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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| What circumstances drives a person to a state of mind where violence is a valid answer? What does it take to accomplish the task of shooting 32 individuals and then take one's own life? What does it really take?
After reading about the incident revolving around Seung Cho, i find myself wondering how one of my peers, a 23 year old Korean American, can purchase two pistols and use it against his fellow students. He could've been my friend. 23 and Korean American? Parents who own a laundromat? Sounds like any one of my friends.
I find myself trying to fit his shoes, asking why and how. Would i be capable of such actions? What would drive me to the edge to commit such an incredible and stupid act? I can not believe that he was just crazy. I fear that there was more than that. Maybe he was an emotional guy-- poetry classes, playwriting.. But shouldn't he have been in control of his emotions? Did his parents have anything to do with this? Are they responsible for the person he turned out to be? They committed suicide themselves after hearing the news-- perhaps they are partly to blame as well. He killed his ex-girlfriend... i wonder what the back story on that was.
I ask myself these questions because this situation seems to hit so close to home. I feel that i can only get a glimpse of what he might have been feeling. I'm sure it scares the Korean community as well. What does Seung's actions mean to us? Will the world, and more importantly, America have the ability to understand Seung's actions as an isolated incident? If not, will the Korean-American community have the power enough to halt any racial actions against us? What will the future hold for my people? Why did he do it? For his sake and god forbid our sake, i hope that the answer is a complicated one. Or maybe it'd be better to label him as mentally ill and leave it at that.
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| So there have been a few nights where knowing i had reading to do, i wouldn't be able to get myself to doing so. On the rare occasion that i lounge around in front of the tv, there have been times when i would shamefully watch the AZN network. Pitting korean dramas with the news, there lies a show which actually intrigues me-- and as if watching the AZN network wasnt bad enough, it's a reality show.
I believe it's called "Ivy Dreams". As the title implies, it's the dreams and aspiration of high school asian americans striving to be accepted into the school of either their or their parents' dream. At first, i didn't understand what drew me to the show. I'd watch as these kids talk of their lives and describe in a video journal of the anguish they endured during the college process. We've all been there-- it was a grueling task for most of us. Yale, Colombia, Harvard, U. Mich, Univ of Chicago... the intimidating list goes on. And reading their list of schools i begin to piece together why this incredibly stupid show on an incredibly stupid network draws me towards it-- perhaps the reason why i am so into this show is because it is a window to my own future.
As i am in my senior year, i look towards a grim yet rewarding future: law school. The law school process is not exactly like the college process in that there is much more weight on each decision. It's the end of my educational road-- the beginning of the end of my educational career. I intend to apply to the great ivy's of America in dreams of reading an acceptance letter from any one of them. As these kids create drama for themselves before reading their letter from each of these prestigious schools, i couldn't help but relate-- I see myself racing with thoughts of both excitment and disapointment, joy and anguish. I haven't even taken my LSATs yet. With a mediocre grade point of average, i can do nothing but rely on this standardized test. However, before i can begin to study for the LSATs, i need to think short term. I need to clear the road for the next day: i must complete the assignments due for class. Finding myself struggling to manage my time, i've had sleepless nights where i would do nothing else but sit at my desk, 4 in the morning, wondering how my future will turn out. I wonder what i should be doing now, and ponder why i'm not doing everything i sought to do this semester. (It just hit me, i should probably be reading, haha).
With two law classes on my agenda, i look to them as a caliber to how well (or poorly) i will do in this field of linguistics. Albeit Law and Society is an interesting class, i can (in all irony) say with confidence that it is kicking my ass. The assigned readings have been the most dense pieces of work i've ever read, and mind you i used to be an english literature major.
Is it possible that i'm not cut out for law? What other options have i made for myself? I think subconciously i've created a senario where failure is not an option. My initial response to this thought has always been a cumbersome mental beating of myself: what have you gotten yourself into? what do you plan to do if god forbid you fail? You don't have any other options. Common thoughts i hope all aspiring college students have of themselves. Then i begin to reason with myself: well you know, this is something that you wanted to do; law is a field that not only interests you, but you've so far managed to keep your head above water.. doesn't that count for anything? and maybe, just maybe, backing yourself into a corner will be the smartest thing you've ever done for yourself.
Sitting here as a spectator to this struggle with myself, i look towards "Ivy Dreams" for solace. These kids are the cream of the cream applying to top notch, top top tier undergraduate schools. If they are allowed these doubts, so am i (assuming ofcourse i score, and praying not surprisingly, a 180 on my LSATS, hahahaha). And more importantly, if they can make it into Harvard, so can i read an acceptance letter from Harvard Law. I look to my future with mixed emotions.
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| How do we find our way back? I remember who i used to be and it's not who i am today.
People change all the time. I suppose they change because their surroundings are constantly changing as well.
I've reached an intellectual plataeu. I think i dont think like the way i used to. But a bit more thought, and i begin to dig further and it could be that intellectually i'm still the same way-- i've just gotten used to it. I was once in a place where i thirst for knowledge. But strangely, at times it feels as if my capabilities haven't dwindled. So does that mean i jus got used to my thought pattern? Could it be that i've hit some sort of limit?
Sometimes there are ideas and theories that i jus cannot seem to grasp. I feel an invisible force that leaves me incapable of reaching what i strive for. A sort of wall that not only prevents me from goin further, but pushes me back. Have i challenged myself too much? If i did, does that imply a limit to my potential?
Or maybe this just the thought process... to feel inadequate so that we try harder. If that's the case, then i've already lost. Time after time again, everytime i've approached a challenge, i back out of it with my tail between my legs. I think im scared of what's in store. I'm too scared to face it. The workload and what it asks of me feels incredibly overwhelming. But what's strange is that i've faced these challenges before-- they were jus in a different phase. What's different now, i guess, is that there's a lot more at stake. The LSATS, law school... what happens if i don't become a lawyer? Or even worse, if i become a mediocre lawyer?
Why do i feel as if i always become like this when my surroundings ask so much of me? What is it really that i'm struggling with? What am i fighting? Am i fighting myself?
I think that's it. I've realized at this very moment that i've always been in a constant war with myself. And the wrong side is winning. It's making me feel overwhelmed-- to such a point where i dont want to undertake any of these challenges set before me. I feel incapable, normal, average. Following through, does that mean i feel the need to be extraordinary to conquer the ordinary? I don't feel myself growing; it's exactly the opposite-- i'm getting stupider.
I want to go back to what i used to be. Was i dumber back then? Is that why the intellect i have now feels average? Upon the intital stages of writing this entry, i would've said yes. But now, i'm not so sure. I think i've actually lost it. I didn't feed it enough. A small spark that didn't have enough gas to combust into something bigger. It was something that couldn't sustain itself.
This, my thirst of knowledge, my intellect, now has the potential of going back to whence it came-- absolutely nothing.
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| there are no happy endings in life, only happy moments.
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| What is our role as human beings in this world? What is is that we're
supposed to do? To be concious of our environment? I think that would
become a concern once we've begun to solve the issues revolving around
us as humans. We have a group of people ruling over us. Feeding us the
information that they deem necessary for us to aquire. Who is to say
what i need to know? And more importantly, if you do give me this
information, what gives you the right to lie?
I fear that as humans, we've come a long way. What has steadily become
apparent to me is that this societal evolution has changed not for the
better, but for the wose. I don't doubt that the outlets we as humans
put to use are backwards -- what i am referring to are the people who
have the power to use
these types of technologies have become so adept as using such
mediums that they are able to persuade us of exactly the opposite. They
are able to shape our opinions as a people. Surely enough,
there exist individuals who are able to see through it. What are these
people supposed to do? Do they have a responsibility to unveil to the
world
of such lies? Deceptions carefully calculated to hide the truth for
fear that we as a people would act negatively if portrayed otherwise?
Isn't it their responsibility to be true to the people who are at their
whim? And if they fear so much of our negative reaction, shouldn't they
ask why? Doesn't that indirectly confirm their confession to their
wrong doings?
That's not to say that the ones who know the truth are diplomats of
what's good in the world. Even those who attain the knowledge to know
otherwise can use it irresponsibly. So we've been lied to; not once or
twice, but numerous times. Does that mean that we should subjectively repel all information given to us? To lose all hope with
those who have power? Surely enough is enough. But to laugh when people
are being hypocritical, is that the right path? To laugh at such lies
with such heartiness shows to me a total lack of confidence in those
who have the great responsibility to tell us the truth. Where does that
lead us in the future? Yes, it is a form of resistance, of a form of
criticism, but i do not believe that it is enough to make change. It is
only enough for those in power to devise a better method of deception.
What are we supposed to do. It saddens me to a great extent to know
that we as a collective group of the American people are merely a
nuisance, an obstacle to overcome in order to reach a goal that would
benefit only those who've constructed it. What am i supposed to
do.There are only so many people who care, and even within this group,
only a handful who still remain truly objective. We have responsibility
to our American government as American citizens. What they do
internationally reflects us. To sit idily by, in short fustrates me. I need to do something about this.
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