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| Jentry Jones once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. | | |
| Jentry
Jentry Jones tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Jentry Jones does not sleep. He waits.
Jentry Jones is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Jentry Jones is pain.
If you can see Jentry Jones, he can see you. If you can't see Jentry Jones, you may be only seconds away from death.
Jentry Jones has counted to infinity. Twice.
Jentry Jones does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Jentry Jones goes killing.
Jentry Jones' blood type is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
Jentry Jones is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a Native American.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Jentry Jones, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Jentry Jones once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Jentry Jones' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Jentry Jones is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Jentry Jones out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Jentry Jones, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Jentry Jones has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Jentry Jones what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
When Jentry Jones sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Jentry Jones has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Jentry Jones' fist.
Jentry Jones invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Jentry Jones can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Jentry Jones allows to live.
What was going through the minds of all of Jentry Jones' victims before they died? His shoe.
Jentry Jones is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Jentry Jones as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Jentry Jones doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Jentry Jones and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jentry Jones played in second grade.
Jentry Jones has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Jentry Jones that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Jentry Jones' warm-up exercises.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jentry Jones.
Jentry Jones doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Jentry Jones military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Jentry Jones could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jentry Jones could use to kill you, including the room itself.
When Jentry Jones goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Jentry Jones has breathed on.
When Jentry Jones falls in water, Jentry Jones doesn't get wet. Water gets Jentry Jones.
Jentry Jones' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Jentry Jones doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Jentry Jones, all McDonald's in Louisiana have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Jonesisized".
Jentry Jones CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Jentry Jones roundhouse kick could power the islands of Japan for 44 minutes.
Jentry Jones can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jentry Jones has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Jentry Jones roundhouse kick.
While urinating, Jentry Jones is easily capable of welding titanium.
Jentry Jones doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Jentry Jones is Jentry Jones.
When taking the SAT, write "Jentry Jones" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
Jentry Jones has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1989 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Jentry Jones randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Jentry Jones grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Jentry Jones"
Jentry Jones ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
If you Google search "Jentry Jones getting his butt kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen
Jentry Jones doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Jentry Jones. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Jentry Jones 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Jentry Jones has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Jentry Jones currently lives in Japan.
When Jentry Jones is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Jentry Jones once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Jentry Jones to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Jentry Jones can touch MC Hammer.
Years ago, Jentry Jones came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Jentry Jones played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Jentry Jones pajamas.
Jentry Jones once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 100% chance of Pain.
When Jentry Jones does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
When Jentry Jones plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Jentry Jones is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Jentry Jones does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Jentry Jones' fists is inside his own body
Jentry Jones uses a night light. Not because Jentry Jones is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Jentry Jones.
Jentry Jones does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Jentry Jones because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Jentry Jones' autobiography.
Jentry Jones can slam a revolving door.
Jentry Jones is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Jentry Jones does not swim. This is because when Jentry Jones enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Jentry Jones simply walks across the pool floor.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Jentry Jones instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Jones roundhouse-kicked Sauron halfway through the first chapter.
The last thing Hellen Keller saw or heard was Jentry Jones.
Jentry Jones eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
Jentry Jones is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Jones tank until Jentry Jones decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Jentry Jones, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been bad enough to be named after Jentry Jones.
Superman once watched an episode of The Adventures of Jentry Jones. He then cried himself to sleep.
Jentry Jones doesn't step on toes. Jentry Jones steps on necks.
Jentry Jones does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
3: Cancer
2: Heart Disease
1: Jentry Jones
Jentry Jones once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
The last thing you hear before Jentry Jones gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Every time Jentry Jones smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Jentry Jones asks for a body bag.
Jentry Joness doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
For undercover police work, Jentry Jones pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Jentry Jones is the stuntman for every character.
Jentry Jones once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Jentry Jones made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Jentry Jones' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Jentry Jones halloween costume he was wearing.
Jentry Jones invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Jentry Jones is kicking your butt, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Mr. T pities the fool. Jentry Jones rips the fool's freakin' head off.
Jentry Jones has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
They were going to release a Jentry Jones edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Jentry Jones. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
A man once taunted Jentry Jones with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Jentry Jones proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Who let the dogs out? Jentry Jones let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
Jentry Jones has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting, he is the mighty adventurer.
If Jentry Jones wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
A movie scene depicting Jentry Jones losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Jentry Jones' first visit to Tokyo.
They once made a Jentry Jones toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take crap from anybody.
Before each filming of The Adventures of Jentry Jones, Jentry Jones is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Jentry Jones.
Jentry Jones once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Jentry Jones glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Jentry Jones were cloned, then it would be possible for a Jentry Jones roundhouse kick to meet another Jentry Jones roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Jentry Jones once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Jentry Jones was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Jentry Jones had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Jentry Jones walks.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Jentry Jones.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Jentry Jones can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Jentry Jones.
What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Jentry-Jones-Division".
Jentry Jones brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
The easiest way to determine Jentry Jones' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Jentry Jones finds it delicious.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Jentry Jones' boots ain't that merciful.
When the movie Pulp Fiction was filmed they had to borrow Jentry Jones' wallet.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Jentry Jones doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
Google won't search for Jentry Jones because it knows you don't find Jentry Jones. He finds you.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Jentry Jones jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Jentry Jones destroyed the periodic table, because Jentry Jones only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Jentry Jones a giant meteor.
An unedited clip of President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Jentry Jones."
Jentry Jones does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Jentry Jones needs toothpicks.
If Jentry Jones round-house kicks you, you will die. If Jentry Jones' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas. This doesn't matter, though, as Jentry Jones never misses.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Jentry Jones. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
The truth will set you free. Unless Jentry Jones has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Jentry Jones' co-stars in The Adventures of Jentry Jones as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
If you read aloud the letters in "Jentry Jones", they also spell "Senoj Yrtnej" -- The Hindu word for "Death".
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Jentry Jones will beat him down and take it.
Jentry Jones used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Jentry Jones killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
The only way that King Kong could take on three T-Rexes was director Peter Jackson having Jentry Jones don a monkey suit.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Jentry Jones bites the heads off of Ozzy Osbourne. Bats make for a good dessert.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Jentry Jones, dies by the roundhouse kick.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Jentry Jones in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Jentry Jones was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Jentry Jones goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Jentry Jones signature roundhouse kick
| | |
| How can we possibly capture all the exploits of the great Dr.
Jones? We've all heard the legends, so let's do this. I'll
start the story, and in the comments, tell what happens next.
--
Remember that time when Jentry, Jack Nicholson, and a midget crash
landed in the Congo? Jack started to lose his cool as the the
plane went down. But...
| | |
| These Chronicles are dedicated to the great Jentry Jones, whose
legendary status in Japan is only beginning. This is a gathering
place for high tales of his misadventures.
| | |
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