Tonight, I felt like I was searching for a place to pour.  Pour my feelings and thoughts on everything from relationships to work.  I scrolled through my phone book and went to all my blogs, including my facebook notes, myspace blog, xanga page(s) only to find out how torn I really was.  Torn with who I am, who I was, what I'm becoming.  I couldn't find a semi public place or a semi good friend to spill my metaphorical guts to.  I chose this Xanga because...well, I haven't updated in a long time.

(Begin Rant)

Why does becoming better at photography have to be so expensive?  It's like that saying, "the rich get richer, the poor get poorer."  Why does learning from the best have to cost me $2000?  That's $2000 I don't have because I'm not good enough of a photographer to make any money.  But, I need to be better to make money, so I want to learn from the best.  But the best will cost me $2000.  WAH!

Who knows, maybe when I'm "good" I'll charge $2000/head to spend 4 days with me.  Shrug.  Everyone has their own stories and reasoning.  Of course I'm not in any position to charge any amount of money to spend time with me, so I can't say I know what it's like to be so highly called upon as the aforementioned $2000/head/4days photographer.  Maybe that's his way of ensuring his attendees are any good.  After all, you can't help those who can't help themselves, right?  (This discussion will end here.)

So I haven't been going to church either.  Ramifications?  I cuss more.  Out loud.  Part of that is from work and the people I work with.  Cussing is part of their everyday language.  No big deal, really.  I'd still cuss even if I went to church, I think.  Plus, the people at work are cool people.  Cussing seems to make everyone more transparent.  Oh, and cussing isn't all that's changed.

I keep telling my mom that I go to church on Sunday nights when Vox is supposed to be meeting.  I don't even really know what's going on anymore.  Honestly, I feel like the same people have been in the same boat, in the same lake, trying to get to the same island for nearly 2 years now.  Maybe this time around, there's a new paddle.  I don't know why I go into strange analogies when I talk about church.  Well, I trust that my friends know what they're doing and that's enough for me to end this part of my rant with...this...final...word...here.

I don't think about China very much.  I'm happy when I get the occasional email from my old roommate or one of the students from the program.  But, the 'fire' I had coming back from the trip has dwindled into...ashes.  I'm trying to recall what it was that put me into such emotional and spiritual turmoil whenever I thought of my friends back there...not only for the sake of me remembering them, but also to discover what/who/when/why it's gone.  It still makes me sad when I see their picture, but I don't know why.

My "relationships" side of life seems to be similar to a broken record.  I can't get over my past...or it can't get over me.  That affects my present and destroys my future.  Whatever the case, I have a very large dark cloud hovering over me.  How do you get rid of dark clouds?  You can't.  You let it rain.  Hard.  The end.

As you can probably tell, I'm not very good at writing.  Or putting thoughts into words.  Maybe that's why I'm torn.  Because I'm torn between trying to be smart and the reality of being stupid.  Joke.  Sorta.  If you can't tell that I'm not good at writing, I'm telling you now that there will be millions of words you will read in your lifetime that are more....eloquent...than these.  Take my word for it.  If you've managed to read this far into this format-less post, give yourself 2 E-props from me.  Username: ibeatdrum. Password: *****.

Work.  Work.  It's tough.  Next topic.

Money.  I hate needing it.  And wanting it.  And needing it.  And not having it.  The solution is simple, I think.  I just don't want to think about it.

What else is there....hmm...how bout typing out my every thought as I think it?  That seems to make decent blog entries nowadays.

Back to photography.  I have definitely spent the better portion of my recent paychecks on something photography related.  From a membership to Pictage to a new camera body, new bag, a cleansing, to filters, flashes, and batteries, I can say with confidence that my photography business is in the red.  Red is not black.  Black is good.  Red is bad.

Alright, I've gotten over my rant mood.  Here are some pictures for balance issues.  You know...feng-shui.

A mailbox at my favorite restaurant of all time.

The dark side of Dallas.



Los Lonely boys at Taste Addison.  These guys are fun.



My brother looks younger when he's smiling.



The brand new House of Blues, Dallas.  I heard the opening of HOB caused many venues in Deep Ellum to shut their doors.  Big bully.