icantfindmyspleen's Xanga

Friday, March 09, 2007

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 22:45:59 GMT

I got home around 7:35. Within 10 minutes of stepping in the door I already had my first load of laundry in the wash, and had settled myself into our cushy couch to stuff my face with a home made taco while watching a family movie. Oh and the bird was on my head. We let Sam out of his cage every now and then to stretch his wings. He always ends up on one of our heads. It was one of those surreal moments you look around and realize you are living.

When I drove up Erin was positioning herself on the side of the house to scare me. Didn't work. She came out the front door, which meant the side door, where I back my car to, was locked. My family has a weird habit of keeping the doors locked at ALL times. (We often lock each other out of the house just for stepping out for a minute or two). Anyways I was tired, so I let out a loud knock. My dad answered. My mom was at the stove cooking. The bird was on her head. She said that at the exact moment I knocked, the bird landed on her head. She screamed. I can imagine the horror. Strange noise, claws in your head.

So I'm home for spring break. Don't know what exactly will happen. I may stay the whole time, or not. I do have to fast from something this week. It's supposed to be 2 days of talking. But my family just won't understand that. I hardly get to see them. I may switch it with my 6 days off the computer week. I'll feel disconnected. From all of you. But not my family. I guess that's more important for now. I still haven't decided.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 22:44:07 GMT

I just watched a documentary on Annie Leibovitz. Probably the most well-known photographer of our time. (still living) Mostly famous for photographing famous people. Rolling Stone, Vanity Fair covers...etc...

I almost cried like four times. There's just so much.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 23:00:21 GMT

I think I was in the dark room too long today. I came out feeling inexplicably dreary about life. I suddenly didn't want to be around anyone. I was tired of this ever so moving life. I wanted to be still. My room is absent of a healthy natural light because it faces an alley and never gets direct sunlight. I'm always walking around in a middle gray. I forced myself to go to dinner where I ended up socializing. On my way there I suddenly felt that I was someone's grandma. I could imagine my granny walking around in her 20s, feeling prime, having no idea about her life to come. Her children, her husband, her house on Star Route, her lincoln, me, the magnolia trees, her sickness. It was like one of those fast motion sequences in a movie where they flash someone's whole life. If I last as long as my granny I have two more of the life I've already lived. I felt those years today walking down the side walk. Surreal. I hardly relayed the intensity of the feeling.

Earlier this afternoon we went to Oak Ridge retirement home to sing/draw portraits of the residents. Kim and Shawna got to draw, I was the musician for the day. I slide around on my guitar, then switch to the mandolin. Sometimes I catch the older folks mouthing the words. I've been playing the same songs for so long, I haven't had to think about where to put my fingers for years. Today I accidentally looked down at my fingers during "Under the Doubled Eagle" and I fumbled. I have to disconnect my brain and play from habit in order do it right. Strange, really. But it gives me an opportunity to watch the people. I can't help but imagine what they used to be. They all seem to droop. Makes me feel heavy.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 18:13:54 GMT

Just went toWalmart. I had a random list of things I needed. Socks, pens, hangers, water, cd slips, etc. I convinced myself that some things on the list I could do without, like picture frames. I always, always always want to buy picture frames. The cool ones are so blame expensive, I can't stand to do it. I settle for intangible pictures that remain stored away on my computer.

I realized after a while of pushing my cart around that I hadn't said one word the whole time I had been in there. I don't think I even opened my mouth. Literally, it was closed. (I'm not fond of breathing through my mouth in places crawling with people I don't know) I was noticing facial expressions of people as I mosied on by them. Most had the face of a searcher. I guess we all have that face in Walmart. We've come to hunt down our material needs. In the picture frame aisle there was an old lady with exceptionally red arms. She had a nasty swirling cut on her left red forearm. Maybe she likes to keep her yard up and had a fight with large shrubbery. I walk over the the check out and a small blue-shirt boy is on the brink of crying and lagging behind a young girl. Older sister, maybe. I decided to shun those blasted self-checkouts and have real human contact. An old man in one of those motorized baskets is in front of me. He drops his quarter, I tell him if he scoots up a bit I could get it. He does, and I do. He had bought a gadget to help him reach things, in a long box. "How are they gonna know I didn't just take this?" he asks the check out lady. "Because I gave you a receit," she says. He fumbles around in his shirt pocket, pulls it out. "Well can you stick it on there somehow?" he's waving the box in the air, looking down messing with his pockets. I grab the box, "Do you have some tape or something?" She doesn't. I give it back to him. "Well is there a big back or something." I tell him I think he'll be alright. If they ask, just pull out the receit. He insists it needs to be bagged. The check-out lady, Carolyn, probably in her early 60's has shown a great deal of patience, walks around and bags his gadget. By this time I've already paid for my things. I gather them up, "Now where's my receit?" I accidetally say out loud and slap my pants pockets. Carolyn laughs, "Poor guy," she says. "Yeah." I tell her I like her name, and leave.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 17:56:12 GMT

I woke up this morning. Late. Around 11:20. I guess considering I turned in around 6 a.m. it's not all that bad to sleep in like that. Still makes me feel like a bum.

Listened to The Beatles as I ran this morning. I love the feeling of not being rushed. Not having an agenda for the day. Taking time to look around and breathe. I think I can see better when the air is crisp.

Yesterday Carolyn and I went for a picture drive. Spent 3 hours driving to Santa Anna looking for sights. Stopping along the road. Climbing fences. Jumping into ditches. Laying in the dirt. Getting cactus in our hands. Zooming, focusing. Picturing. She brought wings that strap on to her back. With her fair skin, light green eyes, and dark hair she was a faery. At one point we were walking along the highway. Me with my camera. Carolyn wearing her wings, walking ordinary. Cars zooming by. I can only hope we may have provided interesting dinner conversation for the people who saw us.

I was re-watching Closer the other night, and one thing Natalie Portman says, I can't quite get out of my head. It was the part where she and Jude Law go to the exhibit of Anna's portraits of strangers. Natalie is looking at the picture of herself crying and Clive Owen askes if she likes it. Se says "No." He goes on to say "So, what do you think?" Referring to the whole exhibition. She says, "It's a lie. It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully... and all of the glittering assholes who appreciate art say its beautiful 'cause that's what they want to see. But the people in the photos are sad... and alone, but the pictures make the world seem beautiful so the exhibition's reassuring...which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat liar."

Whoa. After that scene I felt like one of the "glittering assholes." I go looking for this thing I call "beauty". Normally I find it in crevasses of places that used to be alive, now dilapidated. Places that used to be someone's source for life, now time has transformed them into tatterted shacks, or rusted walls. Alleys stained with the years that have passed. Abandoned brothels. A place where countless women lost their dignity. Men came like animals and took their fill. I go to these places, and if the light hits it just right I say it is beautiful. Sometimes I sit and let the heaviness of the place sink in. Then I rise, push a button, and leave the place holding beauty in my hand.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 19:50:48 GMT

I got my earring stuck in a rosary today. How many of you can say that?

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 01:29:00 GMT

This weekend I went somewhere I had never been before. I drove along rode I had never driven. Saw things mine eyes had never seen. Groves of gnarly trees. Burnt fields. Stacks of long aqua tubes. A large dirt hill behind lines of dead trees. A crooked gray shack. I must have wished to stop about 15 times for a picture. But I was on a schedule. Had to "get there." Plus I didn't have a model. Sometimes a scene can be interesting in and of itself, but I like carrying along a puppet person to order around. I kept imagining Carolyn with her long black hair wearing those faery wings crouch in specific positions amidst these scenes that whizzed by as I drove. Really I was just driving to San Angelo to video a wedding. Maybe it was the music. I listened to "The Last Kiss" soundtrack. Sometimes such artsy music inspires me to look around for beauty. I always find some. One day I'll take a trip with no specific place in mind. No time frame. Drive along (with someone, hopefully a lover ;) ) and look for beauty. We'll stop when we find it and linger for a bit. Take a few pictures. If we see a green cemetary sign, we'll turn there and find it. We'll pull over on the side of the road and climb fences if we have to. Crawl into small places. Dance in large spaces. Stop to watch the sky. Sometime for a weekend I'll rid myself of any kind of way to tell time. Computers, watches, clocks, phones, TV. I'll eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I feel ready. Someday.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 14:26:14 GMT

Ms. Lee's drone in State and Local today was almost ubearable. For some reason I'm never hit with sleepiness in that class just massive frustration/anxiety. I reposition myself a lot. At one point, God only knows what she was talking about and how it related to our class, I look to my right, a girl is playing tetris on her phone. I look to my right, a girl is braiding the hair of the girl in front of her. I mean really. Why are we forced to take a class we could really careless about? and not only that one that does not require attention and/or critical thinking? We come to class, sit through what feels like torture then leave, study before the test, put all of the knowledge in our temporary banks, and when it's done delete it it from our memory. I remember once after taking a big government test(I really do love Mr. Nickols, he's great) I had memorized so many different court cases I litereally felt my brain overflowing. When I was done I seriously asked God to rid all of that from my brain. Seems silly to me to fill our minds with fleeting knowledge. I guess it teaches us some sort of discipline. And in real life we're going to be faced with all kinds of things we'd just as soon forget. So I guess in that aspect it is preparing me for the "real world" It just seems so fake.

I had no intention of actually being serious with this post. I just sat down, had 12 minutes before my one on one meeting with Kristin. (Now down to 5) I just wish I could spend all of this college time doing what I love, instead of what is required. Necessity. ::gag::

Got to go, the rest of my day has been mapped out. One on one, develop film, some conference meeting for Foundations 1, Photography, Art History, Kids Hope meeting, and finally Pancake fun later on. The roller coaster starts when I push submit. weee!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 15:41:23 GMT

This morning I sat in a down town alley for 15 minutes waiting for birds to fly. Slight breeze. Cold concrete. My nose smashed againts the back of my camera, my arms ache holding it in perfect position. F-stops and shutter speeds set. Waiting. This is how I'd like to spend my life.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 23:54:21 GMT

Today went exceedingly well. Sunday school and church were a real joy as they always are. I'm so blessed to be a part of Midtown. A lot of the college kids had a BYOL(bring your own lunch) at Riverside Park. About 17 of us squeezed into a very long picnic table. It was almost sprinkling. Very cloudy. Not the best outside weather for a park lunch, but we made it work. A bunch of the group started playing that silly cup game where you tap it and clap every once in a while. Never really learned that. Everyone always exclaims "The cup game!?" They grab an empty cup and start tapping in unison. Never really learned that. At one point I screamed, "This is discrimination!" Me along with a few others who either didn't know how or weren't very coordinated simply watched cup tap game. Finally we started from scratch, tossed the cups, and all worked together to learn a new interesting hand clappy tap game. (Fatty just walked in my room and saw me in one of my granny's old, oversized, flowerdy night gowns. Yes, occasionally I update Xanga while wearing nightgowns. No one's ever supposed to see me in them. There went that. I need to lock my door. ;) I'm just asking for a horrible fatty comment aren't i?) Oh, back to lunch. Eventually once we started getting good and coordinated we starting overlapping hands with each other and clapping using one of our own hands and one of someone else's. Took a lot of concentration. We started playing eliminations. Nothing quite like eliminating your own hands by accidentally tapping out of sequence. You start to despise your own hand for acting impulsively and not waiting for your brain to give the go ahead.

That might not make sense to anyone. But it was fun trying to explain it anyway. I took a cuddly nap at apt. 24. LOVE Sunday naps. Especially at apt. 24. On the drive back from homegroup the dark clouds were low and lingering in front of a beautiful sunset. Such a contrast. I stopped my car on the road at one point for a quick picture. Once I parked, I sat on a rock to watch the rest. I wish there was place around here where I could climb high enough to see the horizon. I like the view out at the lake, but I don't always have 20 minutes to drive out there. Sometimes I just want to float above these buildings and wires to look. I always float in my dreams, you know.