    
I dont know if you realize how frustrating it is to be so scared of something that it makes you sick. If you know what I'm talking about, I sympathize with you. It's hard. I hate it. When you can't stop crying because you're making yourself not cry, as ironic and disturbing as that sounds. You block out the bad because you're afraid to hurt, but in doing so put yourself through immense grief every day. Tears roll out of your eyes because you're trying so hard to choke back the dark storm that is right behind your face.
Because when that happens, you just want someone to hold you. And tell you it's going to be okay, and that regardless how crazy your feelings may be, they are still your feelings and you still feel them and it doesn't make you stupid. Or lame. It just makes you human.
But you ignore that part, and instead you force yourself to stop crying in the middle of the night because its pointless. It will only give you a headache and no one will ever know it happened. So you stop, and you sniff really loudly, and you lay back down and you choke all the sadness down, and it leaves a burn in your throat but you ignore it.
I just want you to hold me. I just want you to tell me that everything will be fine, even if it wont be. Because all we can control are ourselves.
I don't want to be afraid of hurting anymore. I don't want to be scared of whats happening behind my back. I want everyone to get along and I want to cry when I need to cry and laugh when I'm happy and not feel sick every few hours because I'm anxious.
And yes, this post is all about me and how I feel, because you know what? I'm fucking sick of hiding all my feelings because people have it worse than me. I understand that, I feel bad that my problems are my problems and that I have to mourn them just as much as someone else who has it worse. But it is all I know and I am allowed that right. I'm tired of trying to bottle everything away because I don't want to bore you with my petty feelings, or about what makes me feel awful. I want to be honest and I want you to love me for that.
*UPDATES*
JR. Prom is this friday; still need a date though. i really want this one guy to ask me =(
My 17th birthday this saturday. haha driving it up bey! =)
when does summer start for me...idk but i hate exams next week >:O
aughh so not in the mood. comment to make me smile. subscribe to make me happy =)
-BeCky!! | 
