damn, can't stay committed to this thing...it's been over three months again, what's up with that...

i wonder why i always come to xanga when things go wrong in life and then leave it when everything is back to normal, but i really can't explain it.

so, i'm sure you can guess now, something must have happened again...

....

well, i just spent the last 20 minutes dotting that last line...i can't even put my feelings into words, am i pathetic or what. the worst thing is, i went shopping to make myself feel better today and found this elegant pair of trousers that looked swell on me. but when my mom asked me to try them on for her after i got home from shopping, just 20 minutes after i was amazed at how good they looked on me, i looked at myself in the mirror again and i could not remember one single reason why i liked them in the first place, because they looked AWEFUL on me...i mean, did i actually buy them for myself?? how come they are so tight and don't even fit?

what is going on with me, i don't even know myself anymore, i'm so lost...

I can't believe she ran away.

Saturday night when I came home, I saw a little piece of paper with red ink all over it on the table, but I was way too exhausted to satisfy my curiosity. The next thing I know, Mom forcefully woke me up and asked me what happened. Having been unemployed for a few weeks now, I was really irritated that it was only 7AM but I couldn't get more sleep.

What is it, Mom?

She ran away. She packed and left us this note.

Mom asked me if I knew anything about this. I didn't. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was an awful feeling at first, it's like what you have known about everything in your little world is suddently changed before you are ready for the difference.

We became so worried about her and hoped that she had taken any money she could find around the house with her before she left. But soon we realize that we worried too much because she could probably also explain why our camera and other things disappeared. I really want to refuse to believe what I was hearing from my parents who did a quick survey of the house. God knows whom she had let in before she left this house.

I liked her, trusted her and treated her like she is part of our family. At temples, we ask for the protection of the family members living in the house right now with the last one being her. Dad always tries to be helpful so that she doesn't have to do too much, and I always share my cheesecake or other stuff I have with her. I read newspapers to her and tell her about all the things that she finds interesting.We make jokes and have fun like friends. But she still chose to throw it all away.

Mom said that she probably got too greedy and thought that she could make more money with whoever that took her away but will probably end up in a prostitution house. Dad said she was probably deceived and manipulated into doing illegal and cheaper labor. I did care for her, but now after all this I hope whatever happens to her, she will finally learn the lesson the hardest possible way. Some way or another she needs to pay for the rottening of trust that I have for people.

Man.....life without a job is despressing. I am the type of person that invests very little in things other than myself. I am sure friends who know me well would concur. I choose to put all of my attention and hope in work, rather than things that I simply cannot control, such as, boyfriends or even just friends.....so, that makes days without a job irritating and sometimes saddening. One month after I returned to Taiwan from Boston, I started working the 16-hour-a-day job. I spent time on nothing else other than work. Ting said that I was crazy. But I didn't think anything else would be more important. Now after turning people down for lunches, dinners., movies....etc. for almost 6 months, I have just realized that I have literally pushed away anyone who ever slightly cared about me.

I have no job and I have no friends. Damn! I hate Taiwan.

Did my reappearance surprise ya? Take a wild guess! I am again a Xangan for the same reason when I wrote last time.

I am unemployed again.

The difference this time is I have left that crazy place, it wasn't good for me. Citigroup Smith Barney Equity Research team once captivated my ambition. But it also drained my blood and cost me a regular life. The work was so demanding and the hours were just too long but these are by far at the bottom of my complain list. The office politics in Taiwan has no doubt defeated me. People just freaking talk so much shit. Person A tells you something and reminds you to never tell Person B, who already knew about it and knew that Person A would tell you that, blames you for not saying anything to anyone and urges you to confront Person C, who could careless about you and rushes to Person D with all this gossip, which puts Person A in trouble and also wishes you were dead.......what the freak, does anyone ever care that the little Joyce isn't in the game with you freaks for the tiny narrow corporate ladder and just wants to do her little job?  

Anyways, stay tuned. Joyce is back. And I am done with crazy Taiwanese girls who think they are all that just cuz they graduated from the OH MY GOD NTU...fuck NTU..