|
| emphasis mineIt is meet and right to hymn thee, to bless thee, to praise thee, to give thanks unto thee, and to worship thee in every place of thy dominion: for thou art God ineffable, inconceivable, invisible, incomprehensible, ever existing and eternally the same, thou and thine Only-begotten Son and thy Holy Spirit. Thou it was who didst bring us from non-existence into being, and when we had fallen away didst raise us up again, and didst not cease to do all things until thou hadst brought us back to heaven, and hadst endowed us with thy kingdom which is to come. For all these things we give thanks unto thee, and to thine Only-begotten Son, and thy Holy Spirit; for all things of which we know, and of which we know not, and for all the benefits bestowed upon us, both manifest and unseen. And we give thanks unto thee also for this ministry which thou dost vouchsafe to receive at our hands, even though there stand beside thee thousands of Archangels and ten thousands of Angels, the Cherubim and the Seraphim, six-winged, many eyed, soaring aloft, borne on their wings,
Singing, shouting, proclaiming and saying the Triumphal Hymn:
Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord of Sabaoth; heaven and earth are full of thy glory; Hosanna in the highest: Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest. | | |
| Beyond the Sea is a good movie. The song from which the movie's title is taken has good lyrics, as does .
| | |
| I don't know really how to start this, but I feel like I have to say something. I don't know how many of you know, but Johanna and I broke up. I don't know what I'm trying to do on here, and it going to be really weird if I end up talking a lot about us rather than just me. I sorta wish that I felt comfortable making this post unviewable by a few people on here.
Johanna and I's relationship has been really weird from the very beginning. I so wish it had never gone the way it did. I absolutely regret jumping into it as fast as I did. I feel like since Johanna was such a unique girl that I instantly fell in love with her because I was running away from girls who just wanted to be like everyone else. After Johanna and I's first date, I felt immediately that I wanted to be with her, to marry her, and only a few days/weeks later I asked her dad to date her and then told her that I wanted to marry her. I wasn't really asking her; it was really dumb and unromantic what I was doing, but I was trying to just do something. I thought that I had to act right away. And since I was sorta not a Christian then, she of course didn't know what to do and it was all weird trying to figure stuff out together and trying to decide what we were going to do. We had a lot of fun together in math and Spanish class; it was so much fun to share jokes with her.
So when I decided to be a Christian again, it was supposed to get all better, right? Not because everything goes fine for Christians, but because then we could be closer. Well then I had to go away to UC Berkeley and we almost never saw each other and so some weird reason chatting on the phone was really not working for us. Not just because of bad reception, but we just didn't "click". I think now it was maybe not the medium of the phone, but rather that it was showing that maybe we really just don't "click" together very well.
Well, I thought that her coming finally to Berkeley would fix all this, but it pretty much stayed the same.
I feel like Johanna and I don't click well. Like our personalities actually are not very good complements of each other. I feel like I was always waiting for it to become better. I was always imagining how it was going to be when we were finally "close". It was the fact that we had a year where I was in Berkeley and she was in Sac and we could only converse by phone. But then we she came here it was still weird. Was it all going to become better when we were married? I imagined it would. I daydream a lot, and I feel like all I would do was daydream about how wonderful it was with her and fall in love with that, but when I just lived in the moment, out of the clouds, on the earth, that it was really awkward between her and me.
I feel like she never really loved me, like the "whole" me. She never loved me so that I could be natural and not have to act. I felt like I was bending out of love (because I know that of course love requires submitting), but that she wasn't really doing the same. I tried to really love and make jokes about and enjoy the things about her that bugged me, but I never felt that from her. And I especially don't know what's happened more recently, like in the last 6 months or so, but I feel like the only time we are "close" is when we complain to each other about life and how we don't feel close to each other. Why didn't we just hang out and enjoy each other? It was always that we had to fix this or that so that we could be close, instead of us just loving to be around each other.
I feel like I somehow assumed too much about her. She was the first woman I ever met with whom I could talk about so many things I enjoyed, but maybe I then assumed that our deep selves therefore matched. But I can be friends with someone who doesn't share the same interests, right? So what is that? If Johanna and I didn't share the same interests would we be attracted to each other? I don't think so any more.
But I miss her. I came across some old love letters today, and I started to cry. I don't think I could ever find someone like her, but yet, there's something I want that is missing in her – and I finally realized it was a big something.
I don't know if I should really post this, but I guess I feel like I should tell people what happened. I'm not mad at Johanna. We didn't break up because of a fight, right after a fight, yes, but not because of it. I'm not sure how much of what I've said resonates with her, and if she really wanted to break up too, deep down. Some people have told me that they've been thinking for a while that we weren't right for each other; some have been shocked when I told them. I feel relieved, mostly, but I don't feel good or anything.
OK, well here goes, I'm posting this. | | |
| I'm leaving early in the morning tomorrow for this monastery, and I'll be there 'til Friday. | | |
|
Marching Band!
