"I can't believe you cut all your hair off!"

I was so transfixed with the image I saw in the mirror that as Janey, who I affectionately refer to as Jam, sometimes Jam Jam, continued her rant from my bed she sounded like a tv left on in the other room.

"It was sooo long and gorgeous! I don't know why you went all Britney Spears on yourself."

I ran my fingers through my hair, amazed at how quickly they ran through from root to tip. I couldn't stop turning my head in every direction, examining my new look from every possible angle.

"So are you trying to say you don't like it Jams?"

She lowered the Vogue she was flipping through and looked at me with squinted eyes, lips pursed to the side, as if searching for the nicest way to state her opinion.

"It's not that it doesn't look cool. I just liked you with long hair. This is really different."

Good. "That's what I was going for."

"Alright, well, as your BEST friend, if that's what you wanted, then I approve."

"Ha. Thanks Jam. You know I was just holding my breath waiting for your blessing"

Janey threw my pillow at me. I laughed and continued to vainly play with my new hair.

-------

Perhaps the hardest and most surprising side effect of a broken relationship is the toll that it could possibly take on how you see yourself. Personally, I couldn't stand myself anymore. After all the fights and the tears, after all the truth came out, I wasn't sure who I was anymore. And that's the worse part. Before the universe decided to throw me for a loop, (well, actually, that's not fair to blame the whole universe when it was really just the idiocy of one boy) I knew exactly what I wanted, I knew exactly what I had to do, and I pretty much knew where I'd be and what I'd be doing in about 10 years. All that changed with one stupid phone call. Or maybe it was more than that phone call and I just didn't know when to call it. Either way, this break up really screwed with my head, along with my heart.

This is what  I was trying to explain to Janey over lunch.

"I think you just need to explore. Go fishing. There's plenty of hot guys out there."

I nearly sent the water I was sipping into projectile motion.

"Janey. That is not what I need right now. And besides, I'm a relationship girl. You know I don't like the idea of flings or dating just for the heck of it. I'm looking for the real thing."

"Yah, yah. But come on. Let's really think about this. You're 23, and have never dated anyone else, but him. I mean...have you ever even kissed another guy before?"

I swallowed my food like a lump of coal. "No, he was my first kiss."

"So how do you know you're not a bad kisser then? Huh?" She laughed as I threw my napkin at her.

"Woooww. Thanks Jam! You always know just how to cheer me up!" I pouted as I sat back in my chair, arms folded.

"Awww, cummon, I'm just messing with you. But really, listen to me. You are gorgeous, you've got a great job, sexy new hair and a great new workout plan. You're like prime meat right now. I mean, it's not wrong to explore what the universe has to offer...I mean, what about, you know, what's-his-face for example?"

I knew immediately who she was talking about and rolled my eyes. "Janey. NO. He is a friend, a good friend, and...aside from that he's way out of my league."

"Woah, woah, woah. Hold up. First of all, my BEST friend is out of NO man's league. They should be lining up at your door for a chance to go out with you. And no, I'm not just saying that because I'm your friend. You gotta give yourself some more credit sometimes. Secondly, so what he's a friend? Doesn't that fit your 'relationships only' policy better? And last of all, with a body like that, if you don't make a move, I will."

I blushed, hoping she wouldn't notice my agreement. "Janey! You can't just objectify men like that. That's wrooong," I said, trying to keep a straight face. "He is pretty cute though."

Most of my conversations with people seemed to be going like this lately. Starting off serious, ending in a laugh. Everyone wants to focus on cheering me up, getting my mind off of what happened. But what else would you expect after locking yourself up for 3 weeks with nothing but greasy takeout and Joni Mitchell and Alanis Morisette (post break-up with Ryan Reynolds) albums.

"But seriously Janey, I mean, do you believe there's just one person in the whole world out there that was made for you?"

She paused for a minute in due consideration. "No, I don't think I do. I think that there is, maybe, a type of person, that you're supposed to be with, but that there's a lot of them out there. You're life is what you make it. Why? Do you?"

"Yes. I mean no. Well, I mean...I did. I thought I had found him." I shrugged. "When we were together, I was so sure. I thought 'This is it! He's perfect.' But it turns out I was just wrong. And now I feel like I don't really know what I think or believe. I mean, I want to still believe the man I'm meant to be with is out there, somewhere, but now I wonder if maybe I was just being naive all along."

Janey leaned forward, something she always does in a conversation when she wants to be serious Janey and not goofy Jam. "Listen. You, are anything but naive. You are one of the realest, smartest, and strongest women I know and there is nothing wrong with being wrong or with being a hopeless romantic. Just because it didn't work out with him, does NOT mean that you have to change your ideals, nor does it mean you were being stupid or naive the whole time."

She leaned back in her chair. "And besides, I always thought you could do better."

Oh Jam, she always knew how to set me straight.

“Perhaps it will seem to you that the sunshine is brighter and that everything has a new charm. At least, I believe this is always the result of a deep love, and it is a beautiful thing. And I believe people who think love prevents one from thinking clearly are wrong; for then one thinks very clearly and is more active than before. And love is something eternal--the aspect may change, but not the essence. There is the same difference in a person before and after he is in love as there is in an unlighted lamp and one that is burning. The lamp was there and it was a good lamp, but now it is shedding light too, and that is its real function. And love makes one calmer about many things, and in that way, one is more fit for one's work.”

-Vincent van Gogh

When you have to make a tough decision, which do you listen to? Your head, or your heart? Logic or emotions? I've never been very good at confronting a tough situation that involves my own feelings. Sure, I can get in other people's faces when I see that that they aren't dealing with a situation very well, but, in all honesty, when it comes to my own problems, I'm a complete coward. I can confront anyone and everyone but myself.

In the past, I used to always tell myself, follow your heart and you can't go wrong. But life has a funny way of always proving you wrong.

I wish things could be that simple. That all of life was just a huge romantic story in which love always prevails, but if there's anything that I've truly learned from all my running and hiding and problems, it is that the only love that is true and sufficient is God's love. It's a little embarrassing to finally be really realizing this after so long, but I guess there's just some things, some pains, you have to go through before you can really, truly understand that. He's the only one I can really trust my entire heart to.

As for all my other relationships, I guess I will just have to learn how to let my head in on the decision making too, because my heart is just too sentimental, and at the moment too weak, to make any smart decisions.

I'M BACK ON XANGA!

So, today I rediscovered xanga. I forgot how much fun it could be! And I'm loving the new settings! E-props xanga, good job.

So, I'm officially 2 weeks away from the end of my 2nd year of college. When was I all of a sudden half way through college?! I mean, really? What the heck? I still feel sometimes like I just got here. There's so much more that I want to do, see, experience, before I graduate, but do I really have enough time now?

It makes me think a lot about what we talked about at prayer meeting the other night. Time is so fleeting, yet we always find more excuses and run into more distractions that prevent us from doing the things we need to get done. In a way, we're all procrastinators. Everyone has that one thing, or list of things, that they should/have to get done; yet we always find a way to justify putting it off. Maybe this isn't true of you.

But it always makes me wonder how much better life would be if we could all just listen to good 'ol Ben Franklin when he said "why put off to tomorrow what can be done today," or something along those lines. Homework wouldn't be done at 3 in the morning, lunch meetings and phone calls to old friends wouldn't be months apart, things would just get...done.

Maybe, it's really just a problem of priorities. I know I should care more about calling ____ and getting that paper done for ____, but wait, let me watch this TV show first, oh and then let me check my facebook to see if I have any friend requests. There's so much dross in life that is so addictive, yet so meaningless.  I mean, how many of you facebook "friends" do you actually talk to on a regular basis?

I'm so sick of being a slave to my petty habits. I would say that I'm just going to go cold turkey on TV and facebook altogether, but let's be real. That's not going to happen. But I have decided to make it a considerably smaller chunk of my life. If I have the choice between writing on your wall and giving you a phone call instead, I'd rather go for the latter.

______________________


On a completely unrelated note, check out the awesome trucker hats Jackie and I got at the Invisible Children Charity Fashion Show!

it's very surreal being here in my dorm room. it still feels like i'm at camp or something, especially with so many organized "required" orientation activities. everyone is really nice and friendly and interesting, but i still miss home terribly. i miss all of my wonderful friends, and i've definitely been comparing everyone i've met these past few days to you guys.

classes start tomorrow and i'm scared of not being able to perform as well as i would like to. everyone seems so smart here! every person on my floor is so articulate, well read, and have led such interesting lives. i feel quite relatively sub-par.  i know i'm not because i was made by my God, but man, it still kinda sucks (in a good way) being around so many amazing people.

i'm slowly making friendly relations, although i'm still being pretty anti-social. praying and hoping that i'll be able to make some good friends as the school year progresses.

i hope everyone else is having a great college experience. i miss you all terribly and i'm always praying for you.