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| I feel really small right now. Tami's grandmother who was basically her mom from 3 days of age died yesterday morning in her sleep . There was no warning, it just happened. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. Tami is gone right now with the family, I did not know how small I really am until Tami was not here. I just feel so sad for her. The military is not wanting to let Jeremy, her cousin, come home from Iraq for the memorial. Please pray that this changes. With all of this happening I feel so heavy, it hurts. I know that at times it's ok not to say anything if just that, but I feel right now it's not good enough. Maybe I shouldn't say anything, so far today if I say anything about this situation, I make her cry, and that saddens me a lot. I just want to be there for her without making her cry, I just want to be "her strong man" that she can lean on. I just wish I could do something, say something, I wish I could take the pain away. (sigh) | | |
| Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there was a little boy... nah, just kidding. Just wanted to let those that check know, I am alive!!!!! | | |
| The other day Tami and I were chatting, then all of the sudden some people we know that are struggling came into my mind. And I had a mind boggling eye opener. What if these people are cursed because they are both divorced and have then married again (to each other)? In Matthew Jesus talked about (the way I understood it) is that marriage is so sacred, the only way to remarry is if one spouse dies, divorce is not an option lest one is fornicating outside the marriage. This is the part that has me confused, then Jesus said, let neither marry again. Just like that, but both these people are born again Christians, do you think they're cursed?
New subject:
Last night I was reading about the 4 types of soil, and the 4 types of hearers, I had nasty comparisons. All I have to say is God please forgive me for having stony ground (read this in the NKJV and you'll see excactly what I mean). God please plow the field of my heart, I know some areas will hurt, but to accomplish the greater good of bringing in a harvest it needs to be, so be it. God I believe that right now you are in the prepping stage of my heart, because you are giving me a lot of instruction right now, you are pointing things out that are getting ready to be dealt with, some things, ok, some... All I know is that when you are ready I know I will be too, because your are prepping the soil in me.
One more thing, God please reveal to me without any question as to when to go to Portland/Vancouver. I went on a whole bunch of things that sounded and looked good, even promised, but it all fell through, I just don't want to do that again. When it is time to go, I don't even want to have a what if thought. Thank you and amen. | | |
| First off, let me say Sorry for not writing, I have not been in internet access for a while and it has been rather difficult to get to any.
Today... We are currently waiting at Portland Airport for our flight to load. We are heading to Dallas tonight to go to an Advocare success school. I can not hardly wait for Tami and the family to get over here. Although Tami is here right now, it will be short lived as she will be heading back to Clarkston on Monday. The new job that I have embarked on is interesting to say the least. I have jumped into the middle of a project and arrive to work everyday lost as to what to do. We have approximately 2 weeks left on it and then on to the next one. What a relief.
On a different note, have you ever noticed that the closer you try to get to God, the more difficult things seem to be or get? Right now, the biggest challenge that I face is getting my family over here. But in some weird way, most of the time, I have a peace about it and just know that if God has really called us to Portland to do his work, He will take care of it in his time. The other small portion of time is when I am trying to give God a hand and make suggestions to the All Knowing Father on how to take care of it. It is weird how I am finding myself now in the mornings singing praise and worship songs as opposed to grumbling that the morning is already here and I have to go make a living, but now I get to go make a living. Example: This afternoon I was really down because something that I had really built my hopes up on fell through. But, through it all the scriptures about David when he was depressed, he mentioned how he delighted himself in the Lord and lifted himself up to the Lord, anyway, feeling down I was listening to the radio, and the song "I am a Friend of God" came on, and I couldn't help myself. I got happy. In the midst of it all, I remembered that I am a friend of God, not Buddah, not Allah, not man, not Baal, but God, the God of gods and He calls me friend. Some how a smile snuck across my grim face and my spirit said, "It'll be OK." Well, that is enough for now, I will try to get a chance to write more in the near future. | | |
| Fear has gripped me, I am so scared to step out, yet at the same time excited. It is getting harder and harder each passing day to step out in faith. Dad at this point is making it very hard to go. I can only try to understand the emotions that they must be fighting off, but it makes me feel so guilty, then it sets in and turns to fear, then to uncertainty. Is that wrong? Am I not trusting enough in God? All of this outside influence makes me question, but when I get alone with God, things seem to become clear and make sense, that, yes, we are to move. I'm just so scared. I sooooo don't want to be out of the will of God, but at the same time I don't want to stay where we are and wonder the rest of our lives, did we miss God? I understand that mom and dad just want us to do right, but I get the feeling that because it is not acording to their timimg that it is not right. And that is making me feel so intimidated, I have a hard time even looking them in the eye, I am not hiding anything, it is just that factor and guilt feeling like we are screwing them over that makes it hard. Please pray for us. Our prayer right now is and has been as of late, "God, if by some chance this is not your will, slam the door shut. But, if it is, give everyone involved in our lives a peace about it, and send replacements to this church body." I just don't understand is all, everyone that we have talked to has said this will be good for Tami and I. This will cause us to grow. This will cause us to be independent. This will cause us to be totally dependent on God. I just hope that this fear is only something natural. | | |
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