| I am in way over my head.
I'm sooo apprehensive.
so frightened.
this is not good at all.
I want my boyfriend back from Paris.
I don't want to be alone right now.
Its too hard.
I feel completely out of control.
The past can really come back and fuck you up.
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| Do you ever get confused about reality
Do you ever forget that you're real
A real human being
Who feels real feelings
And cries real tears.
Do you ever?
People get so caught up in themselves
Thats all they talk about.
But do they ever really think?
Think about their lives
Think about their choices
Do they ever?
Why is it that other people run our lives?
They control our every move.
Do we ever think?
to take control
to really live
Do we ever?
Try thinking.
Try doing
Try sharing
Try living
it isn't hard
JUST THINK.
Sometimes I feel like my life is a picture book.
Owned by a little girl
Who draws all over it
Rips out pages
And has no idea of
the confusion she causes.
I want to shout out loud.
I want to voice the pain
the sadness
the anger
I feel sometimes.
But I can't seem
to figure out
how to work my mouth.
Open it
Close it
No sound comes out.
Or maybe
I'm just scared
To let others
See me hurt.
Or see me feel.
Please don't laugh.
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| I absolutely hate my mind right now.
Its like...things were going beautifully on Wellebutrin...but I was greedy and wanted to feel euphoric again like when i was on the generic brand and so I asked to be switched back. And now I am going through hell. Anxiety hell. I took two xanex today. But I want to take two more already...because they are the only thing that makes me feel close to normal right now. Unfortunately I feel like I can't do that because they are so addictive and the last thing I need is to get back into that whole mess.
I will probably try to switch back to the Wellebutrin but I'm going to give this a couple more days to see if it settles down. Maybe I can sleep for like...three days straight and then wake up and the side effects will have gone away. I wish. I need prayers...this definatly isn't the best time for me...and it sucks because three days ago...I was so incredibly happy....and I ruined it. .
uggggggghhhhhh. Pray that I feel better, if you can. Thanks..
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| wow. its been a very long time since I've updated.
anyways...have you ever reached a point in your life where you felt so completely happy. This is the first time...the closest I've ever been to that feeling. Its wonderful. I'm not saying I don't have problems anymore...they are still there...but my outlook is so much better. So much healthier. I pray that it will stay this way and continue to grow.
I have been in a relationship with this guy, i started out kind of iffy about him. I went back and forth about whether I wanted to be with him or not...but I find the more time that I spend with him...the more I care about him and the more my feelings for him grow. Its strange for me...to be in a relationship with somebody who actually seems to want to be with me. After being "involved" with Eddie so long I guess I just got used to the way I was treated and viewed. Not saying its Eddie's fault...I've worked out any problems with him and I'm happy to say that we are good friends. But I have been with Michael now for a month and a half and he makes me happy. Very happy. I like being treated like i'm special and important to somebody. Its nice after spending years thinking nobody would ever feel that way about me. The way he looks at me...its amazing.
I will admit though that part of me is still scared to death...of letting go completely. At first I was scared to be with him because I wasn't sure if I was rebounding. Now, I'm scared because I know that my feelings are genuine and I don't want to lose him after this discovery. I still have not let him in completely, although the more time passes the more he finds out me. I'm very excited and nervous to see where this relationship goes.
hmmm in other news....I really want to be Shelly in Batboy....but so does every other girl in the department. I have decided though that I will NOT let the competition intimidate me this time. I want this part because I want to show that I am talented and that I can do it. So I a preparing like crazy this summer....although I am tellin myself that I might not get it so I won't set my heart on it. Getting cast at all at CSU is great to me. I just like being involved...working on something. Last semester was hard for me.
So I guess I will leave this note with the fact that I am learning how to cook over the summer and it excites me. :)
I want to be able to make some dishes by the time I get back to Columbus. So hooray!
So...I guess thats all I really have to say for now.
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| Life is funny. It really fuckin is. Why is it that sometimes you go through a dry period when it comes to men and then all of the sudden you've got them coming out your ears. Tons and tons of oppurtunities. Doesn't make any sense. Especially because when you get hit on...it always is when you have given up. When you have decided that you don't' want to deal with men at the moment. Its like a light goes off over your head and then you have guys shoving each other out of the way to have a go with you. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. And then you think..."wow...they must really like me" only to find out that the guys want the same damn thing that every other guy you've ever been with wants...and thats physical satisfaction. Funny Funny. |
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