|
iamatotalstud
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Sarah
Birthday: 2/20/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: indiepop, love, bubblegum, holding hands, amber, nutmeg, chai and cinnamon, burning wood, pumpkin wood, fall in general
Expertise: i make violins and teach violin for a living, i make films for school (and hopefully will be doing that for a living soon enough)
Occupation: Other
Industry: Construction
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  iamatotalstud
Member Since:
10/12/2004
|
|
| i mean deep down in your bonesthere are reoccuring themes in my life lately. and in my dreams.
so,
in the face of all kinds of turmoil and weirdness lately, i decided to indulge in madeline adams- the slow bang.
and it really makes a difference.
it's weird how music can colour your day. it feels like you feel things more.
i made a list today (on my hermes baby) of all the things i wanted to do this school year. some are already happening. some have already happened. some i'm afraid might never happen. we'll see.
there's something magical about a typewriter. like a fountain pen. it's more permanent. it's got it's own personality. it's loud. it says "i'm writing! and what i say, goes!"
"if i blew wings from my spine, do you think that she'd let me carry her? if i grew thick and strong, do you think i wouldn't be so scared of her? come now brother, it's not as bad as it seems. i've been swimming, there's as many fine women as there are fish in the sea."
the slow bang.
madelinesongs.com
it feels like fall and love.
does that make sense?
very high on my list is to take clewell's advanced poetry workshop next semester. also pretty high, is to read 20 novels. my novel-reading has started to dwindle, which should never happen, because it's one of the things that makes me more happy than anything else.
i've been doing a lot of preparation work. work that doesn't make me happy, in order to do some work that does make me happy.
we'll see how that works out.
i wonder when people will be visiting their old homes from their new homes, and if i will have enough time to see everyone.
the one good thing and bad thing about being really busy, is that you barely have any time for friends. so in the rare instance that you do have free time, there's always someone to see, so it's easy not to get lonely. but during all the business, you wonder if you're missing out.
there's a million ways to be, you know that there are.
i've been thinking a lot about the collective nature of the universe. about how there is so much goodness and beauty in the world, that even if my supplies and free time were limitless, in my life i still couldn't see all of it. there would still be wonderful and beautiful experiences that would not be mine.
sometimes when i see a really beautiful movie, it also makes me sad, because i didn't make it. because that's one less beauty available to me.
but that's selfish.
really, it's wonderful that no one person can hold the beauty of the world, because collectively then, it is held, and because, in turn, no one single person can hold the sorrows of the world, or the evil of the world. that is to say, there is nothing to fear from man, because our experience is universal. because deep down in your bones is the same life that is in mine.
if that was not so, beauty could not exist. nor would we continue to create. because we don't create so much for ourselves as for others. so in a way, i did make those films. in a way i made all films. does that make sense?
i continually have a dream.
in the dream i am a monk.
in the dream it is the future, and the world is covered in city and smog, and there is a family walking downtown in sunday clothes. and i follow them into a building. and i ride an elevator forever, until i reach the top. the higher up i get, the less the building is a building, and the more it is a forest. an organism, breathing. i can feel it breathing.
and at the top is a monastery, on the roof. the floor is stone, and in the center is a clear pool, with benches and chairs all around and lining the walls. and i realize that i am a monk. and that i have been lost for a very long time. and that i am not dreaming.
and so i take my place at the edge of the water, alongside the other monks, and my feet list in the water. and the head of the monastery leads us in a mass. and the building breaths along with us. and we are one.
the mass is ended, and we go in peace, down the elevator, through the clouds and the smog and the concrete, to love and serve the lord.
and when i reach the bottom, i know that i am dreaming, and that i am not.
and i tell myself to remind myself in the future, to find myself.
"tuck me in your marrow. stuff me in your bones. sing a mending moan. a song to bring you home."
| | |
| lovelove i feel for my friends, right now. it seems like a dreary time for many. bell jar. today was a lovely day. a rainy day. a lights flickering in the library day. a wanting something you can never have day. a driving around listening to the 'across the universe' soundtrack day. a pondering day. an 'is film more important than life?' day. a falling in love day. a rainboots day. even though things are dreary, it's a beautiful kind of dreary. the kind you'd want to capture on film, because it's so universal. the rain. the desire. the sluggish somber walk. the music. the humming in your marrow. yes. | | |
| catherine and kellythis blog is really just here for catherine and kelly. i blog on myspace most of the time. but i miss them and there's something about writing here that feels different. things i want to do this semester: montana
nashville
iceland
new york
films galore. i wish i had more time to write. | | |
| "life is messed up"gosh. i am really sick of a good deal of my friends at the moment. it's all so petty. i want: a book to read
a day off with no committment, no errands, no films, no festivals, no drama
to see my boyfriend
to stop feeling so grumpy
more sleep
to get to the doctor's before school lets out
peace "all you holy men and women pray for us" i feel consumed by the craziness of everything lately. i feel really helpless, and really guilty for being so helpless. drama. family councelling. i'm in a coffee shop. and there's a lot of art on the wall. i dont find any of it very good or very interesting. there's so much to do today. i need to request several days off work soon. confirmation. the festival programming day. the festival itself. class registration starts monday.
i need to take money to the business office. i don't feel well. light a candle. say a prayer. all that. | | |
| latino musicayay! so the world cafe finally opened across the street. awesomeness! everyone is going to have to come stay with me this summer, and them we can walk literally across the street and get coffee and smoothies and cookies and awesomeness! so... it's freaking me out how old everyone is getting. all these tattoos. i must admit.. i feel a little weird about it. the who mini-tat fad. the little tattoo, for the purpose of having a tattoo. less than $50. that just seems like a weird amount to spend on something permenant. i bring this up, because i've wanted this really awesome backpiece for forever (like... i remember talking to erin devries about it in 5th grade), but thats like $800 of work. and it's one of those moments where i'm running into people and thinking.. wow? i dont know. it's like they're everywhere. hmm... anyway. i have to find the right person. it's complicated. we'll see. but i think i'll probably do it this year. but then again... that's the price of a scooter. which would save a lot of money on gas. have i ever mentioned that i want to be a tattoo artist? ... maybe when i move to san fransisco next year. we'll see. but that's always been on my listed of "wanted occupations". ha. my parents will cry. maybe by that time the younger ones will be knocked up or on drugs, though... (i kid! i would never wish that on them. but it is st peters, after all...) any how. i'm not sure where i was going with this. it's become like a mildly obsessive thought over the past few days. i think since i have money in the bank. so thao will be here with xiu xiu on monday. if you're in town, you should hit the lemp. it'll be a freakin awesome show. big love. i should go clean the apartment. i've been sleeping all afternoon, so i'm a little groggy... any way.. yeah. i'ma go call da boyfern! | | |
|
