugh.  and the worst thing is my love handles.. ive always had a thing with them but NOW they are out of control.  lobbing over my pants ::gag:: 

I want to take an exacto knife to my body and just carve off a lot of this gross fat. 

yo-yo

I of course went out to eat last week or the week before..whenever it was i wrote last i think.. with my boyfriend. I had been doing really well and I ate something fattening which seemed to ruin everything i had going for me.  I gained a few pounds back.. not all of it at least but just enough where i feel really gross again. I'm probably like 116.... im a little afraid of the scale at the timebeing actually.

Other than being fat though everything is going awesome... besides work. I now HATE my job and anything i want to do im not very qualified for because i have no experience. blahhh. fuck banquet halls. My boyfriend is awesome. He actually makes me feel like he likes me, which is often hard to do.  I alwaysss question the persons true feelings. Its funny hes like the girly one that tells me his feelings and everything and then im just like the man thats like ohh yeah me too i feel the same. haha. I just hate expressing myself, its so hard. Im not used to it at allll.

Anyway off to work i go for about 16 hours.

<33Take care ladies.