fat disgusting fuck

I have let myself go wayyyyy too far now. This has GOT TO stop.  I can't stop looking in the mirror at my body and wanting to throw up everytime.  I just want to be skinny and every summer I never get to wear the cute clothes and shorts or go to the beach like i want to, because i just feel too disgusting.  Last summer (like every summer) i said to myself... next summer willl be different i have a year so by then ill be at least skinnier and get to wear things i want.  But NOOO of course im actually FATTER than i was then.. or maybe even ever. I havent weighed myself because im just too scared.   I got a new job and ive been going to school and hanging out with my boyfriend so i have absolutely NO time to go to the gym and all that.  But school is ending soon and i have to get back at it.  Today is a new day and im trying to start over eating wise.  I feel so much food in my body from previous days i just feel so weighed down and SO FUCKING disgusting i cant take it anymore.  I feel like im just gonna keep getting fatter and fatter.  The clothes that used to be the clothes i liked how they fit me... like pants a litttttle loose.. are now tight fitting. ugh.  and the worst thing is my love handles.. ive always had a thing with them but NOW they are out of control.  lobbing over my pants ::gag:: 

I want to take an exacto knife to my body and just carve off a lot of this gross fat.