I have decided that Fiona is stoopid.

Amanda is on leave for 3 weeks. I saw her last week - she said that I has misinterpreted what she had said about boundaries and what not. She said that she has never actually stepped over the boundaries that she has for herself and felt 'unsafe' - she said that anything that she does or says in response to me has been the result of a clinical decision that she has made about how to best meet my needs. And that just because she responds to me in a completely seperate way to her other clients is more about the fact that I have different needs. This sounds trite, but isn't that NICE. Isn't it NICE for someone to do that. She said that she still wants me to contact her whenever I want to, but we did agree that if I want a response back, that I need to say so. Which is fine with me, and makes me breathe a sigh of relief that I am not feeling my way around a darkened room.

My friend is having birthday drinks on the weekend with an 'emo theme'. I am highly amused by this and am trying to work out what I can wear without having to buy new clothes. My diet is going well but I still cant wear my skinny jeans in public without being mistaken for a muffin - and I only have green chucks, not black! Woe. I am going to go to the $2 shop at lunchtime and get some fake pink hair pieces and some fake facial piercings. At least I have a chunky layered hair cut that can be appropriately gelled and quiffed.

fucking hell - after all that they have gotten back together.

Things have been so strange lately - I don't even know how to describe it. A little too much discomfort. There is the situation with my old school friend Ronnie, and her girlfriend, Sarah, breaking up this week - and my alignment with Sarah. I have felt very guilty about it, and perhaps tried to almost demonise Ronnie in my mind to make myself feel better. I feel differently now - I phoned Ronnie quickly last night to see how she was doing - she seemed very happy to hear from me and very cheerful. I am still happier keeping her at arms length in terms of what we discuss with each other - she pulls me into old dynamics too easily and it is too much for me. Selfish yes - but I'm hardly going to be a good friend if I get into a situation where I'm not coping.

I have enjoyed talking to Sarah and I know she has found it helpful. I am not so stupid that I don't see that part of the bond that she feels with me at the moment is the comfort of being close to a friend of Ronnie's... so we will see. Even though it is all delicate and uncomfortable at times, I am doing my best to make decisions based on what I want and what feels right to me.

I'm really struggling with my weight at the moment. I have gained weight and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with disgust. My arms are HUGE. I'm struggling with what to do about it. My instinct is to swing in to drastic action - I keep catching myself in time. But I do need to do something. I have become something that I scorn... 'how did she let that happen to herself'.

I have not had need to contact Amanda. I feel simultaneously strong/isolated/vulnerable/scared/capable.

The time to test mr pilot pony in a show situation is nearing close. I need to find ways to deal with my nerves so that doesn't transmit to him and stuff things up. I am thinking about maybe even beta blockers?

I've been trying to sit down and write something all week - but I haven't even been able to make sense of my thoughts! I assumed that just sitting with them for a couple of days would result in something, anything, coming to the surface - have realised that this is not going to happen. Nothing, in fact, is going to happen until I make some effort. Isn't that always the annoying way.

On Monday, I saw Amanda. I was quite nervous about seeing her actually, because I suspected that I was going to feel very uncomfortable. I did, but I wish I had let myself feel more uncomfortable. I shut my brain off a little - dickhead - and never quite came out again. I even feel uncomfortable now about to write about it - once I articulate it I can't go back, can I.

We spoke about boundaries, in life, and in our relationship. She said what I guess I already knew but ignored - that in our work, she has pushed her own boundaries to the outer limits of where she would feel comfortable and even then, borderline. Because of my vulnerability and that she has known that at times, there hasn't been anyone else and I needed a response from SOMEONE. [How do you word appreciation for that? thank you seems a bit glib].

I am so thankful that she has done that, because it got me through some pretty dark moments. But I can't knowingly let her compromise herself like that anymore, can I. I need to redefine what I mean by 'emergency contact'. It makes me sad, which I haven't wanted to admit, because whatever she gives me makes me feel secure and if I redefine what I am asking of her and what I am expecting from her, then I automatically question my security and safety. It also makes me sad because somewhere in there is just my own boundary crossing of sometimes just wanting to know what she thinks, or for her to know something - completely apart from therapy. Reminding myself of the reality is bittersweet.

It is hard to sit with - but I am doing just that and trying to not overthink it or do anything with it, I figure that I will get used to it and then the way forward will  reveal itself.

With all of this crouching in the back of my mind, I have tried to keep plugging away at 'real communication' with people. Nothing groundbreaking, just being mindful of it. This has included gently nudging a good friend to be real with me so that I can be real back, through to drawing the line with another friend because she had pulled me back into an old interaction of having indepth conversations via email - but never actually talking in person. I know that she feels more comfortable doing that - and to be honest, when I was 18 years old I was the same. I have changed - and I can't, for my own sanity, indulge her in that. If she can't connect with me verbally then for ME, it isn't going to work anymore. It sounds a bit righteous but it really wasn't - I realised it when her feelings were hurt yesterday - she drew me into this deeply analytical discussion about a breakup she is going through and I was being completely honest with her - and she wasn't able to cope with what I told her. If the conversation had happened verbally, her own censorship would have kept my responses in the realms of what I felt appropriate. As it was, she accused me of being critical, harsh and judgemental - none of which I would normally apply to me especially within my friendships - and I realised it was because it wasn't REAL. I realised that although I do find it easier to express myself in writing, in all my other relationships I don't exclude verbal conversations and I don't go 'deeper' in writing than I do when I chat to them. Therapy, maybe - but I hope that one day I don't have to disclose anything "new" in writing before I address it.

Something I am trying to find, this week, as well - is that line where you SHOULD take yourself too seriously and when you shouldn't take yourself too seriously!!!

And to decide what I am going to do about my weight. There is nothing distorted about the fact that I have, let's face it, become a bit of a fatty. My hands got stuck on a roll on fat on my SHOULDER washing in the shower on Monday night and I burst into tears. Probably didn't help that I had already burst into tears watching Private Practice. Fucking hell, Greys Anatomy didn't make me cry every episode!!